What to expect? (Divorce initiated)

[boywholeadsdogs]

Hi all.

I'll keep it as short as possible.

My wife and I had a short dating life, short engagement. She was perfect, dedicated, had great communication and wanted to marry me. I've been dating for over a decade (in my mid 20s) We were on the same school track, we got engaged, then married. I knew she had BPD, I just didn't know what that meant, she seemed high functioning so I didn't think it would get in the way.

Things were great until 2 weeks after we got married (so much for a honeymoon phase... . ) I wasn't perfect anymore, she moved out, they got worse, I thought it was all my fault. Then I started reading articles here and elsewhere and it all matched way too perfectly.

Fast forward 4 months. I was educated, tried to do everything I could to keep it together and turn it around. But I was getting tired, my support system was getting tired of seeing me in this condition, and I read case after case of things just not working out for other people. When the rages started it was horrifying, the last piece of evidence as to where my life was going. I set a date, made sure that by the time that date occurred I would tract objectively how the relationship was going. I told her she needed treatment and we were on the last straw. Well, that straw was pulled a week early, a few days ago.

I told her it was time to get a divorce. On the phone I opened up, told her that I didn't have anything new to offer her, that I couldn't stand failing her and making her miserable and that she had seen the best of me. She opened up too, she calmed down really quickly, I guess she wasn't expecting me to go so far as bring up divorce (she already threatened me with it a few weeks before then went back) She came over, we talked a bit more and fell asleep. I think when she went home the next day she realized that I was serious, that this was real.

The texts went from the pain, to saying she didn't want to be alone, to saying she needed to move on to saying that she wanted me to pack her things and have them ready. We're meeting tomorrow to exchange things and talk about permitters.

The only other information I have came from my buddy. He noticed that my FB relationship status only says "married" now, and that she added her on again off again on again off again xwhoknowshowmuch ex boyfriend. She's been in the town where he and her Dad live all day.

So Divorce... . and the post breakup. What should I expect? There's a solid chance she's meeting up with her Ex which could honestly help things. I'm trying to keep the divorce as cordial as possible, we have no kids, no property, she moved out two weeks after we got married so no joint stuff. And this Ex might be a ray of sunshine if he becomes her new support (he proposed to her two weeks before we got married, if she snaps her fingers he's there)

Any experience with this type of thing? Especially if the rebounds actually stick? I just feel lucky that I got out this early, I've read so many stories... . For me the most painful part was seeing how much pain she was in after she came over and opened up... . I love her and it's impossibly difficult to see someone you love go through that, especially when you're about to tear away from them.

[arjay]

Greetings and I commend you for seeing things much sooner than so many of us.  Expect from her to oscillate like you have already seen; thinking she is moving on, to getting angry, to saying she needs you, followed by all the emotions you have already seen.  She may latch on to the other guy long enough for the divorce to be complete.  She may try to reconcile with you too after being with him.  It all happens.

Detaching and divorce is a big process for any marriage, however given you have no kids, and little to divide, you may be able to move on much quicker than many of us.  You may surprised to find yourself having doubts and setbacks as you go through this.  I certainly had mine and most of us do.  Just remember what you experienced with her and remind yourself that is what your life will be should you stay.

I would recommend staying on this board as you go through the divorce thing.  You will find support when you find your patience and emotions are running thin.  Additionally if you haven't read it already, you might check out the information on leaving/ending a relationship, so you are better prepared what to expect from her.

Peace to you

[boywholeadsdogs]

Thanks for greeting, I was a little surprised by how welcoming this board is and I'll be sure to stick around.

It's a strange break up process. There's definitely heartbreak, but I've been getting my heart broken repeatedly over the last month so it just seems like a continuation, like I got a head start... . and that was after mourning the death of the girl I married when I found out that person just wasn't coming back.

I went through a terrible break up earlier last year so maybe I'm just well practiced. Don't get me wrong, it's still pretty terrible, but it could be a lot worse. If anything there's some fear that it will get a lot worse once divorce stuff starts going through, but hopefully not.

I've read a lot of the articles on the breakup process and I'm going to keep going through them. The scariest thing seems to be the situations where the other person frames the non for crimes. Hopefully that won't happen here, the advantage of her moving out after the wedding is having witnesses to everything (I'm staying at my best friends families house and his door is 7 feet away from mine), which can't hurt.

Any advice on the... . I guess empathy for the other person? When she's lucid, "back to her normal self" like she was the night of the talk I could see all of the pain there. I know she never wanted this to happen and it's wretched that the lucid part of her is also the part that feels remorse and sees the consequences. That's what I keep getting hung up on, causing that pain in somebody that I love, leaving them to it. My best friend's response was that she's been causing me pain this entire time and to not dwell on it too much.