Does your pwBPD behave remarkably different with a particular family member?

[Cat21]

My uBPDh has an older sister who wields a lot of power and influence in his family. When my husband and his sister were growing up, she was often left in charge of him and adopted a role as more of a mother figure than a sister (she is only 4 years older than him; not 10.) From what I have been told by my MIL and FIL, she did all on her own, not because they ever asked her to. So, from early childhood, my husband (again, uBPD) has been under the "rule" of his older sister- what she says goes; what she thinks is the truth; and any activity involving her is automatically added to our calendar, whether it's been discussed with me or not. As you can imagine, this an issue for me, as she has always been competitive with me for my husband's loyalty. She's never been outwardly rude to me, as appearance is of the utmost importance to her, but she's spoken about me behind my back numerous times and although we have a civil, even seemingly friendly relationship, I know that she really couldn't care less about me. Learning more about BPD, I wonder if she also suffers from this disorder... .

At any rate, I've always thought it was strange that my husband responds differently to her than to me, in terms of what I now know to be dysregulation and splitting. With me, he rarely apologizes for his actions, words, or behavior and constantly sees things in black or white. With his sister, he almost always apologizes, agrees with her points of views, and complies with her requests- and quickly. Many times, I have witnessed arguments between the two of them (they fight the same way, hurling terrible insults at one another) and most of the arguments conclude with my husband admitting his wrongdoings and asking for forgiveness. In his defense, he is usually NOT the one who has done anything wrong! It is bizarre to me and feels like a total role reversal.

Has anyone else experienced this? And how do you deal with it? He is very close with his sister, so discussing their relationship almost always ends up in some sort of argument. I know she resents me because I "stole" her brother, but also because I am a secure, confident person who isn't easily manipulated by her.

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[an0ught]

Hi Cat21,

what you observe is quite normal. In more extreme cases there is rage inside and totally polite behavior outside the relationship. It is totally maddening as it makes it so hard to explain what we experience.

There are probably plenty of reasons (my guess: he has no instinctive sense he can control his sister but he senses he can control you) and there is a simple fix: Boundaries which ensure we get the respect we deserve. It is not at all easy however to establish boundaries where they have eroded over time and it will take a while for you to get there where his sister is. But it is entirely possible. You'll find workshop pointers in the LESSONS and I recommend using the board to work through the conflicts that often come with boundaries - any support you can get is valuable - a T on your side can help here too.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, my uBPDh is totally different with my daughter and his own kids. He is nice to them, and they can do not wrong. He has split me black, however.

And like the poster above me stated, my husband is one of those cases where he is mostly pleasant outside our relationship, and awful towards me, so it is hard for others to understand. My Mom has witnessed it, and he has had issues with past bosses, but most people think he is wonderful. Because they is all they get to see.

I'm glad to hear there is help, and I'll keep reading. It's so hard to set boundaries when all you get is threats and ultimatums. My husband uses threats of ending our marriage to get me to do whatever he wants. He just did this again tonight, and he also seems to be pushing me away more frequently. Maybe because he let me address his "issue" with his family doctor and he was told this "issue"(his rage, anger, and verbal and physical abuse) was likely a mental health issue and he was prescribed something, that doesn't seem to be helping. He'd rather make it ME that is to blame, rather than accept any responsibility, or get any help. He's been in CBT for three years, and he has gotten worse. Even his family doctor said "that is obviously not giving you the results you need". I'd LOVE for him to get into DBT, but I don't see that happening soon.

[Blimblam]

Interesting topic

The pwBPD I know has split her dad black and lies and treats him Teribly at best she bs's  him with a fake sweet tone but she never listens to him. With her mom she gives her all the benefit of the doubt and let's her walk all over her. And with one of her sisters she seems almos incestuous. She will as a prank finger her butthole through her clothes. And with one of her cousins male she seems to triangulate with him and I sense sexual energy she will also dresss provacatively around him.

This behavior disgusted me and I picked up on it the same time I found out she had been cheating and I was a about a month into the devaluing stage