The pain is so hard to deal with...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am trying to be so strong and move on after 18 years.  He has not once tried to save anything with me... . he is with HER and even put her on his FACEBOOK-hypocrite always critized anyone, including me, for having a facebook.  I saw HER two days ago and I feel so sick.  SHE has nothing to ME and looks like she could be his mom.  I am having so much trouble with not looking.  Last night I finally did not look him up or today.  I am trying to keep being strong but my heart keeps forgetting all the BAD he has done to me unless I remind myself.  I DONT want him back but it hurts that he did not even try to keep me and chose her. I know that does not make any sense but this is how I feel.  Alot of people on here atleast have  been begged, pleaded... etc to return with their BP.  I have not had any of this come from him, even though I wont, I have not been given the chance to even refuse.  Was my 18 years for nothing... . He finally called the kids last night and was so cold to me when I answered the phone. Not even a hello.  I am upset because he wont call kids when he is with her, only when he leaves back on road for work.  I am barely going into my fourth week of separation and when will it get easier?    I have been cleaning house since I will have to be selling and moving and it is so overwhelming to erase 18 years of life and stuff as if it never was. 

[lifeafter18years]

I am trying to be so strong and move on after 18 years.  He has not once tried to save anything with me... . he is with HER and even put her on his FACEBOOK-hypocrite always critized anyone, including me, for having a facebook.  I saw HER two days ago and I feel so sick.  SHE has nothing to ME and looks like she could be his mom.  I am having so much trouble with not looking.  Last night I finally did not look him up or today.  I am trying to keep being strong but my heart keeps forgetting all the BAD he has done to me unless I remind myself.  I DONT want him back but it hurts that he did not even try to keep me and chose her. I know that does not make any sense but this is how I feel.  Alot of people on here atleast have  been begged, pleaded... etc to return with their BP.  I have not had any of this come from him, even though I wont, I have not been given the chance to even refuse.  Was my 18 years for nothing... . He finally called the kids last night and was so cold to me when I answered the phone. Not even a hello.  I am upset because he wont call kids when he is with her, only when he leaves back on road for work.  I am barely going into my fourth week of separation and when will it get easier?    I have been cleaning house since I will have to be selling and moving and it is so overwhelming to erase 18 years of life and stuff as if it never was. 

[Emelie Emelie]

I am so sorry.    to you.  Wish there was something I could say to ease your pain.  It will get easier with time.  After 18 years it has to still be pretty fresh after three or four weeks.  You don't need to "be strong and move on" quite yet.  Give yourself a break and let yourself grieve. 

Has you ex been diagnosed with BPD?

[HazelJade]

I hear you, I really do.

I've been through the very same thing. Replaced in a blink of an eye, abrubtly abandoned, the whole FB madness, not a word for many months. And just when I was starting feeling better (one year after) the first recycle attempt came. Which opened a whole new nightmare.

It is true that it gets much, much better but you are in a real emotional emergency now so I will keep it to the basics:

* what you are experiencing now is possibly the most excruciating pain one can go through in a lifetime. I felt I was going mad after 1.5 years relationship, I can't imagine what it can be after 18 years and having kids. Be extremely, extremely patient and accepting of all your feelings, you have all the rights to feel like you feel. Treat yourself how you will treat someone who's just been stabbed in her back, and is bleeding all over; you need all the silent energy, the wisdom of your body, the care of loving people around you. Rest. Take medicines, if you need them. Eat healthy food. Reduce contacts to the minimum, ask someone to talk with him in your place if needed.

Reading what he has done to you in your other thread you have all the rights to be extremely angry with him and need time far from him to recover.

* you need a serious support group. Really. A warm, understanding therapist, as often as you can afford it. A couple of very good friends who can bear to see you crying your eyes off when you need it without getting scared.

Don't be ashamed to tell people you need help, but be sure of the people you choose. I have learned who were my real friends after all this, for the first time in my life.

* Don't fall into the FB trap. I went literally mad with pain until I deleted my account to force myself out of that madness. One year after I logged in again and realized that all the window dressing had stopped the very same month I deleted my account. Cause this is what it was, I'm 100% sure now; just window dressing, for my benefit (to try to kill me with pain, apparently) and for the others, to show off how happy he was. A few months later he was posting videos of himself almost crying. This is how happy he was. But that's another story.

* you know when you say "he wont call kids when he is with her, only when he leaves back on road for work"... . this shows exactly how confident he is in the success of this new relationship, how relaxed he is, how mature. He is the one who's totally lost, against all appeareances. Don't let his cold voice or any of the appearences he's trying to put up shake your strength, cause you are strong, and you are proving it, right now, with your 4 weeks, your coming here asking for support instead of begging him, with the dignity that you show in your posts.  You are 1000 stronger than what you think you are now, and time will prove you right.

He's not happy, at all, the replacement is just an easy way for him to postpone the pain. Time will let you see how happy this new relationship was. I can assure you of this.

You can make it, even if some days will feel impossible to bear. You will make it. And you are not alone.  We are here for you.

[HazelJade]

Just a last note, to make you smile.

My replacement looks like his mom too, honest to God.

Maybe this should tell us something? 

[lifeafter18years]

Thanks so much HazelJade... . I needed to hear what you said... . Thank you again so much. especially with the last remark... she really does look that awful and like his mom... . such shock at what he chose over OUR FAMILY... . OVER his OWN CHILDREN.