how do you deal with excessive drinking ?

[lemon flower]

my uBPD-friend has severe addiction-problems to alcohol, weed, meds (seroquel) and "in between" some additional harddrugs 

it took me almost 6 months but I finally got him to talk to a social assistent from a psychiatric expertise team about his problems.

during this conversation he more or less agreed to get institutionalised for a longer time to detox and re-integrate into society (no words about any BPD-related therapy because he hasn't been officially diagnosed and apparently patients need to be entirely sober for quite some time before they can start any therapy)

this conversation was one month ago and nothing happened yet !

- when he's in a good mood he doesn't see the need of getting institutionalised because "there is no real problem at all, he could quit any time and find a job easily"

- when he's feeling sick and depressed he usually promises that he will make an appointment with the institute but he never does it, I guess the idea of getting sober frightens him too much

meanwhile he's rolling downhill faster and faster. The alcohol is the biggest problem because it is ruining his health; he barely eats anymore and he wakes up sick every morning (vomiting, huge hangovers, ... . )

he already has liver-damage but up till now it's still reversable, if he continues this way he might end up with cirrosis  :'(

anyone here in a similar situation ?

do I have to wait until he drinks himself litterally into the emergency unit of the hospital... .

he's done that before but usually they keep him there for only a very short time, after that he's "released" back in the streets and the cycle starts again... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[arjay]

Greetings.  Yes self medicating is one of the BPD criteria.  It can include drugs, alcohol, etc. and can compound the problem and any associated treatment as they end up having to deal with both - making it more difficult overall.

How are you doing?  Are you taking care of yourself?  Have you considered an AL ANON support group for families/individuals of drinkers?  It is really important that you take good care of yourself and not try to carry all this alone.  

[MissyM]

My dBPDh is a recovering drug and sex addict.  I go to Alanon and another 12 step group, the help in those rooms has been invaluable.  I totally agree with arjay, take care of yourself.

[waverider]

You cant make them do anything, you can only learn to get on with your life and minimize it's consequences on you. Trying to fix them will hurt you the most as you are constantly let down, and you feel like your life is stuck on pause. The resentment will grow until you snap.

I went through this for years, drinking from the moment my partner woke up until pass out. The whole time in denial, took many, many, stays in residential detoxes to get it out of the system, now dry for almost 1 1/2 years. There is also endless addictions and abuses of meds. Only this week she has just come out of a detox until for withdrawing off xanax. Been through the same story with seroquel, oxycodone, codeine, caffeine tabs, valium, anti inflammatories plus others. The core need to medicate their problems away is never addressed, and it just jumps from one method to the next.

Until they rid themselves of delusion and learn to self sooth, all part of dealing with the disorder, this coping mechanism will not be able to be resolved on its own.

In the mean time you have to look after yourself, and not make their stuff yours, otherwise it will ruin your life and delay them from addressing their own issues.

[NewMom]

MissyM,

I have a question:  How do you deal with those former addictions of your dBPDh? Did he have those BEFORE your r/s started or during?  I ask because my dBPDh has those very same problems.  And of course the sex addiction is sth I wouldn't be able to get over as it includes him cheating on me a lot - especially during times of crisis.

I've actually posted most on the Leaving board as he has left me and decided he won't be able to have a relationship with me as he can't accept my values (i.e. not cheating).  I would have tried to be there for him, but he decided it best this way and that is something I must accept and respect (even though he's been trying to get back together, then wants nth to do with me, then wants back, etc).

Can such addictions be "healed"?

[waverider]

Can such addictions be "healed"?

It is probably easier to think that they can be 'managed" so as to not be destructive or acted upon.

An alcoholic will always have problems with drink, and so have to avoid it altogether. A drug addict will become addicted again if they take the drug of choice again. Likewise most BPD recoveries are due to better learned management skills, rather than totally eliminating instinctive thought processes.

I heard once it is much the same way people can learn to conquer their fears. The fear is still there, but they recognize it, accept it, and manage it therefore not interfering with their functioning.

[lemon flower]

I find it utterly frustrating that he gets so less support from the clinical teams.

I understand that each problem needs an individual treatment and that detoxing is the first step before the underlying problem (the BPD) can be worked on but this way he's getting nowhere, this is allready going on for years because the health care is so utterly divided here: alcoholics are separated from other drugaddicts, and psychiatric patients usually go to seperated units as well.

therefore my friend usually ends up with the alcoholics but they never keep him there long enough because of the complexity of his situation and because he usually causes problems when he's there, like freaking out against the nurses :-(

I don't get it since BPD and substance-abuse are so woven together, there must be many people who are stuck in a similar situation... .

btw, thx everyone for your concern towards me, but I'm fine; I am no longer in a r/s with this guy and we're not living together anymore so I can distance myself much better these days :-)

[MissyM]

New Mom, sorry it has taken me so long to reply.  Yes, I believe there is recovery from these multiple addictions.  However, my dBPDh has never had long term sobriety.  He has only recently been diagnosed with BPD and his CSAT (certified sex addict therapist) believes this is the part of the puzzle that was missing.  That being said, I know of others with PDs and multiple addictions that have very good recoveries.  It takes a lot of work and desire to be well, for this to happen.  I highly suggest going to COSA and Alanon, if your spouse has multiple addictions.  Those in COSA are dealing with partners or ex-partners with sex addiction.  It was really a life saver.  PM me if you have any questions.

[NewMom]

Thank you for replying MissyM! My dBPDh has also only been shortly diagnosed (Jan 2014).  He's always dealt with difficult situations by drinking, which means he always drank a lot and mostly during work (he's an entertainer).  Thank you for sugesting COSA.  I will have a look into it.  I've joined a local self-help group here in Europe (I stayed here for my h even though I'm actually an American) and there isn't much else offered for spouses here... .   I can't really see a future for us as a couple if he is unable to work through those two very destructive addiction problems.  The cheating and lying are so hurtful.  And even though I care very deaply for him, I don't know if I can deal with the rollercoaster of walking on eggshells, not doing things that he perceives as "setting him off"... .

[waverider]

I don't know if I can deal with the rollercoaster of walking on eggshells, not doing things that he perceives as "setting him off"... .

Part of our goal here is to avoid having to do this. It is a slow process but we can achieve this. The only reason we are like this is because we allow it to happen and it has become entrenched. Separating his issues from yours.

[MissyM]

New-Mom, you can't walk around on egg shells and try not to set him off.  If he is actively addicted, it exacerbates all of the BPD symptoms.  I don't know if there is COSA in Europe, I know they have SA or SAA for the sex addicts.  There should be Alanon somewhere, that has been really helpful for me.  Sorry you find yourself in another country dealing with all of this.  Hope you have some support.  PM me if you have any questions.

[NewMom]

Thank you MissyM! 

As I'm not living with my h anymore I am "only" attending the self-help group for partners of pwBPD.  And learning how to distance myself from him and his issues one day at a time.  Just a few months ago all I thought I would be able to feel for the rest of my life was pain and hurt.  These past two weeks have been unbelievably uplifting.  Taking myslef and MY feelings seriously has been so eye-opening for me.  Not always easy to deal with oneself but I am so happy to have this chance and to use it to become the person i want to be!

[lemon flower]

The core need to medicate their problems away is never addressed, and it just jumps from one method to the next.

Until they rid themselves of delusion and learn to self sooth, all part of dealing with the disorder, this coping mechanism will not be able to be resolved on its own.

very well said... .

we've got an update to the story; yesterday my friend got an intake to another detoxication clinic and hopefully will get a positive answer soon, this time they promised him he can stay for 6 weeks 

maybe this will give him some time to reflect and come to terms with some of his issues... .

as for me I secretly hope that this time he will get diagnosed properly and receive appropriate help !

[averagegirl]

I'm facing the same issue with addiction.  The most important thing I learned, which I wish I had learned years ago, was that we have to take care of ourselves first.  I started going to AlAnon, which at first I thought would not help, but when I got there and heard the people speak I thought, "Wow, these words are mine."  I was very surprised to find a group of people who experience exactly what I experience.

Much like with BP, I have come to realize I need to work on myself (learn new techniques, new skills, etc) in order to deal with his addiction.  My favorite resource is 101 Quick Tips for Coping With Drug Addiction.  These tips helped me realize that I needed to do the exact opposite of my instinct, both in my own mind and dealing with my partner. 

I refer to this list every single day.  It saves my sanity, and actually makes a difference in him, which is the strangest part.  When I forget the tips and react from my gut, things get much worse for both of us.  The only time he talks about wanting to stop is when I follow the tips.  I've found that the tips work even when he isn't actually using, as I am starting to see that a lot of the BP traits are very similar to the addictive personality traits.

I hope this helps you somewhat.  The most important thing to remember is that we cannot change their actions, we can only change our reactions to their actions to protect our own sanity and live a peaceful life when they are actively using.

[lemon flower]

Much like with BP, I have come to realize I need to work on myself (learn new techniques, new skills, etc) in order to deal with his addiction.  My favorite resource is 101 Quick Tips for Coping With Drug Addiction.  These tips helped me realize that I needed to do the exact opposite of my instinct, both in my own mind and dealing with my partner. 

I refer to this list every single day. 

hello averagegirl,

I googled this list and apparently it is a book, would you know if there are also some similar resources to consult on the internet?

in the case of my friend his addictions (combined with the depression and dysregulations of his BPD) are so strong that they deprive him of "living a life".

most of his days are completely empty, when he has enough weed he's doing nothing but playing video games or watching television and he only moves when he needs new supplies... . or to meet up with me.

I really wonder how he will fill his days if he would start a "sober cycle" !

[waverider]

I really wonder how he will fill his days if he would start a "sober cycle" !

This a big part of rehab. Detox is coming of the drugs, the rest of the time is rebuilding a life, that is the rehab part.

That is where my partner always failed, she did the detox bit, then discharged herself before effective rehab. This left her with a hole in her life where addiction once was, but there was no positive plans to fill that gap, so the hole stayed until the addiction filled it again.