Why is letting go so hard?

[pari]

I have not been in touch with him for last 7 months (Wow!). I have ignored his phone calls and mails during this time. But somwhere in my heart, I am still worried about him, want to know if he is fine. Since I blocked him on fb and gmail, I couldn't get any update. I knew of a forum he visits regularly (that's where I found out first when he was cheating on me). I keep visiting the forum to see updates from him or if I can't anything there, I end up googling him. All I found out is that he is back to painting. All these moments take me back to him and our time together, thinking about the good times and good memories. I keep reminding myself that he choose to be with somebody else and probably doing well.

From last 3 months, I am on a vegan-no grain diet for detox. This diet is suppose to clear a lot of physical and emotional blockages. I have been crying a lot recently. I have tried to give send-off speech to him during my meditations a few times... Letting go has been so hard for me as I was so emotionally invested in him. But still, I am much better in last 1 year but still have a long way to go.

Somewhere in my heart, I feel that I need to make peace with him. It tough to live with such big block in  heart. Last week, I almost called him. Don't know what stopped me but glad I didn't.  . Retrospection made me realize that I think about him when I feel lonely, low or need comfort of human being around, or being close, intimate with someone. He was the only source of comfort I knew because I never let anyone come so close to me. And now he is gone but my memory still recalls him for comfort. This realization helped me to direct my attention to other sources of comfort, like meditation, music, baking or friends.

My sessions with therapist were extremely helpful but since I am out of job for last 6 months, I cannot afford to see her anymore.

I made a resolve to not stalk him over internet and wanted to post it here. So that I can come back here for strength.

Big hug

[Emelie Emelie]

  back to you Parl.  Letting go is extremely hard.  It sounds like you're doing really well... . ignoring calls and emails.  That's a very tough thing to do.  I've certainly never been capable of it. 

I would like to believe we can make peace with them without their participation.  Because it really is about us; letting go in love, forgiving, accepting. 

You're making great progress.  Feel good about that.

[arjay]

Greetings.  I admire your strength and convictions,considering the difficulty and the emotions that are so commonplace during this time in the process - yes a process.

There have been discussions about the physical effects that are often experienced, when coming out the other side of a relationship such as these.  It was gut-wrenching for me in the beginning, and it was better over time.  I did go through periods when I thought it was finally better yet still have mini set-backs.  It was more like what happens with the closing of a screen door - it swings wildly in the beginning, and slowly swings less and less over time, eventually closing.

Interestingly one of my first emotions when she left was worrying about her well-being something I discussed in counseling.  That was the co-dependant in me worrying about a woman that was highly adaptable; who had learned to survive on her own for 30 adult years.  Yes she learned to be a survivor and because she had been through it before (string of broken relationships), she was better at it than me.

She would try to "latch on" in her own moments of weakness, even a year after leaving.  By then however, I knew she was simply in transition again - dealing with another major change and was looking for "some - thing" to hang on to until she came out the other side.  Had I been there to extend a hand, it would have been followed by another ugly and painful end.  In other words, I would have been simply the "life preserver" until she decided to jump in the water again.  It wasn't about me at all.  It was about her finding security for the moment.

Keep doing what you can to help you. Read some of the recommended books, join a spiritual group or another group that redirects and refocuses on "moving forward" instead of pondering the past too much.  We all know the feeling - the ups and downs - the oscillating between never wanting to see them again and wanting the moment of comfort.  A turning point for me was "learning to live with "me".  That was as much the issue for me as the relationship I had with a BPD.  The time I spent alone and working on myself was really what changed me forever.

Peace to you

[pari]

I would like to believe we can make peace with them without their participation.  Because it really is about us; letting go in love, forgiving, accepting. 

True Emelie. It's about us. It's been an year now and things don't look so hopeless. I am just giving myself time, trying to be not hard on myself. Also strong enough to express my feelings, even if it's about my exbf. I believe it makes things difficult if I try to suppress these feelings. They need to be out and this is perfect platform for validation and acceptance.

Much love

That was the co-dependant in me worrying about a woman that was highly adaptable; who had learned to survive on her own for 30 adult years.  Yes she learned to be a survivor and because she had been through it before (string of broken relationships), she was better at it than me.

She would try to "latch on" in her own moments of weakness, even a year after leaving.  By then however, I knew she was simply in transition again - dealing with another major change and was looking for "some - thing" to hang on to until she came out the other side.  Had I been there to extend a hand, it would have been followed by another ugly and painful end.  In other words, I would have been simply the "life preserver" until she decided to jump in the water again.  It wasn't about me at all.  It was about her finding security for the moment.

So true Arjay! I am begining to accept that entire recycle phase was a result of my codependency and his insecurity. Everyone has to fight the battle of their emotions alone. I am on it alone. He needs to do the same. But he won't do it. Instead he has latched on to somebody else who is providing him some momentarily comfort, security. He will live his life the way he chooses to and I can't do anything about it, even if I was in touch with him.  With all what I saw during end of the relationship with him, I never trusted him to take care of me (it was a big reason of dissatisfaction for him) and of course of himself. He is 40 years old and experience more r/s breakups then I have ever been.

May be it's a part of  me that still wants to feel important by worrying about him.  I don't know I am just thinking aloud.

Besides this, I have plenty of things going on to keep me occupied, like Reading, Job Hunt, Meditation, Baking and lots of social interactions. It feels good to know when people see you as real you.

[tango1492]

It's been 4 months NC for me, but I do check his FB a lot. I just discovered his girlfriend from checking social media. It's definitely an addiction... . wanting to have some info about him. But yes, realizing we really have zero control over anyone but ourselves is important. When I have fantasies about us maybe reconciling and being together again someday, I do try to remind myself that if contacted me, it would most likely be for the wrong reasons, because he was moving, changing jobs, going through a break-up, etc. In other words, it would be an impulsive decision on his part to try to get comfort from me. It wouldn't mean that something had actually changed between us and that things would magically be different and better.

I also hear what you're saying about blocking them. He's blocked on FB and I changed my gmail and my phone number. Yet, sometimes I break down and unblock him on FB. I just made an appointment with a new therapist. I want to get to the bottom of my compulsion to check social media looking for him.

My family tells me I should just pretend he's dead. That seems so harsh. Not to mention, no matter how hard I might try, the reality is that in the back of my head I think there is always a chance he'll try to contact me someday. It's almost like I want to be prepared for that day if it comes.

I've tried to make a pact to myself not to check social media. And I keep breaking my pact. This is what leads me to think that at this point it's become habit and an addiction.

I do want to find acceptance and learn to detach. And I AM better now than I was when we first broke up 10 months ago. I stil

[tango1492]

I still feel I have a long way to go though. I am definitely by no means over him. In fact, I still feel like I'm in love with him and have not truly let go of hope of reconciliation. 

[corraline]

I believe it just takes alot of hard work and commitment ( which is seriously difficult when you are in crisis or feel like a total mess), along with acceptance of where you are right here and now.  I don't know about you but when i read some of the senior member posters and what they have been through and are still dealing with, i see that altho it still brings up alot pain for some of them but their growth, their wisdom and insight and mostly their raw,  brutal honesty in accepting who they are (the good , the bad and the ugly ) and what they have been through is truly inspiring. when i read the new posters, i am also inspired that they even made it here with all of what they are dealing with.  just where i'm at in this moment.

[pari]

I also hear what you're saying about blocking them. He's blocked on FB and I changed my gmail and my phone number. Yet, sometimes I break down and unblock him on FB.

Funny you mention this. I blocked him on FB. Last month out of curiosity, I unblocked him and next thing I knew that he has unfriended me.  I found it very funny. I had to find a workaround to block a non-friend on facebook then.

Confession: I checked his forum today. He has posted some peoms that he  wrote for me long back. When we were still dating, he said I bring his creativity side out. He used to write poems and sketch, and was very good at it. He wrote few poems for me and they were beautiful.

There was sudden outburst of emotions and I couldn't stop crying. I felt so helpless. I felt like he knows what I am going through. This poem talks about intuition that he knows I am around, hiding and invisible. I don't know why would he go back to those poems and post them on public forum. I don't know what is up in his life. Last month, some of common friends bumped into him and his gf. It just makes me so sad that he would go back to our time together.

I keep questioning myself, why am I sad with this incident. I tried to accept his incapability to handle emotions but ended up harming myself. I tried to be there and make it work, but I ended up losing my own balance. And at the end, he went away with someone else, leaving me alone. But that didn't stop him from leashing out at me and I wonder why I stayed to listen. Ultimately, I had to avoid and not respond. It's tough. Because I still care for him somewhere in my heart. I still love the person I feel in love with. It was beautiful. There is a war going on between brain and heart. My heart wants to reach out to him and brain doesn't. But brain isn't functioning properly at the moment.

Give me strength to do what is right.

[Narellan]

Oh Pari I feel what you're going through. When I split with my ex BPD after 3 weeks NC he posted photos of us kissing on FB. I ignored them but felt he wanted me to contact him. I deactivated my FB a week or so later. A month after that I reactivated to have a sneak peek and he had unfriended me. But he had changed the settings on all my/ our photos to public I guess so I could still see them if I wanted to look. I don't want to look. I'm studying deactivated now. I think he uses FB as a way to hurt me/ manipulate my feelings. It's so hard to detach from them if you can see them on social media. It's really bad news. I was reading things into every post he made. Over a month off FB now and I don't miss it. I get my fix coming here to chat instead. Try to be strong with not stalking him. It will really help your healing process. Take care x

[pari]

Thanks for response Narellan!

I took a nap, went out for a walk and meditation. Feeling better and thinking clearly now.

I was still ready to try. He was the one who walked out with my replacement. His loss. I need to care for myself and move on. He was my priority, top one but not anymore. Even if he is posting such stuff on his forum, it's his issue. If he is remembering our good times, it's going to make him miserable, not me.

Thanks much for support.   

[bunnyrabit]

For me I think the hardest thing about it is that I'm left with myself. The BPD 'relationship' provides me such a convenient way to completely forget about myself and my issues. It's like a drug, escapism. But the truth of the matter is, there is no escaping myself.

I realize now that I have to sit here with me and try to love me like I loved my BPD ex. It's immensely frightening because now I have to face everything that I have been carefully avoiding my whole life. I can feel now though that it's the only way, I'm stuck with me forever. And in the end I'm the only one that I got, so why not be my own best friend. With so much love to give I must be able to give some to myself.