Lying

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am new to this group, so I am asking about lying.  My BPD daughter is 26, she lies all of the time.  Even when it is something that doesn't matter.  These aren't little white lies, these are whoppers told mostly for attention or to get out of something.  Any advice.  She is really in a bad place right now, making lots of bad choices, not seeing a therapist etc.  She has been in therapy for about ten years now, and I haven't really seen any progress.  I think she goes to get her father and me off of her back and doesn't really try.  Of course she lies to the therapist about how well she is doing etc.  Any advice to get her to buy into the need to change to make her life into the kind she says she wants to have?  We love her, but right now we are at the end of our rope!

[madmom]

I am new to this group, so I am asking about lying.  My BPD daughter is 26, she lies all of the time.  Even when it is something that doesn't matter.  These aren't little white lies, these are whoppers told mostly for attention or to get out of something.  Any advice.  She is really in a bad place right now, making lots of bad choices, not seeing a therapist etc.  She has been in therapy for about ten years now, and I haven't really seen any progress.  I think she goes to get her father and me off of her back and doesn't really try.  Of course she lies to the therapist about how well she is doing etc.  Any advice to get her to buy into the need to change to make her life into the kind she says she wants to have?  We love her, but right now we are at the end of our rope!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, tr & I'm glad you made your way to the Parenting a Child Board 

I'm really sorry that your daughter is giving you such a hard time... . until our BPD loved ones realize they have a problem, and then are truly willing to make use of the help available to them, their recovery won't begin. The good news, though, is that you have found us, and if you look to the right-hand side of this page---------> you will find many links to important information that can help you understand her better, and how to deal with her in a way that doesn't push every one of her buttons.

I found that once I learned the communication tools and techniques in those links (Empathy, Validation, S.E.T., Boundaries, Radical Acceptance), my relationship with my son (37) who was diagnosed with BPD a year ago changed the minute I very clumsily used them    And once our relationship changed, to where I stopped pushing his buttons, he started listening to me differently. And when that happened, I was able to help him accept the help available to him. Here's an Article that would be especially helpful to you with that: Article 6: Helping a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder Seek Treatment.

What I did right after my son was diagnosed with BPD and I found this site was to read everything I could before trying to help him, because Before you can make things better, you have to stop making things worse. Once I had an idea of the things I'd been doing and saying that were setting him off and making life unbearable in our home, I very tentatively approached him about a problem that had been driving me crazy forever... .

And, as clumsily as I handled it with my new-found communication techniques of Validation and S.E.T., our life changed in that moment. The expected raging response from him from a usual request I made that had caused a blow-up since who knows when, never happened! Since you are having troubles with her anyway, maybe take a breather from the stress of it for awhile, and spend some time reading the TOOLS and THE LESSONS, and every other link to the right side of this page. Learn what you can, and maybe it can help; what do you have to lose? 

[tristesse]

I am also very new to this site, but everything rapt reader suggested you do is so useful. My first attempt at SET was successful, and I have been stumbling through now for a few weeks, stage free. My BPDD is not I. Therapy and not yet receptive to the idea, but things are progressing, albeit slowly. Hang in there.

[madmom]

Thanks for the advice.  I have started some of the lessons and videos and am finding the help and support to be extremely useful.  My husband is out of town on a business trip and can't wait to get home and take a look at some of the things I have found so that we can work on this together and support each other as we try to make the necessary changes.  Has your BPD child joined this particular online support group?  Has it helped?

[tristesse]

My BPDD is not in the group and as far as I know she does . Not even know poo w of its,existence and I contestant her to. It makes everything I say ok and problem free.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, tr  

My adult son with BPD has read on this site a bit, but decided to stop when he realized that the threads were triggering him and made him angry or upset. I will admit that I haven't gone in and found specific Articles for him to check out, but I did show him the BPD Overview and Documentary - Back From the Edge Video and he liked it very much. But, anything here with replies from the general membership is triggering. The Workshops would do that to him.

We actually do recommend that people with BPD avoid this site, and go here: Resources for BPD Sufferers instead.

Here are a few more links that would help your daughter, tr:

BPD Forums at Psych Central

Healing From BPD.org

Recovery Realm

DBT Self Help

I hope this answers your questions  

[madmom]

Thank you for the info. on the site and my daughter. I so liked the video you mentioned that I wanted to share it with her.  I am lucky in one way, although she can be very irritated in her tone of voice, we seldom see the rages many are talking about, for that I am grateful.  I appreciate the the links/sites you mentioned that she might want to use.  Not going to move to fast with her on this, my husband and I have lots to learn from this site so that we can use some new skills to approach her.  I am so thankful that this site is available and the wonderful support I feel.  I am feeling like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

[peace in steel town]

Remember that people lie for a reason. Either that they are trying to get something, or to avoid something they don't like. And they do it because it works. If dd has been doing it for years, it's because it has worked for years. You can't corner or confront a liar, that only teaches them to be a better liar. All you can do is tell them that you know the truth, and let natural consequences take their course, don't rescue her from her mistakes. You mentioned her life is not  going well for her, let those consequences be her teaching guide. Remember, you can't tell anyone anything if they don't want to hear it.