A curious "what if"

[chooselove]

Reading through these posts of how each and every parent in here has or will, suffered for many years and overwhelming stress, emotional pain, financial loss, public shame and humiliation, sleepless nights, rage after vulgar rage, physical abuse, marriage stress, and then one day, a miracle happens and we accept the realization that there is no more we can do, that our relationship with our child will never match our dreams and hopes.

This all makes me wonder:  If we somehow had the foresight to see it would end up this way and decided to detach and let go early on before all the "death and destruction" could occur, how many people would shame us for not trying like we did?   We would probably be considered terrible people.   Yet, look at us now.  In my case anyway, I'm tens of thousands of dollars poorer and have many more years of bad memories than I would have had if I'd detached 20 years ago and my daughter hates me more than ever.

I can't say I have any regrets because I had to do what I had to do with what I knew at the time.  But if I see anyone detaching early on when BPD rears its ugly head, I am going to reserve from judging them. I may even be a little envious that they have the courage and foresight to do so.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

If anyone can truly detach with love early on and still be willing to help when possible then they would be saved a lot of suffering.

It would also be lovely to let go of expectations and detach from other people' opinions.

But is difficult. Parent/child bonds are strong and hope springs eternal!

[js friend]

Hi Chooselove,

I guess im one of the "lucky ones" as I found this site when my dd19 was 15yo and her behaviour was at its worse. I truly applaud all the parents who have stuck by their children not knowing what they were dealing with, and  I also understand those that have had to Let their children go. I have walked in their shoes so there is no judgement from me either, and there is only so much we can take before going under ourselves.

So yes i count myself as lucky... . My dd is still young... . and I now have the tools to use and  I know now what iam dealing with... . which does make things so much easier.

[raytamtay3]

Wow, this couldn't come at a better time for me, personally. I've finally gotten to a place where I've accepted that I can't do anymore for my DD14. It's up to her now to want to change her life. I'm through obsessing over everything concerning her and her BPD/ODD. I've tried my best to get her help, to steer her on the right path and time and time again I'm left feeling defeated, in financial hardship, emotionally and physically exhausted and on the brin of insanity myself. While I'm not giving up on her, I'm just accepting I did all I could do and letting the cards fall where they may. Now it's time to take care of me.

[hopeangel]

I have to say this:

I have thought about it too, we would'nt be human if we did not consider this question!

I am currently regaining control by persevering but from a safe distance! My dd is an adult now (22) and I will save myself now in order to help her later, (think oxygen in the aeroplane - you need it first to save them!)

I urge you not to give up, you KNOW the moods they have change like the wind, hatred now, friends with you next week! I imagine the pain she is in and I just try to remain on standby for when she can handle me again!

It isn't my fault (or yours of course!) but maybe I can make more difference than I could ever know just by being there as a constant! I have considered just living a 'normal' life without all this which tbh I don't need, but at the end of the day dd cannot make that choice because, through no fault of her own or mine she lost out on the genetic lottery!

Please don't misunderstand me here, I walk in your shoes all the time and I think this too, I promise, but I CHOOSE to help rather than feel obliged - that makes all the difference to me, that I could choose to be free but I make a choice to help!

I hope this helps you heal a little, it helps empower me! 

[kelc323]

Hi ChooseLove, it sounds like you've been down a difficult road with your daughter. I'm so sorry.   It's a journey no one would ever choose to take -- the pwBPD or the family members who love them -- but yet here we are. Since I have an older daughter, too, I can relate to your sentiment. The look-back is extremely hard. You've given everything you've got -- emotionally, financially, physically -- and you still see the wake of destruction behind you and in front of you. It's so very hard. When our journey started in my BPDD27's teens, I was desperate to do whatever I could to save her from herself. I did anything and everything within my power to support, understand and manage her illness. I was so hopeful and convinced that if I did A, B and C everything would be alright. We still had time to make a difference. Fast forward 10 years and nothing turned out as I hoped and in fact, much worse. What I didn't recognize was the stronger impact others would have in her life -- specifically, the boys. Unfortunately, she couldn't have met a worse guy and they have been involved for 6 years. They are toxic together and they both enjoy the chaos it creates. I recognize how powerless I am in this situation. I'm still hopeful, but much more realistic about the probable outcomes. It makes me very sad. I don't think I've properly grieved our loss, yet, because I'm still hanging on to hope. I believe this is the next step I need to take in my journey.

I definitely do not judge what others decide to do. Each situation is so unique and loaded with all kinds of history and, honestly, some pwBPD are sicker than others. But, how are we to know that when it rears it's ugly head? Whenever I'm struggling with what to do or how to manage in regards to my BPDD27, my T always encourages me to do what is consistent with my values. Much of my decision-making comes from this place. With that said, I've also done a lot of work to recognize that my needs are important, too, and that I have value. So now, when I'm considering what to do or what to say, I'm not just thinking about my daughter's needs, but mine too.

From the outside looking in, I am also somewhat envious of the parents that walk away from the chaos. I just don't know if I have that in me... . at least not yet. And, honestly, I don't think I would have done anything differently, except to learn detachment much sooner than I have. I believe everything happens for a reason and that some good will come out of something bad, if I choose to apply it. In my case, learning how to communicate more effectively has helped me in other areas of my life and I've also done an enormous amount of research and self-examination which is helping me live more life more effectively.

[tristesse]

HI Chooselove. It does sound like you have been hurting, and I am sorry for that.But I can't pass judgement on any one either. My own journey with my BPDD has left me scarred.  , I am drained in everyway possible, financially, mentally, physically etc., but I cling to hope, and reminders that she has been suffering too. I tell myself that for every ounce of pain she causes me, she feels two. Her suffering is deep, I see the self loathing and remorse after a rage, and it breaks my heart. So I choose to continue fighting for her, even when she will not fight for herself. This illness is no place for wimps, we have to get tough, and grow thick skin. I am not sure I could have detached, even with this knowledge. That's just me and my opinion, but God Bless those with the strength to do so. Hang in there.