Need Advise ASAP...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hopefully you don't sick of me posting here... .

I was just going to go to bed... . I hear this text come in... . and guess who it was?  the ex I havent talked to her for two weeks... .

She had told me to not contact her... I got this message saying... . "Sorry i was rude , but its best if we dont contact each other. I hope everything is good with you. Take care... . "

Need advice guys... . Please... .

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Hopefully you don't sick of me posting here... .

I was just going to go to bed... . I hear this text come in... . and guess who it was?  the ex I havent talked to her for two weeks... .

She had told me to not contact her... I got this message saying... . "Sorry i was rude , but its best if we dont contact each other. I hope everything is good with you. Take care... . "

Need advice guys... . Please... .

[cosmonaut]

Hey, notsure.

We're not sick of you at all.  We're here for you.

What do you think your ex's intentions were in sending the text?

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Hey Cosmo,

I am not sure... I wonder if she truly means it or if she wants a response from me... . I am not sure really. I am not responding to this... (As much as I want to). I have pleaded and agreed to her everything. I am not giving her any more of my time really. I love this girl but I just can't think of being near her to be honest. From what I read here, they just dont' change. Like I mentioned before, she betrayed and cheated on her ex of 7+ years 3 times. She has no limits on what she will do

[cosmonaut]

I'm not sure why she sent that text either, but I think what you are saying makes a lot of sense.  She has repeated that she thinks it best not to have contact.  As you know, you have become a trigger for your ex, through no fault of your own - it's the disorder.  So, she is running and pushing you away because she doesn't know how to handle the situation any other way.

I can understand something of how you must feel.  My ex too left me and then asked me not to contact her anymore.  She was never really able to explain why or what had happened between us.  It wasn't a rational decision.  It was BPD.

Hang in there, Notsure.  Keep the focus on YOU.  Focus on nurturing and being good to YOU.  We will all get through this together.

[AwakenedOne]

Hey Notsure,

I'd ignore, probably she's just seeing what your current mood is so she can make a note of it for future use in case she wants to try to recycle with you later. Sorry I was rude isn't much of a sorry. Just think back to that Remorse thread about what sorry means in reality. I don't know what she did but you can ask yourself if she's sorry or not. I'd just ignore. That's me though. You can always listen to advice, but for sure do what you think is best.

Peace,

AO

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Thanks Cosmo,

I was doing and feeling a bit better this last 3 days...   Not sure why  she would contact me . Ugh!  I am get the feeling her  texting is not over yet. the more I ignore her the more she will try to contact me . She did it with her ex . I heard that thru the grapevine. 

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I think you are Awakened,

She is checking to see if I'm still available for future "encounters" . She has all these other guys ready to jump high when she needs them. Sigh

[cosmonaut]

I'm sorry you are going through this, Notsure.  I know how hard it is.

If you have decided that you need NC, can you block your ex from texting you?  That might help so that you don't even have to see her texts.

[trappedinlove]

Hopefully you don't sick of me posting here... .

Not at all.

I was just going to go to bed... . I hear this text come in... . and guess who it was?  the ex I havent talked to her for two weeks... .

She had told me to not contact her... I got this message saying... . "Sorry i was rude , but its best if we dont contact each other. I hope everything is good with you. Take care... . "

Need advice guys... . Please... .

Why not take it at face value.

It is a kind message, acknowledging she was rude to you.

She encourages mutual no contact which is a good thing.

She shows you she still cares about you,

and she wishes you well.

That's all good.

She probably knows she hurt you and it hurts her too as she must be feeling guilty about it.

Let it be and give yourself time and space to process what happened, heal, and detach from her.

I would reply to her with a brief, acknowledging, and non-emotional response, on the lines of.

"Thank you for your apology. I was indeed hurt. I agree it is best that we don't contact each other at this time and I hope all is well with you too. Take care."

I would also consider adding that:

"I realize it is hard on you and it is hard on me too. I hope that when we are both ready, we'll be able to talk about what happened more openly.

TIL

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I think that is a good point Cosmo. I haven't blocked  her yet, it's almost like I want her to text me but deep down I know she has issues ( a lot of issues) that obviously she can't fix. If that makes sense.  Btw! What do you mean I've becomed a trigger? I reminded her of something? I know that she still has a lot of pics of us from our recent trip in her computer . Is that what you mean?  As you can tell I need to read more about all this BPD stuff... .

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Trappedinlove,

Wouldn't it be better not to contact her at all ? Pics think you are right. She feels like crap for the rude email. I know her tho, she must be drinking and crying about it all. Believe me , I've seen first hand this type of behaviour from her.  I'm not sure what to do, but I think it's best I ignore it. This is confusing.

[pipehitter]

Take it at face value.

Don't put much hope in it in regards to "everything will change now."

But take it as an honest apology and a caring caring text.

I had kind of an enlightening moment yesterday, which relates to this situation and I am much better now.

Hurting... . But not on the verge of insanity anymore.

[cosmonaut]

You have become a trigger for her disorder.  BPD, being an attachment disoder, is triggered in close relationships.  Often people that are not close to a pwBPD do not see most of the disorder.  By becoming close to your ex, you triggered many feelings that your ex has as a result of her disorder.  pwBPD have intense fears of abandonment and these fears can be overwhelming.  This fear is only really triggered by people that the pwBPD are closely attached to, however.  Many pwBPD also experience engulfment where they feel that they are being swallowed up by someone else and are losing themselves.  This is very frightening for pbBPD and is a result of the unstable sense of self that they have.  The result of this is that pwBPD push away the very people who love them because of the extreme intensity of these emotions.  This is not something that is your fault in anyway.  This is completely a result of the disorder.  Nothing you did or didn't do would have changed this.  Only your ex can take the steps needed to repair this deeply distorted thinking based on out of control emotions.  BPD is a serious disorder.

I understand about wanting to be available to help your ex.  I wanted, and still want, the same thing.  We do have to realize, however, that we are not in any position to be able to do this.  We are a major trigger for our exes, through no fault of our own.

Have you read the article on the 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck yet?  If not, I think it might be worth your while.  It can better explain some of these ideas.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Awesome explanation Cosmo. I am just going to ignore that email I think . Not sure, but I think it's best.

Thanks for that.

Pipehitter: I am not putting any hope at all. I thought about her changing and being better. After 4 breakups. I've lost hope to be honest. It sucks tho, such a beautiful girl. I'm not mad at her really, I'm mad at her decease. Is it an honest apology you guys think? Is she " testing the waters" to see what mood I'm in ? Who knows really...

[AwakenedOne]

Who knows really...

True words... . You might want to take things one day at a time. You know just see how you feel after you reflect on it all?

One thing I know for sure, I'm tired I am now going to sleep. Gnite... . zzz... . snore... . zzz... . loud snore... .

Peace,

AO

[trappedinlove]

Awesome explanation Cosmo.

+1

I am just going to ignore that email I think . Not sure, but I think it's best.

That's very reasonable too.

Is it an honest apology you guys think? Is she " testing the waters" to see what mood I'm in ? Who knows really...

You can't be sure at 100% either way.

What matters more is how you take care of YOU and remain in control of your own destiny without letting her be too strong of an influence on you.

I read it as an honest apology, and yes, it is likely she's not completely detached from you and she might want to keep you hooked for a while (maybe indefinitely).  These 2 explanations are not mutually exclusive.

But you need to choose what you want regardless.

This r/s seems toxic to you as you lost yourself in it.

You can answer politely and empathically without falling into the push/pull game if you remain honest to your goals that are detachment and honest separation.

You need to be assertive and insist on agreeing to no contact, without playing games.

If it is too triggering for you though and you need to ignore this for your own sake and peace of mind - then go for it.

You deserve it to yourself.  You come in first priority.

[Narellan]

Great advice from the replies so far. I agree with everyone, but I think she was definitely testing the water. And no reply is necessary. She broke no contact to tell you to stay NC! That wasn't necessary and I see it as a bit calculated. My ex did similar a few weeks after our split. He said could we please stay friends and thanked me from the bottom of his heart for being his best friend in the world. I responded briefly that yes we were friends. He then started posting pics of us kissing on FB. I ignored. A week later he posted a nude if me. I rang and asked him to remove it. I discover all through this he is pursuing my best friend behind my back and making dates to meet up with her. I remain NC. I ditch my friend. A few weeks later he ditches my friend. A few days ago he starts abusing my sister via FB message.

It is ALL to get me to respond.

I won't. I'm done.

I'm waiting for the next attempt.


I regret responding to his first message about remaining friends. Enemies wouldn't even do this $hit. I should have stayed NC and grieved the loss.

Sorry for the ramble. They like to know you are still hanging there when they need you next. But the reasons he ran and the reason there's all this turmoil is due to his feelings for me. It was way too intense. I could barely handle it and I'm not BPD. I trigger his feelings now and he is torn. It has to he me that stops this cycle. And I've stopped because I love him. It needs to be this way now.

[Infared]

NotSureWhat

I agree with everything Cosmo says.

We are triggers for BPD's.

I see the text as a fishing expedition and it is laced with:

"Come close... . Get away!" Which is the insanity of the disease.

The contact is an attempted manipulation from a sick person.

IMHO blocking her texts would be good for you... . but only you can get comfortable with any decision that you make.

To me it seems you are doing just fine with all this and working at being mature, trying to take care of you and asking conscientious questions about something you are learning about and working through.

Keep it up!

[Indigo Sky]

Don't contact her.

Don't think about her.

Block all forms of communication from her.

[going places]

IMHO

This is a baiting tactic to suck you back in.

Block her from all social media, email and phone.

Do not accept ANY ANY ANY contact from her, period.

She is baiting you.

She's bored or worse sadistic; that is what this text is all about.

B-L-O-C-K  H-E-R

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I still can't believe that I got that message last night. I am sure this is not the end of this texting ... maybe I am wrong, but we'll see I suppose. 

Thanks for all the help and replies.

I do believe is a fishing tactic as well. Here is a bit more info from this girl. I have figured out that everytime she broke up with me or her ex, is because she had found a target that she liked.  She broke off the relationship for a week or two everytime to sleep with the guy and then comeback to me or her ex. That way she did not feel guilty about cheating. VERY TWISTED. she told me at some point into the relationship she had cheated on her ex during those break ups. I see a pattern here.  I don't know if that is a BPD thing or she is is just she is just a skank.

[goldylamont]

I still can't believe that I got that message last night. I am sure this is not the end of this texting ... maybe I am wrong, but we'll see I suppose. 

Thanks for all the help and replies.

I do believe is a fishing tactic as well. Here is a bit more info from this girl. I have figured out that everytime she broke up with me or her ex, is because she had found a target that she liked.  She broke off the relationship for a week or two everytime to sleep with the guy and then comeback to me or her ex. That way she did not feel guilty about cheating. VERY TWISTED. she told me at some point into the relationship she had cheated on her ex during those break ups. I see a pattern here.  I don't know if that is a BPD thing or she is is just she is just a skank.

as others have said--don't reply. you don't owe her anything, not even a 'nice' response. she probably does feel a little guilty, but so what. we already know that if you respond to this in any positive way that she will use it to her advantage only. at this point any contact from you good or bad only serves to feed her narcissistic needs.

and regarding breaking up for a few days for the sole purpose of sleeping with other people--this seems very common. it's good that you know this about her. what's unbelievable is that she actually admitted this to you. too many people spend time trying to figure out if their exes are aware of their behaviors when the acts themselves speak louder than words. pwBPD need to be attached to some object, so if they initiate a breakup i wouldn't believe for a second that they are taking any time to be alone and reflect. the nature of the disorder is that they have most likely found a new attachment to pursue and their current r/s is getting in the way.

[slimmiller]

Her contacting you was a means of her 'soothing' herself due to her own guilt and shame.

Its NOT about you or for your benefit. She is once again needing to occupy 'space in your head'. Just acknowledging her mere existance irregardless of how good or bad you may or may not respond has no bearing on it. If you were to call her and scream at her she would still somehow know that she has space in your head and it would on some level pacify her feelings of emptyness.

If you have no children with her (I have three with my exBPD) BLOCK her. Heal.

Even if you mean well and want to help her because she 'Seems' receptive and kind and it seems like you could help her for the sake of her own happiness, dont. It will drain you far more then you can ever help her.

Good luck. Sounds like you are doing pretty well

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

goldylamont -

I this that statement below summarizes everything about her behavior really.

"the nature of the disorder is that they have most likely found a new attachment to pursue and their current r/s is getting in the way."

I felt like I was in her way all the time because she wanted to go to the bar and get completly wasted. All I was to her was a roadblock to sleep around and do whatever she wanted. I see why they keep coming back, cus I believe they either get sick of their current target or they get dumped.

slimmiller - I bet you are right about her guilt and shame. The weird part is that she also told me that she felt so shamed and guilty for what she did to her ex and was going to apologize to him in a year or two. Here we are in the same situation with me. She is doing or did to me what exactly did to her ex... . Like some of the guys here said... . It is a vicious cycle. I do feel sorry for her. She will always have the turmoil, drama and agony in a relationship. That would be hell.  I was wanting kids with her, I just dodged hell on earth I think.

[slimmiller]

 I was wanting kids with her, I just dodged hell on earth I think.

Oh Lord Yes!


I have to deal with mine (EXBPD) another 10 years and about 14 days because of the kids.  That will be the day of celebration of epic proportions. Simply due to the fact I wont HAVE to deal with her anymore on parenting  

Be Well

[pari]

I had to go through several recycling phases due to same threat. Guess what happened after few weeks, he started sleeping with another girl.

It's a trap. BPD excel at creating these. They will pull you in to get the temporary feeling of security and comfort and then throw you out because the closeness now makes them insecure.

Ignore this email and prepare yourself to ignore other future contact.

[Infared]

"The weird part is that she also told me that she felt so shamed and guilty for what she did to her ex and was going to apologize to him in a year or two. Here we are in the same situation with me. She is doing or did to me what exactly did to her ex... . Like some of the guys here said... . It is a vicious cycle. I do feel sorry for her."

The only reason she told you she felt shamed an guilty about the way she treated her ex was so that she could play victim, so that you could comfort her and rescue her. She had no shame or guilt. She is running the same game on her next victims. One of the most troubling parts of the cycle is on our end. We meet them, we see how they treated their ex and we think that "we" will not be that guy... . and then of course we are. So hard to forgive ourselves for that.  We get played like a fiddle with no remorse or guilt. Mine clearly "got off" on hurting me.  Outright cruel.  I don't feel sorry for her, that is energy and emotion better spent on me. They are ruthless. The self-centeredness is mind-boggling... .

Spend all of you energy taking care of you.