Silent Treatment

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi, my husband and I are experiencing the silent treatment from my undiagnosed MIL at the moment.  It happened after we visited her and my FIL a month ago.  During the visit we embarked on a conversation that I don't think she liked.  She had been playing emotional games and was looking for a reaction from us that simply backfired on her (as we did not respond to her games) so ever since that day she has not contacted us.  My husband made a couple of efforts with her but it's clear that she is punishing us now.  I am okay with this.  What I would like to know is what is her motivation?  Does she expect us to fall at her feet?  Is she trying to flex muscles and gain power over us?  What can I do to show her that her efforts at punishing us are fruitless?  What are your experiences?  Many thanks.

[veronica lodge]

Hi, my husband and I are experiencing the silent treatment from my undiagnosed MIL at the moment.  It happened after we visited her and my FIL a month ago.  During the visit we embarked on a conversation that I don't think she liked.  She had been playing emotional games and was looking for a reaction from us that simply backfired on her (as we did not respond to her games) so ever since that day she has not contacted us.  My husband made a couple of efforts with her but it's clear that she is punishing us now.  I am okay with this.  What I would like to know is what is her motivation?  Does she expect us to fall at her feet?  Is she trying to flex muscles and gain power over us?  What can I do to show her that her efforts at punishing us are fruitless?  What are your experiences?  Many thanks.

[HappyChappy]

If you see her as a little girl having a strop/sulk, it makes it easier to understand. The motivation is the same. Clearly she hasn't got what she wanted from you and hence the treatment. The main difference is she will be able to keep the silent treatment up for much longer than a small girl. Never forget that a BPD will harbour grudges long term. So her silent treatment may also relate back to other times you didn't provide her with what she rightly deserves. So in short, it can be difficult to understand why at times.

A close friend of mine, who isn't a BPD, but uses the techniques, once ignored his brother (a N) for over a year. They lived in the same house. The reason was control. And setting an example for everyone else to see. You BPD wants others to know, that's what they get if they don't do as their told.

Now I wouldn't suggest going head to head with a BPD on the silent treatment, as it may take a while. But my BPD Mom used this on me as a child, but when I had a good network of friends and no longer needed attention from her, it became ineffectual. And she stopped using it. Personally, I would see it as a God send - she won't be bothering you for attention.

[veronica lodge]

HappyChappy - thank you.  I am smiling now - you are absolutely right.  It actually is a God send and we are at great peace because we are not subjected to her games any more (let's see how long it lasts - maybe a long time, yes).  You are right in that this has been building up in her for a while.  I think she has snapped.  We have been very conscious in our interactions with her for a while, making sure that we did not react to her games and I think now she is resorting to the silent treatment as a result, in order to punish us.  It's actually a good thing and also I totally agree with you in that she is using us as an example to the other siblings as a warning that they will also be punished if they do not supply her with her needs.  The sad part is that we did try and make an effort with her in a loving, normal way but her games/ control/ manipulation just kept getting in the way so it is what it is.  Moving on now, many thanks.