Once I realized what I was looking at... . a flood of emotions came rushing in.
Thank you for your honest post, wp. This is where the rubber meets the road for us. The surge of emotion, adrenaline, and shock & awe is astonishing, no matter how hard we've worked.
I have tried to imagine that I am building a holding zone in my heart for times like these. In the past, I'd run from the emotion, repress it, or indulge it.
Now, I'm trying to "hold" it -- I want to sit with the feelings and examine them.
But I know at this very moment I'm in a bit of an emotionally compromised state (having just split up with my GF of 18 months), and have been sort of sitting on my hands waiting to start a new job in a few days - so my mind is sort of bored and, as we all know... . that is never a great state to be in.
So... . I'm not entirely sure how I'm feeling today.
This is very honest and admirable self-reflection. Thank you for sharing.
Part of me says it was nice to see a picture of her. I haven't seen her or spoken with her since late last year. And I had to go out of my way not to go visit her in the hospital and try and focus on my life (which was rough going for some time). Im sure my emotional attachment also played a large part in my split up with my GF. But emotional baggage is difficult to put down.
I know I'm not angry right now. And yes, part of my brain is remembering the "good times" - and yes, part of my brain is telling me that I should have been the one there with her (or she with me) with the big ole smiles. That life I lived with her for all those years... . wasted and gone. So I think I'm a little sad.
Part of me thinks I had been being so strong by going through the detachment process... . building up walls... . trying to deal with my emotions over all of this and then finally letting go. But letting go and forgiving is totally different than still not being hurt over the whole thing.
I'm tired of processing. Think I'll watch some television.
I heard this story in meditation class yesterday:
When a tidal wave of emotion approaches us, our tendency is run or numb or indulge with a story. Unless we train mindfully, we get slammed on the beach. Mindful training -- according to the meditation teacher -- allows us to see the wave, prepare for it, and to dive "through" it just as it threatens to overwhelm us. We end up popping through the other side, swimming.
According to this teacher, it's not about understanding our emotions, it's about feeling them. Just thought I'd share. (I'm still a novice at meditation, but I liked the story).
