Feeling kind of bitter and hopeless

[Parents! Get help here!]

My BPDD27 almost died when she was a year old. We were able to save her then and I feel like we've been trying to save her life ever since. 

Many psychiatric professionals point back to the illness she suffered as a baby as the beginning of our treacherous journey with mental illness. There is an exhausting list of mental illness in my family which predominately consists of Bipolar, OCD and NPD. However, I'm actually beginning to wonder if she's brain-damaged, rather than ill, because nothing seems to be effective or work for her.

I first noticed her lack of empathy around the age of 4 or 5. It was very concerning. I spent much of my time trying to "teach" her empathy, which probably resulted in invalidation. She would do or say the most outrageous things. I would acknowledge her feelings and then add the "but" word to share what the other child may have been feeling. I wish I had know about BPD, then, because I would have been aware of the importance of validation. I have tried to forgive myself, but the thought that I may have made a bad situation even worse nags at my soul.

She was diagnosed at 7 with ADHD, at 13 with anxiety NOS and delusional thinking, at 16 with Bipolar and at 18 they added BPD. We've taken her to the best psychiatrists and doctors we could afford. Now, she's on Medicaid and can receive excellent treatment from our community based mental health service provider. They have a flagship DBT program that is very successful. My BPDD27 refuses to participate.

Our experience with her has been awful. There were times when we would lock our doors at night out of fear. Her little brother (9 years younger) swears she tried to drown him when she was 14. In highschool, she lost many of her friends. To this day, she can't keep a friend... . or a job. She's been fired or quit about 30 jobs. She began shoplifting, became promiscous, wrote around 200 bad checks, began cutting, etc. She is in and out of therapy and fired the therapist (2x) she liked the most. Attended DBT and quit. She was supposed to attend IOP (Intensive Outpatient) and quite. She Has been arrested for domestic battery, assault and theft of services. Thrown out of bars for fighting. She has been in an abusive relationship with the same man (who I believe is also BPD or NPD). He also has been arrested for criminal assault and domestic battery. To make things worse, they have a 2 1/2 year old son that they "love" and are still raising. Just in the last 6 months, the police have been called to their home around 20 times. Child Protective Services are doing 2x a week home visits, but they have no idea what goes on when they leave. There have been numerous reports and phone calls made by myself, my husband, therapists and police and my grandson STILL is living there. He calls his mother an F-in B*tch and a host of other names. If you try and play or smile, he says "no" or "shut your mouth." Happiness and levity are foreign to him. It makes me very sad. We still are involved with our GS, but it is impossible to overcome the damage that is being done to him (emotionally) on an hour to hour basis. She has been hospitalized 5-6 times since the age of 16 for suicidal ideation. The most recent hospitalization was for a suicide attempt on Christmas Eve. She was fighting with her boyfriend and he wouldn't respond, so she swallowed a bottle full of pills. Now, her T is suggesting substance abuse treatment, because she's abusing her Rx drugs and street drugs -- including meth (occassionally). In the last two months, she laid her wrist and forearm on a hot burner -- TWICE. She had 3rd degree burns. First, she said she did it. Then she said her boyfriend did it. He was arrested and charged, but then she appeared in court and said she lied. I have no idea what the truth is.

My daughter needs to inpatient treatment, but it is impossible to get because of the mental health laws. Cutting is considered a coping skill. Burning, too, it seems. Her treatment team is aware of her self-harm behavior, but nothing is forced on her. I feel absolutely powerless.

I have tried and tried and tried. I've read books. Participated in family-to-family training. Gone to therapy. I use the skills to the best of my ability, but it seems like my whole focus is on her sickness and not on my other two sons and husband. My boys and my 28-year marriage are strong. They are good kids with empathetic hearts and a great sense of humor. They work hard. However, neither of them want anything to do with their sister. They are polite in her presence, but that is it. The don't have a relationship with her. My husband is a saint and my best friend. He travels alot, so much of the chaos falls at my feet. We do talk and work tegether as much as possible, though.

I feel like I'm missing out on the good things in my life, because of the chaos and ugliness of my BPDD27's life. I love my daughter, but am beginning to resent her,  because she refuses to manage her illness and has immersed herself in the seedy side of life. I've only scratched the surface on the chaos that is in our lives.

Is it possible that sometimes NOTHING works and you just have to walk away. I'm so very tired and demoralized.  :'(

[kelc323]

My BPDD27 almost died when she was a year old. We were able to save her then and I feel like we've been trying to save her life ever since. 

Many psychiatric professionals point back to the illness she suffered as a baby as the beginning of our treacherous journey with mental illness. There is an exhausting list of mental illness in my family which predominately consists of Bipolar, OCD and NPD. However, I'm actually beginning to wonder if she's brain-damaged, rather than ill, because nothing seems to be effective or work for her.

I first noticed her lack of empathy around the age of 4 or 5. It was very concerning. I spent much of my time trying to "teach" her empathy, which probably resulted in invalidation. She would do or say the most outrageous things. I would acknowledge her feelings and then add the "but" word to share what the other child may have been feeling. I wish I had know about BPD, then, because I would have been aware of the importance of validation. I have tried to forgive myself, but the thought that I may have made a bad situation even worse nags at my soul.

She was diagnosed at 7 with ADHD, at 13 with anxiety NOS and delusional thinking, at 16 with Bipolar and at 18 they added BPD. We've taken her to the best psychiatrists and doctors we could afford. Now, she's on Medicaid and can receive excellent treatment from our community based mental health service provider. They have a flagship DBT program that is very successful. My BPDD27 refuses to participate.

Our experience with her has been awful. There were times when we would lock our doors at night out of fear. Her little brother (9 years younger) swears she tried to drown him when she was 14. In highschool, she lost many of her friends. To this day, she can't keep a friend... . or a job. She's been fired or quit about 30 jobs. She began shoplifting, became promiscous, wrote around 200 bad checks, began cutting, etc. She is in and out of therapy and fired the therapist (2x) she liked the most. Attended DBT and quit. She was supposed to attend IOP (Intensive Outpatient) and quite. She Has been arrested for domestic battery, assault and theft of services. Thrown out of bars for fighting. She has been in an abusive relationship with the same man (who I believe is also BPD or NPD). He also has been arrested for criminal assault and domestic battery. To make things worse, they have a 2 1/2 year old son that they "love" and are still raising. Just in the last 6 months, the police have been called to their home around 20 times. Child Protective Services are doing 2x a week home visits, but they have no idea what goes on when they leave. There have been numerous reports and phone calls made by myself, my husband, therapists and police and my grandson STILL is living there. He calls his mother an F-in B*tch and a host of other names. If you try and play or smile, he says "no" or "shut your mouth." Happiness and levity are foreign to him. It makes me very sad. We still are involved with our GS, but it is impossible to overcome the damage that is being done to him (emotionally) on an hour to hour basis. She has been hospitalized 5-6 times since the age of 16 for suicidal ideation. The most recent hospitalization was for a suicide attempt on Christmas Eve. She was fighting with her boyfriend and he wouldn't respond, so she swallowed a bottle full of pills. Now, her T is suggesting substance abuse treatment, because she's abusing her Rx drugs and street drugs -- including meth (occassionally). In the last two months, she laid her wrist and forearm on a hot burner -- TWICE. She had 3rd degree burns. First, she said she did it. Then she said her boyfriend did it. He was arrested and charged, but then she appeared in court and said she lied. I have no idea what the truth is.

My daughter needs to inpatient treatment, but it is impossible to get because of the mental health laws. Cutting is considered a coping skill. Burning, too, it seems. Her treatment team is aware of her self-harm behavior, but nothing is forced on her. I feel absolutely powerless.

I have tried and tried and tried. I've read books. Participated in family-to-family training. Gone to therapy. I use the skills to the best of my ability, but it seems like my whole focus is on her sickness and not on my other two sons and husband. My boys and my 28-year marriage are strong. They are good kids with empathetic hearts and a great sense of humor. They work hard. However, neither of them want anything to do with their sister. They are polite in her presence, but that is it. The don't have a relationship with her. My husband is a saint and my best friend. He travels alot, so much of the chaos falls at my feet. We do talk and work tegether as much as possible, though.

I feel like I'm missing out on the good things in my life, because of the chaos and ugliness of my BPDD27's life. I love my daughter, but am beginning to resent her,  because she refuses to manage her illness and has immersed herself in the seedy side of life. I've only scratched the surface on the chaos that is in our lives.

Is it possible that sometimes NOTHING works and you just have to walk away. I'm so very tired and demoralized.  :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[hopeforhappiness10]

Your story is very sad and extreme. My stuggles  with my 21DBPD is not as bad but I have been somewhat walking in your shoes the last 6 months. What I have been through - I would not wish this on my worst enemy.  With that being said, this board has helped me the last few months.  I don't feel alone and using validation helps some.  My 21DBPD has always been extremly difficult and for years I have blamed myself and my husband so many times because of her behavior.  My daughter is extremely spoiled and we always kept moving her along in order to not trump the apple card for the sake of an education.  She has gotten progressively worse after she turned 18.  For along time, I blamed my husband and myself for not getting her treatment when she was a teen.  We have allowed her to abuse us the last 6 months to keep her rational enough to graduate college.  This past week, she graduated from a divison 1 college but was so hateful and ungreatful that she got us kicked out of a restrurant and seriously made my husband cry. We have paid  for it all of her college and living expenses.  I could go on and on about the night. Yet, over the last several months and with some couseling for me, I have worked on short term and longterm goals.  Short term - get her graduated at all cost because we may be forced to throw her out on the street because long term, we cab not keep living this way.  I have definately come to realize that I can't help her. Only she can want to help herself if she wants to be happy and I must set boundries and quit blaming myself.

After Friday, we told her, we are done and she will have to find somewhere else to live if she cannot be respectful and nice. She was also told she must seek treatment and medication to be part of our family. This was obviously not the talk we wanted to have on the eve of her graduation from college. Unfortuantely, we promised ourselves that after grades were final and she acted up, we were setting boundries.  It's her life and choice and we are not going to live like hostages to her abuse. Every doctor and counselor that I have spoken with have confirmed that she must want to help herself and we need to treat this like acoholism. I know this is hard because every other minute mine threatens to kill herself or physically hurt me when she is unhappy.  The will to be happy must come from within. As  of right now, she has graduated and doing a class with my husband in another city for the week and acting very respectful.  Hopefully, her good attitude will continue or out she goes and I won't spend one more day blaming myself for her perceived problems. So my advice, take baby steps, work on yourself at this point to stop the co-dependency (this is not easy for me and everyday is a battle) and stop blaming yourself.  You sound like wonderful parents!

[co.jo]

kelc23, I find it so interesting when I hear about "Child Protection "in other places. I cannot believe they leave your grandson in that situation, it must break your heart.

I live in Canada, and am a foster parent. Just to give you an idea, I am currently caring for a child whose mother has BPD. He was apprehended a few months ago, because she had a meltdown in a store and was drunk, and the police came. That was all it took- one time. Now she is given space to get her life back on track, and he will be returned soon. Any children whose parents are violent are also removed from the situation while the parents seek help. The goal is always to return to parents where possible, but the children would not be left in a home where there is such a potential for disaster. When I hear the stories of people whose grandchildren are in these situations I cannot imagine the frustration you must feel. I really hope something will change for your grandson soon.

[chooselove]

I hate to admit this, but I would (and have) walked away at a lot less than this.   I'm so grateful to hear your marriage is strong and your sons are doing well, but I also think that there is still healing that needs to take place with the healthy ones in your family. The kind of healing that shows itself only once you have let go.  You have a big heart and a lot to give. I'd love to see you free to give it where it can make a difference in peoples' lives. I'd also love to see you able to let go of the guilt. We always do the best we can with what we think and know at the time.  My thoughts and prayers are with you, and your daughter and her family, too.  To detach and let go does not mean to remove love and concern.   

[pessim-optimist]

kelc323,

I am so very sorry... . this must be absolutely excruciating... .    

I can see how it would be easy for your life to be swallowed up by the chaos of your daughter's illness... .

I also hope that your grandson's situation will eventually change - before it's too late and the damage is beyond repair... .

If you look at your life and what you are doing for her - do you see any areas where you are being effective, or your efforts help make her life or the life of your grandson more stable?

On the other hand, are there things that you are investing your energy in and it would not make any difference if you stopped doing them?

[Peaceinthehome]

Hi Kelc323,

My heart goes out to you. I know how you feel. I have had very similar experiences.  The thing is that we get so used to the chaos and the extreme stress we live with that it becomes our "normal". But coping with this kind of stress for years on end means we eventually suffer from Post Traumatic Stress and we get ill. Still, after all the pain, terror, sadness and despair, we still ask ourselves whether we have the right to say we can no longer do this.  We are surprised at ourselves when one day we say "I just cant do this anymore", almost like we have an expectation of ourselves to live with these extreme conditions forever. No one will blame you if you want to detach and disengage from the messes, put firm boundaries in place to protect yourself and let whatever must be, be.  Give yourself permission to look after yourself. It helps me when I think dispassionately about things and try not to let my emotions rule my decisions.  Look at the facts and then do what you need to to protect yourself. Best of luck

[tristesse]

Hi Kelc323, I am so sorry you are struggling right now. I have lived those extreme moments as well, and I have a GS5 involved, so I know how your heart breaks when they are affected. I agree that this is an all consuming illness, and not just for the BPD, but for all of those that Love a BPD. Do not blame yourself, it is not your fault. It is entirely too easy to get caught up in self blame, I do it periodically  myself, but this is not your fault. Keep practicing the skills you have learned and try and take a little time for  yourself as well. As the mother of a BPDD30, I feel your pain and struggles, and encourage you to keep the faith. I wish you much love and healing in your life.

[kelc323]

Thanks to each and every one of you for sharing your story, insight and support. It feels so good to me. I've always hesitated reaching out, because it's hard to read my own story. Putting one foot in front of the other without looking back or forward is how I often manage the chaos. My BPDD27 is so in-the-moment that I have altered the way I experience my own life. Making plans for the future, let alone my day, has proven to be difficult. I often just move from one dilemma to the next and spend most of my effort trying to keep my own sanity intact. When there are good moments -- and there have been a few -- I just try to soak it up and breathe.

Probably what I've struggled with the most is my definition of "unconditional love." I never received this from my own mother (who is Bipolar and NPD), so it was the foundation of my parenting. With a BPD child, though, it has tested my limits and I am now trying to redefine what this means to me. I do a fairly good job of setting boundaries and letting her experience the consequences of her choices, but I always get to hear about it or am asked to rescue her from them. The effort it takes to steel yourself and to use the proper skills in response to these situations are exhausting.

I recently took a two-week break from my BPDD27 after a particularly hurtful verbal attack in front of my GS2. Someday I'll learn not to take her words, personally, but I'm really tired of hearing them. Period. Mental illness has been the focus of my life since I was a child. Frankly, I'm sick of it consuming and dictating my life and goals. The last two weeks have been somewhat quiet and have done me the world of good. I don't want it to stop and am strongly considering no-contact or very low contact; however, I would also be sacrificing my relationship with my GS2. In the long run, though, I'm not sure if it's not already being sacrificed because my daughter and his dad are robbing him of his light and innocence.  :'( In addition, my daughter is very good at saber-rattling to get my attention. Even if I try and not respond, she knows me. She knows when she's arrested, engaging in self-harm (she'll text me pictures) triangulating, or saying hateful things to me that it causes me great pain.

HopeForHappiness, hugs to you. I can't imagine the sting of being kicked out of the restaurant after the sacrifices you and your husband have made to ensure she graduated. I hope that you will be able to have some peace and strong fences, now. You are wonderful parents for keeping the end in mind, in spite of your daughter's anger.

Co.jo, I wish we didn't live in this particular county in the states. It is very liberal and lenient. Once when my husband called CPS, we described the emotional damage that was occurring to our GS2. They just kept asking if he was in "imminent danger." Of what? His life? No. His spirit? His childhood? Most definitely, yes! Very frustrating. I commend you for choosing to foster these children. It takes a special heart... .

Chooselove, Peaceinthehome and bpetersen514, thank you for sharing your perspective and support. It has done my heart good today to be able to hear from people that truly understand the hell of BPD -- both for the afflicted and the families who love them. I will continue to reach out for support and look forward to providing my own perspective as well. For now, I am seriously considering a more permanent disengagement from my daughter's chaos and anger. I always hear that it's important to do what's effective, so I need to change the rules. I'm hopeful that she may try and manage her illness more, if I'm not available to her. I'm not sure. Time will tell.

Pessim-optimist, thank you for your kind words, as well. I believe my relationship with my BPDD27 is less chaotic than before. I draw lines, quicker, when she has been particularly hurtful or ungrateful. I have a few zero tolerance rules when it comes to aggression -- either verbally or through physical threats. I also no longer engage in providing advice. It is frustrating for both of us. She doesn't want to hear it and when I give it, she will do the opposite. I usually try and empathize and remind her of the professionals in her life that are there to help. I am no longer her crisis manager. Doesn't mean I don't her about her crises. I just have tried very hard not to comment or solve them. My dilemma is my grandson. She has asked often whether I could just raise him. This isn't an option for our family -- I have finally come to terms with this and have very good reasons. Besides, the father won't allow it, anyway. Probably a discussion for another thread. I do try and have regular visitation with him though. It's just getting harder as he gets older, because he is starting to exhibit more behavioral issues. It's very hard to have boudaries or rules at my house, when there are none at his. He doesn't trust happiness and is starting to respond in an angry way, telling me to "stop it" or just screaming "no." It breaks my heart.

Thanks to all of you! I wish you much peace and healing in your own lives.

[pessim-optimist]

... . I believe my relationship with my BPDD27 is less chaotic than before. I draw lines, quicker, when she has been particularly hurtful or ungrateful. I have a few zero tolerance rules when it comes to aggression -- either verbally or through physical threats.

This is wonderful - you have made some progress in taking your life back a bit. If you want to reduce the contact, you may be able to just take it down a notch or two, and have more time and peace that way. You are already on your way. 

I do try and have regular visitation with him though. It's just getting harder as he gets older, because he is starting to exhibit more behavioral issues. It's very hard to have boudaries or rules at my house, when there are none at his. He doesn't trust happiness and is starting to respond in an angry way, telling me to "stop it" or just screaming "no." It breaks my heart.

Now that is not easy, and you might need to read up about how to foster that loving relationship with him WHILE enforcing calm and loving boundaries. Positive reinforcement and VERY consistent approach does wonders. It is actually much better if he is with you in a different environment than his home, because children can learn very quickly that different place/person means different rules. Also, this age is particularly important for developing the ability to respect boundaries, so acting out can be expected, and if you expect it and are ready for it, you will be more effective... .

[kelc323]

Thanks, passim-optimist. You are right. When my GS2 is just with us at our home, it takes him about 30- 45 minutes before he relaxes and starts smiling and asking questions. For the most part, I can manage the small behavior issues. He already knows it's different at Grandma's house. However, the minute his mother walks in the door, he starts acting out. Children learn so quickly. My BPDD27 spends a lot of time on her phone. He knows exactly what to do to get her attention. I just pray that he is blessed with a personality that can endure the trauma and even thrive. We are doing our best as grandparents, but sometimes it feels like an uphill battle.

[pessim-optimist]

We have been feeling the exact same way about our grandchildren... .

And even though they are not going through as much trauma as your little guy, they have seen and heard and endured more than a child ever should. We can only do our part and be the stabilizing force in their lives as much as possible, and pray for them.

You being in your grandson's life is a wonderful blessing for him... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders