Was BPD in your ex's aura?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Curious if BPD is actually part of the attraction in romantic partners to start with or does it come later? After getting to know them better?

Obviously it's impossible to separate up exactly the difference between chemistry, natural attraction and the BPD qualities of addictiveness but I'm wondering? Was it different for you? As in different than other 'normal' r'ships?

Did your BPD ex become "The One That Got Away"?

I was with a guy who had a good deal of NPD/BPD characteristics but not super attracted to him till he started the push/pull mechanism. Looking back I cringe from the awful way he treated me and my deep desire to have him like me. I reel at the shocking bad way he spoke of me and to me, then wheedle and turn and wham - suddenly I was back.

[Ziggiddy]

Curious if BPD is actually part of the attraction in romantic partners to start with or does it come later? After getting to know them better?

Obviously it's impossible to separate up exactly the difference between chemistry, natural attraction and the BPD qualities of addictiveness but I'm wondering? Was it different for you? As in different than other 'normal' r'ships?

Did your BPD ex become "The One That Got Away"?

I was with a guy who had a good deal of NPD/BPD characteristics but not super attracted to him till he started the push/pull mechanism. Looking back I cringe from the awful way he treated me and my deep desire to have him like me. I reel at the shocking bad way he spoke of me and to me, then wheedle and turn and wham - suddenly I was back.

[AwakenedOne]

Did your BPD ex become "The One That Got Away"?

I would consider my BPD ex more like "The  That Got Away"


             

[Turkish]

Mine is very pretty, so call me shallow, I don't know... my very first visual impression of her across a room was, "she looks interesting, but where she's sitting, and how she's looking, she doesn't trust people."

She denied it later when I told her. I was correct, she told me, "I just like to get a feel.for a room and people." Me, too, but i was siting with everybody to connect. However,  the Rescuer in me was activated. I later approached her to engage, and the rest is history.

[rodman8]

Mine was a knockout, and so my type it is not even funny.  However, I never even knew what BPD was until she seemed to change her feelings about me overnight.  All I thought was that she was so charming, sweet, and seemed like a good person.  I was so drawn to her looks, fun personality, and how incredibly "into me" she was.  Her thing was pulling disappearing acts, and cutting me off at the times when we seemed to be the closest.  She never raged or threw things.  She just constantly left me in the dark and  her fears of abandonment and engulfment were all present.

[Narellan]

I think for me there was the aura that connected me first. I definitely wasn't attracted to him initially physically but within a couple of hours of him talking/ being around me, I was pulled to him. It was quite overwhelming. I had an " epiphany" and told him " I'm going to learn so much from you", this was like a lightening bolt moment, I can still recall the clarity of that message. All within a couple of hours! Maybe that was a warning from up above? When I recall it now it sounds ridiculous to think that about a person, but it just hit me and I said it out loud.

Nevertheless, it came true. I've never learned so much from anyone else in my life. I was really drawn to him . Felt like he touched my soul. The physical attraction started a few days later after we became intimate. And then I attached.

[maternal]

Possibly.  I know there was much pain in his eyes... . and then his words.  He snared me in with tales of his youth and the war and... . I was just drawn to that immediately of course.  I wanted to save him from his own pain.  So much pain.

I can't say whether or not it was his aura, but that push/pull worked wonders on me.  I was done for after the first few times we hung out.  Of course there were red flags, but I was trapped and once I attached, I held on for dear life, despite his warnings and pushing me back and telling me that I was better off without him and that I deserve better.  Now, of course, I'm the bad guy.  And that's okay.  Honestly, I'd rather have him feel as though I'm a terrible person than to have him continue to play that victim and hate me so much, because then I won't have to deal with him pestering me with 'i love you's and 'I miss you so much,'s (which of course, would just pull me back in.)

[Emelie Emelie]

A bit off topic but when mine told me about his BPD... . gave me a book to read.  He asked "What scares you the most?"  I said "The hating."  He said well hold on, it's coming.  No $hit.

[lemon flower]

when you say "aura", I think "protection" and "inviding"  

I did a couple of sessions myself with a T who works on healing and aura-reading and she said my aura is very defuse, which means I am not very good protected to negative energies and I have a great risk of being "attacked" by BP-isch people since I can't protect myself well: my aura is open and therefore vulnerable. I think this goes together with being a hyper-sensitive person, or with people who are under a lot of emotional stress.

She learned me some techniques to strenghten my aura and energetically protect myself to emotional attacks  

I can't tell if it worked since I am not an aura-reader myself and although I know this women is sincere and gifted, it stays a rather "misty" subject, and open to interpretation.

Still I do feel better lately and more important: being more aware of these energetical bonds between people has opened my perception on the way people relate to eachother ! It's also very interesting to look backwards and evaluate former r/ships (romantic as well as more formal ) from this point of view... .

[kba1969]

Mine was a knockout, and so my type it is not even funny.  However, I never even knew what BPD was until she seemed to change her feelings about me overnight.  All I thought was that she was so charming, sweet, and seemed like a good person.  I was so drawn to her looks, fun personality, and how incredibly "into me" she was.  Her thing was pulling disappearing acts, and cutting me off at the times when we seemed to be the closest.  She never raged or threw things.  She just constantly left me in the dark and  her fears of abandonment and engulfment were all present.

My X was the exact same!  She was beautiful, just looking at her with that awesome smile was exstasy!  I had been married and ended up divorcing because my x wife and I just couldn't get along.  My relationship with my xBPD girlfriend was the exact opposite, we NEVER fought!  Not once to this day have I as much as raised my voice to her!  She would pull occasional disappearing acts too.  I was so into her and loved every minute I spent with her.  No woman has made me feel the way she did, no joke!  I'm in my 7th day of NC

[maternal]

A bit off topic but when mine told me about his BPD... . gave me a book to read.  He asked "What scares you the most?"  I said "The hating."  He said well hold on, it's coming.  No $hit.

Dude.  :)ang... .

When my ex told me of his diagnosis, I'd never heard of it.  It was clear that we wasn't paying much attention to it or doing anything to help himself.  I actually bought him a book.  I thought it might push him toward therapy or help of any kind.  Nope.  And then he'd go through his ___, and come out asking everyone around if he had something... . if something was wrong with him.  His ex-wife is a social worker / counselor and she would NOT even go near trying to diagnose him with a 10 foot pole (I think she might be on the BPD spectrum herself, to be honest).  He'd already been diagnosed and said he'd never go to therapy again, but I'm not sure why he couldn't just go on ahead and get a second opinion from a professional that was not the mother of his son.  Weirdness.  I knew something was awry from the beginning, but he was SO unhappy in his marriage when I initially met him that I figured most of his problems were related to that... .

[sirensong65]

A bit off topic but when mine told me about his BPD... . gave me a book to read.  He asked "What scares you the most?"  I said "The hating."  He said well hold on, it's coming.  No $hit.

LMAO!  You have got to be kidding me!  That is terrifying... .

[Ziggiddy]

You guys just rock. So honest and insightful.

Turkish, I don't think for a minute it is shallow to like a pretty woman. I am curious if the chemistry was augmented by the mistrust she seemed to display at first blush?

how incredibly "into me" she was.  Her thing was pulling disappearing acts, and cutting me off at the times when we seemed to be the closest.  

rodman it's like the lyric from this song 'when somebody needs you well there's no drug like that'! I am embarrassed to admit it but one of my   was exactly that. I did it in full knowledge that it might be painful for the guy but it accomplished the goal. When I came back it could be like new 'honeymoon feeling' again. I would think "Oh here we go, he knows a bit about me that makes me vulnerable. I'll duck off before that gets exploited but I need to come back later to check if I'm still desirable. And because I've been gone he'll roll out the red carpet and it can be perfect for a bit before he finds something else about me that cracks my code and exposes how damned worthless I am behind this carefully constructed gameface. Before he notices that I am not pretty - that is his imagination - someone he devised in his head."

And it would work. And they would adore me for awhile till I made a mistake. then I'd have to leave again hoping they would forget the mistake. Because my mistakes would cause them to not love me

LIGHTBULB moment. Man. Just seeing how much BPD behaviour I have imbibed from messed up mother. Groannnnn

I had an " epiphany" and told him " I'm going to learn so much from you", this was like a lightening bolt moment, I can still recall the clarity of that message. All within a couple of hours! Maybe that was a warning from up above?  The physical attraction started a few days later after we became intimate. And then I attached.

I feel exactly like that had happened with this guy too! In fact I recall quite cold heartedly that I was ambivalent but decided I was going to 'make' him fall in love with me. Even had plans for how the invention of my image should take place. (Ah I was a teenager and read too many novels. I have to forgive myself now in light of the damage he ended up inflicting on ME!)  I'm still learning what it was I had to learn from him. Hopefully, on day ... . .

 Of course there were red flags, but I was trapped and once I attached, I held on for dear life, despite his warnings and pushing me back and telling me that I was better off without him and that I deserve better.  

I am like that, maternal! Absolutely tenacious to holding on once attached. Regardless of whether it is beneficial

EE - that is whacko. Seriously?

[Pecator]

Nope,

Mine was not the most attractive.I was dating several women at the time we met. She was also dating. Strangely enough, I wasn't getting serious with the others because there were too many 

We got along great. Loved the social life with her. Couple of months in I was talking with my T and told her that I liked my ex, didn't see any   to end it, but didn't see any green flags to say jump in.

Strangely enough again, as I drove home I got a call from my ex saying she didn't see any reason not to continue, but didn't feel the desire to "go all in." I remember this clearly. I said, "WOW, I am leaving my T just now having told her the exact same thing." (coincidence or mirroring?)

We met for a drink and decided we really liked each other as friends. With the relationship pressure off, we met several times just to talk. We both opened up and a month later were "all in."

Wonder where I would be if we went NC then instead.

[Narellan]

I'm not sure that its always just mirroring. My exBPD seemed to have a sixth sense. He would bring up things I was thinking but hadnt voiced. Once when he recycled me and I was so confused but too scared to talk about it because I wanted him to stay, mid way through making love he just stopped and put his hands on my face and said " Narellan listen to me. It's ok, it's always been ok" I almost cried. He went on to say I was forever entwined in his soul. On reflection of what he said during the lovemaking he was saying it wasn't my fault. This is something he does and " we " are ok. Dumped me within weeks of this.

[Pecator]

I'm not sure that its always just mirroring. My exBPD seemed to have a sixth sense. He would bring up things I was thinking but hadnt voiced. Once when he recycled me and I was so confused but too scared to talk about it because I wanted him to stay, mid way through making love he just stopped and put his hands on my face and said " Narellan listen to me. It's ok, it's always been ok" I almost cried. He went on to say I was forever entwined in his soul. On reflection of what he said during the lovemaking he was saying it wasn't my fault. This is something he does and " we " are ok. Dumped me within weeks of this.

Narellan,

This is such a heartbreaking tale. I can't even imagine the conflict and sorrow you feel. Your bravery in telling that story will bring much comfort to many.

It makes me wonder. do we get a chance to see them momentarily beyond their pain, or are they supreme manipulators. If it is the latter, I can't believe it is conscience.

[Narellan]

I can't accept that he was a master manipulator. The above take was one of many many times he showed me his pain/ turmoil.

Another time he was driving me to the airport and I was coming back home after 5 days together. I was silently crying. Not saying a word. And he reached over and took my hand and lifted it to his lips and kissed it and said " Narellan everything you're feeling, I'm feeling" I looked at him and he was crying.

3 days after I got home from that trip he split me black said we were only friends, and replaced me with my best friend.

He let me in. I got too close and he showed himself to me. Then panicked and ran a mile.

That's my understanding. That helps me to move on without too much anger and I can recall these moments where he was honest without too much pain now. ( 10 weeks NC today)

[Turkish]

I can't accept that he was a master manipulator. The above take was one of many many times he showed me his pain/ turmoil.

Another time he was driving me to the airport and I was coming back home after 5 days together. I was silently crying. Not saying a word. And he reached over and took my hand and lifted it to his lips and kissed it and said " Narellan everything you're feeling, I'm feeling" I looked at him and he was crying.

3 days after I got home from that trip he split me black said we were only friends, and replaced me with my best friend.

He let me in. I got too close and he showed himself to me. Then panicked and ran a mile.

That's my understanding. That helps me to move on without too much anger and I can recall these moments where he was honest without too much pain now. ( 10 weeks NC today)

How did you feel when he said that, did you sense something off?

Overall, I think you are doing very well at only 10 weeks out...

[Narellan]

No I didn't sense anything was off at these 2 times. Possibly he was mirroring my airpost trip crying. But the intimate one came out of no where. He wasn't looking for any response, he just said it. It felt like it came from the heart.

Other things I look back on and get a sense it was a bit off. But that lovemaking one still hits my soul. Wish I'd never thought about it today, it's really triggered the sadness again. So today I'm having a few tears, but it's the first time in a week so that's progress.

If I picked it apart, what would his motivation be to say that mid way through love making?

He already obviously had me back.

[cosmonaut]

Possibly.  I know there was much pain in his eyes... . and then his words.  He snared me in with tales of his youth and the war and... . I was just drawn to that immediately of course.  I wanted to save him from his own pain.  So much pain.

This is exactly what hooked me too.  My ex is gorgeous by any objective standard (that does seem surprisingly common, doesn't it?), and sure that was attractive, but what really hooked me, what kept me staying was the connection she formed with me.  The pain she shared with me.  The way she opened up to me.  The way she seemed to trust me so completely.  The intimacy of it.  We seemed to have this connection like I had never known before.  I now know that's what mirroring and idealization will do, but I didn't at the time and it seemed so very, very real.  I wanted to save her from all of that.  I wanted to take her away from the world of ___ she had grown up in, all the completely f'ed up stuff that had happened to her, to heal all those wounds and dry all those tears.  That touched something core inside me.  She affected me in a way no one else ever has, and I'm sort of afraid no one ever will again.

[Narellan]

So is mirroring always insincere? That they don't know how to feel so they copy your emotions ? If they initiate the heartfelt comment out of no where that's not mirroring is it?

[Turkish]

No I didn't sense anything was off at these 2 times. Possibly he was mirroring my airpost trip crying. But the intimate one came out of no where. He wasn't looking for any response, he just said it. It felt like it came from the heart.

Other things I look back on and get a sense it was a bit off. But that lovemaking one still hits my soul. Wish I'd never thought about it today, it's really triggered the sadness again. So today I'm having a few tears, but it's the first time in a week so that's progress.

If I picked it apart, what would his motivation be to say that mid way through love making?

He already obviously had me back.

Then that must have been all the more hurtful, for him to split you so quickly.

Not to get to dry on you, but pwBPD feel the same emotions we do, just so much more intensely. Unable to control those emotions, it is the fickle nature of the disorder. It was real when he expressed it to you, no doubt. This is a recurring question here, "did they really love us?" In most cases, I think they did. But with the emotional dysregulation, the emotions cycle, not constant, nor consistent.

A recurring dysfuntion through my r/s was our sex life (I felt like an abused wife). Sometimes when it was good, she would look me in the eyes and say, "I love you Turkish." I knew and felt that was real... being unable to regulate her emotions, it wasn't consistent. Suffering from walking on eggshells before her next outburst, it wasn't consistent with me either  :'(

[LivingLearning]

Totally. My last bod girlfriend I was lukewarm immediately, them very quickly was drawn to her, convincing myself she was incredibly dynamic, intelligent, attractive.

[cosmonaut]

Not to get to dry on you, but pwBPD feel the same emotions we do, just so much more intensely. Unable to control those emotions, it is the fickle nature of the disorder. It was real when he expressed it to you, no doubt. This is a recurring question here, "did they really love us?" In most cases, I think they did. But with the emotional dysregulation, the emotions cycle, not constant, nor consistent.

This is what I've come to believe as well, Turkish.  I do think the emotion was sincere, at least in some way, at the time they expressed it.  It's just that sustaining it is impossible.  The problem with BPD is that emotions are always in flux, and since emotion dictates reality, reality is always changing.  Just because they love you now doesn't mean they will love you tomorrow.

[Narellan]

Thanks Turkish. Yeah the pain from it is still pretty raw I'm realising today. I still feel a bit in shock. His aura was of a vulnerable little boy who didn't fit in anywhere. I was so drawn to that. His personality was " I don't need anyone" strong confident but I saw the real him on many occasions when he let me. It wasn't physical for me, the attraction went so far beyond that. I still have a lot to learn. Feeling weak again today. Hope he doesn't try to contact me on a weak day, but that sixth sense of his who knows...

[Turkish]

Not to get to dry on you, but pwBPD feel the same emotions we do, just so much more intensely. Unable to control those emotions, it is the fickle nature of the disorder. It was real when he expressed it to you, no doubt. This is a recurring question here, "did they really love us?" In most cases, I think they did. But with the emotional dysregulation, the emotions cycle, not constant, nor consistent.

This is what I've come to believe as well, Turkish.  I do think the emotion was sincere, at least in some way, at the time they expressed it.  It's just that sustaining it is impossible.  The problem with BPD is that emotions are always in flux, and since emotion dictates reality, reality is always changing.  Just because they love you now doesn't mean they will love you tomorrow.

Theres a saying around here for pwBPD, "feelings are facts." The problem, as you say, is that the feelings are in flux. My take on that is," when feelings are facts, reality becomes an illusion;the truth, a lie." I witnessed the dissociation playing out in my home, when I talked to her about reality, and she turned to me, crying and asked, "what is reality?"  I was aghast. I had no reply, and I realized it was over, despite our two children sleeping peacefully only 10 ft away.  It was one more moment I realized how deep her pain really was.

[Narellan]

Sadly I could ask that question today. " what is reality?" I'll never know what was real and what was lies. He told a few lies that I know of.

[Narellan]

So this book I'm reading, I'm half way through and the girl in its husband just died. I just picked it up to take my mind off this post and the first paragraph I read says

"M and I locked eyes and it was like I'd touched an electric fence, there was such a bzzzzz of connection. He understood; the only one who did. I saw right through his eyes and all the way down into his bleak abandoned soul and recognised what I saw"

That is word for word how I felt when I met my ex BPD. I could not have put that into words any better. How bizarre is that to read that paragraph minutes after being on here talking about my exes aura?

[Ihope2]

This raises an interesting question for me.  Did I somehow subconsciously know how troubled my BPDh was, and was I attracted to this, or was I completely oblivious to the depth of his psychological damage?

You see, I met him for the first time very briefly at a marathon, in February 2013.  I was very attracted to his quiet, reserved demeanour.  At least, this is how I interpreted it:  that he was intense, reserved, very private, determined, deep.  But not necessarily unfriendly. Just very, very careful around people.  I actually liked that.  This is how I am, I think.

I realised that he must have had a difficult past, as he was running against Drug Abuse - he had a sign on his backpack and he was running the whole race with a backpack strapped to his back.

I then obsessed about him and googled for info about him for a month thereafter, before I finally plucked up the courage to contact him via his Facebook page.

We then communicated via email and sms for a short while before I invited him to visit, as it seemed that he had business in this town where I live.  All to do with his anti drug campaign.  He said that a Christian radio station in town was wanting to interview him about his cause.

The rest is history.  We married at the drop of a hat.  I only started getting to know him during the 11 month duration of our marriage.  I got to know him in the sense that he was psychologically crashing and imploding before my very eyes and I was desperately trying to reach out to him, find out what is ailing him, and getting mental health professional help for him... .

It was during this process that he was diagnosed with Bipolar Mood Disorder and Complex PTSD and medicated for this.  But still his anger and silent raging and withdrawal and depression and suicidal ideation, nightmares, flashbacks, dissociative states, etc persisted.  And then he started turning on me, emotionally and devalueing me and splitting etc.

This was when finally the penny dropped with me and I realised that this man must have a personality disorder, it just all fell into place and made more sense to me.

All this time, I was burning out physically and emotionally.  I felt scared, confused and trapped in something I had not anticipated at all. I thought he would settle in with me and we could build a healing love relationship together, and both find comfort, calm and serenity, secure in the knowledge that we have found a good and understanding partner!

So still I ponder the question as to whether there was an unspoken "aura" about him,  which included his BPD state, that attracted me subconsciously... . probably yes.  Because my unresolved issues were crying out to be heard by attracting another damaged and emotionally unavailable partner.

[Infared]

Mine was a knockout, and so my type it is not even funny.  However, I never even knew what BPD was until she seemed to change her feelings about me overnight.  All I thought was that she was so charming, sweet, and seemed like a good person.  I was so drawn to her looks, fun personality, and how incredibly "into me" she was.  Her thing was pulling disappearing acts, and cutting me off at the times when we seemed to be the closest.  She never raged or threw things.  She just constantly left me in the dark and  her fears of abandonment and engulfment were all present.

My X was the exact same!  She was beautiful, just looking at her with that awesome smile was exstasy!  I had been married and ended up divorcing because my x wife and I just couldn't get along.  My relationship with my xBPD girlfriend was the exact opposite, we NEVER fought!  Not once to this day have I as much as raised my voice to her!  She would pull occasional disappearing acts too.  I was so into her and loved every minute I spent with her.  No woman has made me feel the way she did, no joke!  I'm in my 7th day of NC

WOW, I had the same experience. We would argue occasionally, but it was always respectful. By and large for me it was "blissful"... . but we were just "together". ... . but then when the change came it was abrupt and complete, I have never experienced anything like it. ... . and from that moment on she was like someone I never met after 5 years of living with her. Devastatingly painful. (I think from day 1 that there was always something going on within her that WAS NOT what she was showing me... . and it just built up till her dam broke. I will never really know).

[Ziggiddy]

My heart is just wound up and moved by your stories. I have said it before and I'll say it again, the heart rending honesty of the people in this group just moves me. Not only that, but the willingness to self examine and the willingness to try and understand and find the highest possible truth is just amazing. I have been surrounded by many selfdishonest and irresponsible people for so long that seeing these replies is such a gift.

I can't accept that he was a master manipulator.

I was reading about manipulators to start with when I came upon the BPD material. I think there is a lot of emotional weight added to the word 'manipulator' It implies that people know exactly what they are doing, exactly what they want and exactly how to get it which is just not how the world works. but think about this - a child can pay very close attention to parents and use the information to get what they want. is that bad? No it's just human r'ships. it's only when the manipulation brings about destructive effects that it becomes a problem. And I don't think BP's really have enough that determined sociopathic "win at all costs' that this implies (although some may)

What happened to you, where your ex contacted that deep part of your being that resonated may well have been the honest lucid moment. That was possibly why it got to you the way it did. 

I was reading something the other day about love and it said something like  Yes they may have loved you in the way they think is love but was it secure mutually upbuilding love? or was it a self serving transient sort of love? And if the latter, is that enough? A love you can't count on morphing into something painful and unstable and then into something hateful? it really gave me pause to think about what love means to me.

(Congratulations on your progress and NC btw!  )

  I was very attracted to his quiet, reserved demeanour.  At least, this is how I interpreted it:  that he was intense, reserved, very private, determined, deep.   Just very, very careful around people. 

I got to know him in the sense that he was psychologically crashing and imploding before my very eyes and I was desperately trying to reach out to him

I thought he would settle in with me and we could build a healing love relationship together, and both find comfort, calm and serenity, secure in the knowledge that we have found a good and understanding partner!

So still I ponder the question as to whether there was an unspoken "aura" about him,  which included his BPD state, that attracted me subconsciously... . probably yes.  Because my unresolved issues were crying out to be heard by attracting another damaged and emotionally unavailable partner.

Ihope2 that must have been an incredibly difficult time for you  - good on you for coming through as far as you have. I wonder how much of your 'rescue' and help characteristics may have been involved in your r'ship? It's so very human to want to help and it's such a shame that sometimes all the help we want to give can't seem to change things I am sorry this has happened to you and wish you peace and strength to cope