I am doing this wrong. Insights?

[intoashell]

Any thoughts or ideas/insights would be really appreciated.

Have tried LC but it hasen't worked for me. I was fogged yesterday , started by being guilted into conversation about how well he is getting on now and some information about his sister. It feels like it was a smokescreen and the window was opened for the barrage of emotional blackmail, blame and twisting. Subsequently I haven't eaten all day through feeling nauseous and guilty.

I also feel angry at times as yesterday he decided to have a go at using the death of a close relative of mine for his own selfish gain/ try and beat me into submission.

I understand this is an illness but things often feel so calculated that its mind bending. He actually dosen't care a tiny amount about my feelings except to try and make me feel bad (and thats what it feels like).

I can see he is in for a recycle (which has never happened after I ended it) and I can see how the  were easy to miss at the beginning of the relationship. It is convincing, easy to doubt yourself or believe the words.

I don't know what to do now. I spoke to my mother about it and a friend but its like people keep applying logic to the illogical. Like when people talk about boundaries. I KNOW about boundaries but that for me is why BPD is impossible to deal with. Boundaries are in my experience a trigger and a challenge to my uBPDexboyfriend, he rail roaded them, very often using in his eyes "caring motives". Like banging my door at 4am because I had said I wasn't availiable that evening etc etc. He said he was worried, as even if I wasn't availiable on the evening apparently I should have been answering my phone at 3.00am.

So NC it will have to be, do I tell him? . what difference does it make anyway. It is another boundary that he wont respect. It feels so hopeless.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Into-

It has to be about you now.  If your relationship was anything like mine, it was always all about the borderline, and those of us susceptible will put our own needs aside to 'fix' whatever's going on with them.  :)ecide for yourself, but that is usually natural for us, and we need to consciously make our needs number one.  For some people staying in contact with their ex while they're learning about the disorder and skills to deal with it helps them detach.  For me there was no point, we weren't married and didn't have kids, plus I felt like I was literally going insane, so I left and stopped all communication.  I did get an email from her many months after I left, and by then I had detached enough and learned enough about the disorder enough  to see through her crap, and that actually helped me detach, but in the beginning I had to bail, no question.

Do what's best for you and only you, make it a priority; if you can't deal with him on any level, don't.  Take care of you!

[arjay]

You will find helpful suggestions in the [Leaving A Partner With BPD] (particularly the section on ending the relationship) and I have included the link.  I used to read the document almost daily in the beginning, to remind myself what I was up against.

It is a very tough process to disengage and if we don't have a general strategy and take advantage of the very useful information here on this site, the process can be even more difficult and painful.

Just keep posting in those "weak moments" and we will be here to support you.

Peace

[intoashell]

Thanks for the replies, really helpful  . This relationship wasn't long, no kids, not married and even managed to avoid him moving in when he threw everything he had at that. My other relationships have never been anything like this. The only way to describe it is feeling totally responsible and guilty and frightened of his states. Knowing about BPD just seems to make it worse for me - no anger, just sadness and feeling responsible for his life because he is ill. Which is too much for one person.

If I block him to avoid the abuse, that also blocks any cry for help (as in suicidal thoughts). My feelings of guilt/worry then hit the roof which he knows anyway which is why he has stated previously that "he could have been dead and I don't care" if I haven't responded within 10 mins to an ordinary email.

Exhausting and insanity producing. People go on about BPD & emotional levels of 3 year olds, but I wouldn't ignore a distraught 3 year old. Yet I wouldn't fear for my mental, emotional and physical health against a 3 year old. He is not 3, he is 32.

It is very confusing to me. There seems to be lots of different ideas out there for dealing with BPD and some of which feel contradictory (perhaps its me   ). For example on leaving a person with BPD don't use "maybe" "someday" etc. Surely this has to be the biggest slap in the face for someone and massive trigger. Makes me feel bad.

Heeltoheal : I know your right this has to be about me. Just wish I had the strength to live with whatever the outcome. You guys here are a big help.

[JackBlacknBlue]

Going NC is a hard process.  Requires everything you have to ignore the 3am banging at the door, block communications, and show no sign of acknowledging or bending to the extremes this person might go to.  As a therapist said to me, "if you get a call from a hospital at 2am saying they found your friend bleeding to death, are you prepared to say, sorry to hear that and hang up?" 

You'll need to decide for yourself what you want or are capable of doing.  If you choose NC, build up a support network because you'll need it.

[arjay]

Knowing about BPD just seems to make it worse for me - no anger, just sadness and feeling responsible for his life because he is ill. Which is too much for one person.

If I block him to avoid the abuse, that also blocks any cry for help (as in suicidal thoughts).

As my "T" reminded me "she has managed to cope with life long before you and will do so long after you.  It was never your job to take ownership for her well-being.  It is up to each of us to do that for ourselves."

The longer we enable their behavior, the LESS inclined they will ever be to change it.  It is likely your inner "rescuer/co-dependent" that is being exploited.  It happened to me too.  My 'ex' DID move-on and find somebody else.

Peace to you