Help me move on after 18 years... like he has done

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

    

reposting in this category... . thank you for reading

   

Ok. Here is my story. I met my soon to be ex husband 18 years ago. He acted like he could not live without me during our first 6 months so we decided to get married 3 months later.  First signs of problems were staying out with friends, while I worked.  Jumping away from a girl in back parking lot while drinking with buddies, knowing I was going to pick him up and we were barely married less than one month but I was already pregnant.  Started acting funny on computer and found out he was looking at porn. I tried to ignore because I did not want my marriage to be a failure like my parents. 

Two kids later and many fights over porn watching... . I find out 5 years ago he got on many adult dating sites and had contacted unknown people on craigslist for encounters.  Stated he never did anything and wanted to save our marriage... that he worked so hard for and too many years to just give up.  Still kept on with his PROBLEM and hurting me and my kids. 

Ok 2014. Met a woman at a training seminar out of town and was talking to her (I will never know the truth) on phone behind my back for two weeks till he finally told me.  They called eachother all day and night. He told me he called her and told her he chooses his wife but will explain one last time if she needs to call... . HEllo I am the wife but she needed explaining and was only a friend.  I still give a chance since I want to believe so bad and he keeps saying to trust him.  I always said if he wanted to be with someone else, even if for a night, to leave me first and give me atleast that little bit of respect as he requests from me.

Then our anniversary of 17 years comes and buys me expensive gift and tells me how he loves me and to trust him and that he would never hurt me and all these plans for OUR future together... . He starts acting weird on trips while out of town in certain area.  Busy all of a sudden, working out, no phone signal, talking to people out there(men) in same boat.  Then BAM.  I get a call three weeks ago... . he says " I want a divorce because we are toxic for eachother and I CRINGE when I talk to you or even answer phone and I do not try to fight him about this and just agree with everything he has done in past and never letting me GET to TRUST him again...  

But then he goes on crying for an hour or two on how he cant imagine not being with me and me sleeping with others and to not bring anyone to our home while he pays for it.  He swears he has not met anyone and does not plan to for a long time but wants to be with someone else.  He says he will not think with his other part anymore since it has only gotten him in trouble.  Next day acts weird when I call him about kids. Next day he calls again crying and talks for two hours about us getting an amicable divorce and be friends and travel still together for kids... . etc. 

He never states sorry to me for what he has done and tells me on his own free will that he was flirting with that girl back when we got married and even before we got married and that he probably was going to cheat on me back when he got caught in 09 on adult sites.  He has not once said he wants me back.  I start seeing calls to a certain number and ask him two days later(5 days from being told we need to get divorced) if he has met someone else and he said yes.  I find out he met someone and slept with her a week before and night before he tells me he wants divorce.  She says he has to tell me he wants divorce to meet HER KIDS and go to HER HOME so he does.

All of this, him meeting her and doing whatever with her occured in less than 3 months.  He broke down on trip, I paid for motel room and he goes and sleeps with her while I worry about how he is doing and our bills.  He tried to throw the blame on me to get out of his guilt of what he has done.  He calls next day and I ignore phone. He calls again next day and I ignore phone until nighttime. Then I talk to him and he asks me like nothing if I got his calls of where he is and where he might go next.  Then he acts real quite as if he is going to cry and MAYBE say sorry... . I let him have it.  I told him he was a piece of Sh...   a coward for what he thinks is a man, to have done me like this and make me think he was being honest at first when he lied all along and had cheated on me.  I also tell him "Why do you keep calling me if I made you CRINGE so much when talking to me?" He could not answer me... . as usual.  All everything is going to be about him and his needs and wants.  I will never get the answers I look for.

I had actually thanked him that first day for being honest like I had asked all along. I told him that I take it back now that I knew he had lied to me all along and was a coward that could not let me go first by divorce and then go and hook up with her if she was so worth it.   I told him  he was the TOXIC one trying to throw his guilt on our marriage when he asked me the next day after first sleeping with her if I still loved him and how he loves me so much and misses me( I still did not know he had slept with her yet).  He let me go on to try to refinance home that week before I was told we need to get a divorce. WHY... . he knew he was going to leave me.  I told him that he always lied to me and was always thinking with the wrong Head and doing bad things to me and our marriage and affecting our kids. 

he defended her on how was SHE going to ever trust him after how they met.  So apparently they were meeting up and talking many different times before they hooked up.  He said she would cook for him since he could not spend money without me knowing.  What kind of WOMAN(she is not) does that and aides in breaking up a marriage when she has kids herself. I think she wanted someone to take car of her and kids because she lives down road from place they met and she should have never been there but apparently must prowl area for stupid men.  He made his choice...

Two days later is my birthday-no call but to kids to say he loves them and will call later... . no mention of my birthday.  He never calls. Next day is mothers day and no call either.  He was with her those both days and spent money on her and her family but never calls our kids or me... . He came into town three days later to finally see/talk to his children.  I talk to him and he starts crying and acting like he is suffering so much and I told him he was being very bad with kids not calling them to see how they are BUT spending time with her kids and her family when he has his own. 

He had nerve to call her in OUR home one hour after being here.  I had to act like I did not know but it was killing me.  He had nerve to talk to our teenage son about it and blame me and marriage even though my son knows about the other woman. He then goes on to ask how to text on tablet and texts her infront of my son.  Then asks how to Facebook without me getting to see messages and keeps asking my son to make sure what he is saying so that I will not be able to see messages.  My son was so hurt and mad saying he felt he was throwing me under bus and did not want to answer but that my husband would not stop asking before he left. This is how my son has a last memory of his father before he left. 

I told my husband to not put my son ever in that position again and that a REAL father would not do that to his child.  My husband lied and said he was only asking how to write to a male friend without the message being seen.  I did not want to betray my son so i went along with that even though it was a lie and told him that he should ask his male friend or GIRLFRIEND on how to do that and not hurt our son because he knows what is going on and feels betrayed. 

Here I am two days later... . I am getting a divorce, feel hurt, sad, anxious, want to move on, scared of future.  I decided in this time to work out and eat right so I can lose weight, feel better and do something positive with my life instead of eating bad and getting worse with weight gain.  I have lost 20 lbs so far but I have also lost my dignity. I feel so embarrased with friends/family to know what he did to me. EVERYONE thought we were so in love and would make it forever.  I dont know how to answer when I am asked what happened since no one has seen him. 

I want to move on and trust again one day without having to look over my shoulder at what the other person is doing.  I had a horrible marriage always wondering and trying to keep him from doing something when he did it anyway.  I realize he has BPD by what i have read... . I am so hurt since I was the one duped and he is with HER. I dont want him but it hurts to know he wants her and I was just tossed aside.  I hurt for my children too whose lives are about to be turned upside down by HIS actions. To top it off, no protection used because he trusts her that she said she cant have kids... . I feel so sick... . I gave all I could to save the marriage before... . any comments appreciated.

[lifeafter18years]

    

reposting in this category... . thank you for reading

   

Ok. Here is my story. I met my soon to be ex husband 18 years ago. He acted like he could not live without me during our first 6 months so we decided to get married 3 months later.  First signs of problems were staying out with friends, while I worked.  Jumping away from a girl in back parking lot while drinking with buddies, knowing I was going to pick him up and we were barely married less than one month but I was already pregnant.  Started acting funny on computer and found out he was looking at porn. I tried to ignore because I did not want my marriage to be a failure like my parents. 

Two kids later and many fights over porn watching... . I find out 5 years ago he got on many adult dating sites and had contacted unknown people on craigslist for encounters.  Stated he never did anything and wanted to save our marriage... that he worked so hard for and too many years to just give up.  Still kept on with his PROBLEM and hurting me and my kids. 

Ok 2014. Met a woman at a training seminar out of town and was talking to her (I will never know the truth) on phone behind my back for two weeks till he finally told me.  They called eachother all day and night. He told me he called her and told her he chooses his wife but will explain one last time if she needs to call... . HEllo I am the wife but she needed explaining and was only a friend.  I still give a chance since I want to believe so bad and he keeps saying to trust him.  I always said if he wanted to be with someone else, even if for a night, to leave me first and give me atleast that little bit of respect as he requests from me.

Then our anniversary of 17 years comes and buys me expensive gift and tells me how he loves me and to trust him and that he would never hurt me and all these plans for OUR future together... . He starts acting weird on trips while out of town in certain area.  Busy all of a sudden, working out, no phone signal, talking to people out there(men) in same boat.  Then BAM.  I get a call three weeks ago... . he says " I want a divorce because we are toxic for eachother and I CRINGE when I talk to you or even answer phone and I do not try to fight him about this and just agree with everything he has done in past and never letting me GET to TRUST him again...  

But then he goes on crying for an hour or two on how he cant imagine not being with me and me sleeping with others and to not bring anyone to our home while he pays for it.  He swears he has not met anyone and does not plan to for a long time but wants to be with someone else.  He says he will not think with his other part anymore since it has only gotten him in trouble.  Next day acts weird when I call him about kids. Next day he calls again crying and talks for two hours about us getting an amicable divorce and be friends and travel still together for kids... . etc. 

He never states sorry to me for what he has done and tells me on his own free will that he was flirting with that girl back when we got married and even before we got married and that he probably was going to cheat on me back when he got caught in 09 on adult sites.  He has not once said he wants me back.  I start seeing calls to a certain number and ask him two days later(5 days from being told we need to get divorced) if he has met someone else and he said yes.  I find out he met someone and slept with her a week before and night before he tells me he wants divorce.  She says he has to tell me he wants divorce to meet HER KIDS and go to HER HOME so he does.

All of this, him meeting her and doing whatever with her occured in less than 3 months.  He broke down on trip, I paid for motel room and he goes and sleeps with her while I worry about how he is doing and our bills.  He tried to throw the blame on me to get out of his guilt of what he has done.  He calls next day and I ignore phone. He calls again next day and I ignore phone until nighttime. Then I talk to him and he asks me like nothing if I got his calls of where he is and where he might go next.  Then he acts real quite as if he is going to cry and MAYBE say sorry... . I let him have it.  I told him he was a piece of Sh...   a coward for what he thinks is a man, to have done me like this and make me think he was being honest at first when he lied all along and had cheated on me.  I also tell him "Why do you keep calling me if I made you CRINGE so much when talking to me?" He could not answer me... . as usual.  All everything is going to be about him and his needs and wants.  I will never get the answers I look for.

I had actually thanked him that first day for being honest like I had asked all along. I told him that I take it back now that I knew he had lied to me all along and was a coward that could not let me go first by divorce and then go and hook up with her if she was so worth it.   I told him  he was the TOXIC one trying to throw his guilt on our marriage when he asked me the next day after first sleeping with her if I still loved him and how he loves me so much and misses me( I still did not know he had slept with her yet).  He let me go on to try to refinance home that week before I was told we need to get a divorce. WHY... . he knew he was going to leave me.  I told him that he always lied to me and was always thinking with the wrong Head and doing bad things to me and our marriage and affecting our kids. 

he defended her on how was SHE going to ever trust him after how they met.  So apparently they were meeting up and talking many different times before they hooked up.  He said she would cook for him since he could not spend money without me knowing.  What kind of WOMAN(she is not) does that and aides in breaking up a marriage when she has kids herself. I think she wanted someone to take car of her and kids because she lives down road from place they met and she should have never been there but apparently must prowl area for stupid men.  He made his choice...

Two days later is my birthday-no call but to kids to say he loves them and will call later... . no mention of my birthday.  He never calls. Next day is mothers day and no call either.  He was with her those both days and spent money on her and her family but never calls our kids or me... . He came into town three days later to finally see/talk to his children.  I talk to him and he starts crying and acting like he is suffering so much and I told him he was being very bad with kids not calling them to see how they are BUT spending time with her kids and her family when he has his own. 

He had nerve to call her in OUR home one hour after being here.  I had to act like I did not know but it was killing me.  He had nerve to talk to our teenage son about it and blame me and marriage even though my son knows about the other woman. He then goes on to ask how to text on tablet and texts her infront of my son.  Then asks how to Facebook without me getting to see messages and keeps asking my son to make sure what he is saying so that I will not be able to see messages.  My son was so hurt and mad saying he felt he was throwing me under bus and did not want to answer but that my husband would not stop asking before he left. This is how my son has a last memory of his father before he left. 

I told my husband to not put my son ever in that position again and that a REAL father would not do that to his child.  My husband lied and said he was only asking how to write to a male friend without the message being seen.  I did not want to betray my son so i went along with that even though it was a lie and told him that he should ask his male friend or GIRLFRIEND on how to do that and not hurt our son because he knows what is going on and feels betrayed. 

Here I am two days later... . I am getting a divorce, feel hurt, sad, anxious, want to move on, scared of future.  I decided in this time to work out and eat right so I can lose weight, feel better and do something positive with my life instead of eating bad and getting worse with weight gain.  I have lost 20 lbs so far but I have also lost my dignity. I feel so embarrased with friends/family to know what he did to me. EVERYONE thought we were so in love and would make it forever.  I dont know how to answer when I am asked what happened since no one has seen him. 

I want to move on and trust again one day without having to look over my shoulder at what the other person is doing.  I had a horrible marriage always wondering and trying to keep him from doing something when he did it anyway.  I realize he has BPD by what i have read... . I am so hurt since I was the one duped and he is with HER. I dont want him but it hurts to know he wants her and I was just tossed aside.  I hurt for my children too whose lives are about to be turned upside down by HIS actions. To top it off, no protection used because he trusts her that she said she cant have kids... . I feel so sick... . I gave all I could to save the marriage before... . any comments appreciated.

[arjay]

Wow.  You did have a lot to say and I am grateful that you felt comfortable here enough to "let go" and tell your story.

You "sound" like you are hanging in there, in spite of the chaos and emotions.  Yes having to "splain" to everyone what happened can be difficult at best and embarassing too, because "we" can end up feeling stupid (I did anyway).  We do our best, given our circumstances and our unique situations and do what we think is right at the time.  In the future we may look back and question, but at the time it may have seemed like the right thing to do.

You doing what you need to do for yourself and your children is all you can do and is the best thing (in my opinion).  With your trust being violated so many times, likely even if he did return, you would always wonder.  Your trust is shattered and because of it, your marriage too, BPD or not.  

Do what you can to nurture yourself so that you can be strong for yourself and your children during this major change in your life.  Keep posting too because there are many here that understand what you are going through and will help you to find moments of "validation", something we all needed while leaving and trying to move on.

Peace to you

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi lifeafter18years,

I'm so sorry to hear about your story.  I have some equally horrible war stories.  My BPDexw, while we were married, once had everybody (including me) convinced that her new lover was "gay".  He was her "gay friend" who came to visit mommy while daddy took the rest of the family to visit their grandparents out of state.  I eventually found out, but to this day my children still consider this man a "friend" of mommy and of them... . albeit a stupid "friend" who will forever be my ex wife's minion, always ready to be there when she needs to use him or reject him.  Thankfully, I got off that crazy train.

I know you feel a lot of shame for the things that happened to you.  I used to, too.  For years during our marriage, I hid in the shadows and gave fake smiles to people.  Only some people knew about what my marriage was like, but they didn't really understand either.  But you do not need to blame or punish yourself for what he has done (and dumping shame and worry about what everyone else thinks on your head is punishing yourself).  What you feel is anger and pain underneath it all, and those are right things to feel.

You wrote:

"I had a horrible marriage always wondering and trying to keep him from doing something when he did it anyway."

Yup.  That is how my marriage was.

You wrote:

"I dont want him but it hurts to know he wants her and I was just tossed aside."

Yup. I know this feeling, too.  It hurts like hell... . always being the "not good enough" one, always being replaced.  Don't play his game.  His game is to always keep you (or anyone really) hooked emotionally or to try to show how he is better off somehow.  It's a lie, an illusion.  And it's a game you don't need to play.  NOBODY will be "good enough".  Think "black hole".  I'm sorry you put up with this.  Mine was long and excruciatingly painful, as well, and I endured it all because I loved her, loved our family, and just wanted everything to work.  I waited for that time "just up around the bend" when I thought everything would smooth out, I would finally get a handle on being what she wanted, and she would finally chill out and just be happy.  It won't ever happen.  They project their unhappiness on people in their little circle (people who are committed and emotionally fixed in a relationship with them, like you).  She would tell me that I was always unhappy and ruined her day and rained on her parade because she was "truly a happy person".  Of course I was unhappy!  I was being tortured and blamed for it all for years.  And here's a reality check... . people who sit in front of a mirror and pick their arms and legs for 4 hours until it looks like raw hamburger are not content, happy people.  Just sayin'!

So, I know you are terribly hurt... . sick inside even, but you will feel better.  As much as you will feel tempted to want to "beat" him, you are FAR better off getting to the place of peace and acceptance toward him where you don't carry this load any more and don't try to beat him at his games.  It's like in that 80's movie, War Games.  The only way to "win" is to not play the game.  They construct a false reality and get you to come into it with them.  Time to see with your own eyes and feel with your own heart.

Good luck to you.  I know it is hard.  I know it too well.  It gets better.

[lifeafter18years]

Thank you Arjay and mathetes76.  Your words mean alot right now.  I hung in because we have a special needs child, now 12 besides my 16 yr old.  5 years ago, I did not want his ADDICTIONS to harm her or my son, now I still worry but atleast she is older and can do a little more for herself.  I was a fool to believe he would change for me and for the kids.  Since requesting info from my son about texting so he can keep in touch with my son/daughter, he has not called or texted them once.  This really hurts since I know he is back with her and her kids.  I feel better after reading the articles about BPD and stories here... . lets me know I am not alone in this unfortunate situation.  All my dreams and our future shattered with him forever... . but time to start new dreams and MY future, especially for my kids.

[OutOfEgypt]

All my dreams and our future shattered with him forever... . but time to start new dreams and MY future, especially for my kids.

Yup!  Time for a new focus.  I know you are hurting terribly right now and to some degree you still need to deal with him because of the children (I also share children with my ex... . we were married 13 years, then divorced, then tried to get back together, then it blew up again).  But here's a thought that is actually pretty wonderful:  he doesn't have to be your focus any longer.

When I was married, everything revolved around her.  My mind always revolved around her or trying to figure out how I could finally make her happy, always tiptoeing and walking on eggshells (which didn't stop her affairs, belittling words, utter disrespect, neglect, parentifying of our children, rages about us 'messing up the house', and blame for all of it).  Now, its like I've quit a second full-time job... . a full-time job that didn't pay anything and sucked!

Give it time.  Though you have a massive loss to grieve, your life is far from over.  In a way, it is finally beginning.  You can be a far better mother for your children (and I'm sure you are already... . this kind of thing has a way of forcing us into a position to become wonderfully caring and conscientious parents for our involved children).  Time to feel the wind in your face!

[HazelJade]

I have also lost my dignity.

No, you haven't. You can be in pain, lost, confused, embarrassed, scared of the future... . but there's not one single line in your post where you don't show an amazing dignity and courage.

You asked him to LEAVE you before if he wanted to cheat on you. I don't know many other women who had the same courage. He's the weak one, not you, and you are right, he tried to blame the marriage for his weakness and lack of morals. Weak men do this, and project big time. Don't fall in this trap. Your pain is so understandable, you are just being human, you would be a robot not feeling confused and anxious and scared. But if there's somebody who can make it out of a situation like this, it's a woman like you; it's written all over your post.

[NewMom]

 

I can only confirm what HazelJade said. YOU didn't lose your dignity!  He never had any, as well as no morals.  You had stated your values before and he didn't adhere to them.  You will see, as time and pain subside, that your energy is much better directed towards yourself and your children. 

Being in a similar situation (married for 10, together for 19yrs) and having been left the first time two months before our baby was born, then again when she was 5 mo old (after him having had an affair with a woman who didn't care that he was leaving a pregnant woman) I now realize that I wasn't the one who failed.  I might have tried to ignore the signs in the past but it is also hard when one keeps being lied to... . and trust is one of those things one really wants to cling on to!

You will make it out of this mess with your head up high!  And - even though it doesn't really matter what other people think - others will also realize that it was his doing.  He was the one who chose the path to ignore his BPD.  I also was full of shame and feelings of failure when "confessing" to friends and family about him leaving us (as he also did his best to portray us as "the perfect couple".  At the beginning no one could believe what was happening.  But all of our friends and family realize that all of this was HIS doing.  His issues. 

You deserve more than what has been dealt to you!  Take care of YOU and your lovely children.

(PS.: He will let "himself" out with your replacement soon enough, and she won't be able to save him and she at some point will come to realize that she made a HUGE mistake by letting him into her AND her children's life)

[NewMom]

  She would tell me that I was always unhappy and ruined her day and rained on her parade because she was "truly a happy person".  Of course I was unhappy!  I was being tortured and blamed for it all for years. 

Oh wow!  Thiose are my h's exact words:  "I only just wanted to make you happy, and you never were!"

[lifeafter18years]

Thank you so much NewMom and HazelJade for your words... . you both help me to see that I have not lost my dignity... . just the "Embarrasment" that I let hold me down  for 18 years trying to make "Our Marriage" be the one that made it in both our families especially since it seemed like most everyone "hoped" that it would fail right away from the start.  So I kept on trying and trying to "FIX" what could never be fixed because he did not want it fixed.  THank you again (: