If we didn't know they were BPD?

[Emelie Emelie]

At the beginning of our relationship, after the first crazy jealousy rage, he told about BPD.  Reviewed the list of traits with me on line.  He gave me a book, asked me to do my homework; asked me to let him know if I could deal with it.  He was in tears. He said if you can't I'd rather know now.  It will only hurt more the longer I'm with you.  He told me he was terrified of abandonment and got very insecure and jealous.  He said I'll scream at you and act like I hate you because I'm afraid of losing you but I swear to God I'll never lay a hand on you. (He didn't.) 

So I learned about the disorder.  When the devaluing/hating started I tried so hard not to take it personally.  It was extremely hurtful... . but I told myself he was "afraid of losing me"... . right?  That's what he told me.  So I just tried to love him through it.  Make him feel more secure.  And I felt like I had made a commitment to him.  I "said" I could deal with it.  What I didn't expect was the "discarding".  The dumping me.  Twice.  He was just going to act like he hated me.  Surprise surprise when I realized he actually did.

I guess my point is... . if I didn't know that he had BPD... . I would have just thought he was a raging jerk.  I wonder now if I accepted a lot of really unacceptable behavior because it was what I came to expect from a pwBPD.  Nothing I read prepared me for what I learned once I found BPD family... . after the first break up.  All the hell partners of people with BPD go through.  I wonder if I would have been better off not knowing.  I would like to think I would have left the relationship before he had a chance to discard me. 

[kfifd196]

Hi... . I'm sorry to hear of your circumstance.  I am in a similar one, like everyone else here.  My uBPD wife was amazing, except when she raged or was triggered.  I didn't know about BPD and I don't think she knows she has it.  She has told me about her abandonment issues, trust issues and insecurities and fear of losing me and even thanked me many times for being patient with her.  Unfortunately, the last time she snapped, I'd had enough and said nasty things back.  She was devaluing me fiercely!  She bit me and left the house, leaving our 1 year old crying at midnight... . then returned as if nothing happened and moved out the next day and subsequently filed for divorce.  She HATES me and is doing all she can to destroy me.  When your boyfriend left and said he hated you, did he ever apologize or return to rekindle the relationship?  I'm wondering IF my wife will stop hating me and remember why she married me, etc.  A day before she snapped, she professed her love for me and told me how grateful she was and blessed I was in her life and how happy she was... . then the snap and she said she "can't do this anymore"... . she can't seem to cope with "little" disagreements, that most married couples get over in a few minutes.  Thank you.

[fromheeltoheal]

I learned Abbott BPD after I left her, and honestly it was a huge relief, along with knowing all the folks here were going through something similar; I no longer felt alone in my insanity.  I don't know what I would have done had she been diagnosed and told me; on the one hand I may have said screw it and left sooner, on the other I may have been more sympathetic and stuck around trying to help more.  I don't know, but I do know that I got completely lost when I was in it, and the knowledge that she had a disorder might have explained a few things and therefore helped me retain a little sanity, but that still wouldn't have made the behaviors ok.

[Emelie Emelie]

kfifd:  Yes he did return to rekindle the relationship.  Apologized sincerely for hurting me.  Made me a lot of promises (to deal with his issues).  Told me he loved me more than any woman he had ever known.  (There have been a lot of them.)  The second time the only thing different was the time frame.  First time was almost a year.  Second time he dumped me after four months.  I'm sorry I can't give you better news.

HeeltoHeal: You're right.  Disordered or not the behaviors are not okay.  They are especially not okay when someone is aware of the disorder and does not get help and continues to hurt people.  And blames them for everything that went wrong. 

[kfifd196]

Sorry for all of the questions... . And no, the behavior is totally unacceptable.  I've been bitten, spit on, hot tea thrown on me, $1,000 damage to the house, etc.  I wish I knew about BPD sooner, because I would've brought it up to our marriage counselor, but unfortunately, my wife blamed me for everything and convinced even me, that I was to blame!  How bad was it when he discarded you? 

I wonder if my wife will ever be able to face me, if she snaps back to normal.  She has filed a Restraing Order against me, which was dropped and now threatend to file another and is lying.  Luckily I have emails, which prove she is lying.  It's hard to understand, w\o knowing about BPD, how someone who loved you so much could become so evil and want you destroyed!  And there is nothing I can do, but hope she snaps back, so I support her and help her help herself.  I know she wanted to get help before she snapped, but doesn't know about BPD and from what I'm learning, not many therapists do either!

[christoff522]

Hi... . I'm sorry to hear of your circumstance.  I am in a similar one, like everyone else here.  My uBPD wife was amazing, except when she raged or was triggered.  I didn't know about BPD and I don't think she knows she has it.  She has told me about her abandonment issues, trust issues and insecurities and fear of losing me and even thanked me many times for being patient with her.  Unfortunately, the last time she snapped, I'd had enough and said nasty things back.  She was devaluing me fiercely!  She bit me and left the house, leaving our 1 year old crying at midnight... . then returned as if nothing happened and moved out the next day and subsequently filed for divorce.  She HATES me and is doing all she can to destroy me.  When your boyfriend left and said he hated you, did he ever apologize or return to rekindle the relationship?  I'm wondering IF my wife will stop hating me and remember why she married me, etc.  A day before she snapped, she professed her love for me and told me how grateful she was and blessed I was in her life and how happy she was... . then the snap and she said she "can't do this anymore"... . she can't seem to cope with "little" disagreements, that most married couples get over in a few minutes.  Thank you.

funny that, the day before I was discarded, I was told "you're all I want, I just want to be with you"... and then poof "I don't need this, I'm better off on my own, I need to 'enjoy' myself", before going back to her ex.

They run the same old programs, build you up to knock you down. I didn't know she was BPD, suspected she was a narcissist, discovered BPD after, kinda shocked me, felt bad for kicking off on her about how evil she was. But now I'm glad, and more determined than ever that I did the right thing. Its sad for you sir that you have a baby, but shes safer with you than with someone who probably only wants it because she feels like the baby 'needs' her, and gives her a reason to exist. She left YOU and the baby. Thats not the sign of a loving, caring human being deserving of a lifetime with you.

My condition to EVER take her back is this, she goes into therapy for BPD and makes a concerted effort to recover... but I know that'll never ever happen. So I'm basically free of her and glad it never went any further.

[Emelie Emelie]

Kififd:  How bad was it when he discarded you? 

Horrible.  Both times.  Ripped me apart.