Need some perspective

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I don't know, this is the hardest thing that I ever have to do, especially because she hasn't responded to my goodbye.

Why can't she say goodbye, she's done everything but, why can't she make this easier for me, the silence is killing me.

She wants me in somehow, and my heart yearns for it, but she does everything to push me away.

It's like she knows, she has read it, she is on whatsapp every 5 minutes talking to this guy, but she won't respond.

I wish I never met her, the lies she fed me, the whole god damn lie. How can this happen? How can I be so ruined by someone who doesn't feel anything? No remorse, no grief, no stalling, not even a need to say goodbye or be amicable. How did I not see the monster inside her?

I don't know what I want, I want the upper hand, I want the power back, but how can I compete with someone who can't hold any emotion? It's impossible. She knows this game far better than I, I am but a pawn, she had me at hello.

I did want her back and my heart still mourns her loss, but how can I? After the way she has treated me. I would probably rather run her over right now.

I guess I'm all over the place. Which is pretty much where I have been since the beginning, while she seemingly is having the time of her life, going on dates, but I guess she's not, that is her weakness, her inability to be alone due to all the self loathing and sense of self. It just feels so unfair that I have to indure, while due to her stunted emotional intelligence she can carry on like nothing ever happened, all the while my true, real emotions put me under her thumb because I am a genuine, loving person, something that she led me to believe she was, but was simply the charade, hiding the lie, that she is ultimately an empty, shallow person, that can't maintain relationships.

In the end I have been used and discarded, but I'm not going to lie, 2 months ago I was gonna marry this woman, I still love her, the b___.

[blueman54321]

I don't know, this is the hardest thing that I ever have to do, especially because she hasn't responded to my goodbye.

Why can't she say goodbye, she's done everything but, why can't she make this easier for me, the silence is killing me.

She wants me in somehow, and my heart yearns for it, but she does everything to push me away.

It's like she knows, she has read it, she is on whatsapp every 5 minutes talking to this guy, but she won't respond.

I wish I never met her, the lies she fed me, the whole god damn lie. How can this happen? How can I be so ruined by someone who doesn't feel anything? No remorse, no grief, no stalling, not even a need to say goodbye or be amicable. How did I not see the monster inside her?

I don't know what I want, I want the upper hand, I want the power back, but how can I compete with someone who can't hold any emotion? It's impossible. She knows this game far better than I, I am but a pawn, she had me at hello.

I did want her back and my heart still mourns her loss, but how can I? After the way she has treated me. I would probably rather run her over right now.

I guess I'm all over the place. Which is pretty much where I have been since the beginning, while she seemingly is having the time of her life, going on dates, but I guess she's not, that is her weakness, her inability to be alone due to all the self loathing and sense of self. It just feels so unfair that I have to indure, while due to her stunted emotional intelligence she can carry on like nothing ever happened, all the while my true, real emotions put me under her thumb because I am a genuine, loving person, something that she led me to believe she was, but was simply the charade, hiding the lie, that she is ultimately an empty, shallow person, that can't maintain relationships.

In the end I have been used and discarded, but I'm not going to lie, 2 months ago I was gonna marry this woman, I still love her, the b___.

[blueman54321]

Every minute is difficult tonight.

[bruceli]

I don't know, this is the hardest thing that I ever have to do, especially because she hasn't responded to my goodbye.

Why can't she say goodbye, she's done everything but, why can't she make this easier for me, the silence is killing me.

She wants me in somehow, and my heart yearns for it, but she does everything to push me away.

It's like she knows, she has read it, she is on whatsapp every 5 minutes talking to this guy, but she won't respond.

I wish I never met her, the lies she fed me, the whole god damn lie. How can this happen? How can I be so ruined by someone who doesn't feel anything? No remorse, no grief, no stalling, not even a need to say goodbye or be amicable. How did I not see the monster inside her?

I don't know what I want, I want the upper hand, I want the power back, but how can I compete with someone who can't hold any emotion? It's impossible. She knows this game far better than I, I am but a pawn, she had me at hello.

I did want her back and my heart still mourns her loss, but how can I? After the way she has treated me. I would probably rather run her over right now.

I guess I'm all over the place. Which is pretty much where I have been since the beginning, while she seemingly is having the time of her life, going on dates, but I guess she's not, that is her weakness, her inability to be alone due to all the self loathing and sense of self. It just feels so unfair that I have to indure, while due to her stunted emotional intelligence she can carry on like nothing ever happened, all the while my true, real emotions put me under her thumb because I am a genuine, loving person, something that she led me to believe she was, but was simply the charade, hiding the lie, that she is ultimately an empty, shallow person, that can't maintain relationships.

In the end I have been used and discarded, but I'm not going to lie, 2 months ago I was gonna marry this woman, I still love her, the b___.

Seems like a game to you too.  The only way to win the game is not to play.  She knows she has you... . she indeed has the upper hand.  She can sense you feeding into her Nsupply.

[Xstaticaddict]

First off I totally feel your pain. It's brutal to not understand how someone who said they loved you and you them, could treat you like you don't matter at all.

The biggest thing that helped me move out of that victim head space and worrying about what she felt was when i realized that my emotional state and how i felt was being influenced by something external, and making me crazy, which was something I always hated about my BPDxgf. It's been 6 months now since SHE started NC and it still bothers me sometimes that i can't connect with her in the way that we used to. There were many times i just had to sit with my feelings and accept that I was needy, and eventually i looked at the way i felt and asked myself if I'd be attracted to the way I was acting if I was a healthy person? I had to accept that there wasn't going to be a quick fix to rebuilding my self esteem. Taking responsibility for my own happiness was huge in getting me looking in different places for healing, and trying new things. I took dance lessons. Forced myself to socialize. Got a job. Basically took personal inventory and started to do the hard work.

Here's something to answer for yourself. Your "genuine" love for her even now, seems like a love that has your wants (not needs) as top priority over hers, and is that actual love? Seems to me that if you really loved her, you would want her to have everything she wanted in life and right now that's to have nothing to do with you, and to stay the way she is (unchanged and right) since she likely has no idea how messed up she is. The bigger thing to start thinking about is are you ready to re-define what it means to love yourself and let go of ideas that keep you locked into cycles of misery.

It's a long, painful but rewarding journey. Hang in there it does get better.

Maybe try volunteering some of your time somewhere. That will get you out of the cycle of worrying about how you feel and you'll meet some people that actually value giving to others and have the capacity to nurture. See some selfless love first hand and take notes.

[Narellan]

Blueman54321. They don't say goodbye. That's part of the disorder. There's no closure unless you give it to yourself. They don't say goodbye because it leaves the door open to come back if they feel like it. That's why many here describe it as the worst breakup they've had, and the pain is so overwhelming.

It's a great thing to block her on FB. Well done. I had to deactivate my account. Stop all communication with her. Stop watching her on dating sites. NC . Then you will start to heal and detach. Read through the many resources here for detaching. You will move past the pain and anger you're feeling now. Just know it's a normal part of the process. Feel it. Learn from it. It will keep you in good stead if she ever attempts to recycle.

Big hugs to you. You are not alone in this 

[blueman54321]

I am ready.

I'll use whatever I can to get past this stage, I think I have become angry internally with her to help myself somehow.

I also think about how ___ed up she is really and that she will never be happy, although this may not be true, but is highly likely, I'll use it.

If anger is hate is what I need then it's got to be that way, it's not like it isn't justified anyway, she has truely used and abused me and still is in some silent kind of ___ing pathetic way.

Just pathetic. but then it is a childs way of dealing with things they can't communicate.

[blueman54321]

I sent her an email outlining her recent behaviour.

In BPD context also as well as normal context.

It was firey, blunt and full of rage.

I don't give care how she perceives it. I don't want her back anymore. Or at least at this moment. So I don't give a flying f**k if it triggers her, in fact I hope it does, as it is all correct and truthful.

It helped me vent at the very least. Perhaps self sabotage is what I need, made me feel like I have my balls back anyway.

Tommorrow is another day though, I may feel completely different, but one day at a time I guess.

[Narellan]

Anger is normal in dealing with the pain. I wish I had a bit more anger, mostly I've got sadness and empathy. You will have good and bad days, but don't forget the pain she's caused. Somehow that dulls with time, and you just move on. One foot in front of the other.

Keep posting! It's the most therapeutic thing I've found.

[blueman54321]

I got a new job, 2nd day in now. This has helped me take my mind off of her during the day but when I get back the evening are hard.

I'm the crazy ex again. sigh.

My car is broken down so needs to go to the garage tommorrow, which is a shame because I find driving helps me escape this environment where we shared so much.

[blueman54321]

God this is so difficult, I've already looked at her facebook

[blueman54321]

Fighting the urge to text her.

[blueman54321]

I think I've lost her to be honest. Forever.

This should be what I want, but it's not.

I feel weak.

I texted her, I didn't last long. She's probably out boning some other guy right now.

I don't know where I am with this anymore.

[Narellan]

Hey blueman54321 you're struggling today. I've just had a couple of days like that.

I reactivated FB in the middle of the night. Mostly to check my ex best friends posts because my exBPD has defriended me now so I can't see much on his. But I did see they are no longer friends on FB. And that gave me a lift for some reason. It was continually hurting me that they were talking behind my back. Well, now she's off the pedestal by the looks of it! I deactivated again, but it helped me this time to see things are already turning sour between them.

Makes no difference to my circumstances but it doesn't hurt as much.

I'm preparing myself for a recycle now.

Really need to stay NC.

[blueman54321]

Hi Narellan,

I know that feeling, when the replacement goes sour, it is only a matter of time. I've been through that a lot in the past 6 weeks and it is satisfying, I think it validates the fact that they move on so quickly and latch onto another because they cannot deal with loss but deep down it's their.

I wish my ex gave me a chance to recycle, at least sometimes, I have been trying to think but the bad times have been popping up in my mind for the last half hour, and I realise that from the beginning she had problems and they are still there and will affect her next RS, probably quicker and worse than it did ours as she was in love with me.

I have no idea what she's doing, but the thing I'm sure about is that she's doing it with some other sucker, this weekend. I am jealous yes, and hurt, but that's only natural. She is making the mistake, I just have to get past it and get a better relationship, someone more deserving, when I feel deserving myself, which could take some time, but perhaps that's all I ever needed.

[Narellan]

I think unrequited love is the worst pain. If they had died you probably eventually come to terms with it. But when someone you love leaves, there is ongoing pain because you see them happy with someone else. And the pain lessons but it still goes on whenever we bump into them ( or see them in our face on social media) it really does hurt.

In time we care less. I'm getting over the pain of imagining him with someone else now. ( 10 weeks NC) it still hurts but doesn't overwhelm me. I'm starting to detach. But with BPD it's worse because they can come back at any time, and undo all the progress we've made.

Recycling is just prolonging the pain.

If you read people's stories the more you recycle the more damaging the r/s gets. It's worse each time. I've had 4 recycles. Never again.

I've learned too much about the disorder now, and the pain of the last split nearly killed me.

[goldylamont]

you've repeatedly contacted her against her wishes and haven't respected her boundaries. regardless of how you feel about the situation i think you should own up to this. if you're not careful she could get other people or law enforcement involved and you've given her plenty of evidence to use and twist this into you being the stalker-ish ex boyfriend.

i never called my ex any names and definitely never left a paper trail of doing so with texts or emails. maybe (hopefully) you haven't gone this far yet but seems like where things are headed. the guy she started seeing after me had similar behavior to yours--very codependent and needing to be in constant contact with her. she told me she felt suffocated and this made her like him less. when she did show him who she really was and he finally dropped his nice-guy act he cut loose and sent texts calling her every foul name you could think. i heard about it and thought it was funny, partly b/c she deserved it and partly b/c i realized i had much more at stake than this guy and i handled things much better than he. but also felt bad for him, she played him hard. she showed the messages to people and laughed at him openly, thus enjoying his pain and making him out to be the crazy one. it's often guys who try to be too nice and claim 'forgiveness' and 'understanding' who can't control themselves well when they realize that playing nice not only isn't effective at getting them what they want, but actually leaves them open for more abuse. coming to this realization all the anger they acted like they didn't have explodes and they embarrass themselves. i want to save you from this, but really it's your choice.

there's the pwBPD and all of the terrible issues stemming from this. but there is also your own behavior in this situation that has to be questioned. at some point blueman you have to ask yourself why you cannot stop contacting her and take steps to repair these parts of yourself. nothing is wrong with the pain/anger you have, this is normal. but i feel like you repeatedly 'giving her a piece of your mind' is not only ineffective but indicative of some issues you may want to address.

[blueman54321]

The behaviour of mine is because she contacts me, then drops me like nothing when she picks up someone else.

I admit I am part of this dance, but that's because I have feelings that entrap me.

That is why we are all here.

Imagine you found someone who not only said you were her all, and wanted to spend the rest of time together, but you felt the same way, and after 4 and a half years, she drops you, in an instant, without provocation, she lies to you, saying she isn't getting with anyone else, but has from day 1.

I am responsible for my actions yes, and that may be causing me pain and causing me to react in some negative ways.

I am not a nice, needy guy, before I met her I never ever needed anyone. But love is love, it drives us, I found love, I found the one, and I refused to let that walk away, all is fair in love and war. At least until now.

I am not scared of any paper trail or anything like that because I know she is enjoying this in some way, playing the victim, she likes the attention and she likes the 'backup' plan.

Maybe I should be, but it really, she knows deep down she is the one wronging me, because she is still constantly lieing to me for no reason whatsoever, she is keeping me enmeshed.

I told her I'm taking back my balls now and haven't contacted her. I have wanted to. But I believe she is gone now anyway, probably will never look back, and left a damaged kind hearted person in her wake.

As for her boundaries, she is the queen of overstepping boundaries. This is all victimisation and when and if the need suits her she will contact me again.

I am trying, this is a very difficult sitauation for me, and it takes time. I mess up yeah, I miss her, she misses me too, when she is not idealising someone.

I don't play nice by the way, I don't play anything, I am just me. And I guess I'm easy for her to play to as she knows me so well.

[Xstaticaddict]

Imagine you found someone who not only said you were her all, and wanted to spend the rest of time together, but you felt the same way, and after 4 and a half years, she drops you, in an instant, without provocation, she lies to you, saying she isn't getting with anyone else, but has from day 1.

We don't have to imagine, ours did the exact same thing. Mine was after 6 years. I had built up a desperate need to hang on to her while at the same time knowing deep down that people shouldn't live with this level of uneasiness, stress and constant struggle to convince someone that says they love you that they need to show it with actual loving nurturing behaviors.

I recently heard my ex has been asking her kids what kind of boyfriend she should get next. Like she's shopping for an accessory, and that's all we are. A part of their image, and a player in their drama.

Once you get it, you won't participate at all, even then it'll still hurt, but truly living with that hurt without feeling like she needs to know about it will be a sign that you're getting better. If you don't start doing this you're going to feel this way for a long time.

[Infared]

Well, we have been talking a lot and she said she misses me, even said she'd thought of getting back together but then "mmm nah" was her response... .

Why say that in the first place.

And then goes on to say she's going back on the dating site.

Is she testing me? Trying to hurt me?

Need some perspective, I seem to have forgotten why this girl is bad for me and how she ripped out my heart less than 2 months ago.

I seem to be going backwards at the moment.

You said she ripped your heart out two months ago... . do you see she is doing that to you right now? "Mmmmm nah". Says she is going on a dating site. That sounds like pure TORTURE!

There is no love there. (You asked for perspective).

You may want to consider NC. Then you can grieve and heal without the abuse.

Not easy to do, but healthy.

Mine said: "I promise I will NEVER hurt you". No woman ever said that to me an no woman ever betrayed me and abandoned me to run off with her new squeeze after living together for 5 years.

I had to go NC because the things that were coming out of her mouth were cold, cruel and a pack of lies.   It was excruciating.

[blueman54321]

Mine said: "I promise I will NEVER hurt you".

Mine said almost exactly those words, like 4 years ago, she said "I'm scared I'll hurt you" I found that very odd at the time, maybe she knows that she ends up hurting people.

She also said those exact same words plenty of times after that.

"I will never hurt you" "promise you wont hurt me" etc

I never hurt her. I think she thought I was going to and detached and ran.

Ironically, I was going to marry her...

She ended up hurting me more than I could every imagine.

I'm I still miss her a lot, but somewhere I've given up. Hope is fading, and being replaced by negativity and depression.

We have been no contact for a few days now. I have given in a few times but she hasn't responded. I have been largely OK but yeah depressed.

The thought of never seeing her again is so heavy, I feel like I'm going to sink into the center of the earth.

The thought of her being with someone else, makes me full of jealous rage.

The thought of her ignoring me and being completely unaffected makes me sad to the core.

The thought of getting back with her, I just feel kind of broken about, like because what she has done on top of who she actually is means that it would take an incredible amount of energy to put right. But it is very unlikely to happen anyway. At this point I don't think I'll ever hear from her again.

She is doing whatever she wants, she has from the beginning of this with no regard for my feelings (although sometimes I think she goes cold on me when she finds a new affair to shield me, but then I think, no, she's just doing that because she's pathetic and is either keeping my enmeshed, perhaps subconsciously or is so emotionally immature that's the only way she knows how to deal with it, probably both).

I have a long way to go, I know that.

Sometimes I just sit here and I just want to hold her hand, kiss her and hug her, like we would do every day. I just want that so bad, that moment of intimacy, one last time even, I loved her deeply, despite everything.

I can feel my feelings for her waning, and although that's good for my healing, I don't actually want that. I don't want to give up on her, I don't want those feelings to go, they were special to me, she was special. I guess time heals whether we like it or not.

I had a date with a girl yesterday, she is very pretty, prettier than my ex most would say, but I blew it off, as it approached I realised I wasn't ready for anything, and I'm just lonely, missing the intimacy, missing her. And my self esteem is blown out.

I hate her for that, I hate her for the time I'm going to need to get to that point again, I think 2 years at this rate, that's an honest estimation. And I don't know if my heart will ever be back to what it was, she has scorned my heart, possible forever. And I hate that she seemingly is not affected.

What a terrible world, when a person can give someone everything, all the love and affection and intimacy, and somehow it turns out not to be real and is used and discarded. Before I found love, it didn't bother me, now it seems to be my whole world, my whole direction, it has become so important to me to have another person to share my life with, to love, and to be loved. Next time around though, I will be in a better place, to know what I want, and for it to be mutual, real and substantial, with boundaries and respect.

I cannot go through this again in my life, loving someone to the ends of time, but being alone, in the dark, rejected and discarded.

[Narellan]

Mine said exactly that " I promise ill never hurt you" and I believe he really meant that at the time. I don't believe he consciously set out to hurt me.

But he did. I've never known pain like it. I believe he feels great shame that he hurt me.

[blueman54321]

Mine said exactly that " I promise ill never hurt you" and I believe he really meant that at the time. I don't believe he consciously set out to hurt me.

But he did. I've never known pain like it. I believe he feels great shame that he hurt me.

Yes, shame and guilt that they can't process and choose to bury and run from, like children.

[Infared]

Blueman "I promise I will never hurt you" is a lot different than "I'm scared I'll hurt ".

When my exBPD said "I promise I will never hurt you", she said it in an extremely warm, sweet and sincere moment. it touched my heart and put me at ease and in a safe place.

"I'm scared I'll hurt you" on the other hand would have instilled fear in me!... . it means exactly the opposite. No?

I agree with Narellan though, I think my ex meant what she said at the time.  I keep thinking of her in terms of her being a normal rational person, but she isn't... . so that just set me up for expectations that was a painful waste of my time and faithful trusting heart.

The whole situation with these relationships is so heartbreaking and frustrating.

I do not believe mine felt anything about me (yes... the pain I had I would wish on no one.)

... she was running off to her new exciting manipulation... . she just wanted me out of the picture as quickly as possible. I do not think BPD's are truly capable of feeling empathy.

[Infared]

Mine said exactly that " I promise ill never hurt you" and I believe he really meant that at the time. I don't believe he consciously set out to hurt me.

But he did. I've never known pain like it. I believe he feels great shame that he hurt me.

Yes, shame and guilt that they can't process and choose to bury and run from, like children.

Extremely childlike.  It can be endearing, or totally horrible!  Right?

[blueman54321]

Yep, 2 sides of the same sword, one to entrap, and one to inflict.

[blueman54321]

She has completely flipped into someone else now, her style of clothes/music and attached to a small group of friends she had who she ubruptly left and hasn't spoken to for 5 years.

I want to talk to her so badly .

F**K this is so hard.

Still can't believe I mean so little to her.

[Infared]

Blueman... . you are suffering... . we all have... it is an internal pain like no other that I have experienced in my life., and I am sure it is the same for you... . I had what I thought was this yearning love for this person, (in retrospect in may have been only my own neediness. I will never know),  ... but she flipped a switch and turned into someone that I did not know.  A person can only do that if they utterly have no sense of themselves.  If your pwBPD is like mine was, if you contact her you will do nothing but empower her (sick as sick can be) and she will appear to be getting enjoyment from your suffering.

It would be much better for you to go total NC.  You will preserve some self esteem and be totally loving you, which is all you have right now. You can do this. Keep your power.

Treat it like a death and be in the grieving process... . it is so twisted, because she is still there, and not dead which is what makes this so difficult, but if you grieve the loss you are moving forward even though it doesn't feel like it.

[blueman54321]

I don't think I want to move forward.

I want her back.

This has been a hard weekend.

I feel like I just want her back now, every cell of me, I wish I handled everything differently, we would of still been together.

I long for her, deeply.

She was my only exception.

So utterly heartbroken right now, she has airbrushed from her life. It was us against the world, we relied on each other and loved each other, now it means nothing, like it never existed to her.

[blueman54321]

Why do I have to be so strong, I feel like breaking down and crying but I can't seem to cry, I want to but I cant.

I am stuck, all I feel is hurt and sadness. I just want to communicate with her but I can't now.

Such a hard thing to do, so terrifying. I think I've lost her forever.

[blueman54321]

feeling realy down and depressed, wrote an email and sent it, she's completely gone now, I can feel it. She'll never even talk to me, why would she? She's switched off, has no feelings or compassion or guilt or shame.

Why would she even explain herself. When she can embroil herself in her new man.

I am nothing.

I don't know why I wrote it, I guess I just hope she reads it and at least a tiny heart string might pull for a second.

I guess I'm clinging on still. I find nights are hard, very hard. And I still constantly think about what she is doing at night, I miss her terribly. I do.

My shining star in the darkness.

"

I look into your eyes A* and I feel a heavy suffocating feeling envelope my heart.

Knowing you are gone, forever, knowing you don't even think of me, or somehow even feel of me.

Knowing I'll never hug you again.

We'll never talk again.

Loss.

My one.

My dear A*.

Gone.

My dear A*.

Ily more than anyone ever will.

2 months and a life time apart.

Deep down you must feel.

Deep down you must yearn.

I can't be alone.

Distract, but in the times of solace, I was your one. In your deepest dreams I will be there.

Eternal.

I love you more than life itself.

I love you more than love itself.

I love you.

I love.

You.

"