Emergency--what do I do?

[Valley Quail]

Hi Friends,


Thanks so much for reading this and offering any suggestions.


My mom is dBPD and uNPD. We moved into a beautiful apartment about two years ago when I was looking after her at the time. A few months after we moved in, when she found that I wanted to be a healthy individual and go to school and pursue a new career, (which I could do and still help her out) she panicked and bolted to another state. She raged at me and had a lawyer send letters to intimidate me. The worst part was that she was the sole person on the lease and she left me with the full expensive rent without a job (as my job was caring for her at the time) in the #2 worst state in the country for jobs.


I had borrowed some to get me through and got a job and made rent every month like clockwork. A few months later she promised to go to therapy and she was making great progress. She moved to a cute place about 5 minutes away.The lease where I live was still in her name and she was fine with that.


A few months ago as we were getting close again, she tried to pull a manipulative stunt with lying and trying to take advantage of her landlord. She wanted my involvement. I stated an honest fair thing I could do to help. As I was trying to maintain boundaries and avoid the traps of the stunt, she kept lying and trying to manipulate me. (It was before I found this great group and how to present boundaries,) so I did the best I could and said calmly (in response to her facebook message) "You're not cooperating, I'm sorry I can't help you." The ramifications of getting involved in her stunt could have been big and I'm glad I was calm and didn't get trapped into it.

But she has gone postal... . completely bullying and harassing me in every way. I have stayed calm and overlooked them. She wrote and said she didn't want to talk for a year, so I cooperated. A few days later, she begins to bully even more for cooperating with her idea of not talking.

Now it's gotten to where she is so in need of control that she called the utility companies to shut off all the utilities. (She knows that I am again in the middle of a job search and cannot yet put everything in my name but can and have payed the bills. I started a little retail job yesterday, but it won't be enough to put the lease in my name, although I have some borrowed money to supplement it.)

I have recently applied to about 45 good jobs and am still in the running for many. Yesterday and today I put in 13 hours each with... commuting, completing an orientation for the retail job, taking two tests for a better job, and submitting an intensive application packet for a second better job. I come home to find a notice on the door that they are going to come in the apartment to search because she told the leasing office that she moved out. (Granted she moved out almost two years ago, but I'm cooperating with her original wishes of no contact and not letting her upset or control me so she's using this punishment.) My dog will be here when they come in and I will be at my first day on the new little job.

It is month-to-month right now in her name and the office mentioned about a month ago lightly that I would have to have a job (a real job I assume) to put the lease in my name. It's in her name only... she told on me that she doesn't live here, I don't know think that my little retail job would be enough to put it in my name (although I have some borrowed to supplement) and I'm wondering what my options are. Do you think I should just state the truth to the office and ask for their understanding? Do you know if I can still live here legally?

Thank you so much in advance... .

[Narellan]

Hi sweetie , so sorry to hear you're going through this with your mum.

I absolutely would tell the office your circumstances. If you can prove when your mum moved Out that would be a great help as they can then see you have been paying the rent solely. I would be as honest as possible with them, without going into too much about your mums health. Also if you can get your bills together and copy them to show you have been managing for 2 years independently of your mum. Tell them you have NC with your mum due to health issues if you like. Tell them about your employment prospects too. Talk to the utilities companies about getting these bills changed into your name. Any bank statements to show you alone are supporting yourself with no help from your mum.

Secondly I would put an ad in the local paper to try to get a nice housemate. Even if you don't eventually do this, it shows the landlord you are wanting to stay in the house.

Keep NC with your mum. 

[momtara]

I am worried about you losing the dog.  They come in, dog runs out, you can't find dog.  Or worse.  Please find a way to deal with that.  I went thru it with my mentally ill brother - he got thrown out of his place, the family dog got taken, and luckily we got her back before the shelter put her to sleep.  Just don't want to see that happen to you.

[Valley Quail]

Such great points.Thank you so much Narellan and momtara for your help.


hey are closed right now and when they open, I will be on duty and not be able to speak to them until they are scheduled to be coming in. Maybe I should leave a message with the office tonight about the dog--(and maybe put him in the bedroom in the morning and tell them about it) and explain the situation?   ... or do you both think I should leave a note instead?


Thank you both so much... I really appreciate you

[Valley Quail]

Oops, sorry ... . that should say 'They are closed right now... '

[Narellan]

Is there anyone you can leave the dog with for the day? Neighbour? Friend?

Otherwise I'd leave a note in the front door and lock him in the bedroom. Good luck xx

[Valley Quail]

Thank you very much. I appreciate you all.

[Valley Quail]

Hi,


Wanted to give an update... . and thank you Narellan and momtara... . I took your suggestions. I had the dog stay with a neighbor for the day, put an ad out for a housemate, typed up a letter explaining the situation and then left it for the office before heading to work. 


As I was running in the complex to work, I heard someone behind me calling my name. I just kept running and heard it again. I knew exactly who it was... . my mom. I stayed calm and just kept running to work. She called a couple times right after, trying to verbally abuse me and offer to sign the apartment documents if she could have me back under her control.


After work, I went to the office and thank the Lord, they were very understanding that I've been there independent of her for the past two years. Everything worked out well with the apartment complex and I was able to stay no contact. Thanks so much for your suggestions. Hope you have a great weekend.

[Narellan]

Hey ValleyQuail I was just thinking of you yesterday, and was going to check in with you and see how things went ! Thanks so much for the update. I'm so happy for you! You rock girl   I'm really so pleased for you, that's made my day that things are looking up for you. So often we talk to people on here in crisis and don't get to hear the good stuff happening.

Are you going to keep NC with your mum now? It's wonderful to see your focus shift from your mum to you! I'd like to encourage you to continue to post on L5 "Coping and healing from a BPD parent " board and read the resources at the right of the board. They will give you valuable information on communicating effectively with pwBPD, and you can benefit from gaining tools and implementing your knowledge in further communications with your mum. Having a family member with BPD means ongoing  communication with them in some way, so the lessons and resources here can help you to respond to her appropriately and empower you to set and keep boundaries, and enable you to stay out of the dysfunctional relationship your mum is seeking.

I applaud your courage and strength. Peace