I'm doing well, she split me black. How does she feel hearing that I'm well?

[Iamdizzy]

It's been a while since I've posted on here. I've actually been doing good. A lot more happy days but I still get the eventual day in which I do think about the relationship I had with my exBPD. I still, as much as I understand the reality of it and come to terms with this crazy two way dance we shared. However, somedays it's still so perplexing and it just gets the deepest nerve of my curiosity as to how someone could never contact you again. Granted, I wouldn't welcome and reciprocate any contact but putting BPD aside, everyone I know has checked in or contacted an ex and vice versa just to see what they're up to, human curiosity.

I recently got a promotion at my job which is a huge deal for me and we have mutual friends. I feel weak in saying this but it has come to my mind, did she find out? How would a pwBPD feel hearing that a person whom they've split black is doing well?

Don't get me wrong, I'm detaching. I'm facing the reality of it. I guess posting on here is my alternative of checking up on her (which I haven't). I focus my attention on something else in times that I feel weak. It's just a curiosity I have, I've had several of my exes congratulate me but my BPDex... . Nothing. 

[cosmonaut]

I know exactly where you are coming from, Iamdizzy.  My ex left and has been as silent as the grave ever since too.  The only contact we have had was after I called to reach out and she texted back to never contact her again.  Not a word otherwise.

It's been hard processing everything.  I still ruminate about her.  I still miss her.  I have times when I am very angry with her too.  These days mostly I feel very sad about everything.  I am starting to come to grips with the fact that our relationship wasn't at all what I had thought it was.  That my ex never really loved me - at least not in any way that I thought she did.

Don't be hard on yourself.  We are all working on detaching here, and it's a hard road - and a long one.  Give yourself permission to miss your ex, to think about her, to wonder about what she's doing and how she is.  As you said, those are very natural feelings after a break-up, and they are all the more powerful given the super loaded bond formed in a BPD relationship.  I don't think this makes you weak at all.  It makes you human.

Be good to yourself.  Nurture you.  You've been through a terrible ordeal and you are now healing.  Give it some time.   

[AwakenedOne]

It's just a curiosity I have, I've had several of my exes congratulate me but my BPDex... . Nothing.  

Yeah the key thing is the BPD. My ex tossed me in the trash 9 months ago. No checkups from her.

How would a pwBPD feel hearing that a person whom they've split black is doing well?

That's a hard one. I'll try to look at it as how my ex would feel if it was me --> She would be jealous and angry and possibly would try to recycle me to get some of my money since I'm doing well.

[expos]

How would a pwBPD feel hearing that a person whom they've split black is doing well?

I would like to say, that the more volatile the relationship, the more likely you are to keeping tabs on the person who hurt/loved you.

I look back at a few of my short term relationships that were not hurtful.  I was able to move on and detach and get out there and date again.  After every bad break up I've had, it has taken me awhile to recover emotionally and not try to compare every girl to the old one who hurt me.

Just a quick story.  I caught my ex-BPD wife complaining to her mom about an old ex who got some job as a museum curator in their local paper.  She seemed to be jealous of him.  This ex blew off my wife and her advances.  Why she was so hurt by this guy who was so far in her past I'll never understand. 

But the above says it all.  They are deeply insecure and are very effected by rejection - which leads to a lot of self-loathing.  That's why you see some of them recycling, because they are looking to get validated and feel "good" again.  In order to recycle they must think about you to even make that happen.

But as to your question - they are full of jealously due to their insecurity.  So no, they don't want you to do well because they are controlling and they don't think you deserve it. 

 

[antjs]

It's been a while since I've posted on here. I've actually been doing good. A lot more happy days but I still get the eventual day in which I do think about the relationship I had with my exBPD. I still, as much as I understand the reality of it and come to terms with this crazy two way dance we shared. However, somedays it's still so perplexing and it just gets the deepest nerve of my curiosity as to how someone could never contact you again. Granted, I wouldn't welcome and reciprocate any contact but putting BPD aside, everyone I know has checked in or contacted an ex and vice versa just to see what they're up to, human curiosity.

I recently got a promotion at my job which is a huge deal for me and we have mutual friends. I feel weak in saying this but it has come to my mind, did she find out? How would a pwBPD feel hearing that a person whom they've split black is doing well?

Don't get me wrong, I'm detaching. I'm facing the reality of it. I guess posting on here is my alternative of checking up on her (which I haven't). I focus my attention on something else in times that I feel weak. It's just a curiosity I have, I've had several of my exes congratulate me but my BPDex... . Nothing. 

Iamdizzy first of all congratulations for your promotion please dont forget that most BPD people have narcissistic tendencies too. Life is always about them. Life is a game that I should win and people are just objects to use just to get my satisfaction or dissociation from my agony and pain that i fear to face because i can not process such feelings because my emotional maturity ceased when i was 5 or 6 years old. She will not care to know any news about you except when she needs you back. She will not need you back except when there are no replacements now or her life is boring and she needs some validation and someone to worship her so that she would feel better about her insecurities and to escape the pain and thoughts rushing through her mind. BPDs are different from normal people when it comes to feelings (specially negative ones) they avoid them until it accumulates and are not tolerable and thats when they find a new rush in their life like a partner. To sum it up, with a BPD IT IS NEVER ABOUT YOU. even if they are trying to contact or recycle you it is about them. They would do, lie, manipulate anything to get what they want out of you. 

[Iamdizzy]

I appreciate the feedback, thank you.

I will say this, I know it's always about them because when I was with her, it WAS always about her. My needs, problems, were only superficially met/talked about. I  had to put it on the back burner.

It's just so perplexing to me,  this bout of  curiosity.  As much as improved and detached,  it just  intrigues mete whole "not  a single  peep from her". I also wonder, because we have mutual friends, if she would initiate any contact because she might hear about my promotion and I really wouldn't want that. It would make me overthink tremendously  despite the fact that it's for her own needs.

[expos]

To sum it up, with a BPD IT IS NEVER ABOUT YOU. even if they are trying to contact or recycle you it is about them. They would do, lie, manipulate anything to get what they want out of you. 

Precisely.  This is why they fail at all of their relationships.  Look at this board as proof of what everyone has gone through.  It's all the same story of us giving giving giving giving and them taking all of it and making YOU feel bad in the process.  They don't really give a crap about you - and if it is - it's self serving.  

[expos]

I also wonder, because we have mutual friends, if she would initiate any contact because she might hear about my promotion and I really wouldn't want that. It would make me overthink tremendously  despite the fact that it's for her own needs.

What you want is for her to validate you.  Probably, out of all the relationships you had, she's the only one who couldn't do that for you and it's driving you mad.  I'm the same way.  No matter what I did, and I did A LOT, it just wasn't ever enough for my ex.  At the end, she had the nerve to say "It just wasn't right".   I felt like saying "no, YOU'RE NOT RIGHT, you're crazy."

These people scar you.  This why you are here now.  Realize that she is the problem, not you.  You are the problem when you let someone who is mental get to you. 

[antjs]

I also wonder, because we have mutual friends, if she would initiate any contact because she might hear about my promotion and I really wouldn't want that. It would make me overthink tremendously  despite the fact that it's for her own needs.

What you want is for her to validate you.  Probably, out of all the relationships you had, she's the only one who couldn't do that for you and it's driving you mad.  I'm the same way.  No matter what I did, and I did A LOT, it just wasn't ever enough for my ex.  At the end, she had the nerve to say "It just wasn't right".   I felt like saying "no, YOU'RE NOT RIGHT, you're crazy."

These people scar you.  This why you are here now.  Realize that she is the problem, not you.  You are the problem when you let someone who is mental get to you. 

I agree with you. Validation can be killing during the healing process. Probably, you can validate yourself. you can see how good you are and the biggest proof is the step that you have just taken in your career life. You can be happy for yourself because of this achievement yet you delusion ally feel that you will not be happy unless he or she approves of such a thing. and about doing a lot for them and still they think that you are wrong and they are right and you are to be blamed. THEY WILL NOT TAKE ANY BLAME. my ex was nuts about me during the idealization phase. she made me her white knight, praised me, looked to me with attentive eyes, made me move in with her after only one week, said "i can't live without you" "you are god's gift to me" " you are my only source of happiness" and then during the break up she said that i expected a lot out of this and when i asked her what was her expectations she said "i expected nothing." :D really ! IF ALZHEIMERS PEOPLE HAVE THE MEMORY OF A STARFISH LET ME TELL YOU THAT BPD PEOPLE HAVE THE FEELINGS OF A STARFISH. IT IS ALL ABOUT WHAT I AM FEELING RIGHT NOW. IT IS EITHER BLACK OR WHITE. I DONT RECALL MY FEELINGS ONE HOUR AGO.

[christoff522]

It's been a while since I've posted on here. I've actually been doing good. A lot more happy days but I still get the eventual day in which I do think about the relationship I had with my exBPD. I still, as much as I understand the reality of it and come to terms with this crazy two way dance we shared. However, somedays it's still so perplexing and it just gets the deepest nerve of my curiosity as to how someone could never contact you again. Granted, I wouldn't welcome and reciprocate any contact but putting BPD aside, everyone I know has checked in or contacted an ex and vice versa just to see what they're up to, human curiosity.

This is something that bothers me. Its that deep dehumanising element to the PD. You are nothing to them, a tool, an object. How they can simply ignore you (for instance we would skype for 16 hours a day sometimes) after all the time we talked and all the times she said she loved me, made the effort to visit me at work, even sang songs for me. its crazy, I was everything she ever wanted, her white knight, her one true love. and then... boom, its over.

I recently got a promotion at my job which is a huge deal for me and we have mutual friends. I feel weak in saying this but it has come to my mind, did she find out? How would a pwBPD feel hearing that a person whom they've split black is doing well?

Angry more than likely. mine found out i went on a date... she didn't contact me, she just got back with her ex

Don't get me wrong, I'm detaching. I'm facing the reality of it. I guess posting on here is my alternative of checking up on her (which I haven't). I focus my attention on something else in times that I feel weak. It's just a curiosity I have, I've had several of my exes congratulate me but my BPDex... . Nothing. 

This is a healthy outlet. I've decided to avoid my final port of contact with her for a while. Concentrate on recovery and confidence. I one day want nothing more than to be able to look her in the face and feel indifference.  Yeah she won't contact you, you're a threat to her, mentally, you trigger her, her resentment, her anger, her rage towards men. She will see this perhaps as a slight to her and her control over you. Potentially she'll feel inadequate. But hopefully, it will mean that she feels you're out of her reach. If you really want to maintain NC, it may help. She's going to be less likely to attack a well fed, well armed military force as opposed to a weak and starving army with only sticks and stones as weapons.

In looking at your new position, you are obviously happy, feeling confident, and are having a self-esteem boost. Its probable that feeling these emotions is bring up some old FOG, perhaps a sense that you shouldn't be feeling this without your ex to validate. I know that everything I do at the moment, even my very thoughts are clogged up with thoughts about her.

[Iamdizzy]

I suppose there is some sort of lingering validation that I need. And that's ok.  For a long time I beat myself up trying to deny that.

I, like so many on here, were left with no closure. I actually got a "well dizzy, I have my issues not my fault you got hurt". I just would like to know if I can cause any sort of emotional response in her, a "damn hes actually doing well". i guess to me, doing well for myself will be the best closure one could get after a relationship with a pwBPD. Don't get me wrong, whatever I have accomplished after her is not because I need to some how show off to her. She's not my motivation but it would be a great perk if she hears about it.

I mean c'mon we all somehow want our enemies, exes, those annoying family members we dislike to see us do good. It's normal.

After being on here for quite a while and just finally moving forward, some sort of feeling still lingers. Not love nor hate but rather an incomplete thing, like something is missing. I could only hope someone would relate to me when I say, that I'm in a happy place right now, I've gone out on many dates (first few were rough but now I'm seeing a girl) but there's still something in me as a rational adult (and this is where I go wrong) that would want to tell her I stayed, I allowed myself to be treated like that and it's wrong of me. I forgave myself. You no longer could make me feel that way and you don't have the right to do that to me any longer.

[Iamdizzy]

I had so much to say to her when we broke up. All the raw and powerful emotions that I needed to vent out to her were all bottled up. No matter who I spoke to it about, it didn't help as much because I wouldn't be telling HER how I felt . But I figured there's no point, we will go back and forth in an endless chaotic loop. Thankfully, that yearning to get closure dissipated largely in part by time, friends, self evaluation, and enjoying life!

[christoff522]

I suppose there is some sort of lingering validation that I need. And that's ok.  For a long time I beat myself up trying to deny that.

I, like so many on here, were left with no closure. I actually got a "well dizzy, I have my issues not my fault you got hurt". I just would like to know if I can cause any sort of emotional response in her, a "damn hes actually doing well". i guess to me, doing well for myself will be the best closure one could get after a relationship with a pwBPD. Don't get me wrong, whatever I have accomplished after her is not because I need to some how show off to her. She's not my motivation but it would be a great perk if she hears about it.

I mean c'mon we all somehow want our enemies, exes, those annoying family members we dislike to see us do good. It's normal.

After being on here for quite a while and just finally moving forward, some sort of feeling still lingers. Not love nor hate but rather an incomplete thing, like something is missing. I could only hope someone would relate to me when I say, that I'm in a happy place right now, I've gone out on many dates (first few were rough but now I'm seeing a girl) but there's still something in me as a rational adult (and this is where I go wrong) that would want to tell her I stayed, I allowed myself to be treated like that and it's wrong of me. I forgave myself. You no longer could make me feel that way and you don't have the right to do that to me any longer.

I know what you're saying. I got "Hay look, I've been talking with people and  I'm too young, I don't need this, I'm better off on my own, I need to enjoy myself, look after yourself x"

2 weeks later I find out shes back with her ex. All this when she was telling me age is but a number, I'm all that she wants, and she loves me two days before.

That to me was no closure, I was dependent on her and she just flippantly messages me like that after hour upon hour of silence. BUT, I'm glad she's gone. It still hurts a month later, but I keep hoping she regrets it all. Either way though, theres nothing we can do but build up our walls and defend ourself from another attack. Or somehow learn to take it less seriously.

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

Im in the same boat. Not even three days after she left me, i got an email for acceptance into my dream graduate program that Ive been working for years to get into, and graduated, and have generally been very well, while she had initially tried to paint me black. She texted me on graduation day and wished me well, im wondering if shes rethinking her mistakes

[Banshee]

This is an example of what your talking but kinda in reverse.

We were together at the time and my home was broken into and trashed... I called him up crying, the police was at my house and was scared to stay at home that night alone.

After the police left I text him about how awful the house looked... his response?

Him : My house is looking so good since i started painting... I got all the yard work done,boat in the shop... it's really coming together nicely.

I WAS STUNNED   If pwBPD can say this while they are with you,knowing your having a hard time... can you imagine what they think when you're doing well and not seeing you anymore... . it's just a really sad fact.

[Iamdizzy]

I agree, that's something that I've learned from the beginning. There is no closure, our best bet is to forgive and improve ourselves.

When I got my job promotion, I was obviously overwhelmed but after the initial high, she popped into my mind. Would she contact me? I hope not, why would she? Would she find out? What would be her reaction?

Whatever the case may be, it's no good. No contact is the best thing they can do.