Tired of riding the roller coaster

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Here's a link to my intro post which has some background - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=225499.0

First, is it ok to vent some here? I have no family that I feel comfortable talking to, no close friends, and have started seeing a therapist last week. Although I know I will be dealing with this in therapy, the posts I have made so far on this board have helped me more at this point. I've tried writing my thoughts and feelings for my own purposes, but it's really nice to get some feedback.

So at this point, things have gone back to "normal" and we aren't arguing every day. I am trying to do a better job of not reacting when I get attacked and it is keeping flare ups of temper from lasting too long.

After being gone most of the day today (I was expecting her to only be gone for an hour or two, turned out to be 6 hours) she brings me something she bought for me, even though I have told her I don't need it. But I thank her, because I can and will use it.

Then she begins complaining to me that my mom won't give her something she asked for. I tell her that I'm not sure if my mom even has what she is asking for. She says "of course she does, she just won't look for it and find it". My mom does have a cluttered house (not a hoarder or anything though, just normal people that have "stuff" and they don't clean their house as much as we do. So I ask her if she has asked if they have what she wants, or is she assuming they have it because I don't know. She says that my mom has said she'd look for it and that she just hasn't taken the time to do that. I tell her that I doubt that my parents even have it, but all we can do is wait for her to take a look. Which upsets her. And she focuses that on me. But I don't react and the anger dies down fairly quickly. Less than a minute after the conversation is over, she's singing about how much she loves me, after yelling at me because she feels entitled to what she is asking my parents for.

Less than five minutes later, she begins complaining about "all the stupid old bi***es" that she heard complaining about things today and how sick of it she is. The irony was not recognized by her. She moves on to complaining about all the people that she feels that she is better than that she saw and began passing judgement on them as well. I chose to not participate in this conversation.

So now, she wants me to come talk to her. Like usual it is where she wants to talk, and I have to go to her. This is pretty common. She won't come to me and talk, it has to be on her terms. And it's outside where it's pretty hot. Last time she asked me to come outside to talk in hot weather, I got too hot and didn't stay too long. I fear that this is going to be either a chance for her to tell me more about the judgements she has made about total strangers (complain about how everyone is stupid, crazy, or both), or to beat me up for something I have done. Wish me luck. Maybe we will have a normal conversation, that hope is still there. She is sitting outside alternating between telling me she loves me and complaining about every car that drives by and what they are doing (yelling all this through the window). I don't think it's going to be a fun conversation.

I'm so tired of all this. How do you guys deal with the negativity about... . well, about everything?

[NotASnowflake]

Here's a link to my intro post which has some background - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=225499.0

First, is it ok to vent some here? I have no family that I feel comfortable talking to, no close friends, and have started seeing a therapist last week. Although I know I will be dealing with this in therapy, the posts I have made so far on this board have helped me more at this point. I've tried writing my thoughts and feelings for my own purposes, but it's really nice to get some feedback.

So at this point, things have gone back to "normal" and we aren't arguing every day. I am trying to do a better job of not reacting when I get attacked and it is keeping flare ups of temper from lasting too long.

After being gone most of the day today (I was expecting her to only be gone for an hour or two, turned out to be 6 hours) she brings me something she bought for me, even though I have told her I don't need it. But I thank her, because I can and will use it.

Then she begins complaining to me that my mom won't give her something she asked for. I tell her that I'm not sure if my mom even has what she is asking for. She says "of course she does, she just won't look for it and find it". My mom does have a cluttered house (not a hoarder or anything though, just normal people that have "stuff" and they don't clean their house as much as we do. So I ask her if she has asked if they have what she wants, or is she assuming they have it because I don't know. She says that my mom has said she'd look for it and that she just hasn't taken the time to do that. I tell her that I doubt that my parents even have it, but all we can do is wait for her to take a look. Which upsets her. And she focuses that on me. But I don't react and the anger dies down fairly quickly. Less than a minute after the conversation is over, she's singing about how much she loves me, after yelling at me because she feels entitled to what she is asking my parents for.

Less than five minutes later, she begins complaining about "all the stupid old bi***es" that she heard complaining about things today and how sick of it she is. The irony was not recognized by her. She moves on to complaining about all the people that she feels that she is better than that she saw and began passing judgement on them as well. I chose to not participate in this conversation.

So now, she wants me to come talk to her. Like usual it is where she wants to talk, and I have to go to her. This is pretty common. She won't come to me and talk, it has to be on her terms. And it's outside where it's pretty hot. Last time she asked me to come outside to talk in hot weather, I got too hot and didn't stay too long. I fear that this is going to be either a chance for her to tell me more about the judgements she has made about total strangers (complain about how everyone is stupid, crazy, or both), or to beat me up for something I have done. Wish me luck. Maybe we will have a normal conversation, that hope is still there. She is sitting outside alternating between telling me she loves me and complaining about every car that drives by and what they are doing (yelling all this through the window). I don't think it's going to be a fun conversation.

I'm so tired of all this. How do you guys deal with the negativity about... . well, about everything?

[maxsterling]

How do I deal with the negativity?  I tune it out.  I tell myself it has nothing to do with me.  I tell myself that she has a right to feel negative.  I do my best to focus on me.

But my GF is negative 95% of the day, neutral for about 4.5%, and positive for about 0.5%.  Obviously, that has worn me out.  I'm doing better at just accepting that as her issue and not letting it affect me, but there are two areas where it's hard to ignore - 1)  when the negativity turns towards herself through suicide or self hatred talk.  That's been a daily thing the past few weeks.  2)  When the negativity gets directed at me or the r/s.  If she is talking about friends or just life or other people - it's unfortunate to hear, and I can use the tools and lessons found here and dethatch and do okay.  But the minute it turns to her or me or our r/s, I just feel panic.