I’ve learned that inward assumptions are the key to getting out the black paint

[Stalwart]

It wasn’t until recently that I stumbled across one of the most frightening facts about the thinking of a BPD. That’s assumptions.

It is amazing when I talk to my wife about anything in the past and I stay far away from negative issues how she thought at the time. How she would make assumptions about something being wrong and hold on to them until they became her reality in thinking and they become real to her.

For one example we were discussing sex and I hope this isn’t a taboo subject because it’s important to most of us and most of us struggle to some degree trying to maintain or even keep a healthy sex life going with our partners.

For years I thought we were OK together sexually. You know you get into your routines that you THINK your partner likes or is comfortable with and once in a while you stray outside the box etc….

A couple of years ago my wife came to the conclusion I was sexually selfish and using her for sex. She turned right off having sex with me and as a result starting looking outside the marriage to fill her needs for attention with regards to sexual activitiy. Actually truth be told I really don’t know that she altogether so big on sex in the first place and I often felt that sex was just a tool she’d use.

Fact is I wasn’t filling her needs sexually. In all those years she never once told me what those needs were and how to actually bring her to an orgasm. Believe me, I’ve come to learn that’s a really specific process and you better know exactly what you’re doing and how and where to do that or you won’t achieve it. I know this now after she finally opened up about it but for years she never said a thing. She assumed guys should know and to anyone who does know for every woman there is a totally different way.

So for years she was unsatisfied. She assumed I didn’t care and finally came to a point of assuming that I was only interested in pleasing myself hence: I was just using her for my sexual pleasure. Nothing can be further from the truth. Who doesn’t want to be an Adonis to his wife? To please her as much as you do yourself. Maybe I’m wrong but I would think that's the goal of every husband.

Point being it was the assumptions she was making and coming to light as being reality to her that was so damaging. I still to this day don’t understand why she never approached me with the truth about what she wanted and needed that way. All I can get is “I thought guys know!”. I asked if guys in her past knew and she told me that none of them cared, they only cared about themselves like I did before. Wow that’s scary thinking.

I’ve applied that same thinking of her making rash assumptions, holding them in and allowing them to mature into realism to so many other issues and each time it proves out to be the source of misunderstanding and the start of being painted black in her mind. Now the trick is to go forward and because I’m not a mind-reader getting to open up more with her REAL feelings and thoughts about things on her mind so they can be approached in a healthy way prior to escalating. It’s made a huge difference but it took three specific things to come into play to make this a reality.

My awareness of this illness, how it affects her and ultimately affects me

Her recognizing that she has an illness that might just lead to her thinking not being the ‘same’ as mine and,

Her learning to believe in me and trust me to open up to me with her real thoughts on things. (Sometimes that really takes a lot of radical acceptance and acknowledging that her thought are real to her and understanding that from her perspective and definitely not ever criticizing or belittling  those thoughts but finding ways to bring them to perhaps a slightly different reality that I can validate and support.)

Just wondering if anyone has ever noticed this and how they’ve progressed with it in a positive way to recognize it in their partners if they don’t say anything, see it, understand it and work with it?

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[bpbreakout]

Interesting post, not sure if I can say they we have progressed with this though it's definately something I have started to notice and it helps me feel less defensive, angry and a lot more confident in myself. We have similar issues with our sex life which I think have a lot to do with self esteem and shame (hers) and which have morphed into anger at me over the last few months. She has withdrawn from me but at the same time blames me for being cold and selfish and useless. She also tells me I need to "step up to the mark" or similar and threatens to have an affair (it's quite hard writing this  ) . As she sees me as selfish I think this is very strongly linked to seeing sex/intimacy as a favour to me which in turn I guess says she is being used. She started to get very angry with me for several days after sex which also related to her not getting what she wanted out of the "deal". I told her I thought she was selling herself short a few weeks ago (ie it could be something we both enjoy) but it didn't go down at all well with her.

I keep up my mantra of living day to day as I really don't know where our relationship is going. All I do know is that I'm very uncomfortable about her approach to intimacy and sex and it's definately not working for me. If someone calls me useless and tells me to step up to the mark I'm selling myself short by accepting that kind of treatment.

I am doing a on line CBT course called moodgym which is great for clarifying what they call "warpy thoughts". I have a few of my own that I'm picking up on and also helps me clarify when BPDw is having "warpy thoughts" and makes me much less inclined to feel defensive

[Stalwart]

I sure know what you're saying BPB. It's really hard to step up to mark and want to when you're being criticized at the same time. I've been fortunate because I was able to hit a milestone where I said "Put the past behind me and start fresh from the start" while I changed a lot about myself. It's helped a lot but it really isn't always easy to totally stay away from the dark areas that creep into your head about the past sometimes.

Glad to hear you're still engaged in learning. That's been my only hope going forward and although I've always been a prolific reader I think sometimes I'm too engaged in learning and once in a while just have to put the books away for a bit and just focus on the day.

Living for the moment is tough and I can say I lived like that for about four years. No real ambition with regards to our relationship, just hoping each day would go by without a major incident to a point where I probably became complacient trying to ignore the problems. That didn't work well for me at all so now I'm far more engaged in every day and what it presents between us. But hey, they're way better days and now find I really look forward to doing things and even plan things to do with her like going away and going out together because all of that had fallen by the wayside with the disappointment in what I was living.


Good thing is though there is always hope that things can turn around and I find I'm still guarded without huge expectations because I'm still wary of things turning backwards but hey, I'm not angry or hurt any longer because I know I've given everthing my very best shot and she has a responsibility in the outcome as well and now she knows that.

It would be nice when things arent' going right if you could open up the lines of communications honestly and work them out together, for the most parts now I can but it took a lot for her to totally gain trust back in the fact that I'm there for her. Persistence and actions go far more than words do in showing that.

I hope somehow you work this out BPB because I can so easily see that you deserve it, so does she if she could only recognize the possibilities. 

[waverider]

There is a lot of retrospective rewriting of their realities. It could very well be that she did not know what she likes. Now that she has found out, then she will rewrite it as she always did but you didn't care.

I have often heard my partner recount how she used to feel about this or that, when in truth I know she either had no knowledge or interest in the matter.

The "now" is often validated by rewriting the past, and crystal balling the future to match the now. When tomorrows "now" is different the past is rewritten again, and future plans are changed. In effect they invent their sense of continuity. A pwBPDs reality is not based firmly on actual facts.

[Stalwart]

I've heard a million re-writes and also things I know at the time she was 'switched off" to and rewrote over time to be the most important things ever to her. It amazes me and really knowing what the right story is I think is probably impossible.

I find it does no good to challenge a re-write though and her reality, whether stable or not, is her reality in that moment for whatever reason she needs it to be.

Hey, if there were easy answers anyone could do it.

[ziniztar]

I think it has to do with the black and white thinking as well.

I've heard my dBPDbf say he had the best time of his life when we were on a holiday together. At the time it did not really seem like it - but we were recovering from our first and I hope last break-up after he completely dysregulated.

I think for him saying our trip was 'meh' or 'okay' does not fit his current idealization phase. He says - even to others: "everything with her is always amazing". I'm guessing that when the black side is more active, that same vacation all of a sudden was boring.

[twogrey]

It's an interesting thread and I agree with you about assumptions becoming reality in thinking for the BPD. 

However, the whole thing about communicating about sexual fullfillment with your partner is such a touchy subject ... not just for BPD.  Of course, ideally we would all be able to put into words what is the most satisfying ... but it's just not that easy for everyone.  And sometimes after an unsuccessful attempt (or 2 or 3) it's just too frustrating to keep trying to explain what you need, especially if your partner (irregardless if BPD or nonBPD) is touchy and tends to take suggestions as an "insult". Just my opinion.

[Stalwart]

BPb

"I am doing a on line CBT course called moodgym"

Never heard of it but thanks for posting I'm def going to check it out.

twogrey:

"it's just too frustrating to keep trying to explain what you need, especially if your partner (irregardless if BPD or nonBPD) is touchy and tends to take suggestions as an "insult". Just my opinion."

It's a very perceptive opinion. Unfortunately for most this seems to be the case. I think your willingness depends largely on your upbringing and how these conversations would be percieived. My parent, grandparents were very prudish and silent about 'all sex' it was a taboo subject and I find I'm that way to a certain degree in person as well. Was anyway?

Truth be known what you said rings so true because for as many years as my wife never said anything to me I wanted to talk to her about technique etc but if I tried to approach it all heck would break loose because she would percieve it as an insult. Sometimes silence is golden when the consequences are black.

Oh well, if we lived in a perfect world we wouldn't be here sharing ideas about how to create one would we?

My wife is still a little hesitant about talking about this but she's coming out of her shell bit by bit as she seems to be enjoying it more. Small gains are good gains.

[ziniztar]

I've had (non) partners that were absolutely deaf to anything I ever said to them regarding sex. It made ME shut up, as every time he'd do something in the exactly same way as before I felt I was ignored and my needs didn't matter, again. Do I start sounding like a broken record already?  

The thing with my current dBPDbf is that he seems to be very sensitive to what I want, and listen to me. That environment (!) makes it easy to give advice. Sometimes when I don't want sex (simply because I'm tired, we've had sex all nights before and I need to get up early for work) he thinks I don't want him anymore and will leave him. That can be annoying as it's already late when this happens and some weeks I get slightly sleep deprived because of these episodes.

He does say that it's really hard for him to have sex. He never explained why. He's also diagnosed with ADHD so his mind wonders off all the time. Sometimes he seems to loose it a little, meaning that he can forget he's hurting me (a too solid grip on a shoulder for instance). That can be a tad scary sometimes because he doesn't seem to realize it, but I can always get him out of it.