Is this normal?

[spicelover]

I could be walking down the street happy and not a care in my mind, and something (sometimes anything), can remind me of her laugh or something about us and trigger me to instant complete sadness and instant welling up in my eyes and I feel sick.  It's been 2 1/2 months.  I can't get her out of my mind sometimes and it's driving me crazy no matter how hard I try.

The worse is my sleep.  I still wake up every single night after nightmares, or even sweet dreams about her.  Especially that little bit where you're nearly asleep but not quite and dreaming and believe everything is real.  Is this normal or am I going crazy?

I'm still in love with her but I've come to the reality that she's not good for me, and has moved on anyway.  I feel it's just been too long, and I've tried everything I could.  The whole thing was just a fail.

[mywifecrazy]

It's all normal brother. Read about the stages of grieving a loss on here.  You will have some good days and you'll think the grieving is over than it comes back and knocks you for a loop. It will come at you in waves. But if you allow yourself the time to go through it and deal with your feelings (anger, sadness, hatred, loneliness, etc) in a healthy way you will come out on the other side a much better and healthier person.

It almost been a year for me since my uBPDxw left me after 20 years. I'm still dealing with it but I'm getting there and feel like I'm close to being through it. The key is not to try to rush things. Give yourself a break and just focus on you. If your mad, sad, angry it's OK you have a right to have those feelings and it's normal. If your angry go with it, let it out. Don't try to deny your feelings or bottle them up or you'll be like a pressure cooker ready to explode. Make sure you have a SAFE person to talk to and let your feelings out.

Good luck!

[arjay]

Greetings.  I hear you! It is a process for sure full of moments that are up and down.  Think of it as the closing of a screen door - it swings wildly at first and then slowly diminishes over time.

You might want to check out this link on "Surviving a Breakup".  It really helps us to understand that it is a process; that we need to have a strategy in place in order to get to that place of emotional healing.  It does get better and all of us understand how difficult it can be.  Be kind to yourself; give yourself permission to grieve and know it is all part of the process.

Peace to you.

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

[spicelover]

Thanks guys.  I have been reading the articles and they're great.  I guess I just thought because of the way she's treated me over the past couple of months I'd find it easier just to forget about her and move on.  We were together only for just over 12 months, but it felt a lot longer.  I gave her my heart which was already fragile and she knew that.  The wonderful warm memories keep haunting me, and the cold ones are fading I was hoping the opposite would happen.

The worse part is everything that I felt was so happy she has now turned to black and rewritten in her mind.  To me it feels like she died and a massive part of me with her.

[arjay]

I guess I just thought because of the way she's treated me over the past couple of months I'd find it easier just to forget about her and move on.

We all thought the same.  It seemed the kinder I was even in the divorce and moving on process (she filed), the worse it got.

She took a job overseas and arrived there just before the christmas holidays.  She called before the holidays crying, telling me she was lonely, that her family didn't even call for the holidays.  I sent her some things and we did facetime thing on Christmas Day.  She told me "that was the kindest thing you ever did for me".  I thought the two of us had found peace.  The very next day she sent me the most scathing email I had ever read.  That was the day I quit taking the blame; that was the day I realized the disorder and what I had been up against.  It was in that kindness that I let go and saw it for what it was.

It did take me many months after that to really begin to heal, but I was free in the sense I saw the disorder and realized it was never about me; the marriage; our relationship; none of it.  It was simply all part of her BPD world.

Peace

[spicelover]

I'm sorry you've been through all of that.  It sounds horrific   I've been through a marriage breakup before and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone   How long ago did all of that happen?

I think for now the hardest part for me could be that she's not officially BPD.  It sure does sound like it, and my T has suggested strong BPD traits from my stories.  She certainly is not normal, but sometimes I think maybe it's all in my head, and I actually pushed her away and I'm the one with issues.  I don't think that's true, but I just go a little crazy overthinking things.  Very very confusing times.

[BacknthSaddle]

The worse part is everything that I felt was so happy she has now turned to black and rewritten in her mind.  To me it feels like she died and a massive part of me with her.

I find this to be the most maddening thing in my case. I know my ex was bad for me and feel lucky to have survived the relationship. However, there is something profoundly saddening about the fact that she now acts as if she remembers the r/a differently than I do, that it wasn't serious to her the way it was to me or that I was a nasty, dismissive person rather than the caring, understanding one she made me out to be during the relationship.

Of course, as always, I imagine that the fact that this troubles me so much says far more about me than it does about her. I wonder if others have thoughts on this issue.

[BacknthSaddle]

I'm sorry you've been through all of that.  It sounds horrific   I've been through a marriage breakup before and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone   How long ago did all of that happen?

I think for now the hardest part for me could be that she's not officially BPD.  It sure does sound like it, and my T has suggested strong BPD traits from my stories.  She certainly is not normal, but sometimes I think maybe it's all in my head, and I actually pushed her away and I'm the one with issues.  I don't think that's true, but I just go a little crazy overthinking things.  Very very confusing times.

I struggle with this all the time, and when I do, I remember the words of my therapist: "you don't want to acknowledge her pathology because you don't want to acknowledge our own." It's not just her that has "issues," and it's not just me. It's both of us. The difference that you should recognize, if it's important to you is: you have the ability to se your issues for what they are, and you have the desire to address them.

[Pecator]

I could be walking down the street happy and not a care in my mind... . It's been 2 1/2 months.

Spice, this is the only thing that is not normal... . It is terrific. The rest is completely normal. At 5 months out I have yet to be able to say "I was walking down the street happy and not a care in my mind." The best I have is the other day I was riding my motorcycle and for those moments my anxiety, loneliness, and sadness are kept at bay. I was traveling backroads and suddenly passed a school. It was the school my uBPDex's kids attended. I got triggered. I had to pull over because I started crying.

Now get this, it was an elementary school. Her kids went there years before I ever met her. Even in the good times, I often felt a loss because she had great pics and stories of them as kids. But now, I am grieving a memory that is not even mine.

In the world of BPD even that is normal.

Be kind to yourself and cherish those moments where you are happy and care-free. They are the path to getting through this.