Need advice, I think I screwed up.

[Ceruleanblue]

My husband is undiagnosed, but I've come to believe he is BPD. I've taken so much lately, and he is escalating. I've been just avoiding him, so he doesn't get mad, and he gets really mad at me daily, over things that make no sense.

He has always threatened divorce, but also has asked several times about "taking a break". Now, we agreed before getting married that we would not do "breaks", because he'd told me that he and his ex spent 24 years of doing "breaks". To me, that is not healthy, and not what marriage is.

Now, while I still feel "breaks" are not good, I really feel like I need to get away from his anger. I really, really want our marriage to work, and I'm learning as fast as I can from this site, the things I can do, but I feel he needs to get help. This has obviously been an ongoing issue with him, his anger, his dysregulation, and the blame and threats.

I want so badly for this to work, and though if I give him a break, he might to motivated to seek help. After reading things on here though, it seems that may be a bad move? I've tried enduring, I've tried changing me to not set him off, I've tried boundaries, nothing has worked.

When I asked him about the "break" he said he'd "think it over" and earlier today he sort of implied he didn't want to, but he then went into rage/blame mode. He had therapy today, which he's been in for three years, and he was no closer to getting help or knowing what he wanted to do. I feel he keeps me on edge with his threats, and keeps me scared, and then he can be as mean and hurtful as he wants.

I feel weak too for needing a break. I don't truly want a break, but I've been avoiding him anyway, just so he doesn't rage. Any advice appreciated, I feel really lost.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Narellan]

I'm really sorry to read your story ceruleanblue. I hear how difficult things are for you., and you are doing all you can to help your relationship. It's not a bad thing to take a break and recharge your batteries. If you need this, take it. Even just a night away from this could give you a different perspective. Do you have a girlfriend you could go and visit for a weekend off?

Sometimes just a night or two feels like a holiday when you're under so much stress.

How stable is your husband though ATM? I wouldn't be comfortable doing this if its likely he will feel abandoned and run to the nearest comfort object he can find. There's a few things to consider here, and given you are commited to staying in the relationship you really don't want to worsen things.

It's great you two can talk about it openly.

Make sure you clarify that " a break" does not mean you are separating. This could really trigger him.

Lots of things to weigh up. I wish you well and hope you find peace whatever you decide.

[Ceruleanblue]

It doesn't seem to faze him that I'm finally giving in for his need for a "break". It bothers me immensely, not due to fear of abandonment, but because I wasn't raised this way, and think "breaks" really lead to a "breakdown" of relationships. My parents have been married 60 years, no "breaks" needed, they just communicated and treated each other kindly.

I'm afraid that he will decide that divorcing is easier, because his commitment never seems as strong as mine, yet HE is the one who verbally abuses me, and clearly needs help with his rages, and blame. His thinking is "skewed", but telling him that sets him off.

I don't want to make anything worse, but I'm wondering how it could get worse. I'm totally at his mercy right now. I've given in to his most recent demand: ":)on't ever speak of my kids again"... . yet he didn't even notice, and he started talking about them more. Nothing I've ever worked on or improved has been noticed, because HE is the one with the anger and I'm thinking huge self doubt. This is HIS issue, not mine, even if he projects it onto me. I'm done taking anything he says personally. He will do this to anyone he is with. It's just what he does.

I want to leave for now, but if it makes it worse, I'm not sure how I'll deal with that.

[Narellan]

"How could it get worse ?"

This could trigger the end of your relationship. Are you prepared for that? He could split you black, make you the bad guy abandoning the relationship. He could self soothe by having sex with someone else. He could take his anger out on the kids.

This would be the worst case scenario. Do you think any of this rings true?

I know you are committed to this relationship and want it to work. So this is how it could get worse for you.

It could get better however. You could take a break and give yourself some time to heal a bit and refocus your thoughts. Having a break is not a bad thing, just be aware that with BPD and abandonment issues, it could very well trigger him.

I was raised the same as you. I did not take a break from my 22 year marriage and in the end I had nothing to give. Eventually I told him I wanted out. He suggested a break. It was too late. He said " I know you're the one that fills my bucket, and I know I've emptied yours. can't you just have some time out to refill your bucket?"

It was so sad. I replied "what would be the point? You would just empty it again"

We had been to marriage counselling. Nothing changed. He was in therapy. Nothing changed. I stayed 10 years or more in limbo not being able to decide what to do.

I really feel for you. For me, by the time I felt I needed a break, the marriage was already over in my eyes.

I wish you peace of mind. We are here for you 

[Ceruleanblue]

This sounds so similar. My husband has been in "therapy" for three years, and he's actually gotten worse, not better. He just had to go get a physical, and he allowed me to come and talk about his rage issues, and got prescribed something. His doctor said it is likely a mental health issue. I'd love for him to see a Psychiatrist. I'm going to one, to get my medication regulated. My anxiety and OCD has really escalated due to all this. I am essentially the "caretaker" and the buffer against all his anger. He blames me for everything, and gets angry over the most nonsensical things, and he OVERREACTS with anger, which for me, is the worst.

I want this to work, but yeah, I feel like he is emptying my reserves. I'm used to giving so much emotionally and getting zero back from him, but the anger is horrid.

You could be right about him, just writing me off, because I feel like he already has me painted "black". He says not, but his actions, show otherwise. I don't want to end this, not because I'm so in love, but because I'm not a quitter, and I think he has the potential to get better, if HE chooses to. He has many good qualities, and we have good times too, it's just they are so overshadowed by his negative and acting out behaviors.

[Narellan]

My exh cried every day we were married. ( maybe not but it felt that way) eventually I took him to the dr. He was prescribed an anti depressant which sent him manic. In 24 hours he bought a house, car, and cases if wine and a myriad of other things. All behind my back.

His meds were then regulated and he was a bit better for the next few years. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. ( he is not the reason I'm here at this site, that's a whole other heartbreaking story)

My exh had huge anger issues. He would just explode. Verbal abuse every day. He would at times be physical with the kids, but not with me until after I left him.

Exactly 2 years in now, and we get along quite well. He has re partnered and he comes to my house occasionally to do odd jobs. He sees the boys frequently. I consider him a friend now.

But I couldn't stay married to him.

Just last night my 14 yo who is hormonal and was in a bad mood, told me to "F off"

I told him I wanted an apology. Never got one.

This morning when all was calm I explained that I would not tolerate that verbal abuse in my house . That I had left dad because I won't tolerate it. That I want a home that radiates peace and happiness. That I made the hardest decision by leaving dad, to show the boys what life should be like. That I sacrificed a lot to give them a peaceful home. That it's unacceptable to speak to anyone like that in anger. They are my rules.

The other day while out driving I "acted" out and loudly abused a driver in front of me, I yelled in the car. Told them to get the F off the road. My boys anxiety rise. I talked to them about it. I said how did you feel just then when I did that? I said that feeling in the pit of your stomach is what I had in my stomach every day I was married. I talked about the effect on other people when you don't/ can't control your anger. I want my boys to learn this is unacceptable behaviour. I will drill it home any chance I get, because I don't want them treating their spouses the way they saw me be treated by their dad. Kids live what they learn.

And so do we.

Ask yourself if you want this for your life. 

[Boss302]

He has always threatened divorce, but also has asked several times about "taking a break". Now, we agreed before getting married that we would not do "breaks", because he'd told me that he and his ex spent 24 years of doing "breaks".

And what fool would EVER want to take breaks from a person with BPD?

(Hope the attempt at flip humor doesn't offend you... . I've actually found that making light of the situation has helped me through a LOT of very rough spots during my marriage to my BPDx, and especially through the divorce. I figure you either laugh or hide the sharp objects.)

Seriously, maybe a break is a good idea so you can regroup, and assess the situation rationally. And while you're on break, get with a therapist and sort some of this out. Take a little time to take care of YOURSELF emotionally. You're worth the investment.

[Boss302]

My exh cried every day we were married. ( maybe not but it felt that way) eventually I took him to the dr. He was prescribed an anti depressant which sent him manic. In 24 hours he bought a house, car, and cases if wine and a myriad of other things. All behind my back.

His meds were then regulated and he was a bit better for the next few years. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

I am AMAZED how similar some of these stories are. My BPDx was given Paxil by her internist for anxiety, and she went up like a Roman candle - disappearing from the house for hours at a time, buying stuff, making crazy (and fraudulent) business deals. It got so bad I had to basically stuff her in the car and take her to a psychiatrist, and on the freeway she tried to get out of car - doing 60 mph. They diagnosed her bipolar too, but she really wasn't - the meds just dulled her emotional turbulence, but the basic BPD traits were still very much there.

People can go WAY off the rails on antidepressants. Rumor has it that the two kids who shot up Columbine in 1999 had a bad reaction to Prozac.

Just amazing how similar all these stories are... . and I'm so glad to know I wasn't alone!

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I decided to stay, just because I didn't want to send the message that we'd be taking "breaks" our entire marriage. He and his ex did that, and to me, that is not cool. I may need a break, but I'm not sure how he will take it, so I stayed.

I'm wondering if at this point, he is purposely pushing me away? He seems to cycle. Is that a BPD trait? He'll draw me in, be nice for a couple days, then push me away and act frustrated by me, and basically treat me like he hates me.

So I'm just avoiding him. Not the best plan maybe, but as it seems I "set him off", it's all I can think of to do. And I'm tired of the anger, and blame.

I'm done with taking this personally, and I'm done killing myself making changes to me that he doesn't appreciate(he uses threats to get me to "change", and I'm done being his puppet. He can get mad, be verbally abusive, but I'm going to do my best to be calm and use some of the ideas I've read here.

I can't fix him, but maybe I can learn a few things that don't throw fuel on his fire. This is still HIS issue, but because he is in such denial(he will sometimes acknowledge his anger though), if I want to stay, I guess I have to do things that will make my life easier. At this point, today, it's pure avoidance. And for today, that is okay.

[Narellan]

It's the most classic BPD trait. They cycle through push/ pull cycles. They can vary as far as time and duration between cycles. You'll find more info on it in our resources section. I encourage you to read through the info there, you can find links at the top of each board. These resources will give you tools to cope with his cycling behaviour and may answer your questions.