Today was the ultimate epiphany

[JohnThorn]

Hi guys,

I write this from my desk at work.  A sudden event happened to me with regard to my ex uBPD and it totally changed the way I see it all now.  I wanted to share it all with you (as well as write out my feelings)

I think in the back of my mind I always believed until this very moment that perhaps BPD was a misdiagnosis on my part, in an attempt to make sense of all the weird and destructive behavior.  I always had slight doubt and it left me replaying events and conversations on endless loops. 

Today, I was finally clued in beyond on all argument that my ex has no loyalty, conscience, sense of reality, and ultimately I am finally able to solidify the last piece of the BPD jigsaw puzzle.

I want you all to know that up until joining hands with my ex, I was a fully functional, mentally stable guy.  There is nothing wrong with me, just as there is likely nothing wrong with you.  EXCEPT that I am, and always have been a trusting and sensitive (serious minded) person with fair intentions towards other people.  I have not always been socially accepted, but I am far from awkward and more than anything I am just highly introverted and honest.

Some of you may already know of my relationship past, but more or less, I went through the same stories as you.  The girl was head over heels in love, we were "soul mates" until one day she became explosively hurtful weird, jealous, all triggered by seemingly nothing.  I tried to keep up and make her happy because I was obsessively in love with her at this point, but with every attempt at fulfilling her needs, the door to happiness either became a few pounds heavier or simply revolved a complete 180.  There was no happiness.  She became deceptive and disloyal.  I actually believe I had her loyalty in the beginning, even if the deception was there in some ways. 

To make a long story short, she attempts to keep all her ex boyfriends within arm's reach.  And like stand-ins they come back whenever she attempts to hook them in.  It's funny to think about this one girl (attractive yes) who has 3 to 7 guys all essentially at her beck and call.  I don't know all the guys well, but I know enough to know that they all ended up feeling destroyed and each one acted out in different ways - some physical, some took to alcohol or drugs, some fled the country (no i'm not making this up)... . i am positive that each one including myself considered suicide during the destructive final periods.  How do I know all this?  I dated the girl for only 6 months, I've known her for 8 years very well. 

During fights, my ex had a habit of slipping up and saying things that were classic BPD... . "I can make anyone trust me sweetheart, you have no idea what i'm capable of"... . "you think that guy doesn't like me? I can make anyone my b**tch"... . "no one would ever believe you left me, look at you" 

... .

In the months since our split, she routinely contacts me about once every 2 weeks to tell me to stop harassing her and that I'm an awful person, a "con artist"... . I haven't attempted contact with her and no one would be harassing her on my behalf, so I have little belief that anything is happening... . all stories.

So what happened today?

Today, was the final piece of the puzzle.  Today, I feel I've been given a gift of truth.

This weekend I received a notification from the Holiday Inn that she had made reservations for memorial day.  When she and I were together we created an account using her card and my email.  I understood it was an innocent slip up on her part and I contacted her via email requesting that my email be removed from her account.  Of course it was upsetting (privately) to know she was obviously with someone else and enjoying hotel time with them, but that's to be expected.

This morning I received a new email notification from the Holiday Inn that a new email of hers has been added to her account, however she's neglected to remove my email.  I forwarded it to her stating that I would like her to remove my email from further notifications.  Unfortunately I cannot seem to remove my email without her pin#.

About 2 hours later, I receive a facebook message from her new boyfriend stating that I should stop bothering her about holiday inn notifications.

EXCEPT... .

To my surprise (or maybe I shouldn't be surprised)... . It was the guy she left just before we got together, a guy whom she was with for several years, a guy who she never said a nice word about, a guy who she claimed physically abused her, a guy who when she spoke about him terribly - I defended and told her she sounded like an ass to always speak so terribly about - a guy who she told that I raped her apparently... . she told me when we were together that she was merely passing time with that guy because i was with someone and that she never really loved him etc.

The point I'm trying to make is... .

Today I was given the gift of BPD confirmation.  In knowing with absolute certainty that she just bounces back and forth and portrays each ex as a villain to her new/old ex, I am beyond positive that she is a sad human being who knowingly suffers with BPD and is unwilling to treat it.  She knows she has it.  We talked about it for hours and hours and she admitted several times she believed she had it.  She was not willing to treat it though.

The thing that keeps me yearning is the memory of our sex, and those eyes - not that her eyes are amazing (they are) - but its that look - you know the look - its the look of total adoration that all BPDs give their lover during the captivation/seduction.  I need to get over this look.  It was real for a moment.  It wasn't REALLY real.

[All ears]

You've got it right on John and I needed to hear that! I just told my therapist yesterday that I missed "the look" that she gave me and I worry that she is giving it to my replacement... . but I love what you wrote and it just helped me realize also it's NOT REAL! thank you!

[goodmann11]

Hi I have posted on here many times and come back for validation and confirmation... Just in case I may read something that makes me doubt my experience.

Yet again I am reading almost like for like Phrases actions physical traits... . Its almost like we are writing about the same person... . Absolutely incredible.

I thank you all on here for your heart felt words  I share your pain and experience. It seems that us nons are all so similar too before and after.

You really have to go through this to understand it in any way

Thank you and good health to you all

[AwakenedOne]

About 2 hours later, I receive a facebook message from her new boyfriend stating that I should stop bothering her about holiday inn notifications.

If I was you I would not contact her any more about changing your email with Holiday Inn. Looks like she isn't going to change it regardless. If you see a Holiday Inn email just don't read it, delete unread. To get it removed, maybe calling Holiday Inn direct instead is a better solution, if this is really necessary.

The thing that keeps me yearning is the memory of our sex, and those eyes - not that her eyes are amazing (they are) - but its that look - you know the look - its the look of total adoration that all BPDs give their lover during the captivation/seduction.  I need to get over this look.  It was real for a moment. It wasn't REALLY real.

I remember "the look" also. Like you said though unfortunately it wasn't real. It's a haunting sickening thought I have now.

JT, You have come such a long way in the last few weeks. You really have a deep understanding of things now and I think are both wise and mentally strong. Seeing others strength such as yours is inspiring to me.

AO

[christoff522]

Oh brother, yes... we've all had those stories, how he pinned her down and hurt her, how he was secretly gay, how he did this, did that... how he chatted to other girls etc etc how he got people to beat her up...

Now shes back with him... the evil ex.

I sort of view it as two realities, there is one reality, one compartment in her mind where she truly loved me, and another where she hates me. When she paints me white - that reality reveals itself, when she paints me black then she opens another door in her head and walks through. She is a truly fractured mind, and when she 'feels' something, that is simply her making a new reality, one that tends not to fit with actual events. She lives in a world of falsehood that suits how she 'feels'. For her emotion is rationality... rather than it being an internal system of reaction to external stimuli... her internal system is true reality... and external stimuli are forced to fit with her feelings.

Its hard to write this, but for me it shows how BPDs can so easily become stalkers. They honestly believe that the person they stalk loves them. Or their desire for revenge for some seeming 'wrong' done to them outweighs whatever else they have in their lives.

BPDs live from day to day in an emotional world that we 'norms' just couldn't understand. Thats how they so easily get triggered. For them a trigger can lead to a breakdown, suicide, murder!

But it excuses nothing, they know what right and wrong is - they feel guilt, they have a conscience.

We are so much better off. Her text "I'm better off on my own, I don't need this, I need to enjoy myself" - thats a prophetic message to anyone who is with someone who has BPD, no amount of neediness and loneliness justifies the suffering we are or were put through.

Stay away from her completely, don't get involved... just remember how you felt, and what you would have done to protect her from on of her evil exes... thats what that youth thinks of you right now. Don't push it or you could incur some wrath. Some of those guys she goes with are nutcases, I remember my BPD's ex apparently sent someone after me as he saw me as 'having an affair' with her. Unaware of this, when I was discarded I apologised, as I realised how ridiculous and false the whole thing was. He informed me that he had sent someone after me but would tell them not to now.

BPD's bring trouble and strife. thats my warning to anyone who thinks a relationship with a BPD could go anywhere.

[Arminius]

'The thing that keeps me yearning is the memory of our sex, and those eyes - not that her eyes are amazing (they are) - but its that look - you know the look - its the look of total adoration that all BPDs give their lover during the captivation/seduction.  I need to get over this look.  It was real for a moment.  It wasn't REALLY real

John, I couldn't agree more. You have summed it up perfectly. This is what I cannot get past too.

[Split black]

'The thing that keeps me yearning is the memory of our sex, and those eyes - not that her eyes are amazing (they are) - but its that look - you know the look - its the look of total adoration that all BPDs give their lover during the captivation/seduction.  I need to get over this look.  It was real for a moment.  It wasn't REALLY real'

John, I couldn't agree more. You have summed it up perfectly. This is what I cannot get past too.

Get over the sex bro... . mine was insanely hot... . its her hook. She seduces everyone she meets. The sex isnt worth your pride and dignity. You may think so now... . but its not...

John-Thorns story is my story but mine is worse.

[sirensong65]

John:

I am so happy the light bulb moment came to you today.  I'm there too only a little more jaded I think.

As far as "that look"  I have to give you another perspective of a female looking back at that from a male BPD.  It creeped me the hell out!  And as I look back, he gave that weird look (mouth slightly open, head back, eyes almost rolled back in his head) as he would sigh after kissing me ON THE FIRST DATE. As Jeff Foxworthy might utter, "there's your sign!"  RED FLAG ALERT!

I can honestly say I don't miss the sex or THAT look because I KNOW he is giving it to the new girl.  And I got confirmation from the three gf's before me that he did the same thing to them.  He even said similar things to them in romantic and sexual moments.  He has a script. THEY have a script.  It's not real, or heartfelt OR reserved for us.  Nothing is sacred or pure with a BPD.

If you notice my handle here is Sirensong.  It was chosen for two reasons.  One, I always loved the tale of the mermaids.  But I also chose it because of the story behind them... . and they all ARE NOT female.  I was serenaded by a Merman!  !  He is is lulling another one from the safety of her boat into the water as I type this...

My current issue is accepting compliments of flirtation at the moment.  Internally, I become enraged and want to punch someone.  I also have a hard time believing anything they say that is positive. Sad... .

[kfifd196]

Yes, this sounds just like me as well!  I remember the eyes and how much she "loved" me.  It was unlike ANY love I've ever known.  I had my epiphany the other day, when I went to drop off my daughter to her and she made false claims to her lawyer about me.  Thankfully, I had emails to back me up and diminish her claims.  It was unreal, how someone who adored me and loved me so much, was grateful and felt blessed for me could "snap" and want me destroyed from that point on, over what was seemingly nothing.  Anyone that hears my story, says the same thing... . "I can't believe she wants a divorce over that!"  She snapped and bit me.  The other day, when I dropped my daughter off (she's 1), she didn't want to go to my soon-to-be-ex-wife.  It hurt to see my daughter feel like that and my wife snapped again and cursed me out, blaming ME!  This is NOT the person I dated or married.  I don't recognize her personality.  She's not the loving, caring person I met.  That's what hurts the most.  She is really out to destroy me and my epiphany was realizing, that I can not trust her anymore.  I don't know WHAT she is cabaple of.  She even threatened to accuse me of rape and has falsely accused me of cheating, being a porn addict and lying!  I went through her computer and found hundreds of porn sites!  She needs serious help!  She even convinced me, that I needed help, so I went to a therapist, who said there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. 

I really wish I could help her and bring her back to who she was, but I realize I can't.  I just pray she doesn't harm our daughter or make her turn out bad.  I still love her and care very much for her, despite her trying to destroy me, because I know it's the disorder and not "her".

[JohnThorn]

Yes, this sounds just like me as well!  I remember the eyes and how much she "loved" me.  It was unlike ANY love I've ever known.  I had my epiphany the other day, when I went to drop off my daughter to her and she made false claims to her lawyer about me.  Thankfully, I had emails to back me up and diminish her claims.  It was unreal, how someone who adored me and loved me so much, was grateful and felt blessed for me could "snap" and want me destroyed from that point on, over what was seemingly nothing.  Anyone that hears my story, says the same thing... . "I can't believe she wants a divorce over that!"  She snapped and bit me.  The other day, when I dropped my daughter off (she's 1), she didn't want to go to my soon-to-be-ex-wife.  It hurt to see my daughter feel like that and my wife snapped again and cursed me out, blaming ME!  This is NOT the person I dated or married.  I don't recognize her personality.  She's not the loving, caring person I met.  That's what hurts the most.  She is really out to destroy me and my epiphany was realizing, that I can not trust her anymore.  I don't know WHAT she is cabaple of.  She even threatened to accuse me of rape and has falsely accused me of cheating, being a porn addict and lying!  I went through her computer and found hundreds of porn sites!  She needs serious help!  She even convinced me, that I needed help, so I went to a therapist, who said there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. 

I really wish I could help her and bring her back to who she was, but I realize I can't.  I just pray she doesn't harm our daughter or make her turn out bad.  I still love her and care very much for her, despite her trying to destroy me, because I know it's the disorder and not "her".

Id be writing so much more to show my gratitude to everyone. I only have an iPhone at home at the moment so i can't write as much.

I did want to comment on the last thing you said here.

I think that's the dangerous line we all cross in our minds  "she's good, it's the disorder that makes her bad."  I can't tell you how many times I've said those words in my head. Perhaps it's a constant feeling in my mind. But friend, we really need to let go of this. Maybe it's important to be hopeful in your case since you share a child. But in my case, I think the disorder is the person until the person is willing to make a change and stop hurting people.

I will tell you all that my ex is PROUD of the pain she's caused people. She would say as I was in despair "do you really think you're the ONLY guy who ever reacted or felt this way about me? Every guy I've ever been with was on his knees. I've never been with a guy who didn't want to marry me. Etc". My ex is a psycho selfish piece of trash who is so seductive and so physically attractive, that she can destroy men, households, lives and futures.

I am proud to say that at the time of our breakup, I used all the self doubt and terrible feelings our relationship caused me to catapult me into a new lifestyle. I am 31 and up until a month ago I was still living with my folks. Not proud to say it, but I will reveal that here. Well, when I felt extremely inadequate as a man, I decided that I needed to find some purpose for what I went thru and I got the hell out of my parents house. I've been trying to make some lemonade here. But it's very sour lemonade at that

To everyone else who has written here. I've been reading all day! As I'm still unpacking frommy move and have no internet service in my new place, I can't use a computer and my responses are limited. I so appreciate your support. Wanted you to all know!

[Split black]

I think that's the dangerous line we all cross in our minds  "she's good, it's the disorder that makes her bad."  I can't tell you how many times I've said those words in my head. Perhaps it's a constant feeling in my mind. But friend, we really need to let go of this.  But in my case, I think the disorder is the person until the person is willing to make a change and stop hurting people.

I will tell you all that my ex is PROUD of the pain she's caused people. She would say as I was in despair "do you really think you're the ONLY guy who ever reacted or felt this way about me? Every guy I've ever been with was on his knees. I've never been with a guy who didn't want to marry me. Etc". My ex is a psycho selfish piece of trash who is so seductive and so physically attractive, that she can destroy men, households, lives and futures.

Ahhh yes... . you must know my ex.  What irritates me a lot is that so many times these emotional vampires get a pass because they have this, and other over lapping disorders... . Well... . I say theee NAY. No pass... . yes everyone is different but the similarities right down to their shared verbiage is beyond belief. NO PASS... .  They make choices... . forgive their impulses?... . ummm no. Nope, no can do. They are totally self destructive and live in a world of fear and pain?... . ummmm ok sure, sometimes... . but MINE sure did seem to revel in her multiple cock hopping and juggling... . behind everyone's back of course. What a player. Damn... . she hurt the living ___ out of me. And given the opportunity ( If I broke NC ) ... . Im almost positive I could have another run at it. Geee, being recycled 5 times sure seems like a fun idea. ( puke ) But that would make ME insane and she would only have a personality disorder. I HATE it that she is still in my head if only for fleeting moments. Addiction is brutal.

[imsodizzy]

So i have a ? I know not all BPDs are the same but my BPDexgf wants me to meet her replacement but she said he heard all the good things about ? When i see her shes a big old b___ which to me makes me think she has me painted black but tries to tell this guy how great i am to destroy his self esteem and control him ? I know she is BPD was diagnosed but acts the the dr was the crazy one supposedly nothing wrong with her he diesnt know what hes talking about but my ? If she says all these nice things about me but is a b to me black and white make grey which is what they supposedly cant see

[christoff522]

Id be writing so much more to show my gratitude to everyone. I only have an iPhone at home at the moment so i can't write as much.

I did want to comment on the last thing you said here.

I think that's the dangerous line we all cross in our minds  "she's good, it's the disorder that makes her bad."  I can't tell you how many times I've said those words in my head. Perhaps it's a constant feeling in my mind. But friend, we really need to let go of this. Maybe it's important to be hopeful in your case since you share a child. But in my case, I think the disorder is the person until the person is willing to make a change and stop hurting people.

If I ever was to take her back, there would have to be some REAL concerted effort to get help. I wouldn't just settle for the "I know I'm like this, sorry" that I'd taken in the past. I just, I cannot understand how her entire family allows her to be like this. I feel for her mum (assuming she's not the cause of it).

I will tell you all that my ex is PROUD of the pain she's caused people. She would say as I was in despair "do you really think you're the ONLY guy who ever reacted or felt this way about me? Every guy I've ever been with was on his knees. I've never been with a guy who didn't want to marry me. Etc". My ex is a psycho selfish piece of trash who is so seductive and so physically attractive, that she can destroy men, households, lives and futures.

Mine used to say "I'm gonna destroy you" with a big smile on her face. She also used to say she 'hated' men, and 'all men are d**ks'. Funny that someone who uses and abuses men would think that about them. Something odd, I'm at the point where I don't see her as seductive or 'that' attractive anymore. But I don't doubt that she probably will do the things you describe there.

I am proud to say that at the time of our breakup, I used all the self doubt and terrible feelings our relationship caused me to catapult me into a new lifestyle. I am 31 and up until a month ago I was still living with my folks. Not proud to say it, but I will reveal that here. Well, when I felt extremely inadequate as a man, I decided that I needed to find some purpose for what I went thru and I got the hell out of my parents house. I've been trying to make some lemonade here. But it's very sour lemonade at that

Haha I still live with the folks, 27 . Its good to know that it's possible. My breakup has led me to deal with self improvement, self esteem and to really assess the issues that led to me becoming entangled with someone so bonkers. I find it really helpful, and its led me to become somewhat indifferent to her. Its a long road ahead. But I think it was a necessary thing to happen, as its not led me to understand why she was in my life, and the one before, and the one before, and the one before that.

To everyone else who has written here. I've been reading all day! As I'm still unpacking frommy move and have no internet service in my new place, I can't use a computer and my responses are limited. I so appreciate your support. Wanted you to all know!

Keep reading, its a long road, but a worthwhile journey! God bless you.