An innocent victim

[kba1969]

This relationship with xBPD girlfriend has been hard to recognize.  So many things I loved about the relationship are crumbling between the pages of books on BPD.  Noticing my daughter (9) and her role in this has given me much pain.  She has seen my emotions and feels many of them herself.  She misses her friend as much as I do but obviously she doesn't know what really happened.  It makes me so angry that my X could use both of us as supply.  They used to play together and had so much fun, my daughter would take any chance she got to spend time with her.  I'm really proud of my daughter, she is very aware of what is going on with me emotionally.  She drew a picture last night of a rabbit (much like what my x and her used to draw).  On the back it said... . ":)ear Daddy I love you so much.  I'm sososo sorry!  About (name)  I really miss (name).  Hope you will be ok".  I will look at this picture to remember the pain that has been inflicted on us.  When I look at the picture I also recognize that my daughter is more in tune with my feelings than my X!  I can't believe that someone could manipulate, even a child!  It's so hard when you are asked if she loved them.  I reply with a yes but it's really hard for me.  My daughter is a blessing, I couldn't do this without her

[rougeetnoir]

Hi kba, I understand the emotion that is going through your post quite well.  I feel the same way, except my ex used my relationship with her son to blackmail me emotionally and it is undoubtedly a big part of why I am feeling stuck.  I miss him everyday.  We'd play together, have Saturday night "guy's nights" (with mac and cheese and a dance party), and so on. The two last times he saw me while I was moving out his face brightened with joy that I can't explain... . But in the end none of that mattered.  When she was in her most anxious or deeply off (troubles with school, etc), I would ask her to get help, "If not for me than for her son... . " She didn't care. I was the problem. 

That someone could care that little, ultimately, for something that is pretty innocent and pretty naive, is tough to take.  At least your daughter is there and you guys can get through it together.  I hope you guys can talk through your emotions together.  If you approach it in a grown up and open manner with her, I imagine that it is an experience that will ultimately make her a stronger person.

[bunnyrabit]

I didn't even read the thread but you're not an innocent victim. There's millions of women out there, why must you per se have the worst of them?

[arjay]

Our stories seem nearly identical.  In so many details.

In the middle of all my own personal grief, I had to somehow show internal strength, be a father and help my daughter (8 at the time)to not only understand at an "age appropriate level", but for her to not try to be the parent either.  We as parents need to insure we are not leaning on them, but instead are showing the strength for them to do exactly that.  After all they are kids and simply want to know we are "ok".

I realized from all that I been through, I was equally at a pivotal point of either leaving my daughter a powerful and healthy lesson in life, or in shaping her life in a way that would cause her misery in her adult life.

Almost like yesterday I remember sitting at dinner with her and her crying and asking me "why she left".  I smiled and told her "sometimes when we are not well inside we need to get help and that is what nobody can do for her but herself".  "For you and me,  it was like having to go to the doctor not wanting to get a shot, but knowing it will help us to be better.  Her leaving would make us better"

":)addy I understand"... . (Yes for once in the disaster of the relationship, I found my strength and wisdom.)


I brought this BPD into my life and into my daughter's life.  I created the mess and I had to clean it up.  I am grateful beyond words that my D came through stronger than I ever was at her age (15 now).  I am grateful for stepping up as a Dad in the middle of this too.  We are our daughters first boyfriend and what they see in us in those moments will be remembered always.

Peace to you

[kba1969]

Thank you Rougeetnoir, and I'm sorry for what your coping with.  You made me smile when you mentioned your ":)ance Party".  We did that with my X too, complete with disco ball!  Lol!  We do openly talk about her, I leave out details but we talk.  I don't bring it up but if my daughter does, I listen and tell her that we have the same feelings.  I do feel, and hope, that she will develop something positive from this.  I'm getting myself together which is helping her a lot!  She wants me to be happy and I tell her that I couldn't do it without her.  Take care and thanks again!

Thank you arjay, that is promising

[rougeetnoir]

Well, I often told my ex's six year old that dancing it out was the best solution... . Maybe you and your daughter need a dance party!

[Cardinals in Flight]

I didn't even read the thread but you're not an innocent victim. There's millions of women out there, why must you per se have the worst of them?

Maybe we aren't innocent, but the children left in the wake through no fault of their own certainly are.

CiG