Husband is undiagnosed BPD, just told me he's going off his meds...

[PainterChick]

Hello,

I am 51 years old and been married 29 years to my husband, we have no kids. We have both had counseling and therapy over the years, but it has become clear to me (and therapist) that my husband suffers from BPD. He won't entertain even a mild conversation about it. He admits to severe lifelong depression issues, but it's way more involved than that. So, suffice it to say, he is undiagnosed, and will most likely remain that way.

Right now, one huge meltdown of his, lasting almost a full day, I asked him about his meds. He said he was off one antidepressant, now he is tapering off the other. Here we go again. He doesn't like the side effects, etc... . He's going to learn to meditate, exercise more and eat better. But after almost 3 decades, I know how this will all go, sadly.

How can I set my boundaries about him not going off his meds, with clarity and strength. Too often, I get sucked into the world wind of chaotic emotions and I am choosing not to this time. I mean, I can't even bring up BPD without stress.

I'm glad someone's out there listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tired-of-it-all]

It is so frustrating to me that with the hipaa laws, we can't know our spouses medical treatment unless they agree to allow it.  With BPD, mine won't admit a problem or allow me to know what is going on with her therapist and treatment (or lack thereof).  To me it is a legal no-win.

I hope you are able to determine what your boundaries are with this situation and I hope you are able to stick by those boundaries.

[an0ught]

Hi PainterChick,

Hello,

I am 51 years old and been married 29 years to my husband, we have no kids. We have both had counseling and therapy over the years, but it has become clear to me (and therapist) that my husband suffers from BPD. He won't entertain even a mild conversation about it. He admits to severe lifelong depression issues, but it's way more involved than that. So, suffice it to say, he is undiagnosed, and will most likely remain that way.

Right now, one huge meltdown of his, lasting almost a full day, I asked him about his meds. He said he was off one antidepressant, now he is tapering off the other. Here we go again. He doesn't like the side effects, etc... . He's going to learn to meditate, exercise more and eat better. But after almost 3 decades, I know how this will all go, sadly.

How can I set my boundaries about him not going off his meds, with clarity and strength. Too often, I get sucked into the world wind of chaotic emotions and I am choosing not to this time. I mean, I can't even bring up BPD without stress.

I'm glad someone's out there listening.

Boundaries are rules for yourself not for him. So to turn this into a boundary it would be "I'm not staying around a person that does not take their meds when their issues affect me.". You are new on the board so I*m not sure you are at the moment strong enough and in a position to stick to that.

I suspect he is feeling strongly about not taking them due to side effects. And you pushing for it will be rejected  and you are in a difficult position to push it through. I also suspect that he is not listening so much to you.

This makes your situation difficult and probably it is best to start at the basics.

1) Sharing your view of him tapering off in a manner that he gets it. See workshops on SET

 S: I really want to help you,

 E: the pills do have real side effects and not wanting them is normal

 T: I believe you still need them. You are struggling already more w/o them. I'll provide regular feedback on how you are doing. Keep in mind that maybe it is too early to go to taper off.

2) Providing him regular but not too frequent feedback on how he is doing emotionally without pushing him to take up medication again.

 ==> See workshops on valiation

3) Making sure he goes to T and shares his change of medication.

 ==> T needs to know. Make sure he is not (afraid/ashamed/insecure  ==> see again validation) to share it with T.

And last but not least welcome to the Staying board   You find pointers to the workshops in the LESSONS post at the top of the Staying board.

[maxsterling]

I'm facing a similar issue.  dBPDgf (also diagnosed bipolar) quit taking her antidepressant a few weeks ago, without really tapering off, and without consult with her doctor.  Her reasons were complaints of headaches and racing thoughts.  My thought at the time was that the meds aren't really doing her much good anyway, that what she really needs is intensive therapy, and that stopping the antidepressant would be no big deal.  She's also on other mood stabilizers, so I thought that would mitigate any negative effects.

Well, since she stopped the antidepressant, I've seen a major backslide.  I've heard before that one does not really know the effects of an antidepressant until they stop.  That's definitely the case here.  Last night we had a therapy session and the T suggested that she really needs to get her meds stabilized.  My GF resists, though, because she does not want the side effects.  One side effect she does not want is a reduced sex drive, and I reminded her that simply being depressed reduces her sex drive.

It's a tough battle, and I feel for you on this one.  The meds don't magically make things better, but it's quite apparent that without them life for her is much, much worse.