Just lost all emotional distance

[drxap]

Just got these messages from exBPDgf.

~Hey can I give you a call tonight after I get off work? It's not about rent or anything

~Like that

~I just really wanted to apologize for being so hurtful. And I wanted to tell you that I lied when I told you I cheated because you were bad at it

~I cheated because I had really bad self esteem and I didn't feel like I deserved a good guy.

~But that's all I wanted to say so I hope you cam forgive me and we can maybe be civil at some point or even if we go sep. ways I just wanted you to know that

~Plus I was terrified of ending up like my parents

~And I have high anxiety

~And I lied because I couldn't admit to myself I wasn't perfect

~So there that's it. Civil or other direction that's my apology. That's the truth.

Sure enough after SIX MONTHS, she finally says the things I wanted to hear so long ago. This is the first time she has been nice to me since we broke up.

My impulsive reaction is to let her back into my life if it were to develop into that.

However I fear that the real motives are one of these situations:

-She lost her job and cannot support herself anymore.

-She finally found out that I will be getting the whole security deposit (I paid for the whole thing and paid entire 1st month's rent) and she realizes she needs help to pay both the security deposit and her very first full rent payment for the apartment.

-She cut ties with the people she was cheating on me with and wants to recycle me.

Amazingly this all comes at my most vulnerable time in recent history, so I don't trust my own judgement.

[arjay]

... . "~But that's all I wanted to say so I hope you cam forgive me and we can maybe be civil at some point or even if we go sep. ways I just wanted you to know that"... .

Greetings.  You received something that most of us never did and never would: An apology and closure.  Why not take it at face value?  Why go down the path of "what is she really thinking?", "what does she really mean by this?", "what is her real motive?".  Isn't that what she has done and what we all have experienced?

My friend it sounds like you have what you need to move on.  Six months sober and you consider going back for "just a drink"?  You needn't even respond because you have what you need to move on.  There are times when we waver and I know we all did.  Once the inertia of change has been overcome, it is really easier to keep moving than to stop and start over again.  That sounds like the road you will travel if you don't stay vigilant, read/post here and realize where you have been. Hundreds here have been in your shoes and we all are pulling for you.

Peace to you... .

[christoff522]

Firstly you haven't lost emotional distance, you're here posting.

What has happened is something internally you've been long hoping and waiting for, and as such you are totally confused.

What I suggest is you leave any replies, communication for a day or two, theres no rush to reply. Just let yourself calm down. If you've been doing lots of No Contact you have no obligation to break it. This is most likely some serious charming as you suspect.

Ask yourself if you want all that hassle again.

Ask yourself if you can cope with the pain.

Check how she may know how vulnerable you are, have you been posting on facebook? Is there any way she could be observing you or keeping tabs on you?

I would personally not break NC, and I know how hard that will be for you. But remember that YOU KNOW YOU'RE VULNERABLE. If thats the case, stay away from her.

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't trust my own judgement.  You trusted it enough to come here and ask for ours, instead of respond to her, so good for you!

However I fear that the real motives are one of these situations:

If she is indeed a BPD sufferer, the details aren't important, other than she's in a place where she needs soothing and is feeling abandoned, so she's reaching out to potential attachments to see if an attachment is still there; it's all about her and her needs, per usual.  And in an attempt at self-soothing and in a moment of lucidity and clarity, she's getting real and honest, maybe, telling you what she thinks you want to here, maybe, or maybe both, but it isn't clean, there's an agenda there to see if there are any hooks still in you.  I'm speaking from my experience, the same thing happened with us, and a way to look at it is remember how it really was in the relationship, now that you've got some distance; was it the relationship of your dreams or closer to a nightmare?  Whatever it was it will be exactly the same at it's best if you get back together, and mostly be much, much worse, common after a recycle.  Again my experience, apply as needed, and take care of you!

[AwakenedOne]

~I cheated because I had really bad self esteem and I didn't feel like I deserved a good guy.

~And I lied because I couldn't admit to myself I wasn't perfect

drxap,

Those two lines of hers sound like huge BS to me. I'm no expert on anything but I think it's just words she put together to hook you. Be careful. Good luck  

AO

[lionheart872]

Stick with the NC... . It is only a manipulation to get another toe hold into ... . Remember, they view us as "objects" and opportunities... . They suck you in emotionally,then tear you up again, with more lies... . They are incable of telling the truth... .

[drxap]

Check how she may know how vulnerable you are, have you been posting on facebook? Is there any way she could be observing you or keeping tabs on you?

The only way she could possibly know I'm vulnerable is from what I posted on these boards yesterday. I don't think there is any way she could know about me on here... . But it is frightening to think that she might.

Six months sober and you consider going back for "just a drink"?  You needn't even respond because you have what you need to move on.

That's a good point. This is the only time we've been apart though, so don't have any experiences that tell me that things would get bad again. What if she can change? If it did all cycle back to ___, I'm not certain I could handle it, not right now at least. This just seems way to good to be true.

I think for sure I'm going to wait until I'm in a better place to let things develop, IF I decide to let that happen. There are no hooks and she can't force me to do anything, I have choices and I have to think about me.

[wannago]

   MANIPULATION ALERT!

I can only tell you one thing: Whatever you do, do NOT respond!

This absolutely has manipulation and danger written all over it.

Ask yourself:

If she is a BP, why the heck would she suddenly be writing you?

What does she want to OFFER you?

And what could she WANT from you?

(You already listed a few very plausible options).

And most importantly:

What is so important, that it´s worth even THINKING about breaking NC for?

Her undying "love"?

Her "loyalty"?

A "committed", "healthy" relationship?

The mindblowing sex - (while you think about all the other guys she´s boinked while you were together, let alone after you split up)?

Please ask yourself if you wanna start the healing process all over, just because you "Just wanna take a peek under the band aid"... .

Please, please respect yourself enough to keep NC and NOT go there!

I send you peace and strength! 

[christoff522]

Check how she may know how vulnerable you are, have you been posting on facebook? Is there any way she could be observing you or keeping tabs on you?

The only way she could possibly know I'm vulnerable is from what I posted on these boards yesterday. I don't think there is any way she could know about me on here... . But it is frightening to think that she might.

Well, assume she doesn't know and that its just a coincidence. I remember I used to joke that me and my exBPD had some kind of link, as she would literally text me just as I was texting her sometimes. But its possible she may be 'judging' your behaviour from social networking sites. Shes likely got fake profiles somewhere, recently I've been getting friend requests from suspicious profiles.

You don't have to spell it out word for word how you're feeling, these folks are experts on us, they spent a long time doing nothing but studying us. If I were you, just to be on the safe side, take some time off social networking sites, deactivate. Change your number, and don't look back. Take some time to ask yourself why you feel this way and don't be afraid to confront yourself.

I've been NC (kind of) for about a month, obviously it wasn't by choice because I was discarded. Now this girl was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life... WAS. We delude ourselves, we become so desperate and needy that they see it and latch onto us, then begins a war for our souls, our self respect, our hopes and our dreams. They suck us dry. Then when they see no more use for us they send us a text ditching us, or just vanish. Why would it change this time?

We don't deserve their evil ways, we deserve to be truly loved. Your number one priority *should* be YOUR confidence and self esteem - not hers. But if it was her way your number one priority would be HER. Do not deny and sacrifice yourself for someone who for all intents and purposes hates you.

Like I say, my exBPD was my dream girl, she was perfect... but nobody is perfect! But I bet you felt about her like I felt about my girl. You've gone a very long time, and all this emotion has come back, but honestly... delete the texts, delete her number, and have a bit of a mope about. You will get through it, all our emotions jump about. I have my exBPD following me on one music related site, and today I clicked follow on her profile. I think one thing that develops over time is a healthy detachment. Knowing that this girl is a train wreck is an invitation for you to say hey 'im better than that', do you want to jump on a train thats going to crash into a big thick concrete wall and kill everyone onboard? Thats what she will do to you! Thats what mine would do to me. The true her is a vicious beast, not a sweet demure little girl. Shes like that demon out of the ring in reality. Fear her, run, run away... be gone from her!

Eventually, you may - MAY be able to cope with limited contact, but for now, escape... recoup. Understand what NC is... . absence makes the heart grow colder. Why? because neither of you, you and her, love each other. its need, desire, desperation, addiction, obsession. Its not love... love is action not just feeling!

[cosmonaut]

Maybe it's manipulation, but maybe it's real.  We can't know for certain.  I will say that I would love to get some closure from my ex like that.  I think she has, in a way, given you a gift.

While wary of any recycle attempt, maybe an acknowledgement that you appreciate the apology and it helped you have some needed closure might be an appropriate response.

How are you leaning towards responding (or not)?  What does your gut say?