Been ruminating all day - the FB block

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This one, among a more negative thought/realization I had today really kept me going.

As I said before she blocked me on FB. In itself this is nothing "special" so to speak. So I thought at first too.

BUT... . why?

The more I thought about it, the more I started feeling confused, couldn't stop thinking about it. I know I shouldn't.

- She wants to "hide" from me.

  I first thought she wants to hide the fact of having replaced me. Out of shame or whatever reason.

But I can still see photos of her with him through mutual friends. She knows that. Also I mentioned   him to her in one of our last email exchanges. And I didn't say anything negative (I am aware that just mentioning it is an accusation in her eyes.)

- She wants to punish me / make me feel bad.

Well. The way I know her she would have THOROUGHLY done this She didn't block me on her Instagram accounts (one is about her art and the other personal. She doesn't post a lot of personal things... . but if it would have been a "punishment" she would have still done it.

- She doesn't want to see me.

Thought about this one, too. But she could have just "unfollowed" me. On the other hand I thought about what we had talked one night. I told her (and we weren't fighting) "you can have my FB-password if that makes you feel better." To which she replied she doesn't want it since it would not promote healthy behavior and would not help her with her fears anyways.

- I still have the profile we made for our dog a year ago (as I mentioned I made the mistake today... . )

Well. She probably has forgotten about it. But I can't truly believe it. She's a P.R.O. when it comes to thinking of details like this. She always told me she's the best at getting "t*ts deep" into the stalk and preventing it. Keeping the profile for her stalking... . well I don't know. She would be too cautious, assuming I'd do the same. It would also contradict earlier points. Like preventing herself from stalking and being stalked.

I know all this is ridiculous. But I think we all very well know the name of the game... .

Has anyone any ideas or theories?

I've come to somehow believe this block has more of a "technical" reason than having me painted black or trying to hurt me. Might be a "message"?

 

[pipehitter]

This one, among a more negative thought/realization I had today really kept me going.

As I said before she blocked me on FB. In itself this is nothing "special" so to speak. So I thought at first too.

BUT... . why?

The more I thought about it, the more I started feeling confused, couldn't stop thinking about it. I know I shouldn't.

- She wants to "hide" from me.

  I first thought she wants to hide the fact of having replaced me. Out of shame or whatever reason.

But I can still see photos of her with him through mutual friends. She knows that. Also I mentioned   him to her in one of our last email exchanges. And I didn't say anything negative (I am aware that just mentioning it is an accusation in her eyes.)

- She wants to punish me / make me feel bad.

Well. The way I know her she would have THOROUGHLY done this She didn't block me on her Instagram accounts (one is about her art and the other personal. She doesn't post a lot of personal things... . but if it would have been a "punishment" she would have still done it.

- She doesn't want to see me.

Thought about this one, too. But she could have just "unfollowed" me. On the other hand I thought about what we had talked one night. I told her (and we weren't fighting) "you can have my FB-password if that makes you feel better." To which she replied she doesn't want it since it would not promote healthy behavior and would not help her with her fears anyways.

- I still have the profile we made for our dog a year ago (as I mentioned I made the mistake today... . )

Well. She probably has forgotten about it. But I can't truly believe it. She's a P.R.O. when it comes to thinking of details like this. She always told me she's the best at getting "t*ts deep" into the stalk and preventing it. Keeping the profile for her stalking... . well I don't know. She would be too cautious, assuming I'd do the same. It would also contradict earlier points. Like preventing herself from stalking and being stalked.

I know all this is ridiculous. But I think we all very well know the name of the game... .

Has anyone any ideas or theories?

I've come to somehow believe this block has more of a "technical" reason than having me painted black or trying to hurt me. Might be a "message"?

 

[LettingGo14]

Has anyone any ideas or theories?

I've come to somehow believe this block has more of a "technical" reason than having me painted black or trying to hurt me. Might be a "message"?

 

Our brains work overtime to decipher "messages" -- to find "meaning" in the madness.   The FB block was a huge trigger to me -- it was like she dumped 4 years in the trash, and chose to "erase" everything.   I would have consulted the Rosetta Stone if it could have given me an answer.

Here's my translation of why my ex-girlfriend blocked me:  (a) I became a "trigger" (b) she "triangulated" me out of her life, and (c) she knew it would hurt me.

Here's my translation of what it meant to me:  ouch, that hurts.   

Ultimately, we stay stuck if we search for answers outside of ourselves.  Understanding BPD forced me to stop applying my logic to her actions.  Understanding the process of detachment forced me to face the crappy feelings I felt.  The sooner I started on that work, the easier it became to let go.

Hope that helps -- I know it sucks.

[pipehitter]

Has anyone any ideas or theories?

I've come to somehow believe this block has more of a "technical" reason than having me painted black or trying to hurt me. Might be a "message"?

 

Our brains work overtime to decipher "messages" -- to find "meaning" in the madness.   The FB block was a huge trigger to me -- it was like she dumped 4 years in the trash, and chose to "erase" everything.   I would have consulted the Rosetta Stone if it could have given me an answer.

Here's my translation of why my ex-girlfriend blocked me:  (a) I became a "trigger" (b) she "triangulated" me out of her life, and (c) she knew it would hurt me.

Here's my translation of what it meant to me:  ouch, that hurts.   

Ultimately, we stay stuck if we search for answers outside of ourselves.  Understanding BPD forced me to stop applying my logic to her actions.  Understanding the process of detachment forced me to face the crappy feelings I felt.  The sooner I started on that work, the easier it became to let go.

Hope that helps -- I know it sucks.

To be honest... . it doesn't help a lot right now.

But I know it will in the future. Maybe already tomorrow.

Thank you.

[LettingGo14]

To be honest... . it doesn't help a lot right now.

But I know it will in the future. Maybe already tomorrow.

Thank you.

Go at your own pace, brother.  It's all good.   There are lots of roads to freedom.

[lipstick]

Hi pipehitter,

I can't give you any answers. I can only relate my own experience with the whole FB stuff.  My exBPDbf - after he dumped me in October of 2012 - went running back to his abusive (also BPD) spouse. Don't ask.  Anyway - at that point I did the whole "unfriending" thing but neither of us blocked the other one. I think we were both "keeping tabs" on each other. I know I was.    

Anyway - I was given a big 'ol dose of the Silent Treatment for over a year. Then in December of 2013 he starts "following" me on FB. No message. Just "following". I ignored him. Then that turned into a "Friend Request". I ignored that as well. I guess that was the wrong thing to do. I was blocked. He also deactivated an alternate account that he had. And deleted any and all mutual friends from his friends list. Locked down his account so that you have to send him a message in order to be "friended" by him.

I sent one email to him explaining why I could not accept the Friend Request. Guess what? It was ignored (imagine that!) and I am once again getting the Silent Treatment. It's been six months now. I guess I have been "painted black" but I didn't do anything wrong.

So the reasons behind your ex's actions could be anything. I believe that mine is 1.) Punishing me.  2.) Triggered by me / feelings of shame can't be dealt with. 3.) Is playing the victim. It's all MY fault what happened (it's not - he is the one that ran away).

I, too, make myself nuts ruminating over the whole thing. And it's been 20 months since he dumped me ! But I recover quicker from the triggers, now. I just have a really hard time with accepting the fact that I meant nothing to him. That a relationship with a violent alcoholic is preferable to what I offered. That I have, in fact, been "erased". That stings. But life is slowly improving. Yours will too !

P.S. I do think he checks up on me from time to time. Just a feeling. No concrete evidence to back that up. My counselors have also stated that they think the same.

Take care of you!       

[pipehitter]

Thank you.

Today I had a something which I consider a break through of some sorts.

It doesn't help with the pain... . but I guess it will... . and it will make my life better.

I thought about WHY I wanted her after all this happened (still do now if I am honest with myself.)

What hurt me most, I first thought, was that I will never hear from her again. That I would just be painted black... . but this is something I could deal with in other relationships. The break ups hurt, but I didn't really care if they thought I was an ahole. At least it didn't torture me all day.

I came to a stunning conclusion about the feeling behind all this.

It is MUCH deeper than just not wanting to be painted black, being treated unfair.

I had a thought today that hurt me, so I knew it would be worth exploring the reasons.

The thought came up when I read about them never being able to ever see who you were. Not really remembering you after they painted you black for real. This thought HURT. SO MUCH.

But why?

More than anything I wanted to help her. If you read earlier posts I saw the child. And I am not kidding. I saw her.

Today I thought:

"If M. only one day, especially should she ever be in a difficult situation, remember me and think - he was an amazing man. And he truly loved me. Knowing who I was. Because I AM WORTH IT."

If I only had this certainty... . It would be much easier to let go. It would have been "worth it".

It is about me. But not in the way of wanting "direct" validation, being told I am the best (even if that always felt SO GOOD.) But helping her on a true human basis. Reaching out.


Thank you 4 year old M. that I saw a couple of times. You brought me in touch with my child-self.

I am sorry I might not have been able to pay you back and shown you 4 year old M. that you are a lovable human being. Making you realize it for only ONE second... . that would be it.

I don't know if she will. After what I read today and it really shattered my hopes of having at least achieved this. But I hope.

I love you.

[Boss302]

Pipehitter:

Maybe you're missing the point trying to "figure it out." When these people spin out of control, their actions usually make zero sense, so in a very real sense, you might as well try to "figure out" why a tornado destroys one house but leaves the one next door standing. There is no explanation - it happened the way it happened. Same for BPDs. Their emotions are so chaotic that analyzing their actions doesn't help much. And for someone who's searching for "why did this person leave," that's not much comfort. I think you end up wondering what's wrong with YOU, when in fact, the problem is what's wrong with HER.

I'd use the time and space to ask yourself whether this kind of behavior fits into your life or not.

[lipstick]

pipehitter,

I appreciate your honesty. Truly. I still miss my ex. Him continuing to give me the Silent Treatment hurts like hell. The other thing that really hurts is why wasn't I good enough? Why was an abuser a better option than me? So I get where you are coming from.

I don't personally believe that we are forever "painted black". If so - why does my ex's spouse get to do all sorts of heinous things and get an ongoing "free pass" from him? This puzzles me. I'm now the Devil - split black - getting ongoing S.T. - and she can behave however she pleases. Makes no sense. Why isn't she split black?

I've read countless stories on this forum of BPDexes continuing to contact their former partners. Maybe that negates the "erased" theory? Don't know. It's a difficult process that you are going through. However - I look back on where I was at the very beginning of my own experience - and I can say that I am in a much better place now. Not 100% healed - but making progress.

On a humorous note - my exBPDbf is still reacting to me. A friend of mine sent him a message / Friend Request recently. He knows this person. He promptly blocked her, too ! Guess ANY reminders of yours truly is just too much for him to handle. I swear - I don't have that much energy to put into hating someone. Sheesh!  

I do wish you the very best on your path to healing. You will get there.  

[bungenstein]

On a humorous note - my exBPDbf is still reacting to me. A friend of mine sent him a message / Friend Request recently. He knows this person. He promptly blocked her, too ! Guess ANY reminders of yours truly is just too much for him to handle. I swear - I don't have that much energy to put into hating someone. Sheesh!  

I do wish you the very best on your path to healing. You will get there.  

Mine still mirrors my actions on instagram, she will copy the kind of pictures I post, the hashtags I post, I then set my account to private so she set hers to private, considering its never ever been private and considering she uses instagram to get as much attention as possible, there is no way earth she'd actually want it to be private, its such bizarre mirroring behaviour, considering I am painted black and getting the silent treatment. Every quote she posts refers negatively to her past relationship (ours) even though she is 'loved up' with her replacement, can anyone explain?

[bungenstein]

.

[christoff522]

i

This one, among a more negative thought/realization I had today really kept me going.

As I said before she blocked me on FB. In itself this is nothing "special" so to speak. So I thought at first too.

BUT... . why?

The more I thought about it, the more I started feeling confused, couldn't stop thinking about it. I know I shouldn't.

- She wants to "hide" from me.

  I first thought she wants to hide the fact of having replaced me. Out of shame or whatever reason.

But I can still see photos of her with him through mutual friends. She knows that. Also I mentioned   him to her in one of our last email exchanges. And I didn't say anything negative (I am aware that just mentioning it is an accusation in her eyes.)

- She wants to punish me / make me feel bad.

Well. The way I know her she would have THOROUGHLY done this She didn't block me on her Instagram accounts (one is about her art and the other personal. She doesn't post a lot of personal things... . but if it would have been a "punishment" she would have still done it.

- She doesn't want to see me.

Thought about this one, too. But she could have just "unfollowed" me. On the other hand I thought about what we had talked one night. I told her (and we weren't fighting) "you can have my FB-password if that makes you feel better." To which she replied she doesn't want it since it would not promote healthy behavior and would not help her with her fears anyways.

- I still have the profile we made for our dog a year ago (as I mentioned I made the mistake today... . )

Well. She probably has forgotten about it. But I can't truly believe it. She's a P.R.O. when it comes to thinking of details like this. She always told me she's the best at getting "t*ts deep" into the stalk and preventing it. Keeping the profile for her stalking... . well I don't know. She would be too cautious, assuming I'd do the same. It would also contradict earlier points. Like preventing herself from stalking and being stalked.

I know all this is ridiculous. But I think we all very well know the name of the game... .

Has anyone any ideas or theories?

I've come to somehow believe this block has more of a "technical" reason than having me painted black or trying to hurt me. Might be a "message"?

 

Honestly, number 3 is the best answer. You trigger her, therefore she has to keep contact at zero, or as little as possible. We all get blocked, at least by the women anyway. I've seen on here that a lot of the men tend to stick around. But yes, if this is a very recent discard expect minor (and I mean minor) contact soon. It'll be something like checking up on you, seeing if you're angry, hoping for forgiveness. I had this, and she discovered I'd deleted some stuff pertaining to the romance of our relationship and she went bats*t.

But stick to your guns, NC is the only way to go. Its just as good for her as it is for you, you enable her, and now you trigger her. If you stayed in contact with her she would make your life hell, and you honestly (and it isn't your fault) could send her crazy. If you are trying to get over her, this is the best way, so long as you healthily go through the grieving process, detach from her emotionally and move on.

If one day you are hoping to get back with her, staying away could allow you both to get fresh perspective. But honestly, what you're feeling is illusory, it was 'real' up until the point you first triggered her... then she began to hate you, hate her dependence on you, and slowly but surely well up with rage, rage that could have lead to all sorts of nastiness. The reality of you 'loving' her, is part of a con she played on you, and part of a desperate need you have for someone to love you. This is something you must deal with, right now, whilst its raw.

Let me recommend a book by Alice Miller - The drama of being a child. It'll help you to deal with your co-dependency issues.

God bless you sir.

[christoff522]

Thank you 4 year old M. that I saw a couple of times. You brought me in touch with my child-self.

I am sorry I might not have been able to pay you back and shown you 4 year old M. that you are a lovable human being. Making you realize it for only ONE second... . that would be it.

I don't know if she will. After what I read today and it really shattered my hopes of having at least achieved this. But I hope.

I love you.

Sir, you say 4 year old M brought you in touch with your child self - I doubt it. I think you're truly neglecting your inner child. After all, if you were treating yourself right, you wouldn't be pining over your abuser. Yes thats what she is.

Notice how you're giving yourself over to her, hoping for her to validate you. When shes discarded you - likely for someone else.

You're not loving yourself, please read the book I linked in my last post.

Also try this self hypnosis for a self esteem boost:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOhYzGD3YKk

[Tausk]

Thank you.

Today I had a something which I consider a break through of some sorts.

It doesn't help with the pain... . but I guess it will... . and it will make my life better.

I thought about WHY I wanted her after all this happened (still do now if I am honest with myself.)

What hurt me most, I first thought, was that I will never hear from her again. That I would just be painted black... . but this is something I could deal with in other relationships. The break ups hurt, but I didn't really care if they thought I was an ahole. At least it didn't torture me all day.

I came to a stunning conclusion about the feeling behind all this.

It is MUCH deeper than just not wanting to be painted black, being treated unfair.

I had a thought today that hurt me, so I knew it would be worth exploring the reasons.

The thought came up when I read about them never being able to ever see who you were. Not really remembering you after they painted you black for real. This thought HURT. SO MUCH.

But why?

More than anything I wanted to help her. If you read earlier posts I saw the child. And I am not kidding. I saw her.

Today I thought:

"If M. only one day, especially should she ever be in a difficult situation, remember me and think - he was an amazing man. And he truly loved me. Knowing who I was. Because I AM WORTH IT."

If I only had this certainty... . It would be much easier to let go. It would have been "worth it".

It is about me. But not in the way of wanting "direct" validation, being told I am the best (even if that always felt SO GOOD.) But helping her on a true human basis. Reaching out.


Thank you 4 year old M. that I saw a couple of times. You brought me in touch with my child-self.

I am sorry I might not have been able to pay you back and shown you 4 year old M. that you are a lovable human being. Making you realize it for only ONE second... . that would be it.

I don't know if she will. After what I read today and it really shattered my hopes of having at least achieved this. But I hope.

I love you.

This post moved me.  Thank you.  The experience is so very painful.  To be abandoned, by someone who I lost myself to, is one of the most painful experiences I've had to endure.  

Figuring out why my ex did things was always difficult.  When "I hate you" means the same thing as "I love you" trying to find logic behind many of the actions can be an exercise in self torture and obsessive malignant hope.  

So when I really am stuck as to answering why my ex did something, I try and answer the question with the answer, "She did it because she loves me and hates me simultaneously. It's a Disorder.  I must respect that the Disorder is bigger than me.  And it does not always make sense to me.  The Disorder always wins."

But the real question for me are :

Why am I still attached to someone who is now totally detached from me.  

Why do I want validation from someone who is not only incapable of validating me, but honestly thinks I'm evil  

Why do I care about the opinion of someone who I know (but often don't accept) is disordered.

And it comes down to moving past the idealization phase.  I want to be validated so that my false ego can feel good.   But in the end, all my work and effort has probably no lasting effect at all.  It was all a waste.The only good that came about is an opportunity to grow for myself.  Nothing really ended up mattering regarding my ex.  In fact, I probably enabled her for far too long, and I probably hurt her development to grow up.

So the question is how do I look at my FOO core wounds and how they relate.  I grew up in pain and the fantasy of being a superhero was powerful.  But the Disorder is more powerful than even the greatest Superhero.  It's beyond being rescued.  The Disorder exists to deny itself.  It's very sad.  

But I know the above may not ease the pain at the moment.  I can only hope it will help in the long run.  I know.  It hurts.

Hang in there, it gets better.  You're doing great and thanks for posting. Your courage is inspiring.

T



 

[goldylamont]

In situations like these I say to just do what you are doing, list out the possibilities, then take a step back and trust whatever answer feels most true to you. From your description I would say her reasons are probably a combination of all four points you brought up, but mainly that she wants to punish you. I noticed in your explanations that punishment seemed to be a close link for her personality, as if you were saying "that is so like her to do".

I take a different approach to figuring these things out at your early stage. Its normal to wonder these things and I feel coming to whatever conclusions you may help to rebuild your sense of self and place in the whole ordeal. You'll never get a straight answer from her and even if you did she could be lying or trying to hurt you so impossible to get the truth from her. But you do have your own common sensitivities and convictions so pick what feels most truthful for now and try and stick to it, as a good way to solidify your disposition.

Also, punishment in general seems to be an elusive behavior for many here. For me it was always pretty clear what my exes intentions were regardless of what she may have thought--being able to trust my instincts in this way I was able to predict her future behavior and not play into her games.

After a while it will be less of a mystery and more like a broken record :-)

[goldylamont]

Also wanted to add that you have to be very careful with the rescuer thinking and giving her power over giving you understanding of your inner child. This reaction is normal as perpetual victim types give caregiver types an ego boost by making them think they can rescue them. Initially she probably loved this attention from you. But after the breakup this makes you look accusatory and weak to them.

It sounds sweet at first to us because we know there is truth in what you are saying--you have seen her hurt inner child and you do want to help. But lemme tell you, its likely she will *hate* hearing this and will skewer you if you bring it up to her. Don't. Keep it to yourself and with us, don't tell her. They don't want the ex for this role they get replacements who don't know they are messed up to play this role. I just don't want to see you get unnecessarily hurt in this regard. I read a forum thread for pwBPD and they all talked about how they hated people thinking they could "help" them and would punish them if approached this way. Her belief is likely that You are the problem child that needs to grow up, not her. Hope this isn't too harsh, just want to open up your awareness some. Best wishes my friend

[pininterest]

I would say #3 as well.

My ex BPD partner “unfriended” me on FB two days after she broke up with me over the phone, then she asked all her friends we had in common to unfriend me as well. A couple of days later, a number of pictures on which she tagged me had disappeared.

With some hindsite now, my hypothesis is that it is indeed a way to signal that she does not want to see you anymore, to clear every single evidence you were part of her life at some point and that you will not be anymore. She didn’t want to punish me (didn’t do anything wrong) and she didn’t have anyone else. Clean reboot.

To me, this is consistent with the abrupt detachment you face at the time of the breakup. You suddenly shift from an intense and apparent loving relationship to a complete black hole where consideration and empathy do not exist. Therefore, any residual links must be deleted as they’re no longer valid.

You should not take that personally though we may suffer from it as we look at it as a rejection phenomenon prima facie. But, it’s not. It’s not about you as you know and, as someone suggested it on this forum, every time you try to rationalise a memory or a situation with a BVD partner, you should apply the “forget about it, this is not real, this is not what it may look” label.

[pipehitter]

I would say #3 as well.

My ex BPD partner “unfriended” me on FB two days after she broke up with me over the phone, then she asked all her friends we had in common to unfriend me as well. A couple of days later, a number of pictures on which she tagged me had disappeared.

With some hindsite now, my hypothesis is that it is indeed a way to signal that she does not want to see you anymore, to clear every single evidence you were part of her life at some point and that you will not be anymore. She didn’t want to punish me (didn’t do anything wrong) and she didn’t have anyone else. Clean reboot.

To me, this is consistent with the abrupt detachment you face at the time of the breakup. You suddenly shift from an intense and apparent loving relationship to a complete black hole where consideration and empathy do not exist. Therefore, any residual links must be deleted as they’re no longer valid.

You should not take that personally though we may suffer from it as we look at it as a rejection phenomenon prima facie. But, it’s not. It’s not about you as you know and, as someone suggested it on this forum, every time you try to rationalise a memory or a situation with a BVD partner, you should apply the “forget about it, this is not real, this is not what it may look” label.

The confusing thing is:

She blocked me. But only on FB. All the pictures of us together are still on there (she hasn't deleted any). I know they are not very couple-looking. So no problem with the replacement asking about them.

But they are still there. The ones of all her other exes have been thoroughly removed. Not mine.

That is the point that is weirding me out.

[christoff522]

been thinking today about why they block us. I remembered something called toxic shame. Its something all BPDs possess, something deep within that makes them hate themselves. After the way they treated us they have even more shame, more than they can handle. So they block us. Sometimes the shame makes them seek out forgiveness (especially at first), but after a while with contact the only way they can cope is to turn it around on us, blame us for it. So the longer it goes on, the crazier they'll get. The best way is to just not contact them, let them forget. The more contact continues after a break up the more it triggers them. Remember the negative stuff they said about their exes, you stay in contact the more stuff they'll have to say.

Let them block you, and for good measure block them too! NC is the only way to break the chain.

[christoff522]

I would say #3 as well.

My ex BPD partner “unfriended” me on FB two days after she broke up with me over the phone, then she asked all her friends we had in common to unfriend me as well. A couple of days later, a number of pictures on which she tagged me had disappeared.

With some hindsite now, my hypothesis is that it is indeed a way to signal that she does not want to see you anymore, to clear every single evidence you were part of her life at some point and that you will not be anymore. She didn’t want to punish me (didn’t do anything wrong) and she didn’t have anyone else. Clean reboot.

Not just that, its the shame as well, literally they just want to forget about you (for a while, anyway) and pretend you don't exist.

To me, this is consistent with the abrupt detachment you face at the time of the breakup. You suddenly shift from an intense and apparent loving relationship to a complete black hole where consideration and empathy do not exist. Therefore, any residual links must be deleted as they’re no longer valid.

And its a reminder of the bad things they did. The relationship I had would have had me as a complete reminder of her ex, and the callous way she acted towards him.

You should not take that personally though we may suffer from it as we look at it as a rejection phenomenon prima facie. But, it’s not. It’s not about you as you know and, as someone suggested it on this forum, every time you try to rationalise a memory or a situation with a BVD partner, you should apply the “forget about it, this is not real, this is not what it may look” label.

It really isn't about us, yes we 'trigger' them, lots of negative emotions that they simply can't cope with, guilt, shame, self-hatred. Its all about having a recoup period, a break. But the sorts of people they choose (sensitive codependents, and sometimes even narcissists), and the way they are it just won't work.

[pininterest]

The confusing thing is:

She blocked me. But only on FB. All the pictures of us together are still on there (she hasn't deleted any). I know they are not very couple-looking. So no problem with the replacement asking about them.

But they are still there. The ones of all her other exes have been thoroughly removed. Not mine.

That is the point that is weirding me out.

Pipehitter - let me add one thing I should have mentioned. The "obvious" pictures where I appear as the boyfriend and where some of her friends left comments such as "Oh, such a nice pic with your bf" were deleted. Only a few where I appear and it does not seem I'm a boyfriend (e.g. with other people) have been left. There was also no evidence of her previous boyfriend on FB.

As rough as it may sound, I would not read too much into that. Like you, I questioned it, particularly as she did not take me out of her contacts on Linkedin - but she did on Twitter. That's about the private sphere for me: a way to clear you out and a way to make sure you can't track down what's going on in her life anymore. I would also agree with Christoff's shame point. I didn't think about that but believe this is absolutely relevant, at least in my case. See below some further comments.

been thinking today about why they block us. I remembered something called toxic shame. Its something all BPDs possess, something deep within that makes them hate themselves. After the way they treated us they have even more shame, more than they can handle. So they block us. Sometimes the shame makes them seek out forgiveness (especially at first), but after a while with contact the only way they can cope is to turn it around on us, blame us for it. So the longer it goes on, the crazier they'll get. The best way is to just not contact them, let them forget. The more contact continues after a break up the more it triggers them. Remember the negative stuff they said about their exes, you stay in contact the more stuff they'll have to say.

Let them block you, and for good measure block them too! NC is the only way to break the chain.

Christoff - you made me realise this point actually, though one could say you can only have shame when you are capable of empathy (which I doubt my ex had in the end) or at least shame with regards to the perception of the others excluding your ex bf. That's my comment here.

In my case, she presented me to her family as "the one", her family treating me almost as if a wedding would occur in the next months. Likewise with her friends, overselling the incredible happiness she was having with me. Given the noise made around the relationship, I could agree that there is some kind of shame and you want to cover it up as you look "socially absurd".

[christoff522]

Christoff - you made me realise this point actually, though one could say you can only have shame when you are capable of empathy (which I doubt my ex had in the end) or at least shame with regards to the perception of the others excluding your ex bf. That's my comment here.

In my case, she presented me to her family as "the one", her family treating me almost as if a wedding would occur in the next months. Likewise with her friends, overselling the incredible happiness she was having with me. Given the noise made around the relationship, I could agree that there is some kind of shame and you want to cover it up as you look "socially absurd".

Well, knowing right from wrong isn't the same as knowing or being able to feel how others feel. Its simply a matter of knowing that others will think bad of you. Its knowing social, moral, ethical convention - and that if others found out it would make YOU feel worse.

Toxic shame is a day to day thing for the NPD, BPD, hence it being called toxic. I suppose being depressive I get that (shame) myself, but knowing the BPDs in my life its beyond anything I've ever felt. I've never had the desire to self-harm or suicide. Although i have done foolish things before.

I do however think that the shame BPDs feel stems from a sense of empathy - I'm not gonna count out empathy from a BPD, I think they do feel it. It's immature- but BPD is about emotional instability and impulse control. Yes BPD and NPD are similar but they're not the same thing. NPDs bury their shame deeply to the point where they never feel it, BPDs live with it daily and spend their lives trying to escape it (usually by creating false realities)