What do I need to consider

[Cloudy Days]

I've been trying to focus on realizing what his abuse has actually done to me. I know that traumatic bonding is what is keeping me so hooked on the thought of actually still wanting him. Talking to him doesn't help I'm sure. I've noticed that I have PTSD, every time I hear a loud noise outside I get a shot of fear and my heart beats faster. Because noises usually triggered him. Heck every time I talk to him I feel worse afterwards. I'm picking up on the manipulative ways he tries to control me even while he is in a prison cell. "If you love me you will do this for me, prove to me you love me" type of talk. I am actually very relieved that he is going to be there for 4 months. This gives me some time to detach and heal and really look at what I want.

[Iforget]

You've been 'Told' he will be there four months. Something could happen and he could be out tomorrow. You need to call the domestic abuse center now. They can help you make a plan. Focus on that.

[Mudmom]

AS others have pointed out, your first responsibility is to yourself. You must first be concerned for your own safety. This time is a gift for you. Find a friend who can take care of your dogs for you for now.  Many counties have Victim SErvices department as part of the court system.  They can help you file the papers needed for a restraining order.  Their advocates know what you need to document and how to tell your story.  They can also refer you to other services from places where you may be able to get financial support to shelters where you can take refuge. The clerk of the county court may also be able to give you information about how to file papers you need. If you are leaving or going to a shelter, make sure you have everything important with you--all important documents, bank books and all account numbers, social security numbers, back tax documents, photos, medical records, medications, employment records, etc.--so that when you leave you do not have to go back. Look for the strength you need to do this, to protect yourself, know that you are worth it, and then you will find the strength you need.

[livednlearned]

Do you think you can stop talking to your H right now? The Stockholm dynamic is going to be really fierce right now, especially because he will portray himself as victimized (even though he made threats and chose to not medicate himself... . ).

[ForeverDad]

Yes, you find it hard to turn off your love for your spouse.  But see your spouse for who he/she is... . not just a messed up person but also a potentially dangerous person who can put your entire future at risk.

I know you're more than perplexed at how she could do this to you.  The core issue is that this is a mental illness where it just plain doesn't make sense, no matter how hard you try to make sense of it.  That's what mental illness is - screwed up, twisted, reversed, blackened illogic.

As an example, try to see her as a wild animal, a panther, lion, tiger, grizzly bear or great white shark.  So majestic - from a distance.  Too close and you're dead meat!  Sadly, you can't afford to risk being too close to this person.  She's out for herself and she leaves broken relationships and carnage in her wake.

Have you read DrJoeCarver.com handouts?  He's a clinical psychologist who writes about these serious personality disorders.  Go to his Articles tab and read these articles:

Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators and Users in Relationships

Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser

On our Articles board:

Emotional Memory Management (Ruminations) - Joseph Carver, Ph.D.

Warning Signs That You're Dating a Loser - Carver, PhD