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Author Topic: i am really fed up with this life  (Read 1338 times)
antjs
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« on: July 18, 2014, 01:11:54 PM »

either my life should end or it would get back the way it was before the 25th of january 2014. is this the real life ? i really need this to be a long nightmare that i will wake up after. I want me back. I have never felt this amount of pain before in my life. i am fed up of her, of me, of my therapist, of this board, of introspection, of life that has pouring bad stuff on me for 3 years now. every time a catastrophe happens i say "thats it. this is the darkness before the dawn. God is teaching me a lesson before it gets back easy and good" "can it get worse ?" and then i would laugh at life and say "easy life my last question was just rhetorical. you do not have to prove me everything." her appearing in my life seemed like the light in the end of the dark tunnel. and oh god, she was like the finish him in a boxing match.

when this is gonna end ? cycling from and to anger, obligation, guilt, fear, anxiety, depression, bargaining. I feel that if rehabs want to help cocaine addicts to feel good about themselves then they should read our board. I really do miss my ideal parent that i have never had. i miss her idealization i confess. i am that weak. I miss the safety in her arms. sometimes i feel that i want to go sleep for years in a dream with her like in the movie "inception". life is not giving me the chance to breathe even concerning other stuff going on in my life. I am sitting here friday night drinking my tea and writing here while others are out having fun and socializing with friends. the lessons learned from this experience is not worth all this pain. she was never worth my love. how can i be that blind about her ? her history speaks for itself. why did i imagine that i would be different than the 99 guys before me ? anything that i do not know about BPD ? no any issues that i might not know about myself ? no but what is the next step ? when these circles are gonna stop ? when this circus in my mind is gonna end ? when will i move on with my life ? when will i get a job ? friends ? financial security ? a decent place to live in ? when i will not feel little or not confident or having a false self ? if i would write from now till eternity i would not be able to comprehend the agony i am feeling and for what ? for someone who is incapable of love ? for someone who i started my relationship with as an empath who loved her and wanted her life to be better and now it is the one who is soaked in all these negative feelings ? did i make her feel better for 6 weeks and in return i am in pain for months ? i want a ray of light. i really need it. nothing around me suggests that it will get better soon. i am just waiting for the pain to pass as resembling as i was waiting for her to split me white again when i was with her. both feels the same. both makes you feel like a slave. God have mercy on me. I have been showered with bad news during my healing.
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« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2014, 01:23:30 PM »

I'm sorry Antony.
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« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2014, 01:33:43 PM »

I know how you feel.  You can get your life back and feel better again.  It's totally understandable to want that thing it is that she gave you.  I hope you can take time and be good to yourself and find that eventually with the right person.

I know from my own relationship with my ex gf that attaching myself and my sense of well being to her really damaged my career a lot and has been incapacitating at times.  I think some distance from her will give you more chance to explore what you want to do career wise and build the life for yourself.
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« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2014, 01:38:40 PM »

I have been NC for 4 months now after a 6 week old r\s with her. i am detached from her as a person that i know her truth. but i really miss the person i once thought i had. i am not angry at her as a person. i am angry at the whole interaction. there is nothing to do about it except that to accept the pain and endure it while it lasts but this is too much. nothing in my life did upset me that much even failing a very important exam in my career. even when my dad got into the cardiac care unit. i dont know what the hell is that !
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« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2014, 01:47:13 PM »

AJ -- I am sorry you are suffering.   I see how hard you have been working, and how you have reached out to others here to help them.

Early on after abandonment -- when I felt like a strung out addict without hope -- I was given a book by Pema Chodron called, "When Things Fall Apart."  It was not a magic wand, or a magic fix, or potent medicine.   And, oddly, it did nothing except say:  pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

We take our pain so personally.   We believe we suffer because of fate, chance, or the hand of the universe.   But -- the truth is -- all people suffer.  Period.  

It is inescapable.  Hence, this story:

The Buddhists say that any time we suffer misfortune, two arrows fly our way.

The first arrow, the pain, is the actual bad event. The second arrow, the suffering, is our reaction to the bad event, the way we chose to respond emotionally.

The first arrow often is unavoidable. The second arrow often is self-inflicted.


My friend -- perhaps it's time to just take a deep breath.   Step out of your head for a while, and treat yourself as you have treated so many people here -- with kindness.

If we stop struggling for a while, and say -- "I consent" -- to whatever is happening, we come back to ourselves.  

Please -- give yourself a break.  You deserve it.
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« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2014, 01:47:41 PM »

I'm sorry about the frustration that you are feeling right now antony_james It's a lot on your plate and some days when you are grieving are more challenging than others. I've noticed a positive shift with you. I noticed for myself that I would get moments that I didn't feel the pain and it would last for 10-15 minutes. More time passed and those gaps where getting longer. It would be for an hour or so and the gaps kept increasing where I felt like my old self. It does get better but the process is not the same for everyone and we can't tell you how long it will take   It's tough.

I also understand what you mean when you want to go to sleep just to get away from all of the pain, it was my fortress of solitude. I understand you like going to the gym and you where having panic attacks. How about taking a break. Go for a long walk, call a friend or family member and go to a movie, go for a drive. What sorts of things do you like to do for escapism?

I'll echo LettingGo14 You've done a lot of hard work anthony_james You deserve a break  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #6 on: July 18, 2014, 01:58:09 PM »

i do have 2 real friends at the current moment. the others immigrated due to the national instability. they are both busy with their lives most of the time. i dont have the capability to go out and try making new friends right now. i find it hard. my family is not supporting. it is a detached family. it feels like a hotel. nobody really talks to anybody at home. my dad has noticed my depression for months now and he did not take the initiative to talk to me till now. when i tried to talk to him about it once 2 months ago he did not validate my feelings and he requested me to "forget it". I have been sitting alone for too long soaked in my thoughts and feelings. i need an escape.
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antjs
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« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2014, 02:08:33 PM »

AJ -- I am sorry you are suffering.   I see how hard you have been working, and how you have reached out to others here to help them.

Early on after abandonment -- when I felt like a strung out addict without hope -- I was given a book by Pema Chodron called, "When Things Fall Apart."  It was not a magic wand, or a magic fix, or potent medicine.   And, oddly, it did nothing except say:  pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

We take our pain so personally.   We believe we suffer because of fate, chance, or the hand of the universe.   But -- the truth is -- all people suffer.  Period.  

It is inescapable.  Hence, this story:

The Buddhists say that any time we suffer misfortune, two arrows fly our way.

The first arrow, the pain, is the actual bad event. The second arrow, the suffering, is our reaction to the bad event, the way we chose to respond emotionally.

The first arrow often is unavoidable. The second arrow often is self-inflicted.


My friend -- perhaps it's time to just take a deep breath.   Step out of your head for a while, and treat yourself as you have treated so many people here -- with kindness.

If we stop struggling for a while, and say -- "I consent" -- to whatever is happening, we come back to ourselves.  

Please -- give yourself a break.  You deserve it.

i do not want to suffer. i do not feel like a victim lettinggo. i feel that i have been strong for too long now and seeing no change up till now. maybe i am inpatient but i really need to touch a change in my life. i have been a caregiver not only to my ex but to a lot of things around me in my life for years now. i have been taking care of my dad, i sat very hard exams to immigrate as i am unemployed in this unstable country (passed some failed the last one which is very hard), lost a job in dubai due to visa refusal (out of my hands), have been the emotional pillow to a lot of people around me except for myself and what do i get ? ptsd, depression, agony, unemployment, financial difficulties, lots of time where nobody is around and i have to sit here alone with myself soaking in pain. and what was my fault ? going to dental school where dentists are not appreciated in my country and there is oversupply. i do not like to compare myself to someone specifically. but a general comparison would be a checkpoint to know where you stand. most of the people my age around me are getting better career wise, financially, socially and relationship wise. i am doing nothing.
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« Reply #8 on: July 18, 2014, 02:09:00 PM »

i do have 2 real friends at the current moment. the others immigrated due to the national instability. they are both busy with their lives most of the time. i dont have the capability to go out and try making new friends right now. i find it hard. my family is not supporting. it is a detached family. it feels like a hotel. nobody really talks to anybody at home. my dad has noticed my depression for months now and he did not take the initiative to talk to me till now. when i tried to talk to him about it once 2 months ago he did not validate my feelings and he requested me to "forget it". I have been sitting alone for too long soaked in my thoughts and feelings. i need an escape.

You're like me me anthony_james all of the mutual friends that I had with my ex distanced themselves from me during her smear campaign and my (1) long term friend was busy with his family. My family were busy too. I'm the type of person that is a hermit and retracts to cope and sort out my feelings. It's how I deal with pain. Having said that, I found going out for long walks was what worked for me. I also told myself that I needed a break from the boards, healing and simply talking about it. Does that sound like something that works for you?
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« Reply #9 on: July 18, 2014, 02:11:03 PM »

Sorry you aren't getting the validation from you parents, and I understand about the friends being busy.  It makes things tough.  I get worried hearing about escape and your life should end if things don't get better.  Please hang in there.  Would it be possible to get in to see a therapist or perhaps try to address the depression?  I know the therapist has helped me a lot from being totally stuck and feeling like I have no options.  In regards to depression I've had some health problems as a result that left me feeling very lethargic and physically depressed.  I've since dealt with those and now am dealing with more the real emotions I'm able to feel now.  The anger, and anxiety.  And even depression.  As a next step I've considered trying to address the mental aspect of my depression.  Exercise makes me feel better but sometimes it's easier just to say, ah I'd rather sleep!   Well there are options but please hang in there no matter what.
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« Reply #10 on: July 18, 2014, 02:20:51 PM »

I get worried hearing about escape and your life should end if things don't get better.

do not be worried. it gets better. i have made progress. i am just venting cause it is taking long for me cause my r\s only lasted for 6 weeks. maybe it is taking too long for me cause i am carrying a huge baggage of unresolved and burried issues before my ex came in my life. i do not feel suicidal. i feel like losing my temper.

Excerpt
Would it be possible to get in to see a therapist or perhaps try to address the depression?

i went to a therapist and after 6 sessions he dismissed me and said i was ok or healthy and that i am going to feel ok soon. i did not and went back to him last week and he said i am overwhelmed by focusing too much on the topic and that i need a break as mutt and lettinggo  said.  he is denying anything wrong with me. he is denying childhood emotional neglect or codependency. he says "you just have a quarter life crisis". but i am not convinced. maybe i will take a break and go see another therapist
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« Reply #11 on: July 18, 2014, 02:35:52 PM »

Aj

I too feel this profound hopelessness.  For me whenever I try to feel hope it is tied in with my ex so much so it like I don't know how to hope for anything else.  I've read a lot of members talking about how important hope was for their recovery.  I think using mindfulness to reclaim the feelings of hope for oneself is the next step I need to take.  When I met mine I too had been in the midst of unfortunate events.  Ex wife left me then right when I was getting over that I suffered a disabling injury losing the use of my good hand and I wasn't sure if it would be permanent lost my job and my family didn't believe I was really injured. 

Our exs were our hope they became the living embodiment of hope inspiration vitality everything we ever looked for in our fantasies our entire life.  We need to dig in to ourselves and find the last remnants of hope not tied to our ex and cultivate it.  I have been attempting and it is very very painfull. It is not blissfull process but we need to reclaim hope for ourselves. Letting go is more versed in the actual process of doing what I am talking about and I'm sure he could describe the practice to do this much better
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« Reply #12 on: July 18, 2014, 02:48:42 PM »

Finding a good T can be a painstaking task and it can take a while to realize when things aren't working. I was fortunate in finding 2 excellent therapists along the way and I think it's worth it to see someone else who can meet you where you're at with this.  Shop around if that's an option.  Advice like "you're thinking about it too much" isn't that helpful when you cannot stop thinking about it.  Still even with the T it's really hard.  When you need them there for you, they aren't available on a whim.  I think it's great you discovered this board.  I wish I had a long time ago.

I've been affected a lot by the inability to concentrate at times.  I find now it's much worse when I'm in contact with her.  You've been NC for a long time.  Try to look on the bright side and realize you're doing the right thing with that.  Great to hear you are making progress!
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« Reply #13 on: July 18, 2014, 02:56:10 PM »

Finding a good T can be a painstaking task and it can take a while to realize when things aren't working. I was fortunate in finding 2 excellent therapists along the way and I think it's worth it to see someone else who can meet you where you're at with this.  Shop around if that's an option. Advice like "you're thinking about it too much" isn't that helpful when you cannot stop thinking about it.  

I said radically accept that you don't have an answer right now. The answers will come when it's time. Alleviate the anxiety and stress for not being able to control something that you cannot at the moment. You can't control reality, you can radically accept it, flow with it, instead of flowing against it. Flowing against reality causes us anguish and stress. I think radical acceptance and invalidating someone are two different things. I use radical acceptance everyday and it's alleviated a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety for me.

You are trying very hard in trying to peel the onion layers anthony_james you can't quite put your finger on what triggered this pain. You've put in a lot of hard effort  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) I think you'll find the answer when it's ready to present itself. Taking a break from everything and escapism like going to a cafe and reading a book and logging off is a good thing too.

How do you feel about radical acceptance anthony_james? It's OK if it's not something that you can identify with where you're at with your healing. I also agree shop around for a different T. It took me a few but I found one that syncs with me  

TOOLS: Radical Acceptance for family members    

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« Reply #14 on: July 18, 2014, 02:58:30 PM »

AJ I know how you feel. The grief and the anger all mixed up together and all you want is a solution, to fix the relationship or to figure it out so that you can feel better. Just something.

I don't have an answer, but I do completely understand how you feel. Completely.  The condition I was left in (a week before Christmas) was just something that I have never experienced. The grief that followed has never totally left me... .but it does get better. We all are telling you that and it is true.  Just keep doing every healthy thing that you have been doing and things will change. I found that physical exercise helped a lot for me.

I could not get better alone either. I went and found a good therapist, also did group therapy, and got involved with a self-help group. I did not think that I could endure the grief and anger even with all of that help... .but it eventually got better... .little, by little.

You can do it too! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Just a note, the first therapist that I went to was a nice person, but not a great therapist in my book. She did nothing, just listened?  I have addiction in my story and recovery and I found a therapist that had been through all of that personally, and man, let me tell you, she had a plan and I had to do painful work, and learn some things I didn't want to learn. ... but I grew a lot and became different, or better, or something

My point is, I would try another therapist... .believe me, they are not all the same. I did not go to a psychiatrist as I wanted to work on the problem, not take medication for it. ... .but everyone is different. Just try to seek out someone else who may be a better fit for you and what you have going on. It could change the situation a lot!
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« Reply #15 on: July 18, 2014, 04:00:35 PM »

radical acceptance is a new thing to me. mutt you are right. i think one of the reasons that brought anxiety and stress to my life was trying to control what was out of my control including my ex. i am trying to practice and  implement radical acceptance in every part of my life.


infared my therapist also used to listen and thats it. when i told him that i think it should be a dialogue. he said something like he is the "garbage" and i should let it out and he will just try to direct me to where i should be looking with questions that i should think about. but i dont find this helpful. he is demonizing BPD and saying that all the pain i am going through is "normal" after a break up with a pwBPD. but i do not think so. i am not sure why i feel this pain though i depersonalized the interaction and learned a lot of lessons out of the experience. all i can point out at now is that whenever i get a bad news i feel tempted to get back and i miss the idealization phase that she has supplied. i do not miss her as a person but i do miss the idea of the idealization. the comfort, the warmth, the validation. i know this is not right. if there is someone who should be comforting me is myself. i am not there but i am trying to. even before her my comfort was found in distraction with friends and booze.
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« Reply #16 on: July 18, 2014, 04:07:01 PM »

Hi Mutt, sorry I wasn't referring to anything you said, I was thinking of his interaction with his counselor that antony mentioned, who seemed to kind of leave it at that and tell antony he'd feel better.
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« Reply #17 on: July 18, 2014, 05:55:44 PM »

Hi Mutt, sorry I wasn't referring to anything you said, I was thinking of his interaction with his counselor that antony mentioned, who seemed to kind of leave it at that and tell antony he'd feel better.

My apologies gtrhr and no worries. My family invalidates and I was told to "get over it" as advice 6 weeks after the breakup in a 7 year r/s.

anthony_james it takes practice with radical acceptance but it's such a positive tool that impacts your life. I used to worry about so many things and get worked up. I accept reality for what it is and some days feel so daunting but it reframes my thoughts and alleviates stress so I can focus and enjoy life. Your answers will come.

Excerpt
“Everything comes gradually and at its appointed hour.” -Ovid

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« Reply #18 on: July 18, 2014, 06:42:29 PM »

I think I need to study about this concept of radical acceptance more.  I think if I could practice that and stay vigilant on no contact it could turn my life around.  As such, I've been progressing rather slowly.  My setbacks this week have me reeling.  And it was nothing I or anyone could not have predicted. It's always gone this way.

There is always a part of me that wants to leave the window of opportunity open and allow that the person could change and we make it work out.  Unfortunately the bar for getting there should be set very high for her but I historically would cave at the first hint of her "wanting" something.  This is where I really need to get my head together and commit to being no contact.

antony_james I found the therapists that worked for me did what you seem to be seeking.  In the beginning I wasn't ready to be challenged, but I needed to be steered. I had one guy who seemed to think repeatedly asking me "how that made me feel" was therapy.  My cat would make a better therapist than that.  The lady I finally ended up with is upbeat, we have a humorous interaction, and she lets me know about what I deserve in a relationship.  We probe into family life growing up, etc.  It's very interactive.  She doesn't look at me blankly and tell me I'll get better.  She wants me to stay vigilant.  She tells me "you know what I think about going back to her."  But she doesn't tell me what to do.  She tells me that a healthy person would walk away from a BPD, not get angry and fight back.  You know, it's good you're doing no contact.  I think finding someone that can be like a mountain guide to lead you a little bit can help a lot.  You don't have to put your life in their hands, but set some goals and let them know what you want to achieve.  Feel better, sort out your career, feel less angry, etc.  Things you can get some control over in life.
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« Reply #19 on: July 18, 2014, 07:12:28 PM »

AJ

"all i can point out at now is that whenever i get a bad news i feel tempted to get back and i miss the idealization phase that she has supplied. i do not miss her as a person but i do miss the idea of the idealization. the comfort, the warmth, the validation. i know this is not right. if there is someone who should be comforting me is myself. i am not there but i am trying to. even before her my comfort was found in distraction with friends and booze."

I have mixed feelings about the first part of my quote from you above.  I do not think that there is anything wrong with having the comfort and understanding of a loving partner when you are having a tough time with something in life. That is the joy and benefit of having a healthy loving relationship. You can be there for one another. Having that and losing it is something to be missed in my opinion. I sure missed the support. Right after my ex ran off with her new hero, over the period of a year my Mom got sick and died. In one regard I really hated my ex... .I had to go through that whole process alone, with no support. I live alone and have no family support. IT WAS REALLY DIFFICULT ALONE... .but, in another regard the situation was a blessing. After my ex ran off, I almost drank myself into a coma... I could see I was not going to last long and got back to a program of recovery along with all the therapy.  So, since she was not in my life, I got sober and started leading a better life for meAND since she was not in my life all I did was  go to work, got to an AA mtg and go visit my Mom... .everyday. That never would have happened if I had been with her. I formed this incredibly beautiful connection and bond with my Mom ()which I can't get into just now). As such I was totally at peace when she died, there was soo much love there... .in stark contrast to me being vilely discarded by my ex... .and being left with such suffering and grief. No love their from her. None

In the second part of your quote above you mention boozing. Its none of my business but I will ask the question, ":)o you have a problem?"

Also, you are dealing with a traumatic event in your life, boozing is a major depressant and it's effect can hang with you for days... .and that is not what you need to get your yourself and your emotion back in balance again... .it's an escape, which people manage in varying degrees... .in my case... .it manages me... .and not in a good way!

I am glad you are here talking and getting lots of support!
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« Reply #20 on: July 18, 2014, 07:30:58 PM »

Infared

it is good when you have a partner by your side giving you support during difficult times but it is not a must. people should train themselves to go through difficult times without the support of a partner. I do go through rough times without a partner. I am single for good long times but rough times is completely the opposite to the idealization phase (the good fantasy that i have built in my mind and i really need to destruct it) so thats why my mind tends to miss the total opposite.

i do\did not have problem with alcohol. I used alcohol as an escape before i met my ex. still it was not a problem for me. i can binge drink a night and go sober 2 weeks. actually after the break up (it has been 4 months now) i have had like 4 or 5 drinks through different occasions. i am limiting the intake of alcohol. I do not escape my feelings anymore. I face them (maybe face them too much now !). I am doing what i have failed to do since i have graduated... .to face my self and feelings.
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« Reply #21 on: July 18, 2014, 09:04:56 PM »

I understand how you feel. I'm nearly 8 weeks of mostly NC after a 27+ year marriage and I want to die tonight. My life is consumed with lawyers. She's painted me something blacker than black. She's trying to poison my kids against me and very few people I know are truly supportive. I feel terrible like you... .I just want it to end. I want her to call me and call all the foolishness off, but I know it will never happen and if I call her I might as well use my Glock on me because I will cease to exist anyway. God... .how did it ever come to this?
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Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

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