Speaking with BPD relatives on the phone... can you do that?

[Sofie]

I was just curious to hear about the experiences that other people have with speaking to their BPD relatives on the phone. I make a routine phone call to uBPD mom every Sunday, but very often I wonder why I even bother, because we, literally, cannot have a conversation.

A typical phone call goes something like this:

Me: Hey mom, it's Sofie.

Mom: Hey, Sofie - how are you doing?

Me: Well, I... .

(Mom interrupts with randomn extremely detailed description of what she's had for breakfast/what her friend got for Christmas/how her back is hurting).

Mom:... . but how are YOU doing?

Me: Well, I just... .

(Mom interrupts)

Mom: Did you see that new TV show (insert randomn name)?

Me: Ehm... . TV show? Mom, I was just going to tell you about... .

(Mom interrupts)

Mom: Well, I certainly don't like it, that host dresses really poorly and yadda-yadda-yadda... .

I think you get the picture. Usually, our "conversations" end after around 45 minutes where I feel we haven't really spoken at all - yet, of course she routinely complains about that "I never tell her anything."   She really has the attention span of a demented fly on the phone. She's a bit better - if not exactly great - one-on-one, but on the phone, she's a nightmare. Are your BPD family members able to have a conversation with you on the phone?

[Louise7777]

"Are your BPD family members able to have a conversation with you on the phone?"

Short answer: NO! Not at all.

Im VLC/ NC with them, but I never ever recall anybody really asking me how I was, how my life was going. At best (and I mean it) was a rethorical "how are you?". Mine are great at monologues. They talk about themselves, their problems, their lives or their friends (people I have never met). At my birthday, maybe 3 years ago, this uHPD/ BPD cousin phoned and complained about her mom for 30 mins. Then she apologized cause it was my birthday after all... . But she had dumped all on me by then. It was the last time she wished me happy birthday and I took the opportunity to never phone her again on hers.

[busybee1116]

I used phone calls as a way to set my first, gentle undeclared boundaries. Like you, I think regular phone calls or emails are a good idea in principle because it's reliable and reassuring to an unstable person to know you will call, regularly. I started to shorten phone calls to 20 mins because I could not stand my mom talking AT me for 45+ minutes. I shorten the calls even more if she veers off into topics I feel are off limits. I have a million excuses--"Oops, Mom, I've got to go. Something is bubbling over on the stove! I think the cat just threw up! My neighbor is knocking on the door. There's the mailman! I need to give him something. Oh no, I think the washing machine is leaking... . talk to you next week!" I try to have a few non personal positive topics in hand just in case (beyond weather, like gardening, nice neighbor/community and work stories) I do get a word in edgewise or need to force a topic change. Over time, she got used to the shorter calls, did a better job of getting to the point, and indirectly learned phone calls end when she starts asking personal questions or triangulating.

[Gowest]

She monologues and I don't listen (surf the net) and then it's my turn. Lately I don't even have the strength for that.

[Levi78]

Apparently we have the same mother! I could have written that phone convo verbatim. 

You must be a saint to put up with 45 minutes of that ADD yammering. I have neither the patience nor the pity to hang for more than 5 minutes at a stretch. I ALWAYS multitask so that it's not a total waste of my time. I just say things like "uh huh" and "that's nice" over and over -- uBPD mom never realizes that I'm intently loading the dishwasher.

I know she can't help it, but jesus it's so annoying.

[slayer]

No.  In fact I've had so much of a problem with talking to them on the phone that I've definitely changed for the worse.  When I pick up the phone and it's them my blood immediately starts to boil, I've lost patience before the conversation has even started.  I often wonder if I don't have a touch of some sort of mental disorder because of my behavior.   Sometimes it's hard to keep my temper in check, I don't enjoy the conversations and they occur almost daily.

One thing that has helped me is to understand why they call and why they call so often.  One issue is that they have no friends.  Their personalities are often so caustic that they end up driving away anyone that is not directly related to them.  Their list of people to talk to is very short.  I think it's important to realize this because it helps me to feel sympathy for them which in turn helps me have a little more patience.

It has been my experience that they also have an intrinsic need to tell their "woe is me" story to everyone and anyone.  If they have no friends to call on that means they'll be dialing you and me.  I've seen this go to extremes as well; cornering random strangers in public places.  That tells me that they very much have a need to make their story known, to convince others how they are the victim.  I think it's a part of their coping mechanism.  In some ways knowing that helps, over the years I've learned to just listen and not take anything they say too seriously.

I really hate to say this because it's pretty negative, but sometimes I need to vent.  My experience is that phone conversations are typically broken down by the following percentages:

• 25% - start a fight.  They didn't like one word you said in the last phone conversation, they've been up all night thinking about it, and they are just calling to let you know where you can stick it.  These are my least favorite.  I can usually remember saying the offending word but I always find it amazing how much it has been blown out of proportion.



• 10% - a normal, or as close to normal as you're going to get, phone call.



• 40% - the woe is me story.  I feel bad for even calling them out on that.  I'm sure that from their perspective life must be one constant hell.  Still I've heard it enough that I begin to have my doubts.  What would be more painful for them, the things they relate in their story or sitting on a good story and not being able to tell anyone (keep it to themselves)?



• 25% - mountains out of molehills.  Something minor has happened, something we all deal with daily, but the event is relayed as if it were the biggest disaster of all time.  Once upon a time these really worried me, now I just tune it out.  It makes me worried for the day where I tune out something that truly is serious.