Advice sought

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

HI all,

Thank you for this forum. I'd appreciate some help and advice in my situation.

I have been with my BPD gf for a year or so now. She's 31 and now back in San Fran. I am 47. We moved in together after a few months at my place and then I began to realize something was not right. She was raging at me for little or no reason, telling me I didn't love her no matter what I did or how strongly I did etc etc. She went back to SFO.

By last fall I insisted she get therapy or I was out. She did and has been doing PTSD related depth therapy every week since, with EMDR. She has been doing therapy for nearly 6 months now.

I have not been replaced, although once when we broke up she went off with someone on a trip but it remained platonic. (She did that after I set a clear firm boundary) As soon as I came back into her life I found out she was single not involved with anyone and within 48 hours she wanted me back. I resisted for several weeks but after 2 months or so gave in. We have only broken up twice + a half... .

Her main symptoms are unstable emotions/irrationality when dysregulating, lots of anger, self harm, high reactivity, lack of empathy, some dishonesty (esp. when feeling she will get in trouble), little sense of self = going with what is put in front of her (some impulsivity), raging or abusing me (which she is slowly gradually recognizing) and extreme fear of abandonment, as well as a pattern of serial monongamy of one 3 - 4 month relationship after another. So at a year, maybe I am doing good - joke!

I am genuinely proud of her for doing the therapy and she has also got a good doctor now, so more progress is possible. Since I committed to her she has been doing the therapy without quitting (before me it was one session and bye!), got decent health care sorted and so forth. She is still financially very poor though.

However, this has all take a pretty terrible toil on my health and my dreams as 97% of our conversations are about her. It takes up so much of my energy. I don't resent it but her lack of consideration for my feelings drains me. But I do love her.

On the one hand I don't want to leave as she is in therapy, we are seeing some much better behavior and BPD's in treatment can get better, but on the other not sure how much more I can take. My health needs to get back on track, and ironically hers has a chance to now because of me.

Any advice would be sincerely appreciated.

[AimingforMastery]

HI all,

Thank you for this forum. I'd appreciate some help and advice in my situation.

I have been with my BPD gf for a year or so now. She's 31 and now back in San Fran. I am 47. We moved in together after a few months at my place and then I began to realize something was not right. She was raging at me for little or no reason, telling me I didn't love her no matter what I did or how strongly I did etc etc. She went back to SFO.

By last fall I insisted she get therapy or I was out. She did and has been doing PTSD related depth therapy every week since, with EMDR. She has been doing therapy for nearly 6 months now.

I have not been replaced, although once when we broke up she went off with someone on a trip but it remained platonic. (She did that after I set a clear firm boundary) As soon as I came back into her life I found out she was single not involved with anyone and within 48 hours she wanted me back. I resisted for several weeks but after 2 months or so gave in. We have only broken up twice + a half... .

Her main symptoms are unstable emotions/irrationality when dysregulating, lots of anger, self harm, high reactivity, lack of empathy, some dishonesty (esp. when feeling she will get in trouble), little sense of self = going with what is put in front of her (some impulsivity), raging or abusing me (which she is slowly gradually recognizing) and extreme fear of abandonment, as well as a pattern of serial monongamy of one 3 - 4 month relationship after another. So at a year, maybe I am doing good - joke!

I am genuinely proud of her for doing the therapy and she has also got a good doctor now, so more progress is possible. Since I committed to her she has been doing the therapy without quitting (before me it was one session and bye!), got decent health care sorted and so forth. She is still financially very poor though.

However, this has all take a pretty terrible toil on my health and my dreams as 97% of our conversations are about her. It takes up so much of my energy. I don't resent it but her lack of consideration for my feelings drains me. But I do love her.

On the one hand I don't want to leave as she is in therapy, we are seeing some much better behavior and BPD's in treatment can get better, but on the other not sure how much more I can take. My health needs to get back on track, and ironically hers has a chance to now because of me.

Any advice would be sincerely appreciated.

[Cloudy Days]

Honestly, if you are only staying because it benefits her you probably should not be staying. If you are unhappy with how things are at the moment, you will never be happy with how things are. They can improve but at some point you are dealing with her natural personality. She is going to be a self absorbed person her entire life. A good question you should ask yourself is what do you get out of the relationship? If it is only to support her and take care of her those are codependent red flags and you should look at why you are considering being unhappy just so she can be somewhat happy.

I know the struggle you are going through, it's not easy to walk away from someone who benefits from having you in their life. It's a hard choice, but choose what is best for you.

[AimingforMastery]

Thank you I appreciate your reply.

It is a good question that I have looked at and part of my truth is I find this stuff a lot more interesting that many things. But I suppose that is like saying I find being hurt interesting... .

Nevertheless the good times can be very good, but they are few.

[antjs]

HI all,

Thank you for this forum. I'd appreciate some help and advice in my situation.

I have been with my BPD gf for a year or so now. She's 31 and now back in San Fran. I am 47. We moved in together after a few months at my place and then I began to realize something was not right. She was raging at me for little or no reason, telling me I didn't love her no matter what I did or how strongly I did etc etc. She went back to SFO.

By last fall I insisted she get therapy or I was out. She did and has been doing PTSD related depth therapy every week since, with EMDR. She has been doing therapy for nearly 6 months now.

I have not been replaced, although once when we broke up she went off with someone on a trip but it remained platonic. (She did that after I set a clear firm boundary) As soon as I came back into her life I found out she was single not involved with anyone and within 48 hours she wanted me back. I resisted for several weeks but after 2 months or so gave in. We have only broken up twice + a half... .

Her main symptoms are unstable emotions/irrationality when dysregulating, lots of anger, self harm, high reactivity, lack of empathy, some dishonesty (esp. when feeling she will get in trouble), little sense of self = going with what is put in front of her (some impulsivity), raging or abusing me (which she is slowly gradually recognizing) and extreme fear of abandonment, as well as a pattern of serial monongamy of one 3 - 4 month relationship after another. So at a year, maybe I am doing good - joke!

I am genuinely proud of her for doing the therapy and she has also got a good doctor now, so more progress is possible. Since I committed to her she has been doing the therapy without quitting (before me it was one session and bye!), got decent health care sorted and so forth. She is still financially very poor though.

However, this has all take a pretty terrible toil on my health and my dreams as 97% of our conversations are about her. It takes up so much of my energy. I don't resent it but her lack of consideration for my feelings drains me. But I do love her.

On the one hand I don't want to leave as she is in therapy, we are seeing some much better behavior and BPD's in treatment can get better, but on the other not sure how much more I can take. My health needs to get back on track, and ironically hers has a chance to now because of me.

Any advice would be sincerely appreciated.

two questions to ask yourself

did she get in therapy by herself and for her own sake ? for you ?

are you happy with the PROGRESS ? not where she is now but how good she is progressing

[AimingforMastery]

Good questions, thank you:

Answers:-

1.    She got in it for me to begin with but now she sees she has real issues and wants to say in San Fran rather than come to be with me to keep doing the therapy and even wants to go twice a week. Also she changed from the therapists I had seen to wone she wanted and started paying more with no help from me. I think it's a real commitment.

2.   Progress... . Hmmn. She is making some, seems to be more honest and faithful emotionally. Less push and pull. But still way reactive and borderline abusive to me (no pun intended). So on say two key issues, progress on the first and on the second - still not substantial consideration of the other's needs/feelings & being pleasant to me.

That being said I know she was abused/ traumatized (PTSD II) and they are only beginning to tackle that. It takes time for trust to be built with therapist especially with stuff that no one else has ever tackled with her. Her past attitude was not ever going to talk about those events ever.

Now she is finding ways to talk about it and have different feelings around it. I am proud of her for that, but I HATE being beaten up so often.

Is this real progress?

[antjs]

Good questions, thank you:

Answers:-

1.    She got in it for me to begin with but now she sees she has real issues and wants to say in San Fran rather than come to be with me to keep doing the therapy and even wants to go twice a week. Also she changed from the therapists I had seen to wone she wanted and started paying more with no help from me. I think it's a real commitment.

2.   Progress... . Hmmn. She is making some, seems to be more honest and faithful emotionally. Less push and pull. But still way reactive and borderline abusive to me (no pun intended). So on say two key issues, progress on the first and on the second - still not substantial consideration of the other's needs/feelings & being pleasant to me.

That being said I know she was abused/ traumatized (PTSD II) and they are only beginning to tackle that. It takes time for trust to be built with therapist especially with stuff that no one else has ever tackled with her. Her past attitude was not ever going to talk about those events ever.

Now she is finding ways to talk about it and have different feelings around it. I am proud of her for that, but I HATE being beaten up so often.

Is this real progress?

It depends on the time she has been in therapy. only her therapist can answer the progress question.