20 years and six kids later... so much good, but the bad is unbearable

[Indymomofsix]

Hi!

So glad to have found this site. I am posting in this one and the "staying" group.  That shows you how confused I am!  I have been married to BPD man for 19 years.  We have six children ages 23-10.  He is the best of men and the worst of men.  We have been through counseling and 3 different churches over the last 23 years.  He always seems to convince everyone that I am the problem, or at least half the problem.  He had been diagnosed bi-polar 30 years ago, but stopped taking meds 20 years ago.  He is a very bright and charming man.  He has alot to offer as a husband and father, and when the kids were younger and I was a stay at home mom, we had conflict, but he didn't have the abondonment issues he does now that the kids are being more social and I am working out of the home. 

He was diagnosed as having BPD 3 years ago when I filed for separation.  I dismissed it because I thought that he was bi-polar and the doctor was blaming me for leaving him.  He was put on a low dose of lexapro, and it seemed to make him worse.  He had to leave our home because when I filed, he assaulted me by spitting on me, shaking me and calling me names.  He is normally not agressive, mostly passive aggressive, trying to get me to lose it.

I finally let him come home fter he threatened suicide.  Now three years later, I left this time, a year ago, to keep the family more stable, and the kids are going back and forth.  Someonerecommended the book on PBD and I was amazed.  I have thought of him as Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde for years.  I am starting to see that there may be hope for us if I understand why behaves the way he does.  Some of the coping mechanisms seem to be on point. 

I want us to be a family again, and I want so badly to have hope.  I don't know how to approach my husband, as it seems every time, I initiate a "talk". It ends in disaster.  He has agreed to to go to Celebration Recovery to the Anger group.  They deal with childhood wounds, which is probably the source of his BPD. I believe he was sexually abused by a cousi who was killed at age 16, and has conflicted feelings because he also loved him very much and may have been the only affection that he received as a child.

I want to be a loving and supportive wife.  I have had to draw boundaries and detach from my husband and he feels abandoned by me.  Although he only can express that in anger.

Any suggestions will be appreciated!

Thanks!

[Fanie]

I really feel with you

We have 2 kids and I thought that I was emotionally stable

Unfortunately it not easy... .

Keep reading on the boards

Keep posting  ... . we are family ... .

It helps to talk ... .

We are in the same boat ... .

May God Bless !