BPD doesnt want to leave my apartment

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I invited my BP girlfriend to stay at my place after a few weeks of dating because she had lost her job and had a lot of financial problems.   I didn't know at this time that she was BPD and I was just trying to be nice with her.  Now I am a victim of my own kindness, because we "broke up" and I asked her to find an apartment of her own, but she doesn't want to leave my apartment.   She is staying in bed all day drinking alcohol and make a mess in my place.  She has no money or she spends the little money she has on beer and none of her friends want to take her home.  I am desperate and I don't know what to do.   I tried the detachment tips, like being vague, less emotionally present, no sex, etc., but she doesn't care.  She says she loves me and she doesn't want to leave.   I tried to call the police and they said they cannot do anything since there is no physical violence... . What about the mental abuse I am living everyday?   I am torn because I don't want to throw her stuff in front of the building, she has no money, no job and no friend to help her.   I know it should not be my problem, but at the same time I feel awful to get rid of someone in so much trouble... . Like a lot of us, I fear suicide, even though I know I would not be the cause, but maybe the trigger... .

[MustangMan]

I invited my BP girlfriend to stay at my place after a few weeks of dating because she had lost her job and had a lot of financial problems.   I didn't know at this time that she was BPD and I was just trying to be nice with her.  Now I am a victim of my own kindness, because we "broke up" and I asked her to find an apartment of her own, but she doesn't want to leave my apartment.   She is staying in bed all day drinking alcohol and make a mess in my place.  She has no money or she spends the little money she has on beer and none of her friends want to take her home.  I am desperate and I don't know what to do.   I tried the detachment tips, like being vague, less emotionally present, no sex, etc., but she doesn't care.  She says she loves me and she doesn't want to leave.   I tried to call the police and they said they cannot do anything since there is no physical violence... . What about the mental abuse I am living everyday?   I am torn because I don't want to throw her stuff in front of the building, she has no money, no job and no friend to help her.   I know it should not be my problem, but at the same time I feel awful to get rid of someone in so much trouble... . Like a lot of us, I fear suicide, even though I know I would not be the cause, but maybe the trigger... .

[razemarie]

Is this person on lease?  If they aren't, you can call the police and have them removed from the property.  If they are on the lease and refuse to leave, things are much harder.  I can relate to your story.  My ex (BPD) moved into my townhome with me when he lost his job.  I eventually added him to the lease when he was back working and able to contribute to the rent.  When we broke up I asked him to leave.  He refused and made life with him unbearable.  Things were very ugly for several months.  Eventually I had to cut my loses and move in with family.  He couldn't afford the townhome on his own and quit paying the bills.  Unfortunately all of the utilities and everything were still in my name.  Everything went into collections and my credit took a major beating.  This happened three years ago.  And although it was horrible to go through at the time and I'm still paying for it, it was worth the price of getting out of the relationship.  My heart goes out to you.

[MustangMan]

She is not on the lease, but it does not matter to the authorities.   They said I let her move in voluntarily and she made all her address changes.  The police told me if my address appear on her driving license, they can not intervene, unless there is a complaint for domestic physical violence.  I have to read more on the Detachment Phase, it looks like I am alone with this... .

[razemarie]

I am not sure what the laws are in your state.  Where I live if the person is not on the lease and refuses to leave after you end the relationship, then the police will remove them from the property.  You always have the option to change the locks and leave her stuff where she can pick it up.  As hard as it is, you have to do what is best for you.  You are not responsible for her actions.  I know it's hard when you feel responsible for that person and care about their well-being.  The threat of suicide is very hard to ignore as well.  My ex has threatened suicide many times and in the past it kept me locked into the relationship and kept me from leaving.  Once I was able to learn how to effectively handle those threats and put myself first, I was able to break free.  I wish you the best of luck.

[woodsposse]

 

This is my advice (not legal advice).  In most states if you invite someone to come stay in your home... . whether they are on the lease or not - it is considered their home as well.  So to get them to leave, you have to evict them.

There are legal remedies for this... . so, depending on which state you live in, just google it and/or consult an attorney and go that route.

As for keeping yourself safe... . well, keep yourself safe.  Stay away from her and if she gets abusive, don't engage.  If she gets physical, call the cops.  And if they continue not to do anything... . call them again, and again and again.

There is a way out - but, unfortuneatly - you have to go through it, not around it.

[Waddams]

MustangMan - the police can't force her to leave because of landlord/tenant law.  She's what you call your "tenant at will" at the moment.  That makes you her landlord.  You do have recourse.  As your tenant, you can evict her.  You have to follow the standard eviction process, like any other landlord.  Go to court, file the eviction paperwork, have her served.  Then go to court, have a judge authorize the eviction.  Then obtain a Writ of Dispossessory (or whatever they call it in your locality).  Take the Writ to sheriff's.  Writ is the court's order that she be removed from your home, and that the local sheriff perform the removal.

There might be variations in the process from what I described above, it will depend on your jurisdiction's procedures, but it will generally involve filing the eviction, getting it approved, and getting an order from a judge that local authorities perform removing her from your home.  There are even landlord/tenant law specializing attorneys that can help you if you need it.

[woodsposse]

MustangMan - the police can't force her to leave because of landlord/tenant law.  She's what you call your "tenant at will" at the moment.  That makes you her landlord.  You do have recourse.  As your tenant, you can evict her.  You have to follow the standard eviction process, like any other landlord.  Go to court, file the eviction paperwork, have her served.  Then go to court, have a judge authorize the eviction.  Then obtain a Writ of Dispossessory (or whatever they call it in your locality).  Take the Writ to sheriff's.  Writ is the court's order that she be removed from your home, and that the local sheriff perform the removal.

There might be variations in the process from what I described above, it will depend on your jurisdiction's procedures, but it will generally involve filing the eviction, getting it approved, and getting an order from a judge that local authorities perform removing her from your home.  There are even landlord/tenant law specializing attorneys that can help you if you need it.

I totally concur.

Not BPD related but my girlfriend (at the time) lived with her mother and brother in their moms house  (long story).  One day the brother brings home a friend who was down on his luck and need a place to crash... . which then turned into him moving in - and then not doing anything he said he would do (like get a job, clean up, bathe).

The mom fretted about what to do.  I was all like "uhm... . it's your house, tell him to go packing!"  But she didn't want to do that.  So I (in my natural savior mode), looked up the applicable local laws for her and gave her the entire 411.  I even chatted with some lawyers about it for them (on-line lawyers... . and free!)

Anyway, yes, those are pretty much the legal steps and why the cops can't force her to move.  Now if she physically assaults you ... . totally different story.

[Boss302]

She is not on the lease, but it does not matter to the authorities.   They said I let her move in voluntarily and she made all her address changes.  The police told me if my address appear on her driving license, they can not intervene, unless there is a complaint for domestic physical violence.  I have to read more on the Detachment Phase, it looks like I am alone with this... .

Just a thought... . how close are you to being done with the lease? Can you break it? If you're close to being done, you can simply move, and there's nothing she can do about it (aside from raging). Leave and tell her she's on her own. Would this work?

[Boss302]

duplicate post, sorry... .

[MustangMan]

BTW I like your nick Boss302 

I have just renewed my lease, cause I didn't think at the time that she would be stay.   As for the legal rescourse, I am kinda desillusioned with the system.   I will take a lot of time, energy and money, all of which I don't have for the moment... .    I am struggling to keep my job and not fall into depression with this new DBP episode in my life.  As I said in my presentation post, it is my second consecutive r/s with a BP, how lucky I am... .   It is also too hard for me to throw her in the street since she has nothing... . You know I still have respect for her despite all the terrible thing she has done to me.  BP are not monsters, they are sick people.  Would you call someone who has cancer a monster and throw him on the street? 

[Boss302]

BTW I like your nick Boss302  

I have just renewed my lease, cause I didn't think at the time that she would be stay.   As for the legal rescourse, I am kinda desillusioned with the system.   I will take a lot of time, energy and money, all of which I don't have for the moment... .   I am struggling to keep my job and not fall into depression with this new DBP episode in my life.  As I said in my presentation post, it is my second consecutive r/s with a BP, how lucky I am... .  It is also too hard for me to throw her in the street since she has nothing... . You know I still have respect for her despite all the terrible thing she has done to me.  BP are not monsters, they are sick people.  Would you call someone who has cancer a monster and throw him on the street?  

Us Mustang fans have to stick together, I guess!  

My BPDx also played the "I have nothing and you can't throw poor pitiful me out" game with landlords. She has been evicted three times form three different places in less than three years. The last two times she actually fabricated employment information for her landlords, didn't pay, and then tried the "poor pitiful sick single mom" act on the unfortunate landlords. It worked with the second one for a while but she ended up kicked out anyway. In both cases she ended up leaving the places utterly trashed, with thousands of dollars worth of damage. As part of our ongoing court issues I subpoenaed all the communications between her and her landlords, and it's all nothing but FOG, just directed at the landlords. She was also nice enough to lie and say the problem was that I wasn't paying my alimony (news to me), and said the kids would end up on the street if she were evicted (in fact, they live with me pretty much full time, and visit her on weekends, so they were perfectly fine after her evictions). In January, she moved in "temporarily" with a religious Mormon family that was nice enough to take her in for a few weeks "while her house was being built." Could it be that she's still there FIVE MONTHS LATER? Nawwwww, couldn't be... .

Sometimes I want to find out who she will be running these games with, and warn them, but I can't.

BPDs are very manipulative people and can do Oscar-worthy victim acts. They also are good at taking advantage of their caretakers' good nature. I think yours is definitely taking advantage of you and you need to decide if that's OK with you or not. You are not married to this person, and your responsibility is to YOU, not her. If she can't support herself, why is that your problem? Sounds harsh, I know, but sometimes that's the way you have to be, otherwise BPDs will take advantage of your good nature. This person will sponge off you indefinitely if you let her.

Does she have friends or family that you can offload her to?

[MustangMan]

Thanks Boss... . Her mom is back home from Mexico soon, she lives there 6 months a year.   I will definitely try to push her at her mom's place and maybe soon I will see the light again.  I feel like I am walking with 300 pounds on my shoulders, but actually she weights 285.  God it feels good just to know that I am not alone in this hell on earth... .   And the message is that there is hope... .

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi there.  I was in a similar situation.  After my divorce to my uBPDexw, she soon after claimed that she wanted to get therapy.  I reluctantly, at first, opted to consider a relationship with her again since she seemed to finally be willing to look at herself in the mirror.  Things went very quickly (a huge red flag, again), and soon she moved back into my house.  After a few months things went bad again, and she said she "just wanted to be friends" (totally open-ended, of course, to suit her needs).  I found out about some terrible things she was doing behind my back, and I told her I was done.  I told her to get out.  She wouldn't go.  She claimed she had lived there for a number of months and established residency.  I called the police, and they said the same thing.  She had also wracked up thousands in debt, so she claimed she had nowhere to go and couldn't afford a place.  After giving her "time" for a month or so, I finally began the eviction process.  That scared her and definitely triggered her abandonment/rage, as she started acting out and staying in bed all day even MORE (as if that were possible!).  She smashed things I had given her over the years.  One minute she would call me crying, the next she would treat me like I'm a cold jerk and do passive-aggressive things to me.  It was awful.  It took me 3 1/2 months to get her out... . and that was by beginning the eviction process and then eventually promising her a sum of money for her use toward the deposit on a place.  Sickening!

If you are only a tenant and not the owner of the property, you should ask the landlord about it.  Otherwise, as MustangMan said, can you break the lease?  It was so ridiculous trying to get her out, I considered selling my house!  I made suggestions, I tried to be helpful... . it only made her more angry and act MORE like a victim.  Ridiculous!  She is truly a grown child.  So, given my experience with this, cajoling and pressuring and suggesting things didn't work.   She made promise after promise and never came through.  Almost four months! 

Also, be careful.  She may try to do something to manipulate you.  I'm not trying to freak you out, but she might try to a) seduce you b) threaten you, or c) falsely accuse you of something illegal (maybe claiming you tried to hurt her or rape her or something) in order to gain control of the situation.  They DO NOT like personal boundaries, and she will likely do something to manipulate the situation if she feels control slipping through her fingers.  Let the landlord handle it to get her out legally.  Don't be the nice guy -don't be mean, but don't give her countless chances.  If the landlord can't do something, then yeah... . it may be worth it to just find a way to get out, yourself.

[Boss302]

Thanks Boss... . Her mom is back home from Mexico soon, she lives there 6 months a year.   I will definitely try to push her at her mom's place and maybe soon I will see the light again.  I feel like I am walking with 300 pounds on my shoulders, but actually she weights 285.  God it feels good just to know that I am not alone in this hell on earth... .   And the message is that there is hope... .

Any way you can talk to her mom? Maybe she can help you... .

[MustangMan]

I did talk to her mom when she was threatning suicide.  I told her mom to keep our conversation confidential, but she ended up reporting it to his daughter, my BP girlfriend.  Of course, it ended up in a terrible blame on me for putting shame on her and involving her mom. 

Since then, I don't trust her mom anymore.   I also talked to her best friend, but she is also struggling with her 15 year-old DBP daughter... . I try my best to look for outside help, but until now only the readings were efficient.  The only other soothing thing is the idea that I will never be involved in a love relationship anymore.   Three out of my last four girlfriends had a serious mental illness that left me broken inside.  The caretaker in me is tired of attracting always the same kind of crazy witches, even though I know that there are plenty of girls waiting for a healthy relationship out there.

[woodsposse]

BP are not monsters, they are sick people.  Would you call someone who has cancer a monster and throw him on the street? 

While it is true that pwBPD are not mosters and are sick... . yes, I would throw someone in the street who had cancer if they are abusing me!

[OutOfEgypt]

woodsposse... . HAHA!  I couldn't agree more.  To call someone with BPD "sick" is only part of it, once you consider that their sickness involves a determination to dominate and manipulate and use and control you and everything you provide for them.