What did you gain?

[trappedinlove]

Positive thinking really strengthens me in coping with my loss.

When I look at where I am today I realize I've gained quite a bit from the r/s and from dealing with the loss of it.

For example, to state a few important points:

* I am more aware of myself: my emotions, my needs and the way I express them (or not)

* I am more aware of my partner's emotions and needs and the way she may express them (or not)

* I am learning to apply mindfulness in my life and it has become a very important tool for me when I'm in distress.

* I learned to function better when I am depressed and/or anxious.

* I accept myself better, including when I'm down, without beating myself up for it.

* I improved a lot in self-acknowledgement so I require less external affirmation for my own value, less external validation for my pain, less external validation of my needs.

* I improved a lot in establishing and asserting my boundaries.

I am interested to hear from others where do you stand today?

And I hope this will help folks here be more optimistic about where we all are and the process we're going through!

TIL

[laelle]

That it is not what other's think about me, but what I think about myself.

That there is no easter bunny or santa clause, and that there are some people out there who will use you for their own purposes. (intentional or not)

That I have a right to tell them to f*** off... . I do not have to save anyone but myself.

[LA4610]

nice thread... . i have learned how to take care of myself and focus on my goals.

[Popcorn71]

I gained 'my life' back and a better relationship with my teenage kids.  I also gained back my self respect and confidence in myself.  Most days, I have gained happiness and peace, although I still get the odd 'down day'.

I had become a total doormat.  For too long, I put myself second to a man who wasn't deserving of me.  I let him come between me and my family and gave up too much in order to keep him happy.  It wasn't enough for him but he was slowly destroying me to get what he wanted.

[blissful_camper]

Great thread.

1. I learned that I'm stronger than I thought I was.  I was emotionally drained, confused (I was a mess) at the end of it, but I still had the strength to put that aside and do what I needed to do to help myself (pack up a house-load of stuff, and move out-of-state). 

2. I'm proud of myself for deciding that enough was enough. 

3. I have my self respect back.

4. I have stronger boundaries now that I apply in all areas of my life.  That's a really great thing and I'm feeling especially good about that. 

5.  I have my peaceful, drama-free life back. 

6. My positive outlook has, for the most part, returned.  I still have days when I feel off, but I snap out of it more quickly by engaging in things that I enjoy.  If I do that, I can snap out of it in about an hour. 

7.  I'm more focused on taking care of me, and my goals. 

8.  The relationship caused me to look at my friendships too.  I ended friendships that I felt weren't healthy for me. 

9. I'm happier than I was when in the r/s.

10. I've learned to say "no" and stand by that. 

11.  I refuse to allow others to take their problems out on me. 

12.  I'm not afraid to speak my truth anymore. 

Yay!

[trappedinlove]

So good to hear about the positive changes in your lives.

The healthy focus on ourselves and on our healing.

The separation and detachment from people who were bad for us.

The coping tools we developed.

Our strengthening and improved relationship skills.

The acknowledgement of the calm, brighter light that slowly penetrates our cloudy skies.

Thank you. This is very inspiring.

[Cardinals in Flight]

First and MOST importantly I learned to trust my gut instincts, and then do as it says

Second, I'm a really good person, with good values, and a good life, it's what attracted the pwBPD in the first place

Third, I realize where I go wrong in trying to "fix" without being asked, to really stop, ask myself "do you really want to help?", or am I looking for a certain outcome, ie trying to control.

Fourth, I know now that when someone needs space, I should let them have it REGARDLESS of whether or not it feels bad, (like Im being blown off, truly left, or it is a truthful just needing space), strengthening the grip is not endearing, but further pushes people away.

Fifth, I trust people too soon, I need to hang back

Sixth, I am a sensitive, caring, loving woman with a whole lot to give to the right person!

CiF. Aka, "a great catch"!

[trappedinlove]

First and MOST importantly I learned to trust my gut instincts, and then do as it says

Second, I'm a really good person, with good values, and a good life, it's what attracted the pwBPD in the first place

Third, I realize where I go wrong in trying to "fix" without being asked, to really stop, ask myself "do you really want to help?", or am I looking for a certain outcome, ie trying to control.

Fourth, I know now that when someone needs space, I should let them have it REGARDLESS of whether or not it feels bad, (like Im being blown off, truly left, or it is a truthful just needing space), strengthening the grip is not endearing, but further pushes people away.

Fifth, I trust people too soon, I need to hang back

Sixth, I am a sensitive, caring, loving woman with a whole lot to give to the right person!

Wow, I can relate to so much of that.

CiF. Aka, "a great catch"!

You rock, CiF!

[blissful_camper]

First and MOST importantly I learned to trust my gut instincts, and then do as it says

Second, I'm a really good person, with good values, and a good life, it's what attracted the pwBPD in the first place

Third, I realize where I go wrong in trying to "fix" without being asked, to really stop, ask myself "do you really want to help?", or am I looking for a certain outcome, ie trying to control.

Fourth, I know now that when someone needs space, I should let them have it REGARDLESS of whether or not it feels bad, (like Im being blown off, truly left, or it is a truthful just needing space), strengthening the grip is not endearing, but further pushes people away.

Fifth, I trust people too soon, I need to hang back

Sixth, I am a sensitive, caring, loving woman with a whole lot to give to the right person!

CiF. Aka, "a great catch"!

I can relate to this too, all of it.

If only I'd trusted my gut instinct... .  

Thanks for sharing. 

[Boisnix79]

I love reading these and realizing we are all learning similar lessons. It helps validate the lessons I feel have made me a stronger person. Overall The most inportant thing I found out was that I am much stronger than I ever imagined, the things you think will kill you make you tough... . the mind is a muscle, when worked out it becomes strong.

2. Standing up an protecting me above all else is HEALTHY! Not selfish as I previously seemed to think.

3. People are going through what I'm going through, and we can help each other. Yay

4. Learned that in the end the only person you can really count on is ourselves. Have your own back.

5. You physically touch me in a angry way and its over, period.

I feel like I learned a lot of lessons I should have gotten at a younger age from this relationship, but reardless I feel like te naivety has worn off and I am aware of my own limitations. If a stove is hot DONT touch it DUMMMMMMMMMY! Lol


Love you guys and thanks for making us think about what positive things have come of this.

I'm 7 weeks out and I'm feeling much stronger.