I slipped up

[Cardinals in Flight]

On the 30th day of NC, which coincided with Mothers Day, I texted the X.

I wasn't anxious, or needy, or anything other than feeling a lot of compassion and empathy on a day that I know, and expericed as being very hard for her as she lost her mother at a very young age.  I've understood all along that it was likely this tragic event that has formed the person she is today.  I lit a candle and said a prayer during church, but still I wanted her to know that I thought of her and knew it was a hard day.  Also? I actually saw her in traffic after going out my way for weeks to avoid it.  We both pretended not to notice the other, I admit that sucked.  Two people who shared the best and worst of times, and now we pretend it never happened.  Sucks.

Maybe I shouldn't have done it, maybe I should've just kept my thinking of her to myself.  But knowing how persecuted and alone she feels, it felt ok to let her know she was thought of.  It was a brief text, nothing mushy, and as expected it was ignored.  My hope is that one day, maybe if she's quiet enough in her thoughts she will know I'm not the devil incarnate, and that she was (is) loved.

CiF

[MissTajo]

I personally think that that was a lovely thing for you to do.

I'm sure that she appreciated the gesture.

[LettingGo14]

My hope is that one day, maybe if she's quiet enough in her thoughts she will know I'm not the devil incarnate, and that she was (is) loved.

CiF

Hello CiF -- I am writing you this note to confirm that you are not the devil incarnate, and that you have tremendous ability to turn all the love you have for your ex-partner back to yourself. 

We expend so much effort waiting, wishing, wanting -- and that's ok, for a while. 

I am lighting a candle for you to think of yourself with such tenderness.

[Loveofhislife]

Amen, LettingGo14; your words are a reminder that it really is the only path.  We must love ourselves and give ourselves the love and gentleness we have given to them.  I am currently VERY angry at myself for coming out of recovery from a number or narrcissitic/BPD relationships.  I keep trying to remind myself to be gentle.

[LettingGo14]

We must love ourselves and give ourselves the love and gentleness we have given to them.  I keep trying to remind myself to be gentle.

Boom.  You nailed it.  The more we say it, the more we believe it.  The more we believe it, the more we heal.  The more we heal, the more the world opens up to us again.   "Feel the feelings, lose the story."  And when you feel the feelings, feel them all the way.  Dive into the deep end and realize you can swim.   

[living in the past]

 Hi, you are not alone, i did the same thing with friend pwBPD,left a couple of nice voicemails, no responce,but the good news is today i woke up and a little later i realized she wasn"t the first thing on my mind, i am a little hopefull today,and thats all i am going to live, enjoy your day... .

[LongGoneEx]

Maybe I shouldn't have done it, maybe I should've just kept my thinking of her to myself.  But knowing how persecuted and alone she feels, it felt ok to let her know she was thought of.  It was a brief text, nothing mushy, and as expected it was ignored.  My hope is that one day, maybe if she's quiet enough in her thoughts she will know I'm not the devil incarnate, and that she was (is) loved.

CiF

Your intention in contacting her was a human one. In any event it's done and cannot be undone so I would suggest that it's fruitless to torment yourself with self recrimination. If it's any consolation, I mailed my card to my ex too and I have no regrets about doing so. I didn't even give it any further thought till I read your post. It's possible to care about another person whilst accepting the reality of their state and the damage it can do to them and also to us - but only if we allow it to be done to us. Your practise of lighting the candle in church and willing her good in a spiritual sense are also loving actions and a testament to your humanity. Unfortunately the reality of BPD is that she will see your gesture not for what it is but only in the context of a battle for control. She'll see it as a sign of weakness on your part because to those whom it eludes, love is seen as another game of power.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Maybe I shouldn't have done it, maybe I should've just kept my thinking of her to myself.  But knowing how persecuted and alone she feels, it felt ok to let her know she was thought of.  It was a brief text, nothing mushy, and as expected it was ignored.  My hope is that one day, maybe if she's quiet enough in her thoughts she will know I'm not the devil incarnate, and that she was (is) loved.

Your intention in contacting her was a human one. In any event it's done and cannot be undone so I would suggest that it's fruitless to torment yourself with self recrimination. If it's any consolation, I mailed my card to my ex too and I have no regrets about doing so. I didn't even give it any further thought till I read your post. It's possible to care about another person whilst accepting the reality of their state and the damage it can do to them and also to us - but only if we allow it to be done to us. Your practise of lighting the candle in church and willing her good in a spiritual sense are also loving actions and a testament to your humanity. Unfortunately the reality of BPD is that she will see your gesture not for what it is but only in the context of a battle for control. She'll see it as a sign of weakness on your part because to those whom it eludes, love is seen as another game of power.

I appreciate all of the feedback, thank you!  Also? LGX, it's none of my business if she thinks I'm weak, we both know that I am not weak.  Emotionally attached still to someone I love and miss, yes!  but I am not weak.   

CiF

[antjs]

On the 30th day of NC, which coincided with Mothers Day, I texted the X.

I wasn't anxious, or needy, or anything other than feeling a lot of compassion and empathy on a day that I know, and expericed as being very hard for her as she lost her mother at a very young age.  I've understood all along that it was likely this tragic event that has formed the person she is today.  I lit a candle and said a prayer during church, but still I wanted her to know that I thought of her and knew it was a hard day.  Also? I actually saw her in traffic after going out my way for weeks to avoid it.  We both pretended not to notice the other, I admit that sucked.  Two people who shared the best and worst of times, and now we pretend it never happened.  Sucks.

Maybe I shouldn't have done it, maybe I should've just kept my thinking of her to myself.  But knowing how persecuted and alone she feels, it felt ok to let her know she was thought of.  It was a brief text, nothing mushy, and as expected it was ignored.  My hope is that one day, maybe if she's quiet enough in her thoughts she will know I'm not the devil incarnate, and that she was (is) loved.

CiF

definitely lighting a candle and praying for a her tells a lot about your humanity. but you do not need to let her know anything. from my personal experience, most BPD go non diagnosed for a life-time. even the few of them who decide to see a therapist do not continue therapy. they just use the splitting mechanism with their own therapist. what i want to say that there are very slight chances that she might come to her senses and appreciate what you are trying to do as a human. it is as mentioned above it will always be the game of power for them. life is a game and people are objects. i will pray for your ex, for my ex, for u and for me