Undecided asked uBPDh to leave to give us space

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I joined the board yesterday. I asked uBPDh to leave: He's been gone 3 days. I feel like a huge weight is off me. But... . I think--I know-- he's just biding his time, working up his strategy and gathering his evidence, so when he returns he can turn it around on me and once again, make it my fault (so he can cope), and then have make-up sex (so he can feel good).

I posted my story, part of it anyway, on the new member board. I spent a few hours looking over the various boards. When I read the Staying Board posts, I can't help but think: What the hell are we doing when we decide to stay? I even replied to people's posts, basically telling them to Get Out Now before they spend 21 years suffering, like me. I feel badly for doing that, because some of my posts were harsh, but I am just so sick and tired and angry at these BPDs ruling our lives. I mean, how can we reconcile being a doormat for the rest of our lives because THEY are sick and won't get help or even admit they have a problem. And even if they DO admit (I learned the acronym meant "diagnosed-BPD" finally ) and even when they are in therapy, we partners have a list a mile long of how to deal with them and their behavior! Who takes care of us?

I read the posts and almost Every Single One I can say : Yup, I been through that. The roller-coaster. The blame game. The triangulation. The lonely isolation imposed by the BPD. The broken friendships. The shame. The covering up I do. The "validating". The shielding of the children. The depression. And one I just read this morning about how when they come back after a blowout, we (stupidly) think are "Sorry", and they act all loving. Notice, they never apologize for what they did to YOU... . they are sorry only for it happening--its always All About Them and Their Feelings and its still Our Fault. And, the Best: Them Blaming You and Saying YOU are the one who is sick and needs help.  

I know I am a the point where my uBPDh has used up all of his "love credits". I am done making excuses for him. Our children are seeing him for what he is: a tormentor, a tyrant, and unstable person. Friends and family are beginning to see it too. I think of all the times over the years I made excuses, spent time worrying when the next blowout would be, blaming myself, avoiding social situations, breaking off friendships, all to please him, to placate him. I am out of love.

Now the big question: What do I do when he comes back? (I don't want him to come back) He will pretend it was just a silly spat and we are OK now. He might bring flowers. He will want to touch me. The one thing he will not do is admit he has a problem. He will either want to "share" the blame, or blame me altogether. Been here, done that.

Thank you for letting me vent, for "listening". I apologise to the people I was harsh to on the boards. I know they are hurting so much. I have been there. I just want to know I helped ONE person get away before its too late, and you find yourself 48 years old, no job, with 4 kids and still on this merry-go-round of pain. God bless... .  

[babyoctopus]

I joined the board yesterday. I asked uBPDh to leave: He's been gone 3 days. I feel like a huge weight is off me. But... . I think--I know-- he's just biding his time, working up his strategy and gathering his evidence, so when he returns he can turn it around on me and once again, make it my fault (so he can cope), and then have make-up sex (so he can feel good).

I posted my story, part of it anyway, on the new member board. I spent a few hours looking over the various boards. When I read the Staying Board posts, I can't help but think: What the hell are we doing when we decide to stay? I even replied to people's posts, basically telling them to Get Out Now before they spend 21 years suffering, like me. I feel badly for doing that, because some of my posts were harsh, but I am just so sick and tired and angry at these BPDs ruling our lives. I mean, how can we reconcile being a doormat for the rest of our lives because THEY are sick and won't get help or even admit they have a problem. And even if they DO admit (I learned the acronym meant "diagnosed-BPD" finally ) and even when they are in therapy, we partners have a list a mile long of how to deal with them and their behavior! Who takes care of us?

I read the posts and almost Every Single One I can say : Yup, I been through that. The roller-coaster. The blame game. The triangulation. The lonely isolation imposed by the BPD. The broken friendships. The shame. The covering up I do. The "validating". The shielding of the children. The depression. And one I just read this morning about how when they come back after a blowout, we (stupidly) think are "Sorry", and they act all loving. Notice, they never apologize for what they did to YOU... . they are sorry only for it happening--its always All About Them and Their Feelings and its still Our Fault. And, the Best: Them Blaming You and Saying YOU are the one who is sick and needs help.  

I know I am a the point where my uBPDh has used up all of his "love credits". I am done making excuses for him. Our children are seeing him for what he is: a tormentor, a tyrant, and unstable person. Friends and family are beginning to see it too. I think of all the times over the years I made excuses, spent time worrying when the next blowout would be, blaming myself, avoiding social situations, breaking off friendships, all to please him, to placate him. I am out of love.

Now the big question: What do I do when he comes back? (I don't want him to come back) He will pretend it was just a silly spat and we are OK now. He might bring flowers. He will want to touch me. The one thing he will not do is admit he has a problem. He will either want to "share" the blame, or blame me altogether. Been here, done that.

Thank you for letting me vent, for "listening". I apologise to the people I was harsh to on the boards. I know they are hurting so much. I have been there. I just want to know I helped ONE person get away before its too late, and you find yourself 48 years old, no job, with 4 kids and still on this merry-go-round of pain. God bless... .  

[Fanie]

AMEN !

Be strong

don't allow him to recycle you !

Use the board to stay strong ... . Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of a failed BPD Relationship

may God bless

Don't stop praying please

[babyoctopus]

   

Thank you Fanie, I am trying to be strong.

[Forestaken]

BabyOct:

I was married 24 years to a uBPD+dOCDw. She was physically abusive:  Hitting, punch, kicking, scratching, pulling hair (her favorite).  In July 2011, she left to go to her hometown for her aunt's funeral, stayed, missed D's 18th bday, Xmas, S's Bday, my bday, etc.  On May 2, 2012, she called me, my S answered, I was out at the pharmacy. I called back, her older sister answered told me about a big fight. My X hit her younger sister.  It was then I decided on a divorce.  I wish I could tell you he's going to get better- he's not.  You'll get better after you get rid of him.  My divorce was expensive.  But I would never go back.  I struggled sometimes but always made it through.  you will too.