Having a really rough time today

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Missing him so much.  Missing all the good stuff.  Cannot stop crying.  Texted him this morning to see how he's doing.  (Recovering from surgery.)  He hasn't responded.  Feels like the more time that goes on the harder it is.  The more final it is.  I wish I could get my head and my heart together.  My head knows how toxic this relationship is and how damaging to me.  My head knows he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore.  My head knows he broke very important promises to me.  My heart just wants him.

[Emelie Emelie]

Missing him so much.  Missing all the good stuff.  Cannot stop crying.  Texted him this morning to see how he's doing.  (Recovering from surgery.)  He hasn't responded.  Feels like the more time that goes on the harder it is.  The more final it is.  I wish I could get my head and my heart together.  My head knows how toxic this relationship is and how damaging to me.  My head knows he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore.  My head knows he broke very important promises to me.  My heart just wants him.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Right there with you today. 

CiF

[Emelie Emelie]

Usually crying it all out helps for a while.  Today I just can't stop.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

You'll be ok girly. I am on here less and less... . since I stopped looking

at his fb it has gotten better for me. I keep trying to refocus

on myself even though my brain travels to him often. I just focus

on the bad not the good, and I am starting to feel numb towards him.

All though I KNOW my anxiety and longing for him would kick in if I

even glanced at his FB. Resistance and perserverence is key.

You'll get through this. Private message me if you need to vent.

[willy45]

Hey Emilie,

It does get better. Trust me. I've been there. The main keys to my survival:

1) No Contact. Trust me on that. There is no point. I wasn't even looking at these boards for a year. Then I gave in to her contact and boom, right back at the beginning. They don't change.

2) Dream up something awesome and do it! For reals. Try somethi

[willy45]

Oops... . As I was saying... .

Try something you never thought possible and go for it. For me, I did that and the results have been amazing. Started a TV show, launched a project at the White House that got international attention, made a ___ ton of money, almost finished my dissertation, got meetings at the UN, meetings with Senators, and learned to paint. None of which would have been possible if still dealing with all the drama from my ex. The only risk is when I have contact. Fs up my life, I fall into depression, can't sleep, can't eat, hate myself, and so forth. You know the drill... . So, is it worth not implementing your dreams for some loony? H#lls no. I started all these projects while sitting at home balling my eyes out. But, I knew it was a matter of survival. So I did it. And it worked!

To recap:

No Contact.

Start something awesome. The choices you make today will impact you life tomorrow.

[cosmonaut]

I'm sorry today's been a rough one, Emelie.   :'(  Those days still happen to me too.  The finality of the relationship being over is hard to accept.  It is such an extremely powerful bond that we formed with our BPD partners, and it is a bond that does not easily break.  It takes time, and these feelings of grief and longing are normal, albeit very painful.  I am still working to detach too.  Not hearing a word from my ex and having no idea how she's doing, and not having any sort of closure has been very hard for me accept and cope with.  I can really understand how crushing the silence can be.

Hang in there.  You are doing a great job detaching, and these days happen.  It will get better in time.  I thought I would never get over this break-up for a while, but there are starting to be some green shoots of hope and healing now.  Trust that it will get better in time.   

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Oops... . As I was saying... .

Try something you never thought possible and go for it. For me, I did that and the results have been amazing. Started a TV show, launched a project at the White House that got international attention, made a ton of money, almost finished my dissertation, got meetings at the UN, meetings with Senators, and learned to paint. None of which would have been possible if still dealing with all the drama from my ex. The only risk is when I have contact. Fs up my life, I fall into depression, can't sleep, can't eat, hate myself, and so forth. You know the drill... . So, is it worth not implementing your dreams for some loony? H#lls no. I started all these projects while sitting at home balling my eyes out. But, I knew it was a matter of survival. So I did it. And it worked!

To recap:

No Contact.

Start something awesome. The choices you make today will impact you life tomorrow.

Inspiring!

[Emelie Emelie]

Thanks.  I do need to work on no contact.  I fall apart and then I reach out although I have promised myself too many times that I won't.  And I know his response has NEVER made me feel better.  Not once.  Because I'm hoping for something I'm not going to get.  Some sort of validation.  His ignoring me is a new twist.  He didn't do that last break up.  Makes me feel I didn't matter and that he's really "done".  I know that would be for the best.  It's just so hard to accept.

I also need to summon up some motivation.  Just can't seem to do so right now.  I can hardly get out of bed most days.

[corraline]

Emelie

Im sorry this is such a rough time for you.  Some days are worse than others.  As others say so often, NO contact and maintaining it (as seriously difficult as it is to do ) can be your best ally when the pain is so unbearable.  Find some kind of healthy alternative.  Instead of reaching out to him try writing something to him and not sending it.  :)o something, even if its very little ... . nice and nurturing for yourself.  It is sometimes more of a challenge to do this when we feel so low. Just remember we are here for you and altho its not nearly the same as your ex obviously, there is some solace and peace knowing that we do share your pain and care about you.

Corraline

[WhoMe51]

Emelie,

I am sorry you are hurting.  I know from your other posts that the weekends are hard on you.  I have learned to try and do something that will take my mind off of my pain even if it's just for a moment.  My therapist always says just take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and sometimes breath by breath.  You are a strong person and you will get through this. 

[Infared]

Emelie, I totally understand where you are with this. Went thru it all. Did not sleep for two months (I did not know that that was possible) when my pwBPD ran off to her new Hero, whilst telling me there was no one.

Contacting her was extremely brutal to my well-being, but sometimes, even as strong-willed as  I was attempting to be, I would cave-in and make contact.  It was always catastrophic to my well-being.  Always.

I like the suggestion to write a letter expressing your feelings and not sending it. That helped me a lot when I was in your position. I wrote a lot of them... . it gave me a place to funnel my emotional energy. ... . and just remember, EVERYTHING changes!

Years later now my ex is chasing me around a parking lot and I am running like hell! Go figure.

Maybe one of us got healthier... . hmmmmmmmmm... .

We are here for you and we know it will get better for you... . just hold on and hang in there!

[Banshee]

Texted him this morning to see how he's doing.  (Recovering from surgery.)  He hasn't responded.  Feels like the more time that goes on the harder it is.  The more final it is.

Emelie Emelie, is this the first contact after what he said that hurt you so much?

I'm so sorry and understand with an open heart... My last text, 2 weeks ago and his hours  of  no response  had me block him for  several hours ,just so I wouldn't know for sure if he replied or not... how's that for denial?

It also made it impossible for me to try again.It actually felt so dark and distant, unlike the other times... seems any contact from me after that would be met with the silent treatment that everyone talks about. So no contact has been easier.

I'm sending you hugs   and hopes that things become easier for you

[woodsposse]

 

Detaching is a process, not a switch.  It took me a long time to understand that statement - and even loner to get to a point of real detachment.  For me, even though I forced myself to "move on"... . moved out of our house, got into another r/s (first one after 20 years), tried my best not to contact her... . it was still a very long time before I could detach.

some days were great.  I could wake up, go about my day, have 'fun' in my new life - but those were really the sham days, because almost every other day I was still bitter, hurt, sad, mad, angry and confused.  It really had a profound affect on my entire being.

But guess what... . it's normal. 

We have good days, we have bad days.  Time does help heal... . but the real healing comes from within us.

So bad days/nights may come.  Triggers may happen when watching a movie or hearing a song... . and that's okay.  It's normal - and you will get through this.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Detaching is a process, not a switch.  It took me a long time to understand that statement - and even loner to get to a point of real detachment.  For me, even though I forced myself to "move on"... . moved out of our house, got into another r/s (first one after 20 years), tried my best not to contact her... . it was still a very long time before I could detach.

some days were great.  I could wake up, go about my day, have 'fun' in my new life - but those were really the sham days, because almost every other day I was still bitter, hurt, sad, mad, angry and confused.  It really had a profound affect on my entire being.

But guess what... . it's normal. 

We have good days, we have bad days.  Time does help heal... . but the real healing comes from within us.

So bad days/nights may come.  Triggers may happen when watching a movie or hearing a song... . and that's okay.  It's normal - and you will get through this.

<3 yes very true

[Emelie Emelie]

Thanks everyone.  He did get back to me.  He called me.  I was in the car and didn't pick up.  Called him back when I got home.  We had a fairly nice conversation, he's recovering nicely from surgery, but this is how it ended:

He said the reason I don't want to talk to you is I don't want to wonder what you're doing and who you're doing it with.  It hurts too much so it's easier not to think of you at all.  So I just don't think about you. 

Freaking ouch.  I, of course, started sobbing.  I said I understand.  I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay.  He said I'm good, I'm doing well, don't worry about me.  I said okay, be well, bye. 

We certainly left it much nicer that it was before.  And I'm grateful for that.  However the "I just don't think about you" was really, really rough.  I wish I could switch it off like that. 

[maternal]

Ah... . I know that "it hurts too much" game... .   No bueno.  I'm amazed at how identical the behavior and words of those with BPD are to one another.  It's very striking how consistent our experiences tend to be.

Emelie Emelie,

Don't let those words cut you so deep.  I know that's very difficult, but at the end of the day, it's up to you.  I think No Contact is a good way to go.  Strengthen yourself so that his words don't bother you so much.  Figure out the best way for you, but get yourself strong.  Keep your head up.

[Narellan]

Em I feel really sad for you today. It's a bad day. We all have them. The positives out of this are that he replied and was as honest as he could be. He cared enough to tell you he doesn't want contact and why it's difficult for him. It's painful. Detaching is very painful. It's really good to have ended this in a positive way. And you both know where you stand.

No contact now sweetie to heal yourself. And cry it out. There's nothing weak about feeling your own pain, but it really does take a lot out of you.

Fairy steps each day, and soon you will start to recover. I never thought I'd feel normal again a few weeks back, but I do now. I'm smiling more and crying less.

Take care if yourself and allow yourself to grieve. 

[Emelie Emelie]

Thanks Maternal.  I agree... . I need to stop contacting him.  This is really all that I thought I wanted. To know he wasn't hating me.  He wasn't furious with me anymore.  I got that tonight.  And that needs to be enough.  I have to let go of him and this relationship.  I love him but that's just not enough.  I couldn't love him enough to fix this.  It's a lot bigger than me.  

[Emelie Emelie]

Yes Narellan - it is really good to have ended this in a positive way.  I was having a really hard time with how it ended.  As I just told Maternal... . that's what I wanted... . a better "ending".  Now I need to let go.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Its so hard knowing that we are heartbroken

Amd thinking of them several times a day

While theu can jist turn us off and feel nothing.

A part of him does care about you or he wouldn't

Be letting go. He would ke trying to cycle with you.

Take solice in that. Know its not you and he knows that.

Hes npt rejecting you he is rejecting himself.

He knows deep down you deserve more.

This is a good day. Not a bad day.

It moved you closer towards the light.

Everything happens for a reason. The pain is good

Makes you strong

Good job em. Youre doing great.

[pari]

Oh Emelie! These are the exact same words my exbf used to tell, exact same words. Probably that's how they see things and that's what works for them. And they think everyone thinks like them.

We need to understand that basic difference between us and them. We don't think like them. They can switch on/off as they find convenient but it doesn't work that way for everyone. Nor for you, neither for me.

Even though these words are harsh and hurtful, but somewhere it might help you detach. You know that he doesn't want to be contact. That way you won't end up taking the responsibility of what happened. It's easier to look at the happy memories and ignore the painful ones. Look back at your list of things why you shouldn't be with him. Look at positive changes you have made in your life after him. YOU are your focus.  Love & Bless yourself.  

[cosmonaut]

He said the reason I don't want to talk to you is I don't want to wonder what you're doing and who you're doing it with.  It hurts too much so it's easier not to think of you at all.  So I just don't think about you. 

I'm sorry, Emelie.  I'm sure it hurt to hear that from him.  It's so typically BPD to say something like that without any idea of how it might affect the person on the other end.  Of course, what he was saying in BPD language is that you mean everything to him.  I'm not sure if it helps to think of it like that, but I do think that's what he actually feels.  In his own BPD way I think he was saying you were very special to him.

[Emelie Emelie]

Thank you Cosmonaut.  I know I was special to him.  I know he loved me and probably still does in his way.  He wasn't saying that to be cruel.  It's how he's coping.  He decided I couldn't give him what he needs but I know he's mourning the end of the rs as well. 

So thank you.  It does help to look at it that way.  I wanted a "nicer" ending.  I got that and it needs to be enough.  I've got to do the hard work of detaching from him, grieving, and figuring out how to rebuild my life.  Fine some peace and happiness without him. 

You all are a great help in that journey.

[Lion Fire]

I'm so sorry to hear you are hurting and I can relate to what you are feeling.

For me it's been rough but necessary.

Healing IS a painful process. Things seem so overwhelming at times and the clouds engulf.

Ending a relationship with someone with BPD is complicated at best. There has been a lot of damage and this will take time to repair.

Stay strong and stay close

Peace

[Pecator]

Hey Em,

First off, you are part of that great help in this journey.

As usual, our stories don't match totally, but I so identify with the feelings you post. I was having such a roller coaster week, then yesterday I was just so overwhelmed. Then I read my exact feelings on your post.

Em, you are at least posting and processing. I don't seem to have that energy. I have been reading a lot. I begin to post or reply, then lose the focus and stop. You are one step a head of me. 

I wanted you to know that you are also inspiring me to reply.

So, you are inspiring and helpful your self

[Narellan]

Hi Pecator, here you are posting ! And venting and motivating yourself. And inspiring others to do the same. It's so vital in our healing process. Today you're having a better day that's fantastic. Hold on to these days when you feel a bit more empowered and remember them on the darker days. Everyone on here is inspirational because we are on here! We are coping and healing ourselves and others. We are making healthy choices about how we want our lives to be. It's a great place to be. 

[Emelie Emelie]

Thank you Pecator.  You made me smile.  Sometimes it really does feel as if we're a family here.  A loving, supportive and understanding family.  I'm not sure how I would have survived any of this had I not found my way to this board.    to you!

[Cardinals in Flight]

Thank God it's bedtime, or at least dark, I can go to my safe place, sleep.

Next weekend will be better!

CiF

[Emelie Emelie]

Good night Cardinals.  Hope you sleep well.