A Moment of Indiscretion, Regret, and New Knowledge

[thinkingthinking]

Saw my exBPDh over the last weekend for a family member's birthday party.  In a moment of (private) weakness/indiscretion, I ended up sleeping with him, and opened so many damaging emotions.  We were married 22 years, have been divorced 9 months.  Obviously there are still feelings there, but what attracted me the most in that moment was that he seemed to be doing well.  Like NOT needy. However... . I'm sure this is because he has been dating someone else.

My first thought/question:  Why am I attracted to him now after this huge struggle to break free? The only answer I can come up with is that he is so much more secure when he is with someone. In this case, he is not draining me of all the energy I have, but is just there as the charming person he can be.

In a matter of a day, he told the person he was dating that he thought we needed to work on things and changed his plans to move in with her. And for about a day, I thought maybe I had made a mistake and should try again as well.  But then those creeping feelings came up. He started complaining about having to work extra, about how much he was paying for various things, started talking about what he needed to do to get his OWI resolved, etc.  He went out with his friends one night drinking, and it brought back memories of really bad nights. So yesterday my thought was "this is bad, I do not want any part of this again."

BUT THEN last night he called and said he still really had feelings for this new woman, and that he felt like it was only fair to give that relationship a chance and just try to be friends with me.  Despite all of the red flags   in that couple-day time period, I am somehow crushed and not sure what I'm doing. 

Evidently my "need to be needed" is too strong, and I'm too insecure to see him with another person.  My regret is overwhelming as I feel like I just took 10 steps back.  I obviously have a lot of work left to do for myself.

[heartandwhole]

Hi thinkingthinking,

I relate a lot to your post – been there – and it really hurts.  It's very natural to feel confused and overwhelmed right now.  You will get through this, though, one step at a time. 

We want so badly to believe the words, but the actions are much more telling about where things are headed.  Your ex is waffling between the two of you because when he feels too close to one, he tries to cope with that by going toward the other – it's a way to manage his fears of abandonment and engulfment.

You were together a long time and it takes time to let go (both of you) and change patterns.

What are your fears about being done, thinkingthinking?

[seeking balance]

22 years is a long time to be married - you are not the first nor the last to sleep with an ex.

That said, looking at your own personal values - are you ok being the other woman?  Does it align with who you see yourself to be?  Aligning actions with values while we sort out our emotions can keep us from spiraling downward into a new level of drama.

Questions:

Is it possible you were nostalgic from the family meeting or were you lonely or was there alcohol involved?  Looking at the cause can help you navigate how to handle those emotions next time.

Be kind to you - no sense beating yourself up, simply be aware of what you are feeling and why is all.

Peace,

SB

[thinkingthinking]

What are my fears about being done?  Oh my goodness... . I guess because I was married at 19, I really do not know how to NOT be together.  Almost like I finished growing up in this really dysfunctional relationship without ever really figuring out who I am/what I want.  It took a long time for me to figure out how dysfunctional it was, and then the "goal" of getting out took up a lot of energy, and now I'm left with this calm that I don't know what to do with.

SB-

I am definitely not okay with being the other woman, which is why it was all so out of character for me.  No alcohol.  But I do think that the new sense of calm has brought loneliness right along with it, and that combined with the feeling of "my family all together" played a large part.

Sometimes I say that "I wish we could just be friends", but I don't know that is even truthful.  I wish things turned out different.  I wish that I could have no contact. But I don't know that we can ever be friends with the amount of emotional charge that is always there.

[DontPanic]

Don't know about what your relationship was before you broke up with your ex... but mine was very chaotic... My therapist mentioned that after being in the chaos for such a long time, I was somewhat hooked on it and needed to figure out strategy's to detach myself from the chaos my ex brought to the equation. this has affected  me in my relationships with other women in that, I seem to be a magnet for the dysfunctional relationships and the healthy ones don't seem to spark my interest (some would call it a lack of chemistry... ).

So the relationship I am in right now, is not exciting as the ones I've been in, but I truly like the person and am giving the relationship and me some time to see if things fit.

This is a far cry from the relationships I've been in with BPD people that are intense and fast moving.

So, give yourself some time, exercise helps, avoid alcohol and other substances and give yourself some time. Also, if you can try to maintain NC, it really is far healthier.

Cheers

DP

[seeking balance]

.  But I do think that the new sense of calm has brought loneliness right along with it,

This is really honest.  I had to learn how to navigate my loneliness too - sometimes less graceful than others.  Being mindful of intentions helps, but learning to be ok alone really does take a bit of time.  It is going to be challenging since your entire adult life you were married - be ok with it taking some time is my 2 cents.

[refusetosuccumb]

I did that last yr, the first time I broke free. Ended up giving it another year of hell. Nothing changed.

But for me I had to have that shake up to move on. My ex is damn sexy. But its no longer healthy for me. I look forward to a future r/s with someone as boring as me .

Its ok. Lesson learned. Thats all you can do is take away a lesson.

[thinkingthinking]

Don't know about what your relationship was before you broke up with your ex... but mine was very chaotic... My therapist mentioned that after being in the chaos for such a long time, I was somewhat hooked on it and needed to figure out strategy's to detach myself from the chaos my ex brought to the equation. this has affected  me in my relationships with other women in that, I seem to be a magnet for the dysfunctional relationships and the healthy ones don't seem to spark my interest (some would call it a lack of chemistry... ).

Exactly!  Like someone who is really nice and good to me feels off because I'm so used to the chaos. So used to changing my plans to accomodate the mood of the day.

My ex is damn sexy. But its no longer healthy for me. I look forward to a future r/s with someone as boring as me .

Agree again.  I think I need to find someone willing to stroll museums and read in coffee shops with me. But maybe not quite yet... .

my therapist said to at least give myself ~1 month for every year of the relationship... . 2 years?  We'll see 

[Boss302]

This happens with a LOT of people who are recently divorced. Let's fact it - if you've been divorced for nine months, and have been through the long, nasty "unhappy marriage" precursor to a divorce and the whole divorce process, it's "been a while," if you catch my meaning. All this makes some sense. So don't be too hard on yourself. You're only human.

But don't let your ex use this as an excuse to move back into your life. BPDs are insidious that way. Have you thought about emailing him and making it clear to him that this was a one time thing on your part?

Do you have a therapist, and if so, what is he/she saying?

[Boss302]

But for me I had to have that shake up to move on. My ex is damn sexy.

Let's face it - if you were married to someone for a long time, there was some attraction there to an ex. This is someone who knows you very well in the bedroom. And divorces take a year or two on average, so most likely no one's "getting any."

It makes sense that this happens fairly often, particularly with BPDs, who can be VERY persuasive and VERY sexual when they want to be.

My marriage was emotionally and sexually dead for years before I left my ex, so it was easy for me not to re-involve myself with her. I'd rather have hooked up with a cinderblock.

[LoveLove]

Thank you for sharing your story here... . and I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I just found this site yesterday and I have to say it has been very insightful. It's not easy going through this because their love is so INTENSE at first. It makes you feel truly amazing!

Yet, I have a question for whomever wants to reply... . because they already feel a sense of abandonment and they feel the person they're with will eventually leave anyway (so they leave first when they get too close)... . if they return, and you refuse to sleep with them (if it gets to that point), would they then feel even MORE rejected/abandoned?

What is the best way to handle a situation like that? Especially when validation is so important in dealing with them?

[LoveLove]

And I will add that in my case, my BPD bf is currently in therapy, so I'm assuming he is even more "sensitive" right now.

[thinkingthinking]

Yet, I have a question for whomever wants to reply... . because they already feel a sense of abandonment and they feel the person they're with will eventually leave anyway (so they leave first when they get too close)... . if they return, and you refuse to sleep with them (if it gets to that point), would they then feel even MORE rejected/abandoned?

My exBPDh and I separated twice before I filed for divorce, and both times he was in therapy.  But I just could never see that he was really changing, and he still used sex as a coping mechanism.  This turned me off, and every time I said I wasn't in the mood, he would literally pout (which pushed me away further).   So, in my experience, yes they feel more rejected.  Especially since they feel like their attempts at therapy should somehow get them something.  I've "decided" that the only way a relationship would work is if each of you is in therapy individually, and then in couples counseling as well.  That takes a lot of committment on everyone's part.

[LoveLove]

ThinkingThinking,

So it's best not to "give in" - because you said it perfectly - they feel entitled almost just because they're in therapy and doing something good. Like a child who thinks "I'm on my best behavior, so I deserve a star."

Makes sense... . although in my case, we are not to have any contact for 12 weeks (his treatment time). Yet, I don't even know if he has BPD - I am only guessing it may be pointing to it based upon the stories I have read and a few similarities... . so I guess I'll see since we have not talked for 3 weeks now (and he has 8 more weeks of therapy to go).

And you're saying you didn't even see any changes... . how unfortunate.

[thinkingthinking]

Have to add the "new knowledge" to this little part of my journey (or maybe it is "repeat knowledge" )

My exBPDh returned to his true form pretty quickly, reminding me of exactly why I filed for divorce.  He called to tell me about how strong he felt about his girlfriend of 2 months, and that he would really like me to meet her because he was sure I would like her.  Seriously?  I don't think so.  Then, when I told him that he really needed to be responsible for providing his share of transportation for our daughter, he became irate and told me that if I wasn't willing to provide all of the transportation while his license was suspended (from OWI), I "could feel responsible for keeping her away from a dad that wants to see her".  He then suggested that his new girlfriend would be willing to come pick her up, that I was being too overprotective in suggesting that our D12 may not be comfortable with this yet, and blamed me some more for the divorce, etc.

He has not changed, he is simply feeling temporarily confident as he has a new girlfriend to listen to his sob stories. And when things get difficult, he is still ready to blame all of his problems on someone else.

So... . I am going to forgive myself for the indiscretion, and chalk this up to the process of detaching/grieving.  Perhaps this was meant to happen just to give me another sense of closure.

[refusetosuccumb]

Congratulations.  I know this isn't what you wanted exactly but it's what you needed exactly.

Perhaps this was meant to happen just to give me another sense of closure.    This is precisely what I told myself this time around.  We do have free will, as do our exs.  I used to think this stuff was beyond my control.  But it's not.  I finally AM in control of what I do and it feels wonderful.  Even when it feels wonderful, it still hurts at moments.  But it's all a journey, right?  My journey.  Your journey.

Thank you for posting about this, it helped me tremendously to see this and self reflect.  I have forgiven myself and so have you.  Powerful.

[thinkingthinking]

Just have to add to this one more time for anyone out there that may be thinking of going back for "one more chance"... .

My exBPDh and I have had to spend more time together as our oldest daughter and her son moved in with him recently.  We are trying to share childcare responsibility when she works.  In light of this and the fact that we have two other children, we decided we would try to go to counseling together and work on coparenting/see where things go.  We committed to not dating anyone else during this time.

Yesterday at work, I received an anonymous phone call stating that my ex was at the bar the night before and sleeping with this caller's friend overnight.  When I confronted my ex and he confirmed it was true, he went on to say that he hadn't meant to hurt me and that he had a "hard night at work" and didn't mean for it to happen.  He went on even further to say that he was "sort of trapped" by this woman.  This left me so HUMILIATED, and really made me see this as my own addiction.  I will always love him in some way.  He can be charming, kind, and generous, and I get pulled back in by this. But he cannot be even close to stable. His emotions rule his world, and he has not made a real commitment to work on this, including the drinking.  I have to love myself enough to break my own addiction.