Do they have any control over their rages?

[BlessednFaithful]

After just going through an episode a few moments ago with ex BPD and being called a slur of disgusting names and put downs, I often wonder does he have any control over this?  After 5 years with this man I finally got to the point where most of the time I don't fight back.  I will usually remain calm and quiet while he goes on, and on, and on... .     We have been separated for months, he moved to the other coast of FL but I made the VERY poor decision in letting him stay with me for a few days while he's visiting.  Sometimes I ask myself when will I learn? 

Anyway, listening to him explode over nothing and act like a lunatic, I just sat there wondering does he have any control over what he is doing?  I just cannot imagine sitting there tearing another human being apart and being okay with it. 

[seeking balance]

Anyway, listening to him explode over nothing and act like a lunatic, I just sat there wondering does he have any control over what he is doing?  I just cannot imagine sitting there tearing another human being apart and being okay with it. 

Not really - can he learn the skills, yes.  DBT is about learning how to stay in emotions and make wiser decisions.

He likely does feel shame about it too - which then repeats the cycle of abuse he does to himself.  BPD is a real mental illness.

[jibber]

I think to some degree maybe, i think somehow they realize what they are doing, but maybe it's impossible for them to stop once they went off.

I think they know somehow and feel very ashamed of it, but must also be in denial about it, because the shame is simply too big to somehow aknowledge the whole thing.

In the end i picked up on this myself. I started to join in on the "fun" and adopt her way of fighting and acusing... . I was very ashamed, but somehow lost more and more control over containing myself. Never in my life i fought so ugly and used so many hurtful words... .

I don't think they have much control over it.

Think about it as a very strong self defense mechanism they have deep in their subconciousness. It's very very hard to control those things until you find the root cause and learn to change behaviour when the subconcious buttons are pushed.

I always took it all very personal of course... . It's one of my biggest issues, i am too sensitive and have very high standards i expect people to meet. Nevertheless it hurts and is not ok to be the target of their rages, don't simply accept it. I would physically remove myself from the situation if possible instead of just silently taking it (did this too myself at some stage).

It's funny how deep this cut me, those rages with all the mean and belitteling words. I have devwlopped such a fear about them, i still have dreams about it often... .

Last night i dreamed i was in a store at the counter paying for my things, when she appeared behind me... . She started talking without pause, telling me about her problems and what she wants/needs, etc... . I was so frightened i just looked atthe store clerk behind the registor and told him "please hurry up, i need to get out of here fast"... .

This is not good for our soul to endure these belitteling rages. Be good to yourself.

[arjay]

... . "Re: Do they have any control over their rages?"... .

I find this a very interesting question because I discussed this a length with my T.  My ex was "never" fired from a job, thrown out of an establishment, rejected by friends or even her family, over "raging".  If they could "never" control their rages, they would likely not be employable, have any friends (casual types), etc.  She could be pleasant when she needed to be, and control her emotions too.  Maybe this is the exception.

On the other hand, in "personal relationships" that involved trust, caring, some level of intimacy and so on, the answer was "no".  I had never witnessed before what I did when she was "in the dark zone".

I was told that what can trigger it, is the closeness.  It is their inability to deal with intimate relationships (not superficial or professional ones) that sets them off.  So often everyone is surprised to hear the truth.  "Oh she seemed a little different but was always pleasant to me"... . "Yeah"  (I am thinking) "you should have been here yesterday"... .

So ironically, it was the closeness; the intimacy that could trigger their insecurities and emotions.  As it was explained to me "the closer you get, the greater the likelihood of it triggering all these toxic emotions, abandonment, etc".  No wonder we were all so baffled.  Love and caring were supposed to do the opposite.

Peace

[jibber]

^ This is spot on i think.

[Tincup]

Interesting topic, if the closeness and intimacy triggers their insecurities and emotions (which I agree with).  What about their children?  My ex had late teen/early 20's children.  Do they rationalize that children will never abandon them and never act with them the way she did with me?

[arjay]

Interesting topic, if the closeness and intimacy triggers their insecurities and emotions (which I agree with).  What about their children?  My ex had late teen/early 20's children.  :)o they rationalize that children will never abandon them and never act with them the way she did with me?

Good question and I don't have an answer off the top of my head, because my daughter was my own, and her son was her own.  She DID move to where her son is (after our divorce), and he DID say (when he left) he wanted his own place.  I don't know what will happen over time.  I DO know she has no relationship with her other two sons. You might find more information on the board that deals with kids and family.

Peace

[blissful_camper]

Interesting topic, if the closeness and intimacy triggers their insecurities and emotions (which I agree with).  What about their children?  My ex had late teen/early 20's children.  :)o they rationalize that children will never abandon them and never act with them the way she did with me?

My ex treated his children in similar ways.  I think he did fear that they would abandon him when they grew into adults.  I was good friends with my ex's son (now an adult) and he complained about his father's mistreatment of family members. I witnessed the way that he treated his son, and intervened to stop the abuse.  

[myself]

Different cases, different amounts of control/lack of it. I saw my ex lash out at total strangers, heard about how she acted out at work and could have lost her job, and definitely felt the harshness that came from being too close with her myself. Her original impulses may not have been in her control, but after that? It was empowering (she told me this herself) to use her rage against others, so at times she 100% knew what she was doing.

[Emelie Emelie]

I believe my BF could control his rages... . to a point.  He would scream and yell and say the most vile things... . he'd be seething... . but he never got "physical" with me.  In fact he warned me early on about his rages and said "I'll never lay a hand on you... . " and he didn't.  That's an element of self control.  But the anger... . the horrible abusive things he'd say... . nope, he couldn't control that.  I don't think he even wanted to in the moment.

[goldylamont]

well there's different levels of control. overall they are going to act out if they have this disorder. given a long span of time they are just going to act out so i feel in this case you could say their rages are 'uncontrollable'. meaning they may do this but not want to or later regret it.

in the short term though, i think it depends. the majority of what i see here shows that pwBPD absolutely can control their rages. in the sense that they ensure they are alone with you when they act crazy and can hide it from others... .

simple rule of thumb i think is this -- can *other* people see your SO/ex raging? or is your ex able to hide this from others. if everyone sees that they behave nutty then i would say they can't control it well. if like many here the pwBPD appears normal or even charming/warm/the-opposite-of-abuser then i think it's pretty obvious they know how to control and direct their rages when it's more advantageous for them to vent, no?