I want to get out of this toxic relationship

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am seriously at a loss for what to do, I feel so confused and extremely emotional, I've been playing with the idea of leaving for awhile now. I'm not really sure how to go about doing it. My husband has just been approved for disability and we are waiting for the payments to start which should be in about a month. I've been trying to work up a plan to get out of this relationship but I don't see an easy way of doing it. My husband is at home at all times and we only have one car which his mother is paying for so it isn't considered my car. I am seriously afraid of him, it's the reason I have not been able to place boundaries. We have two dogs and I don't really have any place to take them if I take them with me, I am afraid he might hurt them to get back at me for leaving. But at this point I have to think of what is best for me. It just breaks my heart to leave them, they are my everything right now, the only thing that brings any joy to my life. I feel like if I left them behind he would be more likely to leave me alone. They are truly the only thing he cares about and I know if he did hurt them he would hate himself. If I took them with me he would most likely come after me, I am already afraid he's going to become a stalker or worse.

How do you leave in a situation like this? I don't want to leave everything behind but it's starting to feel like that is the only way it is going to happen. I don't really trust that my husband won't hurt me if I tell him I am leaving and start packing. I also don't trust that he will just leave me alone if I do leave. He might I just don't know. He tells me almost every day that he hates me and wants a divorce, will even make me pack a bag and then gets pissed off when I start going through with it. I'm so tired of being stressed out and afraid of his next blow up. Right now he is hell bent on moving to another state, I've went along with it for a little while and I was actually seriously considering it. I know that it would be a gigantic mistake. The only reason I would do it, would be because it would be easier for me to leave him in another state. The only reason he wants to move is so he can smoke pot legally. To be honest the only reason I have considered moving is because he's actually ok when he smokes pot, he acts like a normal human being. At this point its hard to get and when he runs out he becomes very scary and he targets me for everything that is wrong in his life. I was hopeful for awhile that he was getting therapy and working on his problems but as soon as he got approved for the disability he stopped going to therapy. I made a pros and cons list and it was seriously one sided, about 5 pros of staying and 60 cons. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to walk away from him, when clearly the only thing I get out of this relationship is sex. I did read the book betrayal bonds, it was a very good thing for me to read, it's exactly why I have stayed.

So what should I do? What is the best way to go about doing it? I don't want this to be a rushed attempt only for me to go back because he has all my stuff. I don't want to call the cops on him, and I know that unless he physically hurts me to where I feel my life is in danger then I probably wouldn't do it. I probably would have been gone a long time ago if he wasn't home every second of the day, but he is. I can't really bring myself to walk away when he is showering me with love. I know I have an addiction to him, it's very hard for me to walk away. He's done plenty of things that I should have walked away from then but I didn't, I just wasn't ready to leave yet but now I am. I really am ready to walk away I just don't see how. It's very depressing because I feel trapped.

[Cloudy Days]

I am seriously at a loss for what to do, I feel so confused and extremely emotional, I've been playing with the idea of leaving for awhile now. I'm not really sure how to go about doing it. My husband has just been approved for disability and we are waiting for the payments to start which should be in about a month. I've been trying to work up a plan to get out of this relationship but I don't see an easy way of doing it. My husband is at home at all times and we only have one car which his mother is paying for so it isn't considered my car. I am seriously afraid of him, it's the reason I have not been able to place boundaries. We have two dogs and I don't really have any place to take them if I take them with me, I am afraid he might hurt them to get back at me for leaving. But at this point I have to think of what is best for me. It just breaks my heart to leave them, they are my everything right now, the only thing that brings any joy to my life. I feel like if I left them behind he would be more likely to leave me alone. They are truly the only thing he cares about and I know if he did hurt them he would hate himself. If I took them with me he would most likely come after me, I am already afraid he's going to become a stalker or worse.

How do you leave in a situation like this? I don't want to leave everything behind but it's starting to feel like that is the only way it is going to happen. I don't really trust that my husband won't hurt me if I tell him I am leaving and start packing. I also don't trust that he will just leave me alone if I do leave. He might I just don't know. He tells me almost every day that he hates me and wants a divorce, will even make me pack a bag and then gets pissed off when I start going through with it. I'm so tired of being stressed out and afraid of his next blow up. Right now he is hell bent on moving to another state, I've went along with it for a little while and I was actually seriously considering it. I know that it would be a gigantic mistake. The only reason I would do it, would be because it would be easier for me to leave him in another state. The only reason he wants to move is so he can smoke pot legally. To be honest the only reason I have considered moving is because he's actually ok when he smokes pot, he acts like a normal human being. At this point its hard to get and when he runs out he becomes very scary and he targets me for everything that is wrong in his life. I was hopeful for awhile that he was getting therapy and working on his problems but as soon as he got approved for the disability he stopped going to therapy. I made a pros and cons list and it was seriously one sided, about 5 pros of staying and 60 cons. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to walk away from him, when clearly the only thing I get out of this relationship is sex. I did read the book betrayal bonds, it was a very good thing for me to read, it's exactly why I have stayed.

So what should I do? What is the best way to go about doing it? I don't want this to be a rushed attempt only for me to go back because he has all my stuff. I don't want to call the cops on him, and I know that unless he physically hurts me to where I feel my life is in danger then I probably wouldn't do it. I probably would have been gone a long time ago if he wasn't home every second of the day, but he is. I can't really bring myself to walk away when he is showering me with love. I know I have an addiction to him, it's very hard for me to walk away. He's done plenty of things that I should have walked away from then but I didn't, I just wasn't ready to leave yet but now I am. I really am ready to walk away I just don't see how. It's very depressing because I feel trapped.

[Littleleft]

Hi Cloudy Days



I'm sorry to hear things have been so difficult for you, I really feel for you. I think you're right that you do need to look after you right now.

I'm in a similar situation myself - things are horrible a lot of the time (scary, verbally and emotionally abusive, I'm to blame for everything and I'm bad in so many ways etc) and then sometimes he seems so lovely again and it makes me doubt my doubts! We also have a pet which makes it even more difficult for me to think of leaving, and in the past my pwBPD has made it clear he won't leave our house (even though I pay for everything and he won't be able to keep the house going) so if I want to get out of the relationship I will somehow have to up and leave myself.

It's difficult to imagine how you're actually going to go about leaving isn't it?  Do you have family or friends who know what's happening? Can you talk to them about going to stay with them?  Maybe if you have a clear idea of where you are going, you could then move on to the next step of planning which I suppose would be how you get your stuff out.

Does he not ever leave the house? It would be good if you could move some of your stuff out when he's not there if there is ever an opportunity (maybe with a friends help if you can't have use of the car) so you dont have to worry about that side of it when you actually come to telling him you're going.  If he is always there, could you take little bits over a few trips in a way that he wouldn't notice? So that you don't have so much to take when you do actually go?

Sorry, I'm probably not being much help! I'm sure someone who's been through it can offer you some better suggestions.

Hang in there and stay strong.

[Cloudy Days]

No, he really doesn't ever leave the house, unless it is with me and he and I both don't have any friends, he's made sure of that. I do plan to go live with my parents, I haven't said anything to them yet because I don't want them to worry and I also don't want them to say anything to him about it. I know that I am welcome at their home at any time though. I am very thankful that my husband is going to be getting a steady paycheck. Before now it's been the same as your situation, I am paying everything and he always tells me to leave when he can't pay for anything himself. I've already decided I would pay for him to stay in the rental place that we have until he figures out where to go. He doesn't want to stay there in the first place. I just don't see him being able to take care of himself and that worries me. The more money he has to work with the better off he may be. I am also very good friends with his mother, she has really been a wonderful friend to me. I don't really want to use her to leave him though, that would just make him hate her and that's not what I want for her. But I still don't see any way out of the situation without it being a war to get out.

Right now I have been focusing on detaching from him and even detaching from my dogs. Although it makes me cry to even think about it. I have been saying goodbye to them every time I see and touch them. Savoring every little minute of joy they bring to me. I just have no fight left in me, I think not leaving is giving up on my life, giving up on me and I don't want to give up on my happiness. I have been focused solely on him and how to make him ok. It's time for me to feel ok, I just know I am going to have to go through a lot of heartache before I will ever feel ok and that really scares me. I'm sick of feeling heartbroken. It's going to destroy me emotionally when I leave. I really never thought life would ever be this hard.

[Littleleft]

Wow there really are a lot of parallels in our situation.  He smokes a lot of weed too (and swears it's the one thing that calms him down), I've ended up with very few friends because I've focused so much on him and trying not to upset him, and so have effectively ignore my own life for the benefit of his. I'm also very close to his mum, during particularly bad times at the end of last year I lived with his mum and dad for two months (my family don't live near by).  My SO also really doesn't want to live where we do now, but tells me to leave when there have been arguments even though he knows he can't afford to have the house without me.

Maybe you do need to tell your parents what's going on and ask them not to say anything to him.  Then they could help you move some smaller bits out without him noticing.  Just getting it off your chests to them and knowing they are ready to help you might make you feel a bit better about it all.

[Cloudy Days]

Yes, I suppose it is something I need to do. I think telling them is the last step from actually leaving. I want to be ready to walk away and I will be when I feel it is right. But it's hard for me to put it in motion ya know. I think one reason I have stayed with my husband for so long through so much is because I am very hard headed. Everyone told me that this relationship wasn't going to last. Me and my "I'll prove you wrong" mentality wanted to prove to my parents that he wasn't a bad guy and we would last. I think I have been waiting for him to set something in motion. For him to cross a line or do something so I feel ok to walk away. I am reading the workshop on the FOG right now. I do fear him, I do feel obligated to be there for him and I do feel guilty for even thinking abut walking away. Heck I stopped posting on these boards for the longest time because I felt like I was betraying him. I convinced myself for a little while that moving to another state was what a loving wife would do for her husband, regardless of how much it would affect me personally.  I'm still in a lot of turmoil about all of it, I know what I want though, I just have to prepare myself for it. I've only recently really started to think about leaving as a viable option. I think it's harder to think about leaving than it is to stay in the FOG. I am someone who avoids all their problems, puts them on the back burner until I absolutely have to deal with them. This is something I have to deal with and stop pushing it aside, but I still feel paralyzed to take those first steps to put it in motion.

[Littleleft]

Absolutely, it's a difficult decision to make and to put into practice, so it's no wonder you feel overwhelmed by it.

Try to be good to yourself and look after yourself