The Upside of BPD

[Ziggiddy]

Finally lifting out of the bewilderment of the last few months I accessed my SOH and began wondering what the silver lining to BPD might be. There were more positives than I expected to find.

Like, when you have a FM or SO with dysfunction you become hyper aware - both of their feelings and your own. Apply this to 'normal' (nonBPD) people and you become very perceptive indeed.

Also, when you deal with a non disordered person, you are pleasantly refreshed when they respond warmly or positively to your needs or requests. Or when they extend to you maturity and understanding without it being a request of having a boundary observed. How very soul soothing to be treated to someone looking out for YOU. And for them to do it first!

You become very aware of your environment hence less at risk!

You become incredibly sympathetic and empathetic to those undergoing the same struggle. This makes you more open minded as to other disorders/mental illnesses/'invisible' conditions.

You are more likely to assert yourself to others who might be in a r'ship with someone with BPD traits. Also more likely to step up if you see a child at risk.

And possibly the best gain is an understanding of yourself that 'ordinary' folk may never be put to the test to find.

From lifting the veil and becoming aware of the disorder you may search your soul and be the most honest with yourself you've ever been in your life.

For me, this discovery has been the greatest move I have ever made towards loving myself. Warts and all.

Congratulations on coming so far to all who are here. I am amazed and touched by the very humanness you display to one another. You treat each other with the same feelings I had always wished were present in my family. It's humbling to see it at work

[BabeRuthless]

Ziggiddy: I began to read this post with skepticism, as I am having a tough day. Could there be an upside? But I appreciate what you're saying. Especially the part about loving ourselves, warts and all... . and giving and receiving here the respect and affection we wanted in our families. 

Earlier today, was asking myself (gently) what felt need am I trying to meet by clinging to my lifelong identity as someone raised by a pwBPD? By overidentifying with my broken parts? Rather than criticizing and shaming the wounded part of me that WANTS to stay injured, can I love this part of me, and have heaploads of compassion for her today? The most important thing I can do this day is love the parts of me that I usually shame myself for. Including the self pity.

Thanks, Ziggiddy. Great post!  

   

[Valley Quail]

Love the list of upsides Ziggiddy... . thank you for giving us a fresh new perspective. So true!

[Ziggiddy]

Ah BabeRuthless,

I am so sorry to hear it's a bad day for you.

Earlier today, was asking myself (gently) what felt need am I trying to meet by clinging to my lifelong identity as someone raised by a pwBPD? By overidentifying with my broken parts? Rather than criticizing and shaming the wounded part of me that WANTS to stay injured, can I love this part of me, and have heaploads of compassion for her today? The most important thing I can do this day is love the parts of me that I usually shame myself for. Including the self pity.    

I also feel for the part of you that wants to hang on to your identity. i mean, that's SO central to our life isn't it? I am frightened half to death by changing even though the avalanche seems to have started and I am tumbled along with it scrabbling around for the parts of me that I am so desperate to save. I am trying to learn to say it's ok. Every single damn time I come across that critical voice "Oh you silly girl - remember when you fancied that guy and you rang him a zillion times till he got sick of you? What the hell? you must be - " It's ok. I was doing the best I could with what I had. If I'd had more I would have done better. But I didn't. And that's ok.

"But then you said this to that friend and hurt her so much she never spoke to you again. How cruel. how unkind!" I am not unkind I'm not cruel. I made a mistake. It's ok. had she been a more tolerant friend she might have forgiven me when I said I'm sorry. It's ok. I did the very best I could.

I want a new identity but I am so scared of the surrender it'll take. But that's ok!

Thanks for your reply and your honesty. I confess my heart went to my throat when you said you were skeptical! I thought "Oh no! I've offended someone" And then i thought "Ah well, it's ok. They will maybe be ok later" then I read the rest!  ;o) 

Valley Quail -TYVM!

[HappyChappy]

Ziggiddy love your posertivity. Another positive, is we can detect vampires and avoid them before they get their teath into us.

[SomerledDottir]

Hi, Ziggiddy!

First of all,  on the awesome post.  Here is an upside just for me personally that has been extremely helpful.

I told my story about two months ago, so I guess it would be on the page where the newbies introduce themselves.  But the gist of it is, I have an uBPD half-sister.  She didn't know about me, but found me on another website and we began communicating.  Things began very well and I thought she had accepted me.  Along the way, there were a good many red flags that alerted me to her condition.  But I needed her to be OK, and I needed our relationship to be OK, so I ignored them. 

Until the day in February that I realized that she really hadn't accepted me, that she couldn't accept me, because doing so would require my sister to accept that our dad wasn't all she thought he was.  He was the only person in her life that my sister had never painted black.  He's long dead, but my sister would rather keep our dad on a pedestal than accept me as her living, breathing sister.  Not understanding this, but stung by my sister's rejection I stated my intention to take a DNA test to prove my identity.  My sister reacted in a rage, threw out alot of vile names, accusations and lies toward me and my mother, then stormed out of our lives.

After Googling some of my sister's behavioral traits, I stumbled on this site and learned alot, including that I am co-dependent.  I'm working on that now.

As a child, I was physically, verbally, and sexually abused by my stepfather.  I always wondered how my mother could have missed the red flags of some of my stepfather's worst behavior.  I always swore I would never do such a thing.  But I missed a million red flags with my sister.  I suspect we all do that at one time or another.  This has been a very painful, but valuable lesson.  I can see how we can even willfully miss red flags.  It can happen to anyone.  I can forgive my mother now.  She is 75, so this is a very valuable gift, a huge upside. 

I still have times of pain and anger toward my sister.  I am NC for self-protection.  I am still missing the relationship we could've had.  Her rejection and abandonment stings.  Sometimes I'm mad at myself for not having healthier boundaries, not protecting myself better.  But now I know I'm co-dependent and there's nowhere to go but up.  Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  And smarter.

[HappyChappy]

I always wondered how my mother could have missed the red flags of some of my stepfather's worst behavior.  But I missed a million red flags with my sister.

Sometimes I'm mad at myself for not having healthier boundaries, not protecting myself better.

Totally agree - only I was abused by a BPD Mum and an N Brother. My Mom would also use the, "I'm from the fairer sex. How could I hurt a boy? I'm his mother for God's sake." Worked every time. I've forgiven my Dad (wimp). The upside of BPD being, no more one sided relationships. I also axed a customer (a medical consultant, who thought he was God) - no more "educated class" abuse from customers. It also helps to understand the many evils of the world - such as the IRA, the Taliban, the Mafia, President Bush (either one) etc... etc... So it makes us wiser.

One other thing, is this hypervigelance that we have. I've always has lighting fast reactions. Learnt to juggle in a few days. If I knock something over accidently I can normally catch it before it hits the surface. Possibly that's linked to hypervigelance ? Not sure.

[Ziggiddy]

 SomerledDottir thank you for taking the time to read this post and also welcome to the group

I'm glad you rewrote your story as I haven't looked at the intro board for a while.

I am sorry to hear of the difficulties you experienced at the hands of your stepfather and half-sister. I too have a half sibling but this was one of the family secrets - he found out that we had different fathers early on by our mother's mother but our mother would never confess to it. It was only after finally receiving a birth certificate that my brother could get her to acknowledge it at all.

Like HappyChappy I see what you mean about the red flags. Myself I didn't see them or didn't understand them till the ripe old age of 44! Part of the disorder is to keep the loved ones off balance thus they never get a chance to come to be 'awakened' to the problem.

Like you I have a co-dependency issue but mine is with my uBPD/NPD mother. I have begun the unentwining process just a couple of months ago. It is as painful as I expected. In fact we had our first real fight last night which left me reeling. Depressed/sad/angry - oh so angry, but the upside is that I am standing up for myself. Even as I am losing hope that things will ever happen in her life to bring her to a change, I am gaining hope that I may become a complete person without her.

HC good on you for taking a stand! And for recognising when you are not receiving treatment as an equal.   No more one sided r'ships - hmmm. I have terminated two friendships with ladies with whom I have had exactly the replica of my r'ship with my mother. And the pain of loss is much diminished from understanding their selfish manipulativeness as their problem rather than my inability to please enough, to comply enough, to be available enough. I have high hopes that I will be ablr to see the next ones coming and maybe form some healthier friendships!

[SomerledDottir]

Hi, Ziggiddy and Happy Chappy,

Thanks for your responses -- it helps to know others have gone thru some of the same stuff.  Good on BOTH OF YOU for standing up for yourselves.  It's hard, boy do I know that!

Red flags, well, I'll be honest.  If I hadn't inadvertantly triggered my sister's worst BPD qualities and gotten a good eyeful of them, I'd probably still be hanging out, blind to the red flags.  I guess you're pretty blind when you can rationalize a suicidal ideation.

But Ziggiddy, it's really good to focus on the upsides, even if they sometimes seem small and you have to dig hard to find them.  The thing I learned when recovering from the sexual abuse was the answer to the age-old question, "Why do bad things happen to good people?".  And I think the answer is, to teach us compassion, so we can go out and help others who have suffered as we have.  I think that all starts with looking for the upsides, because that's where our hope comes from.

I had another small upside this weekend.  I wrote a poem about my sister and me -- one of my better ones, I think.  It helps to get the pain out.  And maybe creating a little piece of art out of the mess is a small victory over this disease.

[Woolspinner2000]

Thanks Ziggiddy for this wonderful observation:

"Also, when you deal with a non disordered person, you are pleasantly refreshed when they respond warmly or positively to your needs or requests. Or when they extend to you maturity and understanding without it being a request of having a boundary observed. How very soul soothing to be treated to someone looking out for YOU. And for them to do it first!"

Just last week a co-worker was thinking of me and brought me breakfast that she had made to share with me. I stood there thinking and feeling so incredibly special because she thought of me without expecting anything in return, she was just so glad that I was enjoying it with her. Later on I reflected about this a lot, thinking that such moments are huge gifts to me, of kindness and care, and the strangest recognition that I didn't have to do anything to earn her kindness. That was really the key, being aware that I expect kindness only when I've done something to try and earn it. So much a trait of what we learned as children of a pwBPD. It was a startling revelation but a good one. I also appreciated the comments about not having anymore one-sided relationships!

[Ziggiddy]

SomerledDottir  -teaching us compassion ... hmmm. i think I like that way of putting it. It teaches us an endurance and a humility that others may never know. For every scloud, silver lining and all that!

i am so so pleased for you to express yourself in a poem. it takes courage and skill to do that. I am sure many others would join me in inviting you to post it if ever you felt like sharing. Good for you! 

WoolSpinner - I welled up when I read that! It's the saddest thing to be trained to 'earn' love. And then not be able to meet up with the impossible standard that would have earned us love. So very sad. But yeah, like you pointed out, your friend was willing to do that beautiful thing for you because she ENJPYED giving the gift. That made me think. I guess we are more appreciative than the average joe for the kindness we receive at no cost!

Peace my friends

[SomerledDottir]

Ziggiddy, after re-reading your original post, I have an even greater appreciation for the things that you said in it.  I've been thinking about some more upsides and I don't know if I'm maybe saying some of the same things you said just a little differently, but I know I really appreciate any true safe harbor that real loved ones represent.  There is no way for me to over-respesent the value of people who are willing to listen and affirm me concerning uBPDsis, even playing devil's advocate with me at times, in a loving way, as I've struggled for clarity on this subject.

And my times of peace and quiet are much more precious to me now, after all the hurt Sis wrought.  It's been comforting to come to this site; I thank you all for sharing.  Reading your stories has helped me alot.  I found out last weekend that Sis had deleted comments, including some professing her love for me, off of my blog, sometime in the past 4-6 weeks, some 3+ months into NC.  So I've been a bit stung by her all over again, even NC, and needed a fresh dose of this site and you all.  Thank you all again!

Ziggiddy, do you know what you're doing, inviting a poet to share,    I will be doing that in a separate thread.  Hope you enjoy!  And I'm sending out blessings to all.

[jessienbp]

Awesome post, Zigiddy. thanks so much for putting a positive spin on things. True ones, too. The kindness of strangers always almost moves me to tears. And i posted elsewhere about how my hypervigilance probably saved my life once.

It's strange, isn't it, how being abused as a child makes some people more compassionate, and turns others into abusers/BPDs themselves?

I wonder what the difference is.

Bruce Perry, the great child psychologist, wrote that in his experience, getting some good honest love/help from someone -- a teacher, a loving grandparent, a caring therapist, whomever -- can save children by showing them what love should/could be, even if their primary caretakers are horrible.

If so, makes a very powerful case for reaching out to those kids, troubled/withdrawn as they may seem. Volunteer work, seeing the promise in students, whatever. Could be a soul one is saving.

[SomerledDottir]

Jessienbp, I have often wondered the same thing about why some who were abused go on to abuse and some do not, specifically vis-a-vis molesters like my stepfather.  I suspect there is something going on with brain chemicals and biochemistries, but if that's the case there is still a question of causation.  Both nature and nurture influence brain and biochemistry.  I keep wondering if there is a way that studies could be done.  Surely the prison population would be fertile ground for that, but I'm sure there are legal issues, and who knows how to get such a thing rolling.  I can't help but feel that's the key, though.

[Ziggiddy]

I know I really appreciate any true safe harbor that real loved ones represent.  There is no way for me to over-respesent the value of people who are willing to listen and affirm me concerning uBPDsis, even playing devil's advocate with me at times, in a loving way, as I've struggled for clarity on this subject.

This was heart warming to read. I am most grateful for the fact that this whole awakening process has wrought a bond between me and my brother that I never would have dreamed possible. He is 'there' for me in a way no one was for him, all of us buying fully into BPDm's representation of him - distorted and manipulated as I see now. Even outright lies that simply were conjured from a warped mind. It has been incredible to have someone to affirm and assert and honestly dissect the childhood we had. I have seen many flounder as they have no objective other to confirm that abuse occurred or to agree that it was shocking and uncalled for and NOT OUR FAULT. I have found a kind of safety in him that I value more than I can say. Probably tripled from coming from such a long way under zero.

It's strange, isn't it, how being abused as a child makes some people more compassionate, and turns others into abusers/BPDs themselves?

I wonder what the difference is.

ah jessienbp you have touched on a core thing there. Indeed, why? Me I believe it's the heart. Whether or not the heart is willing to turn around.

There's this chapter of a book called Watership Down where there is this cruel regimental rabbit called General Woundwort and he is confronted with an opportunity for peace and unison with the hero rabbits. the passage goes something like this: they are meeting on a field to discuss truce instead of capitulation and as the sun sets the fields are covered in hope and possibility ... but then a cloud passes over and all is lost as he returns to his madness. I wonder just how much of that goes on in the minds of the disordered?

[spots]

Hi Ziggidy, this is a great thread. Thanks for reminding us to look at the positive. One of my good friends bought me a gratitude journal and it has helped to think of the things I am grateful for in the midst of the turmoil that my uBPD sister is creating in our family.

For me, some of the upsides are:

• it has brought the rest of my family closer together (particularly my parents)
  
  it has made me appreciate the mundane in life a lot more (a day with nothing happening with a bit of sun? A GREAT day!)
  
  it has made me realise that I cannot wait for "everything to be okay" before I move on with my life - I need to learn to be happy regardless of what is happening with my sister.

This morning my parents had both the ambulance and the police at their house because of my sister's behavior, but I am finally learning how to keep functioning (I am at work and no one would guess the drama that is going in my family life right now!)

I was watching ENews! and the host said something really wise (not expected from an entertainment show!) She said what she learned about her struggles with breast cancer, etc is: "Keep going. Things will change. If it is difficult, it is not the end. And if it is not the end, things will change". This quote helped me.

[Ziggiddy]

spots - a gratitude journal. What a great idea! And I am quite struck with the quote you mentioned. The right word at the right time truly can come from anywhere. i am quite stuck at present and that is more useful than you know. From her through you to me and who knows where next? Humans hey? What a thing

[spots]

Glad it helped  Feeling stuck is the worst thing. I'm feeling a bit better today - feel like my parents are making a stand with my uBPD sibling. Today is the day we all start living our lives again without being held hostage to her moods. We shall see... .