Seems like she's found someone decent. It calms me down...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I know I need to focus on ME rather than obsessing and ruminating about my uBPDxso, but I still do from time to time

I just wanted to share with you that from her fb account it looks like she's made friends with someone that seems to me like a nice, cool guy.

He has a few similarities to me, (unsurprisingly, or actually surprisingly comparing to other short flirts she had in the last few months but that's a different topic).

Anyhow, the thing I find interesting and I wanted to share it with the you guys is that it makes me calmer to imagine she is in good hands and she is not in a potentially harmful relationship as the last more serious two were.

Oddly, I still care for her and want her to be happy and safe.

This still gives the reflection of her in my mind too much power over my psyche as true detachment would mean less of an affect on me whatever she does.

But I'm still happy for her, regardless.

As for myself, I feel happier and more free.

Definitely less triggered.

TIL

[trappedinlove]

I know I need to focus on ME rather than obsessing and ruminating about my uBPDxso, but I still do from time to time

I just wanted to share with you that from her fb account it looks like she's made friends with someone that seems to me like a nice, cool guy.

He has a few similarities to me, (unsurprisingly, or actually surprisingly comparing to other short flirts she had in the last few months but that's a different topic).

Anyhow, the thing I find interesting and I wanted to share it with the you guys is that it makes me calmer to imagine she is in good hands and she is not in a potentially harmful relationship as the last more serious two were.

Oddly, I still care for her and want her to be happy and safe.

This still gives the reflection of her in my mind too much power over my psyche as true detachment would mean less of an affect on me whatever she does.

But I'm still happy for her, regardless.

As for myself, I feel happier and more free.

Definitely less triggered.

TIL

[arjay]

I do understand, because when mine left, I did honestly care about her well being and ironically did worry whether she knew what she was doing.  What I did learn from her is that she is a "survivor" (something my counselor drove home too).  So if your approach works for you in moving on, then at the end-of-day that is really what matters.  We are often simply one chapter of many in their lives.

They are survivors and sometimes I think better at it than we are  

Peace

[drxap]

I never saw my ex smoke. Now she smokes pot and cigarettes, which I would imagine is because she is trying to cope with sadness.

Sure I would feel better if she were happy, but her happiness (or anyone else's for that matter!) isn't my responsibility. That was my problem before, always feeling obligated to other people's feelings. Those feelings allowed me to become the caretaker for a pwBPD. Only my happiness is my responsibility, and that's quite a task for now.

[55suns]

Trappedinlove: you are a better man than I.  My ex is with what seems to be a decent guy and I'm a little mad.  Likely because in 4 months he appears to be going towards bieng the replacement daddy and husband and she seems happy... . I wanted to make her happy!  Kudos to you!

[AwakenedOne]

TIL,

You are truly a good person to have this attitude.  It's great that it has a calming effect on you also which is really a positive thing.   

AO

[Emelie Emelie]

I'm glad you're able to feel that way too.  On one hand I actually worry that another women would "hurt" him.  They wouldn't understand his BPD and vulnerabilities.  On the other hand I can't even begin to deal with the thought of him with someone else.  It is admirable of you.  More than that it shows that you're healing... . letting go... . not feeling so responsible for her.  Good for you.

[trappedinlove]

arjay, thanks for your kind response.

They are survivors and sometimes I think better at it than we are  

True.  I agree and try to learn from her and extract any survival skill I can adopt.

I often compare our survival tactics to rationalize my thinking... .

For example, as I was triggered by her going out with whomever, I was thinking "hack, I'm going out too, I'm meeting new potential partners, I want a new r/s, I'm having sex with new partners, so what's wrong with that?"  Am I having double standards, one for me and one for her? And the rational answer was "yes". Therefore I need to detach and free myself from this unconscious state of responsibility and "control by protection" (which is often a sidekick of codependency).

So if your approach works for you in moving on, then at the end-of-day that is really what matters.

Well, I hope I'm on the right track for detachment,  It feels so at the moment

We are often simply one chapter of many in their lives.

That's a great point.  And it is true vice versa.

Throughout the r/s with her and while dealing with the excruciating b/u pain I kept feeling a mystical sense of being eternal soulmates to each other.  Including spiritual visions of past lives together.  That made is real hard on me to detach as reality was in complete dissonance with my internal perception of how things are supposed to be.

I still feel the eternal connection.  However, true or not, it doesn't matter.  Life has its own dynamics and relationships form, deform, break up, and die.  Part of the natural cycle of life.  And that's ok.  Radically accepting that is also one of the pillars of detachment.

[trappedinlove]

Sure I would feel better if she were happy, but her happiness (or anyone else's for that matter!) isn't my responsibility. That was my problem before, always feeling obligated to other people's feelings. Those feelings allowed me to become the caretaker for a pwBPD. Only my happiness is my responsibility, and that's quite a task for now.

drxap, very well said.  I can't agree more.

That touches a delicate point about being codependent.

The urge to help and feel responsible for your SO's happiness.

Some level of attachment and codependency is required (and even desired) is a normal healthy relationship but it is devastating when we hold on to it after the r/s is gone.

The thing is that when I said to myself I need to focus on myself and stop feeling responsible for her happiness I felt a lot of guilt about that. Because I truly do want her to be happy.  Otherwise my love to her was a complete lie.

I was thinking of other past significant relationships from which I had no problems detaching and I am feeling happy for their happiness, just that I don't feel responsible for that.

The main difference, I think, is that the other ex's are healthy and sane and need no support while my r/s with uBPDx was based to a great deal on mutual support.  She is a victim of sexual abuse, CPTSD, and BPD.  That makes me forgive her for all the crazy ___ she is going through, even when it's targeted towards me.

I think that this explains why when I see her surviving well, hopefully calming down and taking care of herself, it releases me from the urge to help and support her. Feels like I was bailed out and got away with it

But point taken.  Regardless of how she ends up I need to have the control over my psyche and release myself from any responsibility for her once our r/s was over, like I feel for many other friends I have and care about.  I would gladly help them in need in any way I can but I don't feel responsible for them and there is a healthy separation between us.

[trappedinlove]

Trappedinlove: you are a better man than I.  My ex is with what seems to be a decent guy and I'm a little mad.  Likely because in 4 months he appears to be going towards bieng the replacement daddy and husband and she seems happy... . I wanted to make her happy!  Kudos to you!

55suns, be not mistaken.  I'm very envious of him.

You are in a different position as we were not married and we certainly have no children together.

I was in a similar point after breaking up from my wife (a different story, that preceded my r/s with uBPDx).

My then x-wife met someone and was quite happy with him as a bf.

I remember the first times I came picking up my kids and I saw his car parked outside my house or him present in my house and that drove me mad.  Like "how can she let a STRANGER into "our" house and be with MY KIDS" It was indeed very painful at the beginning, but as time went by and I got used to it, this no longer felt so painful.  Later on, she got cancer and was going through chemo and everything and I was there to help but I had really no romantic feelings for her anymore.  At this point I was really glad for her that she has someone to hug because I couldn't... .

In your case, 4 months seem a bit short for finding a significant relationship with someone that can honestly take a constructive role in your children's lives.  You never know.  She could be idealizing and it is likely so, but like you said, he seems to be a decent guy so he could very well be a good partner to her and good parent figure to your children.  This is a good thing.

[trappedinlove]

I'm glad you're able to feel that way too.  On one hand I actually worry that another women would "hurt" him.  They wouldn't understand his BPD and vulnerabilities.  On the other hand I can't even begin to deal with the thought of him with someone else.  It is admirable of you.  More than that it shows that you're healing... . letting go... . not feeling so responsible for her.  Good for you.

Thank you so much Emelie. It seems like you want to be able to deal with the thought of your ex being with someone else as you see it as part of the healing and detaching process.  Hang in there 

You don't need to hate your ex or wish bad for him to be able to detach.  It is more than ok to care and to wish for his happiness just be careful it doesn't hold you back from detaching. It's his life now and it is up to him to make the best out of it.

[Aussie JJ]

This is interesting to me. 

Because of our son, I have been fearing that she is using him to forfill her attachment needs, I hope she has someone else to do this, look after her and take her abuse.  Because I still love her and care for her.  I dont want her to be with another man, I want her to be with me. 

It is so conflicting to me to want her to be 'fixed' and be happy ever after with me.  Then I want her to be with someone else so that she harms him and not our son. 

Found out many things in the last week or two and they have been horrible for me to confront, mostly about me if im honest.  I am now sort of accepting and have had a more positive experience for me accepting the chaos today than ruminating on the past and wondering about the future. 

It is a wieeeeerd dynamic. 

[moveforward]

I agree with many here, it is great you are able to think in a positive way and have a good feeling for your uBPDx. One thing that is important for me in my own recovery process and I have decided to do is try not to worry about what my uBPDx is doing or who he is with (for many years I felt responsible for his happiness and was always worried and ready to help…... so many situations he put himself into and I was always the rescuer, but, it was pointless there wld always be something else and happiness for him is utopic….) thinking about it now, I was acting as a caring parent and not as a partner... .

I have realized that one way WE can get help is to turn the focus inward, that is when the results start to appear for us, and I believe it is the only way to keep moving forward. However, I also find it really hard to stay there for long and it requires a lot of persistence and hard work… I find I can be good and confident one day just to loose it all on the other.  I also find it easier not to look at social media pages because if I do I loose focus. As they say “ What the eyes don’t see, the heart can’t feel”

Whatever path my uBPDx chooses is his responsibility and it is time for him to take account of his life, that also applies to myself….