Feeling down

[BadKitty]

I am felling down about our relationship. I just need some encouraging words and perhaps some advice.

Things were going good for 3 weeks. I was feeling so happy. We got a new kitten which I thought helped my BPDbf with his issues. He was excited to spend the 3 day weekend with me and the new kitten. He had many plans for us. I was feeling a bit down about family issues I had going on but hid it as best I could. On top of that, I have been working long hours so that has added to the stress.

Friday night he decided to stay with his dad. OK, a bad start but I let it go. He could tell I was upset even though I tried to hide it but we moved on. He came back Saturday morning, he asked me why I was feeling down the night before. I told him I was just exhausted from work and thinking about my dad. He comforted me for about 10 minutes then cooked us breakfast. I ended up falling asleep but woke up and we went to the movies and on with the rest of our plans. We had a good day. Sunday we had a good day until dinner time. We went out to eat and he was looking at the drink menu. I stupidly said "Are you going to drink?" I suppose I should have know that the question would trigger something. He knows about my alcoholic father, and my alcoholic ex and I am guessing he is feeling guilty. Dumb mistake. I wish I could take it back. That one question ruined the whole evening and my Memorial Day. Now here I sit alone. I have been broken up with yet again. He went out to enjoy the holiday and I sit here depressed and lonely.

I know I shouldn't feel this way but I have been struggling inside with my own issues and I can't shake the feeling. I know I should get out and do something but all my friends are unavailable. I can't help but think, is the for real this time? Are we really broken up or will he come back again. I truly do love him and despite his illness I just want to be with him but every time this happens I feel like it's the last time.

I don't know what more to say. I am depressed and don't know how to handle myself or him right now.   :'(

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RJC83]

Hi 

I may not be the most qualified person to offer advice but I feel my situation is very similar to yours and I may be able to give some sort of comfort.

I’m very sorry to hear your situation with your bf.  I understand that the pressures of trying to live a normal life for yourself whilst dealing with their issues can be extremely draining. 

I seem to be having a good(ish) day today as I am in work after a long weekend with my dBPDw and this is where I connect to your story.  We also just bought a kitten and things so far are going ok.  Although it did take some deciding (making sure it wasn’t a short term mood filler – at one point we ended up with 7 Degu’s, 2 Rabbits, 2 Hamsters, a cat and also a rat for a short while!).  This was in the early days mind, but it’s always been something I have been cautious about since.

If you do love your partner and have found that this has happened before, they could see you as a safety net - as far as leaving and then being able to come back and trying again.  I know this is a hard area to get around as you often know they are punishing themselves by leaving you to help you, but setting ‘relationship boundaries’ aiming to limit the times they walk away from it, making sure they know the consequences if they do and how this affects you.

I know I love my wife, but my god it’s hard sometimes!  I have been through depression but still suffer from self esteem issues and some anxieties.  I have come to think of this as normal recently but worry that in the long term I am ruining my-self. 

You truly are an amazing person to keep on coping.   

Please don’t forget to look after yourself and praise the efforts you make.  It has helped me re-realise what I need in my life to actually be happy.  It is tough doing those things sometimes as there may seem to be things blocking you all the time i.e. friends not available.  Things you can pamper yourself with are usually good.  I find putting some music on louder than usual when I have the chance around the house helps my mind from wondering back onto the problems.

Anyway, there you go.  That’s just my experiences and how I have tried to get past them. 

I hope you all the best wishes,

Rob

UK

[kikimo]

When this happens to me, I get busy. Turn the radio on, wash him out of your mind, and work on a project or hobby. It will be hard to do at first, but once you get involved, you'll see that you're feeling a little bit better. When my bf has cut me off, I've noticed he comes back when I get busy. I can't let my world stop because he is in a mood or mode.

In any relationship (with someone with or w/o BPD), always get busy in fixing yourself. Two things you never want to lose to a relationship 1) yourself 2) your happiness. I know it's easier said than done, but hang in there.

[BadKitty]

Thank you both for your responses. I am feeling much better now.

I ended up binge watching TV show and soon began to feel better. Once I got back to work, my mind was busy and I didn't even have time to think about it. That evening he was back to normal. Now I am trying to focus on me and my happiness. It's hard to do when all you do is work, but I am back to thinking positive thoughts.

I am going to remember the radio thing for next time. I do love listening to music. I have no idea why I never thought of that. On the bad days, I just crawl into my little hole and sulk for awhile. Some days I can handle it well and will go shopping or see a friend but this weekend was rough on me for some reason.

Today he asks me, "Why do you stay with me?" I am sure all of us have been asked this very same question and my answer is always the same. "Because I love you." I wonder what everyone else's answers are? Maybe I should post a new topic with this question. 

[LoveLove]

To the last post... . when they ask "why do you stay?" I don't think they want to hear "because I love you"... . they can't handle that because they already feel unworthy of love, they don't believe they deserve it... .

I'm still trying to figure out the best answer too... . some validation is needed. But I don't know what... . any suggestions would be appreciated... .