Morning death, when will this go away ?

[antjs]

Morning is still like death for me. It feels like a heart attach every morning as soon as i wake up. She is the first thing to be on my mind in the morning. the first seconds would be like "yeah she is gone !" then i grieve. I have been NC for nearly 2 months now. when will this go away ?

[jibber]

If you are feeling like this every morning since two months of NC, i would suggest looking at yourself and finding the reasons why it is so hard for you to let go of this. Please don't take this the wrong way, i completely understand the feeling, it's really really hard to let go of a relationship that leaves us so confused and usually without any real answers or closure.

I tried to break off the relationship since the beginning of this year, including more than one recycle and countless fights, emails, texts, her showing up at my doorstep, etc. I blocked all means of contact now, taking it day by day and hoping it will get easier as time passes. I still think about her daily. It's really hard to let go, but please try to be kind to yourself. 

[Loveofhislife]

Good morning, Antony_James--not sure this is a good guide line, and not sure it applies to our withdrawal from pwBPD, but I once heard it takes about 1/2 the time we were in the relationship to really get over it. I remember waking up in the mornings feeling empty and lethargic. Now--it's the after work, former "happy hour" time that I feel myself getting shaky. Of course, there's the saying "fake it, 'til you make it"--meaning we act "as if" we're recovered from them, until we really are. But we must grieve. You probably know the stages of grieving--I can't wait until I reach acceptance. Until then, I vacillate between anger, denial, and depression. One other tip I was given is use their "idealization" words as a proxy/example for how we talk to and treat ourselves. Hey--it worked for them--that's how they got through to my "inner child." Now, it's my turn to take care of her and make her feel beautiful and wanted and loved. Best of luck; and please keep posting!

[sirensong65]

Listen, Antony... I am right there with you.  His birthday is the 23rd of May and will mark 90 days NC.  We recycled once in February, but the main shatter occurred in November of last year.  Things only went from bad to worse as time went on from that date.

I still obsessively think of him and the relationship.  I see a therapist monthly.  I can now eat and sleep fairly well.  And I don't cry over him anymore but I still feel that deep hurt too.  It is like a death except worse.  Sounds horrible to say but atleast if he died I would never have to see him again or fear running into him and another woman in the near future. In my opinion, losing someone in this way is FAR worse than losing them to death.

I am so lonely for the touch he gave that made me feel so safe and relaxed and loved.  Knowing it was an act is hard to swallow as my love for him was true and very deep.  Though I miss having that bond and intimacy I cannot date or even think of another at this time.  Dating is off the table til I can fully rid myself of these feelings and get the lesson from this.  A LOT of my friends are disgusted with me that I have "held onto these feelings" for so long.  They don't understand why I won't date or have an interest in men in general.  Yet, would they get pissed if my husband died 7 months ago and I couldn't move on?  I doubt it.

Hang on.  That is all we can do.  I will never contact him or go back as I now know I didn't mean a thing to him and it will ALWAYS be the same dance.  This in itself is what makes the grieving process so hard, to learn to accept it is fully done and nothing WE can do will ever change the outcome.

[mywifecrazy]

Think of it this way:

A--------------------------------B

Point A is where you were at when the relationship ended. Point B is you fully healed and recovered. The ----- in between represent the Healing Process. You MUST go through the healing process to fully recover. You must EMBRACE your feelings. It's OK to feel Angry, Hurt, lethargic, depressed, etc. Give yourself a break it's OK and NATURAL to have these feelings (read up on the stages of grief). You MUST go through valley (--------) to get to the other side (B). If you try to rush it or avoid it (----) you will be stuck at point A for a long time and no one wants to remain there. You'll end up a bitter person.

We all (on these boards) know what you're going through. You're not alone. Hang in there it WILL all workout in the end. I remember EXACTLY how you feel. I remember not wanting to get out of bed, being in so much pain that my body hurt, crying uncontrollably at work. I was married with 2 sons (9&14). I was scared for them. It's only been 1 year since I caught my wife in an affair and her sudden departure. I feel SO MUCH BETTER than I did just a short time ago. I feel so much stronger now and I'm currently dealing with her shacking up across the street from me with my neighbor. If I can get through it so can you!

Hang in there!

[antjs]

the relationship lasted from 25th of jan 2014 till 8th of march 2014. There was one recycle during this time. I chased her for couple of days for closure cause both of us were travelling for one month to different destinations but we knew we will be back to the same country one month later. she discarded me as trash and left to the other country for business. i was going to another country looking for a job. It was of course hard for me but by God's grace i found a job. I maintained NC during this month. When we were back i tried to call her but she obviously has  painted me black and was giving me the silent treatment (i enabled her before travelling saying that i would wait for her to be ready to get back to me). I got angry ended up cursing her over text. Last sunday i coincidentally saw her in a coffee shop and we ended acting like strangers and that we dont know each other. she avoided eye contact at all costs. I did not leave the place. I said i will do whatever i am planning to do nobody would make me change my plan. Deeply i wanted her to approach me and i would reject her. that would be a closure for me. to be honest i still look for her walking in the streets, entering places that she might be there. what is driving me crazy is that why would i be so persistent for someone sick who i have spent nearly one month with ? When did the real NC start ? was it last sunday when i saw her ? or was it since i stopped trying to call or text her ? i am lost monitoring my progress in relation of time.

[christoff522]

Morning is still like death for me. It feels like a heart attach every morning as soon as i wake up. She is the first thing to be on my mind in the morning. the first seconds would be like "yeah she is gone !" then i grieve. I have been NC for nearly 2 months now. when will this go away ?

Trust me when I say it WILL go away. We're all going through the same thing.

If you're maintaining no contact... you're essentially grieving, mourning her as if she's dead. Its devastating.

It sounds to me like you were heavily emotionally dependent on her. Do you not believe that she is BPD? If you do, remember that this wasn't a normal relationship, she didn't LOVE you like you loved her. Remember that this would have gotten worse, more painful, more destructive, and she will spread more and more pain and heartache to everyone around her. You are NC, you DONT WANT TO CONTACT HER, YOU DON'T WANT HER IN YOUR LIFE. As pretty, as funny and exciting as she was at one point, inside she was like a foul horrid ugly little troll... .

This is the real her:



Remember that you're grieving and missing the mask... not the real her, however the real her is the one you'd be suffering all your life - well, as long as she bothered with you anyway til she got bored and left you for someone else.

The relationship you wanted is not the one you would have got. You would have been devalued, degraded, and abandoned.

[mywifecrazy]

the relationship lasted from 25th of jan 2014 till 8th of march 2014.

Really? Are you flipping kidding me? I don't mean any disrespect but you had a relationship with her for... . 6 WEEKS! Am I missing something? Is this a misprint?

Again no disrespect intended but if you're that shook up and devastated after 6 WEEKS you need to STOP focusing on her and start looking inward. You should be happy you found out who she really is this early in the game. Read the stories in these boards about people like me who were fooled for 20yrs. The pain your feeling now is nothing compared to what you would feel like if you spent a lifetime with her.

Man up and get on your knees and thank the Good Lord above that you know the truth. Run away from her as fast and as far as you can. YOU WERE GIVEN A GREAT GIFT in finding out about her!

Again I mean no disrespect and I'm not downplaying your pain. I wish you well.

[BorisAcusio]

the relationship lasted from 25th of jan 2014 till 8th of march 2014.

Really? Are you flipping kidding me? I don't mean any disrespect but you had a relationship with her for... . 6 WEEKS! Am I missing something? Is this a misprint?

Again no disrespect intended but if you're that shook up and devastated after 6 WEEKS you need to STOP focusing on her and start looking inward. You should be happy you found out who she really is this early in the game. Read the stories in these boards about people like me who were fooled for 20yrs. The pain your feeling now is nothing compared to what you would feel like if you spent a lifetime with her.

Man up and get on your knees and thank the Good Lord above that you know the truth. Run away from her as fast and as far as you can. YOU WERE GIVEN A GREAT GIFT in finding out about her!

Again I mean no disrespect and I'm not downplaying your pain. I wish you well.

I must agree with mywifecrazy. I used to say that first, you have to understand the disorder, in order to truly move ahead. In this case, you should really focus on yourself.

[antjs]

the relationship lasted from 25th of jan 2014 till 8th of march 2014.

Really? Are you flipping kidding me? I don't mean any disrespect but you had a relationship with her for... . 6 WEEKS! Am I missing something? Is this a misprint?

Again no disrespect intended but if you're that shook up and devastated after 6 WEEKS you need to STOP focusing on her and start looking inward. You should be happy you found out who she really is this early in the game. Read the stories in these boards about people like me who were fooled for 20yrs. The pain your feeling now is nothing compared to what you would feel like if you spent a lifetime with her.

Man up and get on your knees and thank the Good Lord above that you know the truth. Run away from her as fast and as far as you can. YOU WERE GIVEN A GREAT GIFT in finding out about her!

Again I mean no disrespect and I'm not downplaying your pain. I wish you well.

mycrazywife, what you are saying is exactly why i started this topic. I know a lot about the disorder now. I am keeping strict NC. I know it was not my fault all the craziness that did happen. I am in a strong place now information wise and getting better emotionally wise. I am beginning to dig deeper into me now. why i am mourning a relationship of 6 weeks while i have been reading about the agony and pain of people who had pwBPD for 20 and 30 years and have kids

[mywifecrazy]

the relationship lasted from 25th of jan 2014 till 8th of march 2014.

Really? Are you flipping kidding me? I don't mean any disrespect but you had a relationship with her for... . 6 WEEKS! Am I missing something? Is this a misprint?

Again no disrespect intended but if you're that shook up and devastated after 6 WEEKS you need to STOP focusing on her and start looking inward. You should be happy you found out who she really is this early in the game. Read the stories in these boards about people like me who were fooled for 20yrs. The pain your feeling now is nothing compared to what you would feel like if you spent a lifetime with her.

Man up and get on your knees and thank the Good Lord above that you know the truth. Run away from her as fast and as far as you can. YOU WERE GIVEN A GREAT GIFT in finding out about her!

Again I mean no disrespect and I'm not downplaying your pain. I wish you well.

mycrazywife, what you are saying is exactly why i started this topic. I know a lot about the disorder now. I am keeping strict NC. I know it was not my fault all the craziness that did happen. I am in a strong place now information wise and getting better emotionally wise. I am beginning to dig deeper into me now. why i am mourning a relationship of 6 weeks while i have been reading about the agony and pain of people who had pwBPD for 20 and 30 years and have kids

Thanks AJ. I didn't mean to be harsh. I just wanted you to know that it will be OK and to look on the positives of your situation.

Again, all the best to you!

[DontPanic]

I really find the following important to keep in focus:

[corraline]

I believe in time and focusing on yourself to be able to get some health back in all areas of your life will make a difference.  I haven't seen my ex since mid January yet i still think of him quite a bit.  Like, quite a bit I am afraid to say. It's not as all consuming as it was and i am grateful for the progress i am making even if it feels very very small at times.  The best thing I find is not to get too caught up on where you are at cause its really a difficult thing to go thru.  Some people need to take a break from work, their kids, whatever they need to recover.  My ex took care of the kids for a while when it all came to an end.  I needed that space.  Gather the resources and tools you have to take good care of yourself.  Even if its just one thing a day. Allow yourself to go through the stages of detachment and don't punish yourself if it takes a while or you get stuck. I find it healthy to check in with my T to see if I am staying too stuck in an unhealthy pattern, belief, feeling etc and need to shift something. I trust her this way.  It's okay to feel bad at a time like this.  It's a process.