Are you good at sharing as an adult?

[Sofie]

Growing up, I had no privacy - uBPD mom invaded my personal space constantly. She made me sleep next to her in bed until I was a teen, she went through all my stuff regularly, read my diary and confronted me with everything in it, listened in on phone calls, barged in when I was in the shower or on the toilet, questioned my friends about me... . basically, I wasn't allowed to keep anything from her.

As an adult, this is affecting me in a rather embarrassing way - I am really bad at sharing personal items and space with my partner. If, for instance, she borrows my Ipad to look something up or takes a sip from my coke at the movies or checks my phone for the time because it's lying right in front of her on the table, my skin crawls. I am really filled with abject loathing and panic although I know that - contrary to uBPD mom - she has no ill intent and does not mean to pry or invade.

We have been together for years, and she is very understanding of this issue of mine although it took some explaining back in the days for her to understand why I became frantic if she as much as touched my phone or asked to come in the bathroom while I was showering. As a result of my upbringing, I have a huge (and sometimes extreme) need for my personal space and items being respected - I would, however, really like to learn not to be so fiercely territorial, because with my partner I know that I have no need to be. Have any of you had similar issues and how are you dealing with them?

[lucyhoneychurch]

Sofie      

Ditto here with early invasions of bedroom, papers, bathroom, physical integrity (my mother would even insist on touching and hurting my face with pimples, my god, it was horrifying and painful, *needle* to dig it out, oh jesus I hadn't thought of that in ages)... .

As a 51 yr old mother of 3 adult kids now, divorced... . it left me with this very very real sense of I have to protect my space - that means everything in a certain place (grew up filthy packrat house), no stacks of anything, don't touch me (my kids so not in that I adored heaping into the couch with them all or each one, snuggles, hugs, their physical contact so healing)... . married a shutdown man... . he never made attempts to hug or embrace me... . yet we had 3 kids ... . more my doing than his not to get into that subject but... .

It's so hard to let the old guard down... . it's impossible at times for someone to visit me and go in my kitchen to set down a glass or cup from tea and not make me cringe with, that doesn't go there... .

OCD stuff to be sure.

On one hand I dream of having someone trustworthy back in my space... . and yet overriding these fears seems like it's not worth it at my age anymore.

I live in a rural area, there are no coffee shops to enjoy where you can visit in a safer zone than my home where I don't have to be so vigilant... . if that makes any sense... . I can drop my guard in a public place... .

The few girlfriends I have are very much like me... . childhood stuff we are all combatting at this late date, grown kids we don't want to parentize with our issues... . they have a right to their lives without juggling our stuff too.

neat freaks so to speak about housekeeping ... .

It is a funny topic of conversation yet we all realize it's got very sad roots.

Maybe with time you will soften and relinquish some of this control about your partner - you know she cares, you know she's in it for the long haul as are you... . I'm sorry it's there... .

We didn't sabotage ourselves... . programmed way way back when   :'(

Hard to lay down the "fight or flight" feelings when we are actually safe and sound.

There's a gorgeous Civil War (name of duo) youtube video by that name, "Safe and Sound," Taylor Swift vocals... . it's lovely... . "A Thousand Years" Christina Perri... . these are songs I relish as they are lullabies of care and concern and gentleness... . I play them and know that I just lucked out the wrong way never having anyone treat me like that in a parent role for me.

Yet in turn I did give my kids that type of hidey-hole safety and they have told me so over the years. I'm glad you have your partner to remind you that you are worth the love.

[Sofie]

Lucyhoneychurch,

Thank you for your kind words - I can really relate to so much of what you saying. I am a neat freak, too, wonder why... .

I hope that you, too, will find someone who can love and cherish you the way you are - I really don't think I am easy to live with, but my GF loves me as I am, so I am sure that there's hope for you, too. 

This invasion of privacy and how it has affected us... . it's so hard to deal with, I think. I have a particular memory in mind all the time recently which is so disturbing, and I have never told anyone, because I find it so embarrassing.

(Warning: The following part may trigger, so please don't read on if you're feeling sensitive)

I remember waking up in my mother's bed at the age of 7 or 8 smeared in blood - I quickly found out that it wasn't my own, but that it was my mother's menstrual blood (she always slept in a nightgown and no underwear  ) Just writing this almost makes me vomit... . it's as if I can't contain the memory physically. Then my mother woke up and upon watching my horrified face said, "What's the matter with you... . this is a completely natural thing!"

My God, why did we grow up around these people.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Good god... . as a mother... . the idea of inflicting any kind of "icky" physical thing like a menstrual flow on uninformed baby kids - gives me the absolute willies... .

There is an exhibitionist streak in these women, I swear, Sofie... . between leaving her blood-soaked pads (and when I was 6 and 7, Kotex as they were called then were huge awful pads the size of a canoe basically) on a dresser surface... . or bathing in one part of the house and parading through completely naked to get clothing as she "explained" yet we were screamed at for "looking... . " all these little mental urchins clueless except how yucky it made us feel... .

To this day, my one sister has huge huge issues with body image and nudity in media - I can't tolerate "body" comments like how someone looks soo much better since she lost weight etc as my mother always embraced the "chubbier" daughters and lectured about how much we'd gained, then if we were busier and maybe leaner... . "worried" about us... .

Her issues with her body trickled down into ours.

Shame and blame really are magnified even all these years later... .

Such inappropriate crossover actions of theirs - I equate it with flashers in their trenchcoats 

At least a flasher typically runs off... . our "flasher" would turn the event onto us, like we didn't handle it right, when we were just stunned shocky little kids... .

I don't know how your mother handled your cycle starting... . mine left the topic completely alone... . I thought I was dying of cancer... . and now I can't remember whatsoever how my sister might've dealt with it... .

Severe cramps were met with a sneer. I think the daily tension and severe abuse led to mine... . she blamed it on my extreme athletic endeavors -

Even after having children and getting caught in a somewhat hormonal imbalance bleeding/perimenopausal thing... . never had cramps like I did under her roof. Pain almost as bad as childbirth.

When my daughters started and were miserable... . the TLC of letting them crash on couch, tea, scones, pancakes, nothing if that's all they felt up to... . letting them know it was a pretty awful several days but totally empathizing.

One is very private about these matters, even after having her own baby girl... . she laughs about her younger sister's ability to "say anything" or ask q's... . I tell her they are different people, different personalities.  It's freeing to enable them in the right way.

Yes, I figure just like I was meant to have these awesome kids in my life... . maybe some really decent sort of man is out there and I will stumble across him loading mulch in my car at WalMart or Pet Smart for Lab kibble .

I'm sorry your mother shamed you about her own body's functions. I just don't get doing that. At all.

Thank you for sharing that. Maybe if we disseminate these memories enough over the years they will be externalized and exorcised... . the way dead leaves blow away and rot and then bring renewal to the earth 

[Sofie]

Thank you so much for your kind and understanding words - it really helps to have someone understand exactly what this is about.   How my mother handled my cycle beginning? Oh, my... . I was so unfortunate to have my first period during a large family gathering. I quickly ran to a bathroom at the guesthouse where we were at and tried to clean myself up, and then discretely asked my mother if she had any pads (BIIIIIIIIG mistake!) My mother responded by literally shouting, "Oh, Sofie got her period! She's all grown up and can have babies now!" to the entire room with the result of every head turning. As a shy girl entering pubacy, I could have dropped dead right there. After that time, she never asked about it.

The fact that your mother commented on your weight in that way really struck a chord with me.  I've always been of totally average weight - not to skinny, not to fat - but I swear that for some reason my mother has always wanted me to become over-weight. To this day, she is obsessed with telling me to put on some weight even though I am of completely normal weight for my height.

I have always had the feeling that she wanted me to be unattractive to men - I remember once when I was 14-15 years old, and she asked my father, "Sofie is looking good, isn't she? I bet that you would like to do her if you met her in the street." Needless to say, my father was totally mortified as was I. I really think that deep down in the dark corners of her mind she feared that my father and I would develop a sexual relationship once I matured. So, so sick.

And yeah, bless this place for giving us the space to exorcise our demons together.  

[twogrey]

I always thought my sharing issues were related to being an only child.  but maybe not.

[Sunnys Blues]

I don't know how your mother handled your cycle starting... . mine left the topic completely alone... . I thought I was dying of cancer... . and now I can't remember whatsoever how my sister might've dealt with it... .

Whew... . sometimes I wonder if others had the same experience as me.  My uBPD mother left it to the school to "explain" growing up. All my friends had their periods, and I tried to talk to my mother about when I would get mine. I wanted to go to the doctor. My mom shamed me for wanting to grow up too fast. When I did get my first period, I was playing baseball. It scared me, I had no real concept (does any young girl?) as to how much blood would appear!  When I told my mom, everything was quick, perfunctory, blah blah blah... . then I received a lecture about how "just because you are a woman now, you don't get to act like one."  Ugh.

I'm extremely private and guarded about my life. It's difficult to get over the emotional shame a BPD mother can throw down

[Gowest]

I don't like sharing.

At the same time I don't drink my boyfriend's drink (unless he offers) or use his phone/tablet/computer, and he does the same for me. I don't think of this as being fiercely territorial at all. Just normal territorial. Why would I even want to use his things when I have my own? Why would he want to use mine? Cause it's lying right there instead of getting up and walking all the way to the other side of the room? Yeah, when one of us has computer trouble we share, but otherwise... . go get your own. I always thought that was perfectly reasonable.

[January86]

Hi everyone 

I haven't written in a while but I was shocked to read these behaviours, it happened exactly the same with my Mum and it was supposed to be completely normal in my home, however these little things were the ones that affected me the most:

"There is an exhibitionist streak in these women, I swear, Sofie... . between leaving her blood-soaked pads (and when I was 6 and 7, Kotex as they were called then were huge awful pads the size of a canoe basically) on a dresser surface... . "

She always does it!Every single day. Disgusting... .

Physical integrity (my mother would even insist on touching and hurting my face with pimples, my god, it was horrifying and painful, *needle* to dig it out, oh jesus I hadn't thought of that in ages)... .



Once I locked myself in the bathroom crying and shouting to leave me alone when she wanted to dig it out (I was full of pimples when I was a teenager, and I remember her look at them, like digging it out was her right! ).She got in anyway, this is a dramatic memory for me, but for her it was "funny, and you are too sensitive" kind of thing.

Yes, I have problems with nudity, I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and still shy to shower with him and being naked in daylight, when he comes over to my place I need to control everything is in place just in case I have my agenda, mobile phone, personal notes around... . I feel like I might have written something that may get him angry. if I think it rationally I know there is nothing to hide, but the feeling is still there.

I am moving in with him in September and I am already worried about space. Also I need lots of time to organise my thoughts, mindful practice, agenda setting... . (I have Obsessive–compulsive personality disorder (OCPD)). So I have problems sharing space, things and worst of all, "mind space", does it make sense?

[zubizou87]

Yes I remember this and I couldn't wait to leave and live my own life, I have a little sister living at home and I think she's going through the same thing. She is infantized and when I stay with my family the guest bedroom has been absolutely stuffed to the ceiling with things so I always end up sleeping in my sister's bed.

It's going to be a challenge because when she comes and stays with my at my new apartment I'm going to have to tell her that she's too old to do that anymore since she's almost 13 and my boyfriend and I will be sharing a bed. I think it will be healthy for her because she needs to learn to enjoy her own privacy and independence but I'm sure my request will be met with some disagreements.

[Finding Courage]

I have similar problems with sharing and sometimes thinking of others.  In terms of sharing, I never had privacy either or control so now I have a high need for both.  It is also triggering for me to be in a situation where I am expected to be giving, because in the past that meant my mom taking until there was nothing left. 

Hugs to all of you.  I can totally relate to this thread.

[timegrl]

I'm pretty new to this board, and reading your post made me shiver.

I can't type if someone is standing anywhere near where they could read over my shoulder--even if I'm just writing a perfectly innocuous business email. And just yesterday my wife picked up my phone to look something up, and I had to take deep breaths until she put it down. After all this time. And she doesn't invade my privacy.

Nothing felt like it was mine when I was growing up. I kept a diary for a little while when I was quite young, and when I became aware that my mother was reading it and using it, I stopped writing anything down.

For me, dealing with it has been constantly reminding myself that I trust my wife, and letting her do things like use my computer or get something out of my bag or whatever. I'm hoping to recondition myself. And it's still a struggle.

I never realized what might have been the cause of this quirk of mine. Thanks for writing.