feeling fear today

[corraline]

So far I have been pretty lucky.  I haven't had to see my ex since mid January.  I managed to avoid him when he popped into my work as I had already left for home.  He doesn't live in my town, he is a few hours away.  So far so good.  I thought I saw him today on his motorcycle.  It probably wasn't him but im still in the stage that I look out for him alot... . i notice all of the cars that look like his, the motorcyles etc.  He is a pretty active on line dater and he is retired so he has alot of time to be doing that.  He doesn't seem to mind the long distance thing either. He also has a couple of friends here from a mens community.  So... Im not being completely paranoid with the idea that the possibility of running into him is likely.

Saying all of that.  I just don't know how i will handle it if i see him. Even worse if he is with someone else.  I am afraid I will fall back to square one.  I'm trying to work it out.  It hasn't even happened and it sends me to a bad place. Ugh!

[cosmonaut]

I know what you mean, corraline.  I have no idea what I would say to my ex if I was to see her at this point.  I actually thought that I saw her a few nights ago.  I saw a woman from the back that I thought was her, and it immediately made my heart start racing and my stomach knot.  When I realized it wasn't her, it made me both relieved and also sad.

My ex and I live in the same city, but not all that near together.  Still, I also know what you mean about double checking every car that looks like hers and my eye being instantly drawn to anyone that looks like her.  It was a very powerful bond that we formed, and it is one that I am still disassembling.  I really don't know what I would do if I ever do run into her.  I'm not even sure she would talk to me, or even acknowledge me.

I can understand your fear of losing all your progress.  I share your fear, and I think it's natural.  We will cross that bridge if and when we come to it.  Until then, we keep working on detaching and moving forward to healing.   

[corraline]

Thanks for your support cosmonaut 

Maybe i need to you know, travel to an exotic place, have a spiritual experience with a guru, hang out with a shaman and meet the man of my dreams after it all. Like the woman in eat pray love.  I hated that movie.  Feeling sorry for myself and maybe a little b*tchy right now.

[Infared]

I am finding that true borderlines never go away... .

I had an encounter recently and it brought me to this website to gain some understanding.  I have learned SO MUCH here.

It has been MANY years since our relationship and a couple of years since I have seen her. (Seen and avoided, no contact).

After all these years she saw me in the grocery store (me clueless), ran out of the store with a cart-load with groceries and knew my car and waited near my car for me and then attempted to run into me "by accident"!

It is mind-blowing to me that she thinks I would "chat-it-up" with her after all the horrible instances I have been subjected to.  In that instant thank God I had an immediate reaction for self-preservation. Phew!... . it could have been ugly for me.

Just having that happen rocked my emotional boat, big time.

I have to keep telling myself that she is sick and have some empathy, but that should not stop me from protecting me.

[corraline]

I have this little story to tell.  Not certain it really fits , maybe a stretch but here goes.

When I was about 30 years old , my brother and I decided we would try skydiving together.

We spent the morning in ground school.  I remember thinking when they were teaching the part about how to get yourself out of a problem , "there is no way in hell i am going to remember how to get myself out of a difficult situation when I have jumped out of an airplane and i will be panicking , in serious fear because something's wrong and I am going to have to save myself from hitting the ground without a chute" 

So guess what... . I jump out in sheer terror, (my brother just jumped before me so I was already in fear about whether he was going to be okay) I looked up to check my chute and lo and behold i can't reach the toggles!  AAAHHHH !   I have a line twist !  and guess what next... . I remembered exactly how to get out of my scary predicament.  I twisted myself around, it was all there, it came to me !  So I sailed on down to the ground , made it quite safely !

I am hoping all of the progress, healing and understanding I have acquired so far will help me to land safely if I find myself in a predicament with my ex !

[Infared]

Corraline... .

Now THERE is some positive visualization!

(I had only a nanosecond to react.  ... . and I had such mixed feelings about it after, but if I had it to do over, I would do exactly the same thing).

[corraline]

Well, I really only had about three hours of ground school before I jumped.  So far I have had about three months of serious healing after the relationship ended . 

[Emelie Emelie]

Corraline that is my biggest fear too... . running into him with someone else.  I could not handle it.  I ran into him in a restaurant once after our last break up, he was sitting at the bar talking to another woman... . flirting... . and I was completely undone.  I avoid places I know he might be like the plague.  But we do live close to one another and it makes me very anxious.  Trying to stay in the moment.