Comparing te ex

[thelword]

Hey, I've been lurking on the boards for a while and need some advice. I'm a 26 year old woman, I dated a woman for almost 3 years that was clinically diagnosed with BPD.

My story is textbook, and she was even in therapy for 1 1/2 years and didn't get better. It was long distance, I rarely saw her, mostly was through texting near the end of the relationship. We kept planning to move in together but I called it off each time after she'd have a crazy episode. Split more times than I can count, once for 3 months (No contact too). She came back, swore she was so different and therapy had changed her. "She realized what she messed up." Of course after screwing other people, while I was too heartbroken to think about that.

About a month later, she was beating me up and putting my car in park while I was driving. I had to pull over, have someone call the cops. She ended up manipulating me to leave before the cops came. I forgave her (sort of) after this and she told me she was just drunk and didn't remember anything, etc. Oh she also smashed my phone that night and paid me $600 for it. I fell for the same crap but this time I wasn't invested much. We saw each other maybe twice in 5 months after (only 3 hours away too).

She went on a vacation with ''just her daughter". Well, she sent me a picture from the passenger's side of her car... . Her daughter wasn't driving as she is 8. Also barely contacted through the whole vacation. So I called it off due to more lies, cheating, and her lying about who she went on vacation with (the new victim I'm sure).

It's been about 1 1/2 months no contact. I'm actually surprised she hasn't contacted me. Her number/e-mail/social media is blocked but in the past she found ways to still message me on my phone.

I feel slightly relieved. I am even talking to people again. I know it would seem soon but I have been detaching since the physical abuse, so like 6 months.

The problem: Every woman I talk to is not up to par. I feel like such a shallow person and I know looks fade. But my ex BPD was physically my dream girl and I thought mentally, too. If it weren't for the crazy aspects, she would've been. I feel like no one understands me and I can't connect with anyone new, not even on a friend level. They don't hold my interest. I know I'm also very guarded. Has anyone else experienced comparisons? How can I stop this thinking?

[Cardinals in Flight]

I totally understand!  I thought my XpwBPDgf was the total package, in many ways she still is.

Intelligent, funny, can build anything, do anything, marathon/triathlete and beautiful too!  But? She is empty inside, I fell in love with a fantasy, not sustainable!

I'm sorry you're hurting, I hurt too, but I promise it fades with time.  Also? We can't compare every future woman to our Xs, it really isn't fair, I do it too.

CiF

[LettingGo14]

The problem: Every woman I talk to is not up to par. I feel like such a shallow person and I know looks fade. But my ex BPD was physically my dream girl and I thought mentally, too. If it weren't for the crazy aspects, she would've been. I feel like no one understands me and I can't connect with anyone new, not even on a friend level. They don't hold my interest. I know I'm also very guarded. Has anyone else experienced comparisons? How can I stop this thinking?

I think what you are experiencing is shared by many people here, including me.   Here is what has helped me.

In the past couple of months, I have consciously made the decision to "own" everything I have ever felt -- the full spectrum, from "soul mate love" to "bitter disappointment" to "shattered heart."

What I am learning is that everything I "felt" -- love or anger -- came from WITHIN me.  In fact, I had a shocking experience in a meditation class where I "recreated" the intense & amazing & seemingly gone "love" I had for my ex-girlfriend.   When I say "recreated" I mean that I had the epiphany that the "love" existed within me and never left.

I'm a student of zen, and not an expert.   But, with meditation and reflection, I am realizing that all emotion comes from WITHIN.   Knowing this, I can no longer seek affirmation or validation from outside of me.   This has helped end all comparisons.   It has helped me stop searching the landscape outside of me.

Does that make sense?

[BacknthSaddle]

The problem: Every woman I talk to is not up to par. I feel like such a shallow person and I know looks fade. But my ex BPD was physically my dream girl and I thought mentally, too. If it weren't for the crazy aspects, she would've been. I feel like no one understands me and I can't connect with anyone new, not even on a friend level. They don't hold my interest. I know I'm also very guarded. Has anyone else experienced comparisons? How can I stop this thinking?

I think it's safe to say that virtually everyone here has experienced this to some degree.  I would offer that the first step to healing is looking inward and asking yourself how on earth you could want someone who treated you this way, what it says about you and how you feel about yourself, and about why you are attracted to such a person.  This is something I feel we all struggle with.  I also found myself saying "she would be perfect if she weren't crazy" which was another way of saying "all I have to do is repair the craziness in her and then she'll be perfect."  Which led me to realize that there was an element of this that was a project for me, which led me to realize that I had felt this way before, which led me to wonder why I would be interested in "fixer-upper" relationships rather than with relationships with fully-formed people. Etc.  This led me to realize two things:

1) The characteristics I wanted to fix in her were part of who she is as a person, not something that could be fixed.  This led me to realize how far from perfect she actually was, and this was liberating.

2) I am attracted to instability but I want peace, and I have to get to the root of these attractions if I'm going to live a healthier life. 

Start by asking hard questions about yourself.  You will ultimately realize that this wasn't the person for you, but rather she was someone from whom you thought you could mold a fantasy person.  When you can see her outside the fantasy, you will be well on the road to healing. 

[willy45]

I do the same thing. The thought of 'if only she wasn't crazy' runs through my head. The thing is is that we had to split them into good and bad to be with them. The only way to have stayed was to accept that the bad behavior was our fault. Thus, they remain 'good' in our minds. And this is what we miss. This is also called 'denial'. We were deeply in denial with them and when you start thinking 'if only she wasn't craft's you are wading deeply back into denial. Truth is, they are crazy. That us the whole person. That doesn't go away. So idealizing them as perfect is just denial. It's ok. It will go away once you get some distance.