My Heart Aches - Please Help

[mjdg8r]

My 10-month relationship with my BPDgf ended about two weeks ago. I'm and trying No Contact, but struggling mightily. Throughout our entire relationship I sacrificed so much of my emotion, time, energy, money and so much more. I neglected everything else in my life, (i.e. professional obligations, family, friends... . myself), in order to prove my commitment and faithfulness. Like so many others that I have read on here and through other resources, our relationship started off with incredible intensity, passion and great times. Then suddenly, after only a few months, odd behavior started to happen with more frequency. At first, I was - somewhat - flattered by her jealousy and her insecurities. It made me feel wanted and that she was really into me. It quickly became obvious that her behavior was more than just harmless insecurities. Despite my incredible efforts to reassure her that I was faithful and have no desire to be with anyone else, she would accuse me of flirting with waitresses when I ordered food, and checking out other women. Worse, on several occasions she would accuse me of being with prostitutes - this one baffled me. When I would return home from work, or just running errands, she would smell me for perfume and check me for marks. She would accuse me of going to strip clubs and on and on and on... .

I would go through great lengths to prove myself to her including giving her full access to my phone, email, text messages, bank accounts, ATM and credit card information/transactions... . etc. It never was enough to show her that I was absolutely committed to her. Her phone was always off limits. She would receive and send text messages to ex-boyfriends. Her insecurities turned to increased verbal abuse. Her verbal abuse turned to full-on rage. Rage turned into physical abuse. She broke my nose, made it bleed on several occasions, she dislocated my finger in several locations, scars above my eye and much more. In spite of it all, I would only try harder to prove my love to her. I have never experienced anything like this in my life. Not even close. I began to seek help online and realized quickly that I was dealing with BPD.

Over the past few months, as things got increasing worse, I completely shut out the world to try to began to get increasingly more depressed, but still tried everything in my power to prove my love to her. It was useless. She only got worse. Finally, she left... . and now I get hateful text messages. She only text - rarely ever calls. She accuses my of abusing her and her children. She says the most hurtful and painful things about me. A few weeks ago, she called the cops to file a police report that I stole her phone - absolutely not true ---- simply, bizarre. I wouldn't do that. I spent ten months giving her everything I could. I never asked for anything in return except for her love and respect.

About three weeks ago, she informed me that she is pregnant. Presumably, with my child - I am convinced that is the case. However, she will not let me see her. Instead, she'll send me the occasion picture. This past weekend, she sent me very convincing text messages that she had an abortion. The next day, she sent me updated pictures of herself show and telling me what the baby’s name is going to be and when her next doctor’s appointment is. Acting completely as if the abortion conversation never happened. I, simply, cannot believe what I am experiencing. I am so grateful I found this website and community. There is so much more to write about, but my post is long enough and I don’t want to turn off readers. I am three days in to No Contact – it is so hard. I miss her so much and I want to help her, because I love her. But, I am realizing – painfully – that my love was unrequited. I am convinced now, that she never loved me at all. I believe she is incapable of love and it hurts so bad.

I’m looking for any kind of support and encouragement that anyone has to offer. Especially, in regards to No Contact. I believe I have to do it to save my life and heal. It is so hard... . night times are tough. My heart aches and I miss her immensely. Please help... . please... .

[Emelie Emelie]

I am so sorry mjdg8r.  You've certainly been through the wringer.    to you.  We all understand how much this hurts.  Glad you are here.  I've dealt with the extreme jealousy, rage and abuse as well.  Although my BF never got physical.  I know that you love her very much but I'm sure you also know that this relationship isn't a healthy one... . isn't good for you.  This is a woman who broke your nose and dislocated your fingers.  No one deserves emotional or physical abuse.  It is hard to understand why we still "love" them and want to be with them.  I think you'll find a lot of great advice here on what keeps you stuck and how to cope. 

Are you sure she's pregnant?  I would be hesitant to believe that without proof. 

Good for you for three days of NC.  I know how hard that is when we love someone and miss them.  This is giving you some time to sort out your feelings and figure out your next steps.  You'll feel less desperate after some time has passed.  I promise you. 

Hang in there and be good to yourself. 




 

[AwakenedOne]

mjdg8r,

Hey your story is extremely close to mine. I feel for you so much man.

My ex - uBPDstbxw, lashed out in violence against me also. I was at times scared she would actually kill me. Reading your story is giving me a ton of flashbacks. Mine told all the lies and games like yours is doing too.

Sounds like you want opinions and advice so here goes: This type of person is not going to change. As she's doing she's going to lie and get you arrested someday for some lie she made up or she's going to physically hurt you. In my 4 year marriage my wife only got worse and more violent.

This thing with the abortion and the baby names she's giving is hard to make out. Maybe she's torturing you? Maybe its all a lie? I don't know what to say about that. I guess maybe LC to sort out what's up with the child? If there is a child? Then NC if no child. If there is a child calm civil LC child talk only, nothing else.

Hang in there, we are here for you  

AO

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey mj, I could have written your post a while ago, and I'm very sorry you're in the middle of that, but unfortunately your story is not unique and you are in the right place.

It's very early for you, and I recommend you cut off all forms of communication with her and do something radically different than you normally do, like leave town for a few days, just to shift your focus.  Also, don't drink any booze, no sleeping pills, try and eat right and get some exercise and sunshine.  The most important thing is to start to break the emotional connection, which is difficult but you can do it, and it will get easier with a little time, and then we can start helping you process what you went through.  Take care of you!

[mjdg8r]

Thank you all for responding with your personal stories, words of support and encouragement.

Awakened... . similar to you, I actually feared for my life at times. She, on more than, one occasion made reference to having her "friends" take care of me if I ever cheated or hurt her. I know something was odd, when she purchased a special edition of people magazine called "Women that Kill". Also, it was always a concern, when she would watch some many crime shows, like "Forensic Files", and almost idolize the killers. Scary, scary stuff... .

Now, with a little more clear thought and perspective, I agree... . she would have me arrested on false charges and would have no hesitation about ruining my life. There is no telling what this women is capable of.

For months, I kept everything inside and neglected family and friends - people that, truly, care about me and have my best interests at heart. It wasn't until I finally opened up to a select few that I really started to be honest with myself about the situation and what was happening to me. It saved my life! I have been seeing a therapist now - that is the level of effect this has all had on me. It is so hard, because I love her so much. I know, I am doing right thing... . but, will continue to rely on support and I hope to be supportive and helpful to others in our situation.

A very heartfelt thank you to those of you that took the time to read my story and respond with support and encouragement. I appreciate it greatly.

[AwakenedOne]

Awakened... . similar to you, I actually feared for my life at times. She, on more than, one occasion made reference to having her "friends" take care of me if I ever cheated or hurt her. I know something was odd, when she purchased a special edition of people magazine called "Women that Kill". Also, it was always a concern, when she would watch some many crime shows, like "Forensic Files", and almost idolize the killers. Scary, scary stuff... .

Yeah that's scary, mine attacked me when I was sleeping as her preferred time to get me. Also smiled and said she would enjoy seeing me suffer and die and would not help save me a few times when mad. One good thing is you and I didn't end up on the "Forensic Files" show as victims.

I know it's rough for you. You love this girl. I loved my girl too. Thing is after "facing the facts" the love they have for us is either faked/lie or they are so mentally ill its not anything near a normal love. This place is helpful to me still. Vent, ask questions or whatever.  

[Lion Fire]

Hi mjdg8r,

This is a dreadful story. I feel for you man.

All I can suggest is that you stay close to this forum and keep reaching out.

The pregnancy situation sounds awful. If I was in your shoes I would ask her for proof that she is in fact pregnant and that it is your child. If she refuses to do this then cut all contact and leave the rest to her and the universe. If she does give you that evidence and she is pregnant with your child then I would seek counsel from a professional,find out your legal rights and take it from there.

I am not giving you advice but that's what I would do. I would also distance myself for now to regain some kind of balance.

You have taken a real battering on every level. look after yourself.

I wish you peace

[Banshee]

 I get so overwhelmed at the stories here that I just become speechless... such awesome advice from everyone...

The pregnancy situation sounds awful. If I was in your shoes I would ask her for proof that she is in fact pregnant and that it is your child. If she refuses to do this then cut all contact and leave the rest to her and the universe.

I would do this immediately ! 

Keep posting and stay no contact we are here to listen and a shoulder to lean on 

[ScotisGone74]

Man that's a tough one.    My prayers for you.     Hang in there.    A lot of us have been in a position like your s.   

If I was in a spot like that I would go ahead and get prepared by reserving myself a good attorney and inform him/her of the situation.   Also begin No Contact with the exBPD.    If in the event a baby does pop up and is proven to be yours then let your attorney handle the legal aspects of a child in regards to what you wish and any contact with her.   

[mjdg8r]

Wow! I am absolutely blown away by the sound and practical advice offered up by those that have responded. I value the advice and appreciate it all so much! It's helpful to know that there is so much support and understanding from the members of this board.

Thank you!

[Lion Fire]

Awakened... . similar to you, I actually feared for my life at times. She, on more than, one occasion made reference to having her "friends" take care of me if I ever cheated or hurt her.

yeah, I had this too. when we started dating she told me that a couple of her male "friends" wanted to have a "chat' with me to tell me to take care of her. I let that slide and wasn't phased... . She knew I am a boxer and I'm also well connected but threw in that one early to try and warn me. No response 

She then threatened to get another male "friend" (most likely my replacement btw) to be at her house when I was going to collect my belongings. He's a krav maga instructor. I blanked that too but made sure I had a small crew on stand by outside in case I was met with force  Her female friend was there instead . She knew I wasn't intimidated by violence or physical threats.

The thing is, I was more afraid of her than anyone in my whole life. Her emotional and verbal violence was more damaging than any beating I have ever taken. I was petrified of her. That women had me a quivering wreck at times.

[Narellan]

Omg you are really being out through the wringer. I really feel your pain. It's particularly devastating the first month or so out. For now just grieve the loss of the relationship. Be sad, cry when you need to. Accept that it's over if that's your decision. It sounds like you believe that but are still caught up in the fog. It starts to lift after a few weeks but NC is absolutely vital for your recovery. Everyone here can understand how you feel, we've all been there. Please do lots of reading and posting on here and learn some tools in case she attempts to recycle you. Take care