Here we go again - did I do something wrong?

[Up In the Air]

Hey all - it's been awhile! Why are my posts always so long? LOL.

My DH decided a few months back that it was time to see if we could reconcile with his uBPD mom and also his dad (who we suspect to have NPD). We have been NC/VLC for 1.5 years. He hadn't actually acted on reconciling, but I knew it was coming. I personally feel like it's a waste of time, but I know he wants to see if it will work and try different boundaries this time (especially since finances are not involved this time around; his father and him co-owned a house we lived in). I am dreading this, but I know I need to stand behind him as he tries this.

As I was sending an order for flowers to be delivered to my mom for Mother's Day, I asked him if he wanted me to send his mom flowers too (I found in the past that if I didn't try to make things 'even' between both sets of parents, he would feel frustrated. Since I knew he was looking for an 'in' to make first contact, I thought this would be a nice gesture. He agreed.) and he said yes. She received the bouquet and after 1.5 years of no phone contact, she called and thanked him.

I was of course listening in to the conversation and she caught up with him quickly and it left both of us with our mouths hanging wide open. ":)id you hear so-in-so moved down south? Did you know so-in-so left her job? How are you? I heard you got a new job. Do you like it? I could just cry, I'm so happy with this flower arrangement. Well, dad and I were going to come up and see you this summer. We have (grand-daughter) in June, but maybe July or August? We could see your new house and where you live."

My husband handled it beautifully. "Well, we were thinking we'd meet you in (home state) and talk."

MIL"Oh. Well yeah, we could do that too. But we'd love to come up there. We don't have to stay with you. We could stay in a hotel. We don't want to impose."

DH: "Well, we'd like to talk with you first about some things."

MIL: "Oh. Well we don't have to come up if you don't want us to come see you."

DH: "No, that's not what I said."

MIL: "I know."

DH: "We'll be in touch and see what works for both of us."

MIL: "Okay, that sounds good."

So there you have it. The oh-so-completely normal way of pretending like nothing is wrong, everything is fine - in fact swept under the rug immediately before calling and absolutely no acknowledgement of 1.5 years of estrangement, much less any kind of personal responsibility. Here we go again.

Am I allowed to take bets on how this is going to turn out? I'd like to get something out of this. Ha. Joking.

Really, I'm just feeling like we let the devil back in, but I am stunned and excited by the backbone my hubby had to hold his boundaries while being kind and gentle. Proud wife here! But here's the thing: afterward, I told him how proud I was of him for handling the situation so well. I also said that I was feeling more confident about how he, in particular, would handle things. Not that I didn't have faith in him, but there were crucial times he didn't stand up for me because of the financial situation we were in with his parents (they used it for punishment and manipulation) before we moved almost 2 years ago.

I expressed that I was feeling better about it, that if this reconciliation - whether just a meeting or if it goes well for longer than that, would be a chance for him to show me how he handles his parents without the finances involved. His reaction to me was super defensive and then after a few moments of silence I asked him if he was upset with me. Then he told me yes and then brought up things between us from forever ago and I felt two inches tall. It was so completely not normal for how we treat each other. We have been so happy without his parents being involved in our lives. He used to go to his parents house and come home in foul moods. I'm really hoping that won't become a normal thing again.

Clearly, I triggered something. I know he has a hard time taking compliments and we've been working on letting go of our frustrations and anger of all the junk that happened before moving to another state and going NC/VLC.  I may have inadvertently pointed out how he didn't stand up for me in the past and that may have rubbed him the wrong way, though he didn't say so. So here is my question to all you adult children of BPD parents: do you have a difficult time accepting compliments or being told that you did something well? Does talking to your BPD parent put you in a bad mood (especially if they're constantly knocking your SO)? Or am I just taking this far too personally? Should I have just shut my mouth?

[Kwamina]

Hi Up In the Air,

I don't think you did anything wrong at all. I understand how hurtful it must have been for you to hear your husband say these things and behave in a way not typical of him. You feel like you're the one who clearly triggered something but when I read your post it seems that his mother was probably the one who triggered something in him. You were just there at the wrong moment. I'm an adult child of an uBPD mom and just the thought of her disrespecting certain boundaries can be quite overwhelming. Your husband was able to stand his ground but he might still have found doing so quite difficult emotionally and his mother saying the things she did could have made him very anxious about what was to come and also bring back bad memories from past experiences with his mother. However, this doesn't excuse his behavior towards you because based on what you've said in your post I personally don't believe you did anything wrong.

[Up In the Air]

Thank you, Kwamina!

After thinking about it, I do feel too that his mom triggered something. And as the best of us do, we kind of take it out on the people around us and people that we can be our vulnerable selves with. It'll be interesting to see how things go in that particular aspect of any reconciliation.

Your husband was able to stand his ground but he might still have found doing so quite difficult emotionally and his mother saying the things she did could have made him very anxious about what was to come and also bring back bad memories from past experiences with his mother.

Your response opened by eyes to how communication with a BPD can really leave a person overwhelmed - even though it may not be visible. That will definitely be something I have my mind on the next time those two speak!