Why I am still hooked.

[LettingGo14]

When I found this community, I was a wreck.  I felt so alone, so emptied, and so emotionally distressed.  The path to today involves incredible support from this community, and I feel so grateful.   I have accomplished the following:

1. Let go of the idea that I could have "fixed" the relationship, or her.  The information about BPD allowed me to do that.

2. Let go of blaming anyone.  Anger toward her kept me stuck.  I let go of the anger.

3. Learned to sit with difficult emotions like fear, grief, jealousy, and shame.  I don't always go "through" but I can "hold" rather than numb or repress.

That said, I'm still "hooked" on my ex-girlfriend (or, at least, the idea of her) and I'm exploring "why."  Here's what I've found so far.

In this relationship, there were many ways I "abandoned" myself.  In fact, I think it is the self-abandonment that remains the source of much of my pain.

I made her a huge source of my happiness, lovability, self-worth and vitality.

When it blew up I judged myself ruthlessly, and took her abandonment, rejection and replacement of me personally.   I begged her to come back to give me what I did not give myself. 

It's hard to admit this.  It's painful, especially when I think of her with someone else now.   

But this pain is going to mean something to me.  So, for now, I'm okay being hooked still.  Because it's a road back to myself.   I saw a great quote the other day:   "Enlightenment is the ego's ultimate disappointment" (CT Rinpoche).   Whatever "false" self I created is gone.   Now I am left with me.   And that's the lesson I'm learning.

[talithacumi]

"Wherever you go ... . there you are." - Buckaroo Bonzai

So much resonance for me in your post, LettingGo. 3+ years out of the relationship/1+ year NC. Still think of my expwBPD every day. Still experiencing/processing all the emotions those thoughts elicit. Have learned, and am continuing to learn a lot about myself. Some excruciatingly painful things, to be sure (oh, that seemingly endless void inside!). But some exquisitely wonderful, sometimes surprising (to me, anyway), and immensely reassuring things as well though.

The very best things for me have come from realizing that - as much as feelings aren't fact for my expwBPD - they aren't for me either - especially when it comes to who and what kind of person I am. I'm starting to step back from how I feel about myself - all those truly petty, selfish, weak, mean, cruel, vindictive things I've felt/thought that, in my own head, have always defined me as fundamentally flawed and truly undeserving of acceptance/love - in order to look at what I've actually done - to define myself in that way - much the same as we're asked, on this board, to do when looking at our exes - for much the same reason, but with a much different - although equally, if not actually more significant overall effect on my own recovery/healing.

Having all that emptiness inside that you needed/wanted/expected others to fill only marks you as one of many people who were told/taught/trained to give that power to someone else instead of taking/embracing it for yourself.

I don't see what happened to me with my ex being some kind of "gift" of pain that's opened the door to my past so I can finally heal/grow. Doing so completely ignores, dismisses, and invalidates the excruciating pain, confusion, and abject fear I experienced as a direct result of my relationship with him ending the way it did. I feel like I got pushed off a cliff by someone I loved/trusted and lay for months in the darkness at the bottom - completely twisted, broken, and bleeding - while he continued to pitch rocks over the side, telling me how much he still loved/cared about me, until I finally stopped calling his name altogether so he couldn't get a read on my location anymore.

To the extent I'm able to look back now/tell myself my healthy/yearning/innerchild subconscious was simply on a very circuitous hairpin path intended to hopefully someday lead me to the bottom of this cliff where so much discovery/healing could finally take place - then - yes - I guess I can call what he did a definite shortcut - but, I gotta say, sitting here now, I just really don't feel like he did me any real favor by shoving me off when/how he did in the first place.

But, like you, here's where I found myself. Here's where I am. No doubt about it. Left alone. Left with just myself to pick up the pieces, and figure out where I go next. But, here's the key: I, like you, am doing that.

You are what you do, LettingGo. Think about - really sit with what that means for a while - and you might just find that, left with just yourself, you're actually left with someone whose strength, stamina, perseverance, honesty, humility, compassion, empathy, intelligence, and loyalty make for the kind of company you've always needed, wanted, missed, looked for, and haven't really found.

Then, ask yourself this: how long has it been since you've had any kind of real interaction with your ex anyway - and - how much of the interaction you continue to have with her in your own head is just your way of having someone there to trigger/process these feelings for yourself? How much does the ex in your head even remotely resemble the person your ex actually is? My guess is very little - because if your ex was/could be the person she is in your head - well - there'd be no need to create the version of her with whom you have/are still so actively relating in this way.

Where you are right now doesn't have to be about something as essentially shame-based as "being hooked." It can also be about your brain finding ways of safely/effectively working through all the very intense, painful, contradictory, confusing, and otherwise really frightening things you're feeling. It can be about recognizing how creative, adaptable, and wise you actually are in this way. It can be about appreciating and giving yourself credit for how good you are at this. It can be about establishing/deepening your ability to trust yourself as you recover, heal, and continue on the path you were walking before you got pushed.

Because, even if that path was intended/would have eventually led you to this place - it most certainly wasn't intended to stop here. Here was just the place that made the rest everything you always knew, in your heart, it was supposed to/really could be.

You are in better hands just being left with yourself than you know.  

[LettingGo14]

You are what you do, LettingGo. Think about - really sit with what that means for a while - and you might just find that, left with just yourself, you're actually left with someone whose strength, stamina, perseverance, honesty, humility, compassion, empathy, intelligence, and loyalty make for the kind of company you've always needed, wanted, missed, looked for, and haven't really found.

Then, ask yourself this: how long has it been since you've had any kind of real interaction with your ex anyway - and - how much of the interaction you continue to have with her in your own head is just your way of having someone there to trigger/process these feelings for yourself? How much does the ex in your head even remotely resemble the person your ex actually is? My guess is very little - because if your ex was/could be the person she is in your head - well - there'd be no need to create the version of her with whom you have/are still so actively relating in this way.

Where you are right now doesn't have to be about something as essentially shame-based as "being hooked." It can also be about your brain finding ways of safely/effectively working through all the very intense, painful, contradictory, confusing, and otherwise really frightening things you're feeling. It can be about recognizing how creative, adaptable, and wise you actually are in this way. It can be about appreciating and giving yourself credit for how good you are at this. It can be about establishing/deepening your ability to trust yourself as you recover, heal, and continue on the path you were walking before you got pushed.

Because, even if that path was intended/would have eventually led you to this place - it most certainly wasn't intended to stop here. Here was just the place that made the rest everything you always knew, in your heart, it was supposed to/really could be.

You are in better hands just being left with yourself than you know.  

Thank you for your thoughtful, insightful, and generous posting, talithacumi.   I very much appreciate your reflection and self-awareness.  

This trauma has awakened me.  And I am grateful for it, because it has led me back to myself and inspired a new way of thinking about life and how to live it.

Your words are a gift.  Thank you.

PS - Here's a great article about facing trauma:  www.nytimes.com/2013/08/04/opinion/sunday/the-trauma-of-being-alive.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

The author ends with this:  "The willingness to face traumas — be they large, small, primitive or fresh — is the key to healing from them. They may never disappear in the way we think they should, but maybe they don’t need to. Trauma is an ineradicable aspect of life. We are human as a result of it, not in spite of it."

[Lucky Jim]

Hey LG14,

When it blew up I judged myself ruthlessly, and took her abandonment, rejection and replacement of me personally.

Those w/BPD are experts at avoiding responsibility and foisting it upon others, in my view.  Certainly I took it personally, too, when it all came unglued.  Carrying all the blame for the pwBPD, however, is unhealthy and more than one need shoulder.  Maybe it's time to forgive yourself and accept that you were not the SOLE cause of the b/u.  You had a lot of help in that regard.

Having said that, maybe you will reach a point when you can be grateful that you have been replaced, because you are out of the toxic soup and on a better path, whereas your replacement is in the thick of the BPD drama and craziness.  At that point, I would suggest, you will no longer be "hooked."  I think you'll get there!

LuckyJim

[LettingGo14]

I think you'll get there!

Thank you LuckyJim.  Everything is my teacher now.  I am on the right path, and I'm glad you are here as well.

[Cimbaruns]

Talithacumi

"I don't see what happened with me with my ex being some kind of "gift" of pain... . "

This so resonates with me and I think it's something I'd been thinking about for quite some time.

It ... . doesn't ... . dismiss all the pain and trauma that the relationship and it's end brought to me.

I believe it was easy for me ... . especially early on after the breakup... . to use this as a way to process everything that happened... . when in reality it wasn't a gift and to think of it that way doesn't make sense to me now.

I am almost 5 months out and things are still very raw but I can feel that slow progress is being made ... .

So much of your post makes sense and I will re read as a reminder that ... .

I am here at this place on my journey... . yes I took some different paths... . but non the less... . here I am... . just me

Here's to looking ahead... . and continuing to walk on

Thanks for giving me a little more strength to continue

Peace 

[Tincup]

LettingGo-I am right with you 100%.  What I have slowly come to realize is how much better off I am without her in my life.  I am becoming happy and more comfortable with myself.  I think part of my issue for taking her blame so personally is that I was not very comfortable with myself.  Slowly that is all changing, and I am becoming happy again for the first time in a long time.  Self reflection is SUCH a valuable gift.

[seeking balance]

Ditto LettingGo on the opening post.

What I have learned in not being hooked now - time combined with consciously moving forward and letting emotions be felt and let go - but the idea of TIME is really what panics us all the most and it is the ingredient that gives the most flavor or dissolves that "hook".

I think it was livednlearned who posted something to the effect that staying mindful is easier when we give ourselves the permission to slow down.  For me, this really was true - slowing down, being in the moment in a weird way took the "time" fear away.

Regarding, "gift of pain" - I watched one of the best TED talks on this last night (this is a good one, really good).

www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_how_the_worst_moments_in_our_lives_make_us_who_we_are

Cheers,

SB

[LettingGo14]

www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_how_the_worst_moments_in_our_lives_make_us_who_we_are

Cheers,

SB

Wow, seekingbalance.  That was powerful.  Thank you for sharing.

[fromheeltoheal]

www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_how_the_worst_moments_in_our_lives_make_us_who_we_are

Cheers,

SB

Wow, seekingbalance.  That was powerful.  Thank you for sharing.

Yep, reframing our experiences and solidifying them into an identity, a solid reframe in itself, told by someone very emotionally engaging.  Thanks SB.

Sidebar:  today is her birthday, and I forgot.  I FORGOT!  I used to send her flowers a lot, and I got an email from FTD florists today, suggesting I spend money on them and send her flowers for her birthday.  First, it was a little weird seeing her name on spam, but then it struck me: I'd forgotten!  That made me really happy, and it's a little related to this thread LettingGo, so I don't feel like much of a hijacker, and celebrate I will.  Carry on... .

[Cardinals in Flight]

"Wherever you go ... . there you are." - Buckaroo Bonzai

So much resonance for me in your post, LettingGo. 3+ years out of the relationship/1+ year NC. Still think of my expwBPD every day. Still experiencing/processing all the emotions those thoughts elicit. Have learned, and am continuing to learn a lot about myself. Some excruciatingly painful things, to be sure (oh, that seemingly endless void inside!). But some exquisitely wonderful, sometimes surprising (to me, anyway), and immensely reassuring things as well though.

The very best things for me have come from realizing that - as much as feelings aren't fact for my expwBPD - they aren't for me either - especially when it comes to who and what kind of person I am. I'm starting to step back from how I feel about myself - all those truly petty, selfish, weak, mean, cruel, vindictive things I've felt/thought that, in my own head, have always defined me as fundamentally flawed and truly undeserving of acceptance/love - in order to look at what I've actually done - to define myself in that way - much the same as we're asked, on this board, to do when looking at our exes - for much the same reason, but with a much different - although equally, if not actually more significant overall effect on my own recovery/healing.

Having all that emptiness inside that you needed/wanted/expected others to fill only marks you as one of many people who were told/taught/trained to give that power to someone else instead of taking/embracing it for yourself.

I don't see what happened to me with my ex being some kind of "gift" of pain that's opened the door to my past so I can finally heal/grow. Doing so completely ignores, dismisses, and invalidates the excruciating pain, confusion, and abject fear I experienced as a direct result of my relationship with him ending the way it did. I feel like I got pushed off a cliff by someone I loved/trusted and lay for months in the darkness at the bottom - completely twisted, broken, and bleeding - while he continued to pitch rocks over the side, telling me how much he still loved/cared about me, until I finally stopped calling his name altogether so he couldn't get a read on my location anymore.

To the extent I'm able to look back now/tell myself my healthy/yearning/innerchild subconscious was simply on a very circuitous hairpin path intended to hopefully someday lead me to the bottom of this cliff where so much discovery/healing could finally take place - then - yes - I guess I can call what he did a definite shortcut - but, I gotta say, sitting here now, I just really don't feel like he did me any real favor by shoving me off when/how he did in the first place.

But, like you, here's where I found myself. Here's where I am. No doubt about it. Left alone. Left with just myself to pick up the pieces, and figure out where I go next. But, here's the key: I, like you, am doing that.

You are what you do, LettingGo. Think about - really sit with what that means for a while - and you might just find that, left with just yourself, you're actually left with someone whose strength, stamina, perseverance, honesty, humility, compassion, empathy, intelligence, and loyalty make for the kind of company you've always needed, wanted, missed, looked for, and haven't really found.

Then, ask yourself this: how long has it been since you've had any kind of real interaction with your ex anyway - and - how much of the interaction you continue to have with her in your own head is just your way of having someone there to trigger/process these feelings for yourself? How much does the ex in your head even remotely resemble the person your ex actually is? My guess is very little - because if your ex was/could be the person she is in your head - well - there'd be no need to create the version of her with whom you have/are still so actively relating in this way.

Where you are right now doesn't have to be about something as essentially shame-based as "being hooked." It can also be about your brain finding ways of safely/effectively working through all the very intense, painful, contradictory, confusing, and otherwise really frightening things you're feeling. It can be about recognizing how creative, adaptable, and wise you actually are in this way. It can be about appreciating and giving yourself credit for how good you are at this. It can be about establishing/deepening your ability to trust yourself as you recover, heal, and continue on the path you were walking before you got pushed.

Because, even if that path was intended/would have eventually led you to this place - it most certainly wasn't intended to stop here. Here was just the place that made the rest everything you always knew, in your heart, it was supposed to/really could be.

You are in better hands just being left with yourself than you know.  

Thank you, Really really good stuff

CiF

[bb12]

Letting Go, that Rinpoche quote is stunning.

The way I see it, that 'hooked' feeling is the last semblance of ego in relation to this relationship. It's damaged pride, disbelief, shock. And I am not sure that will ever completely disappear. I see it as a scar on the soul. Just as the one on your knee reminds you of the time you fell off your bike as you learned to ride, this dull ache might be a constant companion reminding us to respect and never abandon ourselves again. For me, it was all about reframing... . it was about not associating it with them anymore. I am not sure we ever truly recover from an affront to our very sense of reality and what we trusted was true. But that does not mean the ensuing lessons we learn have to be forever tied to the person who showed us that new level of pain. Ultimately, they didn't cause the pain so much as reveal it. They revealed how far away we were from ourselves. And like you said, the pain is a catalyst for finding that road back to self. So flip it and associate that feeling of being 'hooked' with being hooked on the search for our authentic selves... . with the excitement and hope inherent in that journey, and not to an illogical, cruel parting message from a disordered person.

I'm not there either and more than 2 years later can have weak days where I still feel broken and anxious. But I rarely think of my ex or associate my fragility with him. It all goes back much further than that r/ship and I try to re-parent myself and challenge negative thought patterns that have been there much longer.



bb12

[Xstaticaddict]

Talithacumi

"I don't see what happened with me with my ex being some kind of "gift" of pain... . "

This so resonates with me and I think it's something I'd been thinking about for quite some time.

It ... . doesn't ... . dismiss all the pain and trauma that the relationship and it's end brought to me.

I believe it was easy for me ... . especially early on after the breakup... . to use this as a way to process everything that happened... . when in reality it wasn't a gift and to think of it that way doesn't make sense to me now.

Thank you for your posts, this is a really interesting thread seeing how different the perspectives are on how to look at the experiences that are hugely shaping who we are all becoming.

I had the thought before reading this that what I'm going through now is a gift because it woke me up to work that needed to be done and shattered my illusions about who i was. The part I hadn't really realized because of feeling so victimized and abandoned is that this is a gift I GAVE MYSELF and for some reason this makes the sting of the lessons and the work still needing to be done turn to a very warm calm feeling.

I've always thought that we are mirrors for each other, and when I figured out how messed up my ex was I was shown how messed up I was, but I made active choices to pursue her (though her BPD allure was like a tractor beam), looking for something that I thought was love, before i could really give healthy love. I was in get mode, while desperately trying to engage in give mode within the relationship. Fix help her, so i could earn the love and acceptance I couldn't even fathom giving to myself. I take the fact that I "looked into my mirror" for 6 years trying to figure out what was happening without giving up as a measurement of how dedicated I was to learning something I could tell would be very important, and when the end of the r/s came I started to really see what that was, and also a myriad of lessons and opportunities I missed along the way.

The journey into self love is a weird, uncomfortable and complicated one. The situations we create/co-create may or may not be looked at as a gift, but I'm definitely looking at the choices I make now as potential gifts to myself and others.

gift

noun

1 he gave the staff a gift: present, handout, donation, offering, bestowal, bonus, award, endowment; tip, gratuity; largesse; informal freebie, perk; formal benefaction.

2 Marlin possessed a gift for interior design: talent, flair, aptitude, facility, knack, bent, ability, expertise, capacity, capability, faculty; endowment, strength, genius, brilliance, skill, artistry.

The shift from the first definition to the 2nd is kind of what it's all about. Turning a thing into a WAY.

Thank you all for being so sensitive, thoughtful, giving, vulnerable, brave, intelligent, and loving.

[Xstaticaddict]

LettingGo14 Thank you, the idea of still being hooked despite doing a lot of the self work and knowing all the reasons why you're better off without them has been bothering me a lot the last couple days. Is it maybe because the idea of having to be your own source of ultimate contentment by working on it for a lifetime sounds exhausting, coupled with remembering how comfortable it felt to be reactive to someone else's chaos vs the discomfort of having to forge a new uncharted path with no one to blame when things aren't as awesome as you hoped they'd be? Where failure and difficulty is pretty much a guarantee.

Also way less sex. A lack of constant loving contact (even if it was self delusional)?

I heard from my mom who babysits my ex's kids sometimes that she was sick today, and I just wanted to hug her and take care of her even though i remember how resistant she was to attempts in the past. It's dug in there deep. Many layers. Truly an addiction. I figure it took a lifetime to become a compulsive fixer. Don't know if that's part of your MO but I'm giving myself a lot of patience when the feelings of being drawn to her fondly keep coming up. The fact that it's not connected to an action or harmful behavior anymore is progress. Although I do wish i thought about her less.